I Wrestle Sharks

Guys, let’s have a talk real quick. We’ve got saying where I come from… “Go big or go home.”

If you’re going to lie to a woman, don’t tell a little lie. If you must be dishonest, tell a whopper of a lie that no one will ever take seriously, but tell it like you’ve got photos and documents in your wallet to prove every word. Don’t tell her you’re the manager of the I.T. department when you’re really the assistant manager… tell her you wrestle sharks! She’s going to assume you’re building yourself up a little anyway, might as well strain the very fabric of credulity and reality.

Now you can’t just leave it at “I wrestle sharks” of course, you’ve got dress it up in that dress you like and make it strut in front of the audience. You’ve got make that line seem like it has a shred of plausibility.

On my shark example…
“You know those documentaries where they get the close up shots of sharks? Well they don’t like using a cage these days, so someone has to watch out for the cameraman while the get the footage. So I swim near by and if any great white looks like it’s getting to close I get it in a headlock and give it a noogie.”

Don’t leave it hanging like that though, you’ve got to explain which documentaries you’ve worked on, what channel she can see them on, and how that has made you capable of making the perfect omelet. Obviously, you add that the perfect omelet can only be made in the morning after a night of sheet tearing sex.

If you don’t think you can pull off the shark wrestler thing, you could try a different tact…
“You ever read the comic strip The Phantom? I do body modeling for them. I pose for The Phantom actually, sometimes for Mary Worth as well. Not the torso, obviously, another guy does that. I do the hands for The Phantom. I can throw a still punch better than anybody else in modern comic strips, except the guy who does Mark Trail of course. That guy’s an artist though, you can’t compete with him. If you’ve got a newspaper, I can show you some of my work.”

Now if you think you can’t even pull that off, you can try something truly bizarre.
“I design leaves for a biotech firm. Have you seen those oaks outside the new town hall? Yeah, those are mine. It’s a totally new strain of leaf that turns a trade marked shade of orange. I didn’t do the color though, I designed the shape. If you look carefully, all the leaves on those trees are perfectly uniform, you’ll always get the same leaf from one of our trees.”

From there on out, you’re on your own obviously. I don’t condone lying to women anyway, I am only suggesting that if you do it then don’t tell these boring little lies.