VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #10
From I-Mockery
MAX BURBANK’S XMAS FAQ!
AND!
Choosing Your Christmas Tree Ornaments
From X-Entertainment
The 5-in-1 Super Mega Christmas Pen
AND!
Christmas Taffy and Monopoly Ornaments
PICUTRE!
SONG!
In the Bleak Midwinter
STORY!
Radio Active’s Christmas Turkey
CineMassacre: Tribute to Santa Claus
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #9
Blackadder’s Christmas Carol
Blackadder’s Christmas Carol (1988 BBC Dir. Richard Boden)
Well, every other successful BBC show from the 80s and 90s besides Red Dwarf seems to have a Christmas Show, so why not Blackadder? Well, actually I can think of a couple of reasons. Mostly because a great deal of them are shoddy and crap and this isn’t exactly and exception. It’s not that this is a bad special, it’s just that it’s not that great. When you compare this to the rest of the Blackadder cannon, it’s not so hot. It’s funny, but not as funny as the rest of Blackadder. Part of the problem is that this parody is really rooted in anti-Thatcher feelings as well as a lot of the sort of ideas that were floating around in the 1980s. I mean one can argue that this is a parody program of how some fairly liberal people think conservatives would have written A Christmas Carol. This is sort of the Stephen Colbert version done 20 years early. The kindly liberal guy discovers that he’s been made a chump of and that bad guys get all the kicks so he turns evil. OMG! SPOILER! You know, if you haven’t seen enough Blackadder to know the drill you shouldn’t even be watching this.
Here we see where Baldrick spelled Christmas without getting any of the letters right at all.
Sadly, the frame story of this special is the weakest part of it. That’s sad because it’s also the longest part of it. Ebenezer Blackadder is the kindest man in all of Victoria’s London, and the biggest chump. The pieces with Blackadder and Baldrick are good, with good rapport between the two they manage to come off as being comfortable with each other. Since Rowan and Tony were well established, this isn’t such a surprise though. We also see a little bit with Victoria and Albert, which actually is pretty funny if you know the history between them. The show goes a long way toward slipping in guest stars that I recognize from spots on other shows from the period and letting them rip him off. Mostly though, you slog through the piece of Ebenezer, his niece, Mrs. Scratchit and all the other assorted people who he happily lets rip him off. The show becomes more and more depressing as we go along. It’s not until Robbie Coltrane shows up that the programs gets any life.
Yeah, really. In another 15 years or so I’ll be more recognizable with a beard than without.
When Mr. Blackadder goes to bed, he is accidentally visited by The Ghost of Christmas, played by Robbie Coltrane in what looks like the first attempt at Hargrid’s make-up. He dances around, makes a few jokes, and then we get to what should be the main plot. He tells Blackadder about how he gets bad people to change their ways by showing them visions and then offers to show Ebenezer his ancestors for the fun of it. It’s here that the show suffers, because the flashbacks should be the meat and they end up being just a bit of cheese. We really want to see Miranda Richardson come back as Queen Liz, and she’s only on for about a minute or so. Same with the other two sections. They go by so quick that they’re hardly worth having unfortunately.
Just sign the nation away here.
We’re then taken to the Elizabethan version of Edmund Blackadder, who finds himself in trouble again. As he is about to give Queen Elizabeth her present, she tells him that she has decided to abolish Christmas and will kill anyone with a present. He quickly gets away and tells his nemesis Lord Melchit the news, which of course he doesn’t believe. In the meantime it seems that the Queen has decided to love Christmas again. As Melchit has decided to go against Blackadder’s advice he gives the queen a present. This turns her for Melchit (giving him a castle, title and saucy wife) and against Blackadder (who she decides gets and axe). He manages to get her to sign a novelty death warrant he got in a Christmas cracker and gets Melchit name in the place of the victim. They decide since it’s such a good joke, she will kill Melchit and give Blackadder everything that Melchit had. Ebenezer concludes that Edmund was quite a guy. The Spirit seems slightly put off, and decides to show him another evil doer in his family tree.
Elizabeth gonna hafta smack a bitch!
We’re then taken to the area covered by Blackadder the Third. Blackadder comes up with a scheme to get the presents away from the Prince Regent by getting him to give the presents to an old woman. The old woman turns out not to be Baldrick in a dress though and they are forced to go out into the night and steal them away from her. Once again, Ebenezer notices that the naughty Edmund of 1788 gets the presents.
Ah, um… sorry I forgot to think of something funny here.
