Thanksgiving Shows: Part Two

Today we have The Jack Benny Show from th 23rd of November 1947. Actually it’s the Lucky Strike Program, but why give a cigarette company any more advertising?

This is the pre-holiday show, leading into Thanksgiving. Only about half the show is dedicated to the obtainment of a Thanksgiving Turkey. This is pretty basic for a Jack Benny episode, it’s amusing enough though.

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Five things for November 10th

1. Reading In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash is going slower that I would like, but the stories are good.

2. Been watching Doki Doki School Hours, which I like, but falls apart a bit in the OVA. The cartoon is silly and seriously light on plot, but I like it. In a shocking breach of protocol, the voice acting on the dub actually isn’t bad. In a proper anime, one that follows all the rules, the dub’s voice acting should be so horrifically annoying that you want to jam a steak knife in your ear. This one isn’t too bad though. Normally I wouldn’t bother with dubs, but I sort of wanted to do something while watching the cartoon and it was easier this way.

3. Syd is trying very hard not to get sick right now. She’s being a brave little soldier, but I’m worried it’s going to catch up with her anyway. It’s creeping up on me too, I’m afraid. We need to buy some orange juice or something. Problematic since we’re low on funds until payday.

4. Right now, I would be willing to burn down the house and fake my own death to avoid having to do anything even remotely connected to any holiday.

5. These last few months have sucked. Seriously sucked in so many ways. Personal shit that I’m not going into here have caused problems and tension. A lot of “I’m disagreeing with her but I’m going to argue with you” coming from both sides. Got it mostly worked out, sort of. It seems to be okay, but everyone is still tense. That is enough to make most people depressed, but let’s combine that with my family’s inability to stay alive because of FUCKING INSURANCE COMPANIES! Oooh, I do hope that socialist white-folk hating Kenyan destroys your fucking industry and you suffer just one tenth of what you’ve done to others. Put that up with the physical symptoms of the arthritis in my poor mitts is really, really bad. My left thumb can hardly have any pressure on it today, for example. It keeps moving around, today the thumb, tomorrow the elbow, yesterday it was one of my knees. Never boring. Then you’ve got the muscle thing. If you can imagine microscopic rats gnawing at the fibers of your muscles, you can get to the feelings I’m having in my legs and arms. Enough right? No! One thing after another has gone wrong, broken, misfired, or just plain failed in a way that just writing FAIL in big block letters can’t convey. As a result of these things, many of which would be small and manageable on their own but not all coming at once, I have not been feeling at my best. I can’t even get angry at the whole thing, I’m just too tired. I am completely worn out and only have an inch or two of rope left.

If I do manage to get energetic for long enough to sustain an unhealthy anger, I think I’ll go to the headquarters of every pantheon I can find and inform them that I am not pleased by the current distribution of bullshit.

Top 40 Movies by odd connections (Part Two)

Here is Part One

So where were we? Oh yes, I remember now. Luke Skywalker just had his hand sliced off at the wrist. Now, I could pretty much mention any other Star Wars movie at this point, because Lucas has a hand amputation fetish, but that’s not how I roll. Let’s see where I go from a cut off hand.

That man is serious about getting rid of hangnails.

Evil Dead 2

I think it leads quite naturally into Evil Dead II, in which Ash looses his hand. Well, looses isn’t quite the right word, he takes a chainsaw and cuts it off himself. Granted, his hand had turned totally evil, but still. You’ve got to be pretty badass to take your own hand off at the wrist with a power tool. Right hand too, you might notice. Both the Evil Dead movies have a lot of talking to the dead, which is convenient for my next choice.

Don’t take it so hard, later we can be in a nice Spider-Man movie.

The dead talk in a lot of movies.

I shouldn’t have had that last one.

Rashōmon

In Rashōmon, the murdered man gives testimony through a medium leading to someone else talking to the dead. Yeah, didn’t see that one coming did you? Well, maybe if you’ve seen the movie recently. That part never fit with me, because of the supernatural angle, so I remember it really well. Of course Rashōmon is famous for being different versions of a single story told from multiple view points, and the tale itself is being told to someone so may have yet another view.

