I'll come up with something in a minute.

5 Reasons Why No One Will Ever Invade America (probably)

1. USA is too big
We’re a coast-to-coast nation, this makes it hard to establish any kind of beachhead. You’d have to try and take a costal city, like Miami, while the rest of the country is focusing on fucking your shit up good and proper. No matter what part of the country someone hit, the rest of the nation would be prepared to hit back. There’s no way to attack the whole country at once without the use of nuclear weapons, and if you’re going for nukes then invasion isn’t on your itinerary. Also, breathing isn’t on your itinerary if you nuke us. We’ve got more nukes than anyone and guess where they’ll all be aimed once Denver turns to dust and we’ve clocked that you’re not fucking around.

2. You can’t really control this place.
We’re too fragmented, too ready to follow local leaders against the invaders. Even if you knocked out our national network, and that’s a huge if, we’d just fall back on governors and the like. Again, the sheer size of the place makes invasion a difficult issue. No matter where you hit, you can’t possibly have enough people to control all the deliberately fragmented areas. Even China doesn’t have enough people to hold this place. No matter what happened, there would be so many pockets of resistance that the situation would quickly spiral out of any semblance of control.

3. Our neighbors suck at resources and would make terrible staging points.
You need to launch your invasion from somewhere. We’ve got a neighbor to the north, and one to the south, and if we heard of something happening there we would run to see what was up. Neither Canada nor Mexico produce anywhere near enough food to supply an invading force. Mexico has a lot of desert and Canada has a lot of undeveloped land that would take decades to make arable. Both nations have an army as well, and Canadians always seem a little twitchy to me to be honest. They’ve got that look in their eye. You know the look? That look that says while they were willing to be polite in almost any circumstances, now that you’ve invaded, shit is indeed on. Yeah, that look. Remember, they produced Wolverine. Never trusted Canada myself, I’ve always thought they would send back the heads of an invading army with an apologetic note pinned to each one saying they were sorry for the blood stains. As a result, neither nation presents itself as a natural platform. In order to use either you would have to rely on heavily stretched supply lines and headless soldiers in the case of Canada. All the while, you’d have to deal with the US sending troops, guns, tanks, planes, camels, steak knives, hookers with hearts of gold and a coked-up Toby Keith to our buddies in order to help them repel the invaders.

4. You’d have to take us all on.
Americans aren’t really known for their sanity. We’re more known for our blind patriotism, our love of fatty foods and our proclivity towards mindless violence. Even if 90% of the nation fell in with the invaders, and that’s a huge fucking if, that would still leave around 30 million freedom fighters who have decided that your shit needs ruining in the worst possible way. According to some quick and very shoddy research I just did, there are only about 2 million people in the US armed forces. That would mean that if a foreign power had roughly the same numbers, they would be outnumbered 15 to 1. The thing is, I’m sort of guessing that my 30 million fighters might be a conservative estimate. As batshit crazy as my fellow countrymen have proven to be when attacked, I’m thinking the number would likely be much higher than that. We do have a habit of putting our differences aside if it means we have to go cut a collective bitch. Even if it’s only 50 million though, that’s a million people in each state, all of whom have decided that they’d like to kill them one of those sons-of-bitches what invaded our land. Besides, once we get Toby Keith all coked up, he counts for three. And we wouldn’t be worried about armament because…

5. Well… we do ALL have guns.
I am actually serious about this. There are roughly enough weapons to give every man, woman and child a firearm. Invade and you are facing a nation of 300 million armed and dangerous nutters. And that’s not including the people who have decided to also go for knives, sword, bows, baseball bats, tire irons, clubs, sharp sticks, things that appear in Dead Rising as weapons, and a coked-up Toby Keith. As much as I deplore gun violence and I am concerned about the ease for people to just get a gun and shoot another person, I do love me that Second Amendment. I personally think all good liberals should buy a gun, maintain it and practice shooting. This is because A) It’s your right and you should exercise your rights and B) If the shit ever does hit the fan, you’ll want to be prepared.

So to recap, the size of the place works against you, you’d have no friendly port for resources, the fragmented and layered style of government makes it hard to crush organized resistance, there sure are a lot of us willing to fight, and we’re the most heavily armed populace in the history of history. This isn’t to say that no one ever will try to invade, or that no one will ever try to knock out a few cities, but the fact is that it’s a fool’s game and you could never hope to win. Hell, just the number of peacenik liberals I know with shotguns under their beds should give any invader pause. So relax, it’ll be okay. Besides, if anyone ever does come, we just introduce Toby Keith to cocaine and let him go at it. We just have to be careful, we have no idea the power we could be unleashing.

November 3, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized

42 Comments

  1. I’m Canadian, but hey, American’s are actually cool. A lot of you guys hate us, I don’t see why. But I think if America was invaded we’d help aswell. Also, Mexico would do nothing because their Ignorant Mother fuckers.

    Comment by Dante Sevchenko | May 20, 2012

    • We don’t hate you, well we sort of do. But we hate you kind of, cause we think You hate us and you’d understand why the way French and British people harass us online. and hit our stereotypes. But when the shit hit’s the fan we unite.

      Comment by Liam Iwouldntgivemylastnameaway | May 21, 2012

    • I don’t hate you, I like Canada, it’s like the little brother that helps America start a gang, then together they beat the living shit out if the rest of the world, and then they find some hookers and have a good time. :)… Also, a lot of good bands come from Canada.

      Comment by Fat american | February 27, 2013

    • I don’t hate Canada your fine with me and as an American to everyone live how you want, we just want to live how we want, I do love America and I’d be a part of the fight. I’m a trained police officer. I own over 20 guns and 5,000 bullets anyone who would want to come here and try us out can you’ll see a lot of the same. We are a very pushy nation and we shouldn’t be. I do believe Mexico would not help us either but I think we could destroy there drug cartels with our military if given the chance to work on the other side of the border. We’ve always been threatened never pushed around though. Mexican cartels are one of the US’s biggest problems right now, and it’s only a matter of time before something is done to take care of that. We’ve had our fair share of problems I don’t see why any Americans would hate Canada or Canadians where quite a lot a like and should probably be looking out for each other not reasons to be against each other.

      Comment by James | May 12, 2013

    • Haha – we love the Canadians. There is nothing wrong with our neighbors to our North. The Canadians are our largest trading partner as well as our largest supplier of oil. I am a (responsible) gun-owning American and have much love and respect to our neighbors to the North. You do talk a little soft and are a tad too nice at times… but there is nothing wrong with that. Great blog and cheers to our friends in the North!

      Dave White
      San Francisco, CA (Yes, I think Homosexuals should be able to marry, yet I am a registered Republican – proof that fruits and nuts can still live in harmony)

      Comment by Dave White | September 10, 2013

    • Actually, I think it’s the other way around. :\

      Comment by Kyle | September 18, 2013

    • Im Mexican, your right a lot of us are. But Mexico being controlled, for the most part, by Mexican drug cartels depends on a lot of Americans and the love of drugs to support their organizations in any one stupid enough to mess with the cartels best customer is asking for the Latino Heat to be brought

      Comment by Sam | November 26, 2013

    • Hilarious and True!! Canada and The U.S are actually the only 2 countries that has a lot of similarities,Besides the Military Canada Has Is Sort of a British style

      Comment by Quandell | December 14, 2013

    • We don’t hate you, it’s like rivalry amongst brothers. Yay, We’ll pull your hair and pick on you but if a bully comes and starts a fight we’ll be there to kick that fuckers ass.

      Comment by Andrew Wilber | March 25, 2014

  2. “We don’t hate you, well we sort of do. But we hate you kind of, cause we think You hate us” Sounds like brotherly love to me!
    Cut the bullshit… :)

    Comment by Americana | August 5, 2012

  3. canadians are very decent people ….Americans and canadians are very much alike .Alot of things are different but more are the same .They care about theyre children the same way we do

    Comment by don | September 11, 2012

  4. Mexicans are not ignorant we are proud working people who make our living by working hard,we might not have as many technology as our neighbors but that doesn’t makes you better than us……also is “they are” not “their ignorant” …..i know more English than you and I’m Mexican CHUPENSE ESA PUTOS!!!!

    Comment by Victor Montero (@VickFVM) | October 7, 2012

    • Where not saying where better, although we are partly to blame, Mexico is having a hell of a time running there own country. The United States is taking care of Mexico’s citizens and problems because they can’t do it themselves. My point is the US should not be expected to take care of Mexico’s citizens and drug cartel problems when they can’t do it themselves. I don’t hate Mexicans and I have very close friends who are Mexican who some are also illegal. Honestly I don’t have any problem with that and I would do anything I could for them and I do find some stories very sad and feel bad that they aren’t able to just be a normal US citizen. But at the same time listening to people who are Mexican come over here and bad mouth the United States (who are living here as an illegal or legal citizen) and how we live or the color of our skin, those people can get the fuck back on the other side and it seems to be almost inevitable that eventually I am sure the US military will be forced to take care of the drug cartel. And when those cowardly peaces of shit who have killed and involved innocent people in there illegal activities while destroying Mexico as a nation meet our military, we’ll show them what it means to be in control.

      Comment by James | May 12, 2013

      • Uhh, the only reason 50,000 people die in Mexico’s drug war is our ass-hat led drug war. People are people, people. Its time to wake the fuck up. People will always use drugs and find ways to get off.

        Comment by acausal23 | January 10, 2014

  5. Hey buddy, did you know that hundreds of millions of gallons of oil are sent to the united states every day! Yea currently one of the most prized things in the world, also canada is the 2nd largest country we have tough terrain all around and you would probably freeze to death before you made it past ontari. :) you should go to school. Spelling is important and so is knowledge

    Comment by canadian | January 9, 2013

  6. Another dumb ass. Russia has the largest nuclear arsenal, the United States is the only global power in the western hemisphere that could pose a threat to any nation willing to invade the US, the 2 million current US army is a standing army and an invading wartime army would obviously be much larger, citizens would never stand a chance against a modern army regardless of superiority in numbers, and a handgun does not stand up against tanks, automatic weapons, missiles, explosives, etc. I think that the only solid evidence in support of your thesis is the large size of the United States and the validity of even that is debatable.

    Comment by Fool | February 18, 2013

    • Silly Fool… you think the American populace would engage an invading force head on. Not likely… two words, guerilla warfare! More than enough “citizens” have varied training in this nation to bring together bands of people to make the task of invading down right miserable. And you think all we have are a bunch of handguns; LOL. Lets not forget home field advantage.
      Chance of invasion: sure, why not
      Chance of success: not likely ;)

      Comment by Ray | February 25, 2013

    • My friend was a Spetsnaz from 72 to 98. He told me that if If Russia thought they could take the US, they would have done it in the 50s or 60s. The only reason they now have more nukes is we have been disarming ours. No one has our tech, our training, our resources, or the ability to to organize resistance.
      Take Iraq as an example; look how large of a fighting force it took to take it, then hold it, and factor in the cost of both, then multiply that until you have something the size of North America. It would closely compare to the Nazi invasion of Russia. Sure they hit hard, but in the end they were pushed back and lost big time.
      Now lets look at why anyone would invade the US. Russia has ties with us, enough that we have been able to talk out our problems with mutual respect. China has a fiscal investment, and lets face it, if they went to war with us do you think we would pay back anything that was borrowed. And as for the rest of the world, no one comes close to the ability.
      There is one other factor that should be mentioned, the US Navy. One battle group has the power to take out any threat anywhere anytime. The Navy has this rabid dog they keep on a leash in case of war. You might know them as the Marine Corps. Suck my balls.

      Comment by Al dexter | November 22, 2013

    • You have a good point, but most gun owners own way more than just a handgun.

      Comment by matt11 | April 24, 2014

  7. Nuke dc, new york, texas and cheyenne mountain. 15 to 20 nukes should to the trick plus cause huge civilian damage, cheyenne mountain would be stalled, but not for long. By the time its fully functional again, the invasion would have started, gasmasks on and shoot on anything that moves. Heck just bomb every bridge, hospital and church so there is no place for their wounded. Guerilla warfare ia nice, keep the wildlands of the US, let them roam around in it, destroy the cities. Then kill whats left of the army, navy and airforce

    Comment by Dkibms | February 27, 2013

    • I want to point out that I’m not taking the bait and responding to this doucher. He’s either a troll or a moron. But I do think a nugget of truth slipped out that I think should be restated…In order to successfully invade ‘Merica, you will have to nuke the entire state of Texas. And if you don’t know why, you’re obviously not a Texan.

      Comment by Chuck Waggins | March 3, 2013

    • 15 nukes costs a lot. The UN will surely get I involved and back us up if nukes come into play and they fire first. I have something else to tell you, MAD. Mutually assured destruction. Yeah, you can fire nukes at us, but when that happens, it is either we are both turned to glass or we stop.

      Comment by Nick | April 3, 2013

  8. America will be attacked and soon, the attack will come at midnight western time while the country is asleep! Russian Subs will launch a surprise EMP and nuclear strike at our coastal cities, from bases in the North pole already set up and around Alaska EMP and nuclear strikes will take out all communications. The power grids will go down, early warning systems will be caught off guard. Cleverly hidden container ships with troops and tanks will quickly unload as paratroopers from Russian military aircraft sweep over the north pole and land on Canadian and American soil taking out northern and western military bases. Bases in the middle east will be Nuked by missiles or remotely controlled civilian aircraft. Iran in coordination with Russian and many other nations will strike Israel, Russian ships and subs will take out the United Kingdom in the same manner at the same time. Millions will die in the first wave. Without communications or power most of the country will awake unaware of the Whirlwind of Armor headed their way. Most vehicles will not run and chaos will be the doom of many. Carrier Groups will also be attacked by new super sonic missiles China, Russia and Iran are developing right now to sink aircraft carriers. Yes, we can be attacked and will be attacked, it will be God’s way to wake this Nation up and put us back on our knees, only then when we ask for forgiveness for our Nations sins will he save us, but not until then!

    Comment by Daniel | June 30, 2013

    • You’re one of those “hate their own nation” idiot Christian Hate mongers that love the thought of fire and brimstone being rained down upon America because of our sins etc, well it is this nation that gives you the right to spew such ignorant, hateful, myopic venom, i bet you secretly cheered 9/11 because it was “God punishing America”? Right? And you care not how many innocent die as long as “it brings America back to its knees for God?

      You are a sad excuse for a human and a Christian – From one Christian to “another” You need to get right with God and spend some more time on your knees asking – NO – BEGGING – For guidance and wisdom my brother.

      Comment by Psilaxs | July 5, 2013

      • you are still conned by the 911 myth eh,that bus left the station a decade ago,and yes it was a judgement,the harbingers of isaiah have come to pass,maybe you should learn reading comprehension,you can read but if you cannot comprehend you are hopeless.

        my people are destroyed for their lack of knowledge,because you have rejected knowledge,i also reject you as my priests,because you have ignored the law of your god,i will ignore your children. hosea 4:6

        the fear of the lord is the beginning of knowledge,only fools despise wisdom and instruction. prov 1:7

        My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. …
        prov 3:1-35

        the heart of him who seeks understanding seeks knowledge,the mouths of fools feed on folly prov 15:14

        For wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; discretion will watch over you, understanding will guard you,
        prov 2:10-11

        condemn me for his word if you like,it will affect me not

        And you will be hated by all for my namesake,but the one who endures to the end will be saved.
        mark 13:13

        So call me good or bad for staying true to his word and command,i still love my enemies and yes I believe in the sword…………I am someone to hate.

        Yeshua Ha Meshchia
        god bless

        Comment by warofattrition | August 27, 2013

  9. This made me laugh so much. Funny but true. I myself am Texan and most of the time we hate everyone, except Louisiana and Oklahoma because we can gamble there. But, non the less, fuck with ‘Merica and you will see the Lone Star State would fall in line to put a boot in the asses of foreign invaders… all while we enjoy a beer and a good bong rip.

    Comment by Nick | August 9, 2013

  10. There is a way to invade the US but that would mean that you would have to attack both coasts and split the forces in two. And if they did do this, then just use propaganda and fast food to calm us down, but the freedom fighters would still be hard to stop. If they find the governors of the state then they could blackmail or bride them for their support.

    Comment by Mike | August 15, 2013

  11. @ warofattrition Yup i knew it, Your one of those westboro idots. And my reading comprehension is as astute as your hatred and desire for this nation to be attacked and for innocents to die. I brought up 9/11 and you jumped right on, i called you out, i was right about you believing it was america being punished (you secretly cheered it either from your moms basement, or your cults bunker)…. You’re just a hate monger who uses the bible for the sake of being right and that is all, and the more people try to point out to you and guide you just fuels the “see I’m “hated”, that means I’m right” no it means you are childish, ignorant and foolish.

    You misinterpret corrective suggestions against you as personal hatred and insults which is the case for most delusional sociopaths, it wasn’t America being punished! God is a perfectly just God, He would have made those responsible for America falling into wickedness perish, to punish those responsible, not murder a couple planes and several buildings worth of innocent men, women and children.

    You understand not what God is, what Christ stands for, or his purpose in the New Testament, Christ did away with the need for blood sacrifice which you so desperately crave to see.

    Comment by Gabriel | August 28, 2013

  12. You know… Roman empire was once the most powerful and big too, from British islands to the Alexandria and beyond. But it was vanished. Destroyed. By goths-barbarians. These barbarians was fearsome warriors, even if they were not smart or intelligent and their numbers was not so big as numbers of Empire Legion. And still, Empire was destroyed.

    Why am I talking this? Because history only moves forward. But history sometimes repeats itself. You may be armed to the teeth, nuts and crazy… But this won’t provide you victory. Because what guarantees victory is the SPIRIT. It’s the VALOR, the COURAGE, the VALIANCE that you lack. You will be divided and you will destroy yourself after strike. And Earth will be cleaned from hideous contamination.

    New, brave and glorious Folk awaits for its dawn at the land that is damned today by most people of the planet. Let them come. Your time is over.

    Comment by Arthur | September 5, 2013

    • We lack valor, courage, and valiance? Do you forget who you’re talking about, sir? We are AMERICANS! We are one of the most, if not THE most, patriotic people in the world! Americans excel at warfare, we are warriors of a different breed whom will never surrender nor faulter in the face of our enemies. If anything valor, courage, and valiance are what define the American people. Hooah!

      Comment by ProudAmerican | January 12, 2014

  13. Not to mention all the people who have more that 1 gun I have enough for a company sized element and thats a force to be reckoned with in its self

    Comment by Cody | September 7, 2013

    • we have one hundred and ninety seven registered gun owner’s in the united state’s of america two hundred and fifty in the state of texas alone we also have our own military here in the state of texas but we can’t ask for a secession stupid huh well see y’a and it’s not for the reason’s you think it’s because we have weird gun law’s here

      Comment by jennifer stewart | September 15, 2013

  14. i don’t hate canada or britain or france or even germany canada is the coolest neighbor we’ve ever had although we are in a peaceful tension with you about the seal island

    Comment by jennifer stewart | September 15, 2013

  15. “I personally think all good liberals should buy a gun”?

    If political history has taught us anything, a “good liberal” will do anything to crumble away the second amendment until there is nothing left.

    Comment by That Guy | December 15, 2013

  16. reality check what if multiple countries like china and the next ten largest countries attack America all at once? I suppose were all pretty fucken screwed aren’t we?

    Comment by travis miller | January 17, 2014

  17. Im full mexican and I just hate it when other mexicans come in waving the mexican flag around. Show some respect. Anyways, I would surely do anything to protect this wonderful country even if it means dying for it.

    Dont hate the country! Hate the people who run it!

    Comment by Angelo | February 5, 2014

  18. too many douchebags leaving douche bag messages, like this douche bag

    Comment by jesus | February 18, 2014

  19. Lol just a single nuke will do the job of USA and in the next few years noone knows what will happen maybe all the Muslim countries,China,Japan,Russia etc gets united and attack USA even though Israel wont be able to help u all then.

    Comment by Anti-America | April 4, 2014

    • America seriously needs a pay-back time after what they have done in the other countries like they nuked Nagasaki wasnt that terrorism?,in Libya,Syria,Afghanistan,Cuba,and over 70 other states.And u shit Americans always thinks about the 9/11 attack lol u ppl even dont know what ur government have done.

      Comment by Anti-America | April 4, 2014

      • Took a bit, but you weren’t that hard to find. Be seeing you soon ;)

        Comment by Donald Larson | April 15, 2014

      • Very few people are alive who were responsible for dropping nukes in Japan. You are seriously twisted if you think justice is making their children’s children pay.

        Fuck off.

        Comment by acausal23 | April 15, 2014

    • You are a dumbshit.

      Comment by acausal23 | April 15, 2014


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