We’re then taken to see the future as it might be if Ebenezer started being a bad guy. As it turns out, that the Blackadders become the rulers of the universe, conquering the queen of the galaxy. When we see the future with Blackadder being good, it turns out that the Blackadders become Baldrick’s slave. This encourages to Ebenezer announce that “Bad guys have all the fun!” which the spirit tries to wriggle out of but can’t quite manage. The spirit then vanishes in reverse of the way he came in.
The future looks like Spencer Gifts
The morning shows us a very different Blackadder, turned dark and evil. All the people he was so incredibly kind to before now find him mean and cruel. This does backfire on him, at the end as he insults Victoria and Albert mistaking them for being impersonators. They were going to give him money, title and a big house only he’s so rude they run away into the cold. We end with poor Blackadder having just discovered his mistake.
Now he’s a bad guy.
I can’t really throw myself into recommending this to any but a real Blackadder fan, and if you are such a fan you’ve probably got a copy already. Mine was supplied on the collector’s DVD set and yours probably was too if you have it. I think probably this was thrown together at the request of some higher ups at the BBC and much of the format was dictated to the producers. It probably was really cool when they came out with this in the 80s, but only interesting as a curiosity now. Probably of more interest is the special made in ’99, Blackadder: Back & Forth, which confirms that Miranda Richardson will still be cute as hell at age 98 if the path she’s taken is any indicator.
Baldrick’s Card
In the end, this turns out to be like a lot of Christmas specials that I’ve seen, and I’ve seen a lot of them. Thrown together quickly, on half the budget of a normal episode, using pre-existing sets and costumes and of course, probably shot in September. It’s possible that this was done in December, but I would suspect that it was shot in the fall, and then a laugh track was later added.
T’was pure evil made me put this one up here.
Because why not?
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #8
From X-Entertainment
The Nerds Christmas Fun Book
AND!
“Winter Series” My Little Pony Dolls
From I-Mockery
The (holiday) Poetry of Max Burbank
AND!
Super Snow!
Here are some songs
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
AAAAAAAND!
And a story
Tony Hawks tries to get all the things from the song The 12 Days of Christmas
And this!
Snow and kitties
Fancy and known associate
Al and unknown associate
Vienna has learned the true meaning of Christmas… using presents to hurt people.
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #7
Miracle on 34th Street
They call me MISTER Kringle!
Miracle on 34th Street (1947 20th, Century Fox Dir. George Seaton)
You might notice that this is the 1947 version and not that hideously terrible 1994 remake that sucked the life out of all those who watched it. I really hated that version, because it was truly reprehensible. This however, isn’t. There are parts of this movie that bug me, and there are parts I really like. I intend to be tough but fair to this movie, attacking it at its weak points and applauding it at its strong ones. This is not going to be a glossy “Oooo I just loved every moment of this movie” review, but I do like this movie so I won’t be going after it like some things I’ve reviewed in the past. This is not a perfect movie, but I like it.
When we being a kindly old man tells a shopkeeper that he’s putting the reindeer in the wrong spots in the display window. It’s amusing to watch the shopkeepers face as this nutty old man leaves after telling him about getting the little toy reindeer mixed up. Then we’re taken to the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade, where this strange little man shows up. We’re already supposed to suspect he’s Santa Claus, but he clinches it when he bawls out the imposter Santa for being drunk at his post. He walks off to complain to Mrs. Doris Walker, who a very obviously dubbed young lady tells us is running the show. Mrs. Walker mistakes him for being the Santa, and they go to check out the drunk who passes out on the moment. In a pinch, she asks him to fill in, which he only agrees to because of his dedication to the children. He turns out to be the best Santa ever and they hire him to be their Store Santa on the spot. The Parade uses actual footage from the real Macy’s Parade in New York, which is pretty neat. I must point out here that the character’s name used in the story is Kris Kringle, so I shall endeavor to remember to call him that. Interesting point, Kris Kringle more or less means Christ Child in… German? I think it’s German. I would have to get up to go look in one of my books and I don’t want to bother right now. A Kringle without the Kris, is a kind of preztel. See? I do my research before writing these things.
Now we’re introduced to Susan and Mr. Fred Gailey. Susan is Doris’s daughter and Fred is the nice man who lives in an apartment across the way from them. Susan and he discuss how she doesn’t believe in anything because her mother refuses to let her have any fantasies. It seems Doris has been raising a little robot without any emotions or beliefs in anything at all. Gailey has been quite fond of Susan, but he’s been using her in order to meet Doris. Fred gives Doris a little crap for not letting her have any fantasies, and then Suzie asks if it’s okay that Fred comes to dinner and then shows that it was a plan between them by tipping her hand accidentally. Instead of being sent to the Gulag, she’s instead allowed to live and he comes over for dinner, which is sort of nice. It’s good when a holiday classic doesn’t end in every character either dead or dying. It’s also nice when you don’t end the holiday with someone putting a gun to their head and blowing their brains out because they can’t take it anymore. I had a very bad childhood.