Um… pass! I know it seems lazy, but sometimes I honestly can’t come up with anything.

What other movies can we think of with multiple versions of the same story?

And when you really need it the most, that’s when Rock N’ Roll dreams coem true… for you!

Hero
The highly colorful Hero also contains different versions of the same story, but in a slightly different way. In this it’s just two guys telling each other how the events happened instead of several people giving evidence. Instead of never really saying how it all went down, we get closer to the truth as the movie unfolds. Of course, Hero is also contains a great deal of people fighting while flying. I wasn’t too into flying people before this movie, it always seemed a bit silly, but I liked it in this. It really was this and not Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon that did it for me.

I be done seen about everything, when I see a kung-fu artist fly.

Continuing on the “thing that has no business flying” theme…

And you thought seagulls were bad.

Dumbo
We’ve got Dumbo. Hey, Dumbo! You remember Dumbo? Of course what else is the chief point of Dumbo? Right, getting drunk. It’s when Dumbo and the mouse get drunk that they have the Pink Elephants. Boozing it up in a Disney movie! Don’t get that these days do we? Oh no! Health and safety would have kittens over that. However, this isn’t the only Disney movie with a main character boozing it up.

So… is it okay to get kids drunk now? Mixed signals guys!

Let’s see how we get there.

Again with the hooch!

Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Drinking could have taken us anywhere, but I choose to take us to Eddie Valiant’s drinking problem. I did this, because Who Framed Roger Rabbit contains an important link to our next movie. Also, I like the idea of Disney movies that have lots of drinking. If I could find a Disney movie with felching, you can bet that I’d use it. Probably not going to find that though. Even if I did, how would I draw back to mainstream films? About the only thing you could really do after that is claim that the Muppet Movie is all about fisting really. ANYWAY! You might remember that the opening of the movie has a story within the story.

Look, I’m trying to symbolize the inherent nature of man here.

It’s all a story with in a story, wrapped in an enigma, covered in dark velvety chocolate…

The Grand Ole Opry just ain’t what it used to be.

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Much like Baron Munchausen’s story is told on the stage, set within the confines of the movie. The Baron begins telling his story on stage, but then the tale seems to end, but it doesn’t really. The lines of where the story ends and the adventure begins is really blurred in a wonderful way. In that film, young Sally has a problem with her Father not being there for her, going so far as to say “And Son” instead of “And Daughter.”

See dads? A little bit of paste can make up for years of neglect.

Fathers and daughters have lots of problems though, as we’ll see…

It says here that pink high tops are still in fashion.

SPL: Sha Po Lang
While it was sold as Killzone in America, the movie SPL also has father’s having problems with their daughters. The end of the movie actually takes place around Father’s Day, which is a big part of the movie. Dads, sons, daughters, it all comes together here in a way that might confound some, delight others, and make fight junkies wonder where the next fight is. Don’t get too impatient, I’m getting to that. There is a great fight, an awesome fight, a fight so cool it ends with the bad guy being disemboweled with his own knife. That’s pretty hard-core right there, cutting a guy’s guts out.

GUTS! I know the screen cap isn’t perfect, so I decided to tell you.

Yeah, I’ve got another guts movie.

MORE GUTS! Same joke, different cap.

Rambo
Another film in which the bad guy gets his guts cut out by the end is Rambo, which I’ve reviewed before. That would be the fourth Rambo movie by the way. I’m not going to go into the various complaints about sequel names, just understand which one I’m talking about. In that movie, some religious missionaries basically caused all of Rambo’s problems for him. They don’t listen, they go places they’re not wanted.

The girl is cute though.

Religious people just cause problems for everyone.

Here we come a wassailing along the leaf so green.

Kingdom of Heaven
Case in point. In Kingdom of Heaven, it’s religious fanatics cause all the problems for everyone. Really, religion is just a big headache as far as movies go. Pretty much, unless you’re watching something on one of those religious channels that only grandmothers ever watch, religion is going to be problematic. Best to stay away from it. However, you should get this movie, but only in the Director’s Cut format. This is one of the few times that a director’s cut is worth your time. Mostly it’s just a lot of self-indulgence, but here it actually works. There is also a scene in which Saladin give the captured Guy a chalice of ice, which is a lovely frozen treat.