We’re then taken to the next morning and one of my problems with the movie. This is where we’re introduced to Alfred, a nice boy from Brooklyn. He admits that he likes to play Santa at the YMCA. It seems to warm Kris’s heart. He likes the idea, it will be one of the last ideas he likes. Before Kris goes out, he’s given a list of toys to suggest to children, a list of toys that are overstocked you see? Kris doesn’t like this idea and complains about trying to convince a child to accept a toy they don’t want because the store bought too much of the wrong thing. This leads to Kris and Alfred complaining about the commercialism of Christmas, which rings hollow. Alfred sweeps up, in the back, so he’s never seen by a customer. If it weren’t for people selling their hearts out, the store couldn’t afford to keep someone like Alfred on. He doesn’t do anything for the store’s profits, 80% of which are made in December, but he’ll sure complain a lot. It also rings false that the very symbol of materialism and greed should be complaining. Fortunately, this bit ends quickly and we start to see Kris’s real plan come forth.
When a young man asks for a fire engine, and the mother tells him that no one has any Kris promises him one anyway. The mother is at first annoyed that he promises a toy that she can’t find, but Kris pulls out a little note book and informs her that she can get the fire engines he wants at Schoenfeld’s on Lexington avenue and tells her the price and everything. The woman looks like she was slapped in the face with a live perch. She is dumbfounded that a Macy’s Santa would suggest another store, but Kris explains that it’s only important that the children get what they should want. When the head of the toy department (Mr. Shellhammer) hears this he’s horrified. Can’t imagine why a Capitalist Suck Pot like him would be worried about not being given all the money in the world. However, he’s congratulated by the first woman who tells him that she’s going to shop at Macy’s a lot more not. He’s bewildered by all of this, but everyone wants to thank him for having such a great idea. He then has Kris Shot for not making people give him all their money.
Fred has brought Suzie to see Santa, which makes Doris a little annoyed. We get a scene that can only be categorized as character building in which Doris explains that Suzie is stupid and easily led and she shouldn’t believe in things that don’t exist because she (Doris) fell in love with a man who turned out to be no good. Sadly, the producers couldn’t come up with any other reason for Doris to be an independent career woman without having her being a twisted and bitter divorcee. I’m certain she’s just dying for someone to come along and invent feminism so she can shed this crap and get on with her life. Of course since this movie with end with her being fulfilled because a wang bearer enters her life, she’ll have to wait a few more years. Keep strong sisters! You’re time will come.
We then see one of the best scenes in the whole movie. A woman explains that the next little girl in line is a Dutch orphan and doesn’t speak any English. While the woman is explaining this little girl’s life story, Santa blows her off and starts talking to the little girl. He speaks in what I assume to be Dutch but I don’t speak Dutch so I can’t tell. He speaks to the little girl in Dutch, sings a song with her and makes her happy. How dumb is it that this is one of my favorite scenes? I don’t care, I love this bit. All this happens in front of Susan, who is then convinced that Kris is really Santa. Maybe because of the whole Santa/Lapland thing? No, then because it would be Finnish he’d be speaking. Okay, so I’m not sure why she suddenly believes just because he speaks Dutch. Dutch must be a very magical language. Anyway, she goes and tells her disapproving mother about the whole thing.
Doris calls Kris down and begs him to explain that not only is he not Santa, but there no Santa. He refuses on both counts, and when challenged keeps insisting he’s Santa. Doris asks for his card and finds that he’s listed his name and Kris Kringle and that he’s listed the reindeer as his next of kin. Doris decides to fire Kris on the spot, fearing he might be insane. It’s at that moment though that Mr. Macy calls her up to his office to thank her for the tremendous response that Kris’s plan has had. He announces that he’s going to expand the program storewide. This is when Doris explains that she fired him. The head of the toy department reasons he’s probably just a little crazy “Like painters, or composers, or some of those men in Washington” and demands she get Kris back to work. They decide to get the store psychologists to look at him. Fortunately Kris is pretty cool with the whole thing and informs her than she and Suzie are a test case for him, trying to get them to believe is like the whole system in miniature.
This leads to the store shrink having a look at him. How far as corporate America fallen? Employers used to look after their people. Once it was normal for a place to have doctors and nurses on staff, now it’s barely acceptable to have a health insurance. And you have to pay extra for an insurance that doesn’t sent guys to your house and kill you if you get a sniffle. Anyway, the shrink and the brain tests. The test proves to be something of an annoyance, because Sawyer is kind of a nervous jerk. He doesn’t like Kris, and Kris just messes with him while taking the test. Sawyer tries to claim he’s insane, but can’t prove it because he passed all the tests. The doctor from the retirement home defends Kris against Sawyer, and convinces them to keep Kris on board. Sawyer is a jerk though, and everyone seems to realize it, but because Kris might get into trouble by having him stay over at their place. Some talk about rooms goes on and Kris ends up staying with Doris and Suzie for a few hours. In that time he tells Suzie how imagination is important and delivers and object lesson about it.
While Kris teaches Suzie how to use her imagination, Fred realizes that here is his ultimate conspirator in getting the two women to believe in something. He offers a room to Kris, who accepts happily. Mr. Shellhammer was going to take in Kris, but isn’t needed now with the new arrangement. We’re then taken to a conversation where Kris asks Suzie what she really wants. Suzie whips out an advertisement and tells him she wants a real house out on Long Island. Seems she doesn’t like the city much. This is her requirement of truth, if he’s really Santa he can manage and if not, he’s just a nice man with whiskers. This seems like kind of a set up. If he can’t perform the biggest request in his history, dead parents not withstanding, she’ll never believe in anything? Wow! Still, though, he takes the commission and tries to figure out a way to fill the order. I can’t help but think that this movie ends with Fred getting his organs harvested.
We start seeing the operation of the store now, where an entire department is busy putting together books of advertisements of other stores so that the employees can tell the customers about the deals. Yeah, an entire department. They just don’t do it like they used to. This leads the guys at Gimbel’s to also decide to play the same game. He expands the operations to all their stores, then Macy does the same thing. They get a lot of pictures for the publicity, this being the biggest Christmas story of the last fifty years and everybody wanted to get into the newspaper story about it. One might mention that they were using up all kinds of store equipment that they had lying around, but I think we’ve milked that joke. While taking pictures Mr. Macy gives Kris a big check. When asked what he’ll do with it. Kris thanks him and mentions that a friend of his needs an X-Ray machine. The two storeowners then start falling over each other to make up the difference on getting that X-Ray machine for him. Then, they have a good laugh, this being the first time that these capitalistic bastards have ever fought over doing something nice for someone else. One assumes they have to go kill some babies with hammers to make up for this.
After another little bit we get to the actual meat of the story. It seems that punk Sawyer has been practicing head shrinkery on poor Alfred, twisting his young and impressionable mind. Kris looses his temper, announces that he’s going to tell Mr. Macy all about this and gives Sawyer what for. The scene that follows is somewhat odd, as capoeira wasn’t well known in the states at this time. But hey, a kung fu fight in the middle of the movie perks me up enormously. During the big brawl, Kris whacks Sawyer on the head. Sawyer pretends to be worse off than he was, and then lies all about what happened. He then gets them to take Kris to Bellevue before he can see Mr. Macy and tell him what a quack Sawyer is. Doris demands she won’t have any part of betraying Kris, but they tell him she did, lying again. This sadly crushes Kris’s spirits, and then he miserably fails the examination because he doesn’t care about anything anymore.
When Fred comes to explain everything, but by then it’s too late. Unfortunately, now Kris in on the inside and they can’t just let him walk out. Kris has faith in Fred to get him out, even though Fred tries to wriggle for a moment or two. Then we find out Macy’s opinion, which is that Sawyer had better get Kris out right away or he’ll get another lump. Mister Macy informs Sawyer that he too knows capoeira and isn’t going to take anymore shit from him. I like Macy, he’s a good egg, he would beat the crap out of a guy for threatening the idea of Santa Claus… or hurting sales, whatever. Seriously, who cares, right? He’s on the side of the righteous and employee benefits won’t be slashed left and right until long after he’s dead.
Now we get to the good bit. Instead of just signing some commitment papers, Fred comes to the rescue. He prevents to papers from being signed and starts the legal work and gets a great idea about publicity from Sawyer. Then the media blitz starts with four part harmony and full orchestration. Everyone hears about how the Santa that started the goodwill operation is being examined for lunacy. The judge in the case is told by his political advisor to leave town instead of taking the case. The judge says he’s an honest man and no one would hold it against him for doing his duty. Unfortunately for him about 14 seconds later, his grand children prove he’s wrong by snubbing him. When he complains, his wife joins in the chorus. Poor guy, just trying to get re-elected and do his job. You might notice the order I put those two points in.
The district attorney only asks one question, which is whether Kris believes he’s Santa Claus, to which he answers yes. There is a legal matter here though. All the judge has to do is say that despite being delusional and thinking he’s Santa Claus, Kris is no danger to anyone (apart from Sawyer) and that he can go free. That wouldn’t be a very good end to the movie though, so we go ahead with the hearing. Besides, there has to be some awesome, right? If there wasn’t a big dose of awesome, this would just be another movie. No, we’ve GOT to bring the awesome. So the awesome will come!
This starts a lot of legal wrangling, in which Fred claims he’s going to prove that Kris is sane because he is Santa Claus. His bosses try to get him to drop the case, so he quits. Doris thinks it’s silly and childish, and they break up for a little while because she calls this an unrealistic binge. His mother says it might not be the best course of action, he punches her in the mouth. Fred is done taking crap from the man and he’s going to go all out to defend his wacky client. Meanwhile the District Attorney has the same trouble as the judge has, his family and the media is yelling at him. Also, someone threw a dead dog through his window. Now, I’m not going to say who it was, I’m just saying if anyone comes asking I was with you the whole time.
Fred starts his defense with Mr. Macy, asking him if he believes that Kris is Santa Claus. Brilliant move this, it’s like… I don’t know, playing a king or a knight instead o just one of the pawns? I don’t know anything about chess really. Macy has visions of headlines saying that he called his own Santa a fraud and answers that yes, he does believe that Kris is Santa. Whatever the reason, he believes. On his way off the stand, Macy delightfully fires Sawyer. The DA complains and demands that the Judge give a ruling on the reality of Santa Claus. Can this be done? Really? Can it? I remain unsure.
The Judge has a moment of trouble but his advisor gets him in chambers and has a Come to Santa meeting with him. He explains that if there is no Santa, kids won’t hang up the stockings. If there are no stockings, then no one will buy the toys that should go into the stockings? So the toy manufactures have to lay off union employees, and this guy is a democrat. And there will be the department stores, the candy makers, and the Salvation Army. As a result, the judge rules that there must be proof of Santa Claus. Fred calls the DA’s son to the stand and asks him if there is a Santa Claus, and the boy agrees that Santa is real because his father told him so. Not wanting to disappoint, his son the DA agrees that there is a Santa but demands proof that Kris is that Santa.
This prompts the DA to ask for authoritative proof that Kris is Santa. Now we get the best damn solution EVAR! See, some guys down at the post office sorting station get an envelope from Suzie and Doris, addressed to him at the Court House. They discuss the case for a moment and then decide that if there are fifty thousand letters or so, that it would be nice to get rid of them. So they decide to deliver the mail to Kris at the court house. Kris get’s Suzie and Doris’s note, in which they both tell him they believe in him and it saves the day for him. This proves to be the ultimate proof that they needed. Fred brings in a lot of proof about how the Post Office is a wing of the federal government and then mentions how they brought Kris the letters. This allows the judge to not have to make a decision, beyond deciding not to argue with the Federal Government. It’s really great watching ten guys walk in carrying mail bags which they then empty on the judge’s desk.
You know, it’s kind of funny, but I still giggle like a little kid every time they drag in those bags in and bury the judge in envelopes. Something about the nine or ten bags being deposited in front of him while he disappears behind the mound of correspondence. I guess it comes from my desire to see public officials buried under paperwork. It gets me hot. Really hot. I have some weird kinks.
There is only one bit of major business left to deal with. Kris’s doctor friend gets his x-ray machine, but Suzie’s present wasn’t delivered. This crushes Suzie’s faith, but Doris tells her to believe even if it’s silly. Fred and Doris make up a little, Kris gives them some instructions on how to get home, missing some traffic. That leads them to pass a house and Suzie runs into it. They run after her and find that the house has a big for sale sign on it. You see, it’s the house she wanted, and now she believes. Fred and Doris agree that the house was for sale, that they love each other and that they can’t let her down.
Fred congratulates himself for proving legally that Kris is Santa, but they notice a can sitting in the corner. Strangely, it’s much like the cane that Kris was always seen carrying around. Doris thinks it must have been left behind, but Fred remains dubious. He suspects that Kris maybe really is Santa and that everything has been part of an elaborate plan. In closing let me tell you that the DVD isn’t exactly stacked, but it does have an interesting trailer where the fact that this is a Christmas movie was entirely obscured. See, the movie was released in May for reasons I still don’t understand exactly. Oh I’ve heard the reason, that doesn’t mean I really get it though. A good movie, worth watching, you’ve just got to watch the original and not any of the crappy remakes, of which there were four. I have the 1955 one (I think) and it really is quite pointless. One of the main problems being that it’s almost a shot for shot remake. It’s just shorter is all. As we saw how lame it worked out here, I wonder why anyone thought it as a good idea to do it with Psycho.
Nah, you’ve got the wrong shop, we don’t sell that kind of thing here. You want to try the Village for that.
Oh look honey, back projection!
There is a reason for the title you know.
You know, these two look like they’re on a date and that’s just creepy.
A touch like this won’t be bad for another thirty years or so.
I can understand, I will out my cards the same way. No one ever reads that crap.
This man is trying to pass a brick. He’s just dying for Ex-lax to be invented.
Tell Big Tony to give me a couple more days. That’s all I’m asking, just three more days.
No, I can’t really do that. I’m not that flexible. Where did you get a magazine like this anyway?
Now the scroll says, “In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.” What does that mean to you guys and how can we use it to crush the competition?
Father Christmas and two storeowners walk into a brothel…
“I love you, Pumpkin.”
“I love you, Honey Bunny. All right, everybody be cool, this is a robbery!”
Hey! Look kids, it’s an establishing shot!
See, you just turn this switch and it speeds up. Neat, huh?
Man runs naked through street. Yeah, that description does sound like me doesn’t it?
Hey look, now there’s some location shooting.
The faces of those innocent children would haunt him forever.
Every scene this girl is in just gets creepier and creepier.
And each one starts “Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought this would happen to me…”
Of all the things I didn’t need to see, Santa’s O face was number 26.
I don’t know… some joke about these three having a hot time tonight or something. You make the dirty joke here.
The Judge Spears curses the fact that his first name starts with a B
I have to admit, I have no idea what this thing is. I’ve been pretending to be a doctor all this time.
Open Lette to a Year (a poem)
Dear 2009,
Hell has come
High water has come
Death, destruction, and the end of the world
And yet, I remain standing.
I am going to cook those fucking turduckens.
Yeah, TurduckenS
PLURAL!
Nothing can stop this now.
I will keep calm and I will carry on.
I’ve dealt with pretty much everything in and around your borders
Dying relatives, new kittens, flooded houses, and more bullshit than I care to relate.
The Sick, The Elderly, the stupid and the strong
The good, the bad, the ugly and the adorable
I’ve dealt with a guy driving with the ghost of Adolph Hitler riding next to him.
I’ve dealt with a riveter who wants to fist someone up to the elbow.
And yet, here I stand.
My lights are still on.
As I said they would be.
I said you wouldn’t be able to crush my VEWPRF spirit
and you can’t.
I’ve got this bell, it rings.
I’ve got these candles, they chase away the dark
I’ve got this bloody-minded sense of determination, it starts to get a little bit scary after a while
My point is, you won’t sink this holiday.
You can go die in a fire 2009
You can go to hell
You can fuck right the fucking fuck off… fucker.
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #6
The Avengers: Too Many Christmas Trees
The Avengers: Too Many Christmas Trees
This episode from the Emma Peel years is unusual as it’s a Christmas episode that seems to have taken part within the regular season. It originally aired on the 23rd of December in 1965 and like the Chef! special from earlier, it’s more a regular episode that happens to take place at Christmastime than it is a Christmas episode. Like many another such episodes it was also shot in late February. You always make sure anything for Christmas viewing is ready well in advance. It’s said to be one of Patrick Macnee’s favorite episodes and it’s one of my favorites too.
It’s like you expect Burl Ives to come around the corner and start cussing you out at any moment.
The story itself is fairly basic for an Avengers plot. I can only really assert anything like basic or average with someone who actually knows what The Avengers is like though. If you’re not up on The Avengers, you might not recognize how average this story line is. While they had good stories, I’m not sure that the writing is what kept people coming back to Mrs. Peel and Steed week after week. This isn’t to say that the writing is bad in any way, but the show does have a certain pattern to it. If you didn’t like the show you might boil the whole thing down to “Ooo, something spooky happens to Steed and he and Mrs. Peel just happen to go to the one place where they can solve it almost by accident.” Now while that’s accurate, it is a bit like claiming Hamlet is predictable because you’re told who the murderer is in the first act. True, but it sort of misses the point.
And they spelled his name right too.
The Avengers is about 40% parody by which I mean to say each show is made up of about 40% parody elements. This isn’t to say that it’s overly silly or campy in anyway, because camp was always deliberately stupid and even 40 years on The Avengers is extremely smart. In many ways it’s still far ahead of it’s time even if some of the shows elements clunk with age a bit here and there. Enough of me lauding the show with praise, let’s get to the episode itself shall we?
The man himself.
The main mystery here surrounds a series of Christmas themed dreams Steed has been having. He sees himself walking around in fields of cut out Christmas trees then coming upon a big basket of presents, discovering a picture of himself that turns into a mirror and then has Father Christmas laughing at him. In the dream where the episode starts, we get an extra bonus of having a colleague of his turn up dead. The dead colleague though, turns out to be one of the first parts of the dream that becomes prophetic. Elements from the dreams keep popping up through out the episode in such a suspicious way that one might think someone was behind the dreams.
You should always avoid spooky reverse silhouette Victorian mansions.
In fact, someone is behind these dreams of Steed’s, and they were behind the dreams of other men as well. The reasons as to why they’re doing this aren’t exactly clear, beyond some kind of experiment. Through what at the time seems to be chance, Mrs. Peel invites Steed to a Christmas party at the house of an expert on Charles Dickens. Of course they are lead right to the house where the people who are messing with Steed head are ensconced. That is what it’s like on The Avengers though, the show always has them bumping into trouble.
It said Happy Christmas before, I think they’re deliberately trying to confuse us.
The work is advanced when a stronger psychic shows up to mess with Steed’s head. Before they can get started on that Mr. Peel begins to worry that Steed is loosing it. This feeling is expanded by a visiting psychiatrist explaining that Steed might be going potty. That is when they start getting the master mind reader to get into Steed’s head. Under the guise of a party game, they work their way into Steed’s mind and mess with him even more.
That’s just wrong.
The problem with trying to explain an Avengers episode is that most the show is about atmosphere and the banter between characters. It’s fun to watch because of what goes on more so than what the episode is actually about. As a result, the show doesn’t translate well into the written word since so much of it is about the actors and the way it’s produced. This isn’t important to the story though.
Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
So after watching the group mess with Steed for a while, one of the members gets worried and tells Mrs. Peel that he’ll tell her all about it in a little while if he’ll meet her in another room. Now, the show is in black and white, but I know a red shirt when I see one. Sure enough, three minutes later he’s dead as a doornail and hidden under a lot of fake looking cobwebs. Sadly when Mrs. Peel goes to tell Steed he’s freaking out and babbling about his Christmas stocking. This puts both her and the mind control group off her stride and when she goes to the psychiatrist for help he ends up turning a gun on her. He does this because she was about to warn Steed that the drink he’s given is drugged.
The woman herself.
Well, it turns out the shrink is on the good guys side, Steed didn’t drink the drink, and they got into Mrs. Peel’s head in order to get her to bring Steed. Steed knew almost everything but couldn’t risk telling Mrs. Peel for the fear that she might unwittingly give the game away. Once we know everything, it’s just a fairly simple action scene. Steed gets bumped on the head and Mrs. Peel “pwnz” all the bad guys as the young kids say. This is possibly the best thing about The Avengers, at least in those years. Mrs. Peel saves Steed as often as he saves her.
You know the show if filled with images like this.
I won’t give the whole thing away, because you should really watch this one for yourself. This came as part of the Mrs. Peel Mega set about seven or eight years ago. It’s been re-released though with even more stuff than it had before and even in those slim pack dvd cases that take up half as much room on your shelf. I wouldn’t suggest getting the whole set for one episode, but I would recommend getting it and watching the whole thing over a long weekend off in winter.
Happy ending? Think again, its The Avengers. Despite what some idiots who made that movie might think, Mrs. Peel and Steed DON’T KISS!
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #5
From I-Mockery
Seven Christmas Specials You’ll Never See
AND!
Preparing For Santa!
From X-Entertainment
The Pac-Man Christmas Special
AND!
Waxing About Christmas Wish Books: 1985 Edition
From The Nostalgia Critic
We have the Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials
A Story!
Son of Santa
A Song
Ding Dong! Merrily on High
And pictures!
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #4
Chef! A Bird in the Hand
Chef! “A Bird in the Hand“
Episode Title screen. Yeah, no jokes there… sorry.
If you’ve never seen this British sitcom from the mid 90s then you’ve missed out on some really fun TV. It also means I have to recap the show for you, in as few words as possible so I don’t distract from this special from 1993. Quickly put, the show is mainly about Gareth Blackstock, the head chef at a restaurant named Le Château Anglais. He’s arrogant, nasty, egotistical and in all ways a classic British comedy anti-hero. If this show wasn’t about him, he would be the villain. One of the things I like best about this show is that it’s not really a normal sitcom. They don’t spend all their time being self-centered and getting into situations that are cringe inducingly embarrassing nor require you either to be retarded or believe they exist in an alternate universe where idiotic things occur despite simple logic. It also isn’t a show where the joke would work no matter where it was set. No, this is a show about a restaurant and its owners. In the first two seasons almost everything in the show revolved around restaurant things, which was cool. Also, a lot of the comedy was derived from Gareth being acerbic, so you could have a nice laugh at him when he gets him comeuppance as well. Also, many people enjoy the banter and wit of the program, which is really cool.
He’s about 3 seconds from biting someone’s head off, and there is a head so near his mouth.
This brings us to the Christmas special we have here. Be sure, it is a special and not part of the regular series. The first series staff is in this show, but they’re using the kitchen that they have in the second series. In fact the first series of the show ended in March of 1993 and this episode played on the 24th of December of that same year, just to give you and idea of how far apart they were. It’s not much like a normal Christmas special either, since its Christmas at a restaurant. There isn’t a whole lot of Christmas cheer about this episode. The point of the episode is that they’re going to be open for Christmas instead of being home with their loved ones. Actually there is a lot going on in this little half hour show, which is always something that amazes me when I compare British TV with American. Even on DVD they seem to get more done in the same amount of time than we do. Anyway, back to the show.
You can kind of tell she’s about 3 seconds from cracking too, can’t you? They all are.
The restaurant, despite the high paying clientele, is not doing so well. The outlay for ingredients is simply too much. This situation is illustrated with a herb dealer who has been charging too much. Gareth initially declares his love and ever lasting devotion to Mrs. Courtenay, and then looks at the amount on the bill for one month’s supply. It is at this point that he considers putting a hit out on her and then decides he’d rather do it himself. The beat down is pretty viscous, even if it’s all verbal and all stuff you can say on TV. I get shivers just from thinking about it. Poor Mrs. Courtenay is sent away a broken woman. Don’t weep for her though. The fickle hand of fate will bring her the opportunity to return with cruel and exacting vengeance.
Countdown to shouting in 5, 4, 3…
This issue resolved, Gareth and his wife Janice who manages the restaurant with him decide that they must open the restaurant for Christmas. This of course means getting ingredients, which include turkeys. Of course Gareth only wants the best which initially means he buys expensive birds, but he’s shown up by Janice as he often is. The problem is, because he was nasty about burning some packaging, they can’t seem to remember the name of the farm that produced the better bird. His own arrogance got away from him you see.
That’s a lot of pink and naked flesh for a Christmas show. Granted, they’re turkeys, but still.
So a quest is started for the name and address of the farm that produces the superior turkeys. They go through some serious hoops to discover that the farm they want is way out in the country and that it’s run by the boy friend of Mrs. Courtenay!!!!!!! Yes, the same Mrs. Courtenay that Gareth striped bare and flogged in the street (in a metaphorical strictly verbal way) now the birds he needs! Oh noes I hear you cry, and oh noes is right. Gareth ends up offering to pay three times what the birds are worth and extends a full apology to the now evil Mrs. Courtenay and re-employs her as his chief her as his chief herbalist.
This is what it’s all about baby!
While this is going on, we see the problems that the kitchen staff has with having to cancel all their plans for Christmas. This includes one who wanted to go to Vermont, one who wanted to go to bed, one who wanted a good cuddle and one who as a result of skipping Christmas is wished bad luck and misery for the rest of his life. However, it all turns out in the end since they get the turkeys, end up fully booked and it seems like a good time to be cocky. So Gareth is cocky to someone on the phone, and then has to call them back and crawl back into their good graces as well. Sadly, all those turkeys come to not because the new party of 30 is made up of vegetarians.
Almost like a happy family, only not.
Still, it all works out happily and they get to have a meal together in the dining room before the show ends. It’s sort of a sweet moment really since he gives them an extensive offer, knowing full well they’ll all ask for turkey what with the huge amount of extra he has on hand now. It’s one of the only truly Christmassy scenes in the entire production and it comes off nicely. As far as a Christmas special for a TV show goes I really like this one. It’s very true to the rest of the program which means it’s about a restaurant at Christmas rather than being a Christmas show that happens to take place in a restaurant which is a very different thing indeed. The only way to get this that I’m aware of is to buy the entire series of Chef! on dvd in one packet. It’s not very expensive though, so it wouldn’t set you back too much and the rest of the show is good too.
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #3
From X-Entertainment
The Christmas Story INFLATABLE LEG LAMP!
AND!
Christmas Nerds and other stuff
From I-Mockery
Ten Holiday Specials We’ll Never See (if we’re lucky)
AND!
The Smart Shopper’s Guide
From the Nostalgia Critic
Jingle All the Way
From CineMassacre
A Tribute to Santa Claus