Should I make an “Ice, Ice Baby” joke? Y/N?

Frozen Treats?

You ever notice how there is no way to eat ice cream and look dignified?

Hot Fuzz
Speaking of Frozen Treats, cornetto in this case, let’s talk about Hot Fuzz. That movie is a veritable roller coaster of references. Among all the comedy and mystery and murders there is a fairly constant stream of winking references, which are how I like them. I won’t even scratch that surface, since it would take too long and would bore you quickly if you weren’t watching. Just trust me, reference city, this movie is.

Pic unrelated

OKAY! Next week we’ll pick up from where we left off today with the references.

Thought

If I got one of these and one of these, I could strap them to my back and be a Yuletide Ninja! Or I could get this and this and be the same, but on a budget and a little more personal.

The point is, red and green weapons that I could use to stab bitches who play fucking Sleigh Ride on November the 7th.

The big black hatchet I used was effective, but far from making that festive point.

The point being,
Save it for after Thanksgiving or I’ll split your head open.

Actually, don’t play Sleigh Ride at all because I hate that song.

Thanksgiving Shows: Part One

Re-reading Mel Blanc’s autobiography reminded me about his radio show. all of which you can download here if you like. There was only one year of the show because it’s very cookie cutter and the characters could be ordered by number. You’ve got girlfriend #7 (exasperated, but loving), sidekick #3 (screwy and stuttering), villain #4 (the gf’s disapproving father) and so on. Still it’s good enough to listen to once in a while.

What I’ve got here (obviously) is the Thanksgiving episode and like most the golden age episodes I’ve got it involves the main character failing at turkey. Listening to these shows, you’d get the idea that the baby Jesus would be sacrificed in the manger and his blood sprayed in the faces of pagan homosexuals if every person in the nation didn’t have a turkey for Thanksgiving. Seriously, it’s like the writers were from Mars and wanted to pretend like they knew things about America and were faking it as hard as they could and they only thing they’d been told about Thanksgiving was turkey.

This episode is a lot like the others in the show. Mel screws something up, wackiness ensues, it all comes out alright in the last three minutes, then there’s a commercial for Colgate Tooth Powder where they tell you that your breath is just plain nasty unless you brush.

Still, all that being said, the show isn’t bad. It’s pretty entertaining, just sort of… well… just set your expectations low is all I’m saying. Mel behaves quite nobly in this episode, giving away his turkey and serving his guests a large salami loaf instead. People get annoyed with him, but he doesn’t want to tell anyone that he gave the turkey away to an orphans’ home. When the guests are within ten seconds of killing Mel and stuffing him with sage and onions, an orphan shows up to tell him how much they appreciate the turkey. Trust me, I didn’t spoil anything, you can see the end coming a mile off. It’s that sort of show.

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I don’t even wear boots

Five minutes ago I was offered a time machine and a big pair of boots. The man with the time machine said I could go back in time and smack, punch, or curb stomp whomsoever I liked. The problem is, where do you stop? If I started smacking, punching and curb stomping everyone in history who deserved it, I would not only be kept busy for a considerable amount of time, but I’d keep going back. History is all connected, things build on other things. I’m not sure I could stop until I got back to the beginning life on this planet and either jump up and down on the first fish with lungs and legs or stomp the Gods’ faces until I wore out the heels.

After that, I would probably be presented with a bill for the damages. Either that, or I would cease to exist. Either way, can I afford that? With my credit rating?

So, I declined the offer and told the guy that I wished him well in all his endeavors.

Now I’ve got some little demon sitting on my monitor. He says he heard about my idea about stomping the faces of all the deities and would like to know more about my plans. He said he can’t offer time travel, but he does have a kick-ass pair of boots with heels that are guaranteed not to wear out no matter what.

I’ve sorely tempted, which I know is the guy’s job and all. Still though, I could end this sentence in an ellipsis…

Swords of Might Grab Bag 2: A Very Disappointing Grab Bag

Got another $100 Swords of Might bag… or did I? I would almost say we were charged for a $100 bag but received a $50 bag, since this is nothing like the first one.

I don’t even think I could flog this off on ebay and get my $100 back. I’m pretty much stuck with a severely undervalued grab bag. The problem there is they keep saying how they give people far more than their money’s worth. Tell me, is this worth $100?

FIRST lets have a look at the first grab bag we got. 3 swords, an axe, a stand, some knives and other bits of stuff. 12 items in all.

Now, this bag…

Cutest thing in the box.

Instead of 36, it comes in at 16 pounds.

Maybe you can’t see how small and paltry the box looks from here. Trust me, it is.

A sweatshirt and a t-shirt for Halo 2.

Two small tea light holders. Cute, but not impressive.

A crystal light thingy.

A sword they sent me last time.

And this thing

Which turned out to be a knife.

With nekedness.

7 items, and nothing that impresses me. One sword, one knife, two shirts, a crystal light thing and some candle holders. Nothing like the box we got last time. I’m not even going to hunt down the values, it’s just not worth the time or effort this time. Certainly not worth the money.

I am severely disappointed. I think I’ll even write them to express that.

Top 40 Movies by odd connections (Part One)

Here we are, November. Here we are a list of 40 movies. Let’s have a look at them shall we?

Part One

Pirates, bandits, whatever.

Project A
In Project A, Jackie Chan and friends battle bandits and pirates in turn of the century Hong Kong. This movie was one of the first (Winners and Sinners was the first Lucky Stars Movie, but this is a Jackie production and only has the three brothers.) movie where Jackie, Samo Hung and Yuen Biao all played together. Yuen and Jackie have a rivalry at the beginning, but it sorts itself out by the end. While this isn’t the first of Jackie’s big movies, this is really the beginning of his superstar period where he did almost no wrong for better than ten years. There was a sequel a few years later, but it’s a Jackie only production. This was One of the best moments from this movie is a scene in which Jackie’s Character, Dragon, fights the bad guys down narrow alleys on a bike before making his escape on said bicycle.

This is not proper use of equipment.

Our first connective theme is “Bikes”

Still sort of improper use of equipment.

Downfall
In Downfall, Traudl Junge and the kid (I forget his name) escape the madness of Nazi Germany, riding a bike before the movie fades to black. I remember there being some controversy when this movie came out, because some people claimed it made Hitler too human or something. I will agree, it made him human, but if the idea that he was a human being and not a monster from the planet Zargo is too much for you, then grow up! Yeah, the movie made him look like a human, but it made him look like a human douche. He’s such a cockbite I can’t imagine anyone actually following him. It’s like watching your best friend date a psycho and as the relationship is drawing to a close, and he really wants to leave her, he still won’t because he’s sucked into her web. You know it’s going to end with her killing him one day and then killing herself. The murder suicide of this movie isn’t Adolph and Eva, it’s the Nazi Party and Germany. Seriously Europe, you’ve gotta stop dating psychos. Another point about this movie is how no one can smoke in the bunker while Hitler is alive. As a result, people have to smoke outside the bunker and light up inside only after he’s killed himself.

You know they’re evil because they smoke!

Anyway, the smoking ban leads us to the next entry.

What? I’m just trying to have a ciggie!

Ronin
Another movie with a guy who has problems with smokers would be Ronin. Sam, played by Robert DeNiro, always stops people from smoking. This movie is one of the last great old school action movies. Its main plot point is just a big old metal case full of McGuffin, and our heroes need to steal it. Then, having it stolen from them, they need to steal it back again. There are a few good action sequences, but the main reason you’d be here is the car chases, which really are something. I don’t think you’ll get a car chase as good as that in the middle of Paris again. They really use the landscape in a way few chases do.

Fast car goes fast.

Car chases factor into our next movie as well.

Rocking it in a taxi!

The Bourne Supremacy
Did I say you’d never get a car chase as good as that again? Something that comes close is the final chase scene in the Bourne Supremacy. The Moscow Chase is probably one of my all time favorite car chases. It works differently than the chases in Ronin do, being more visceral and quick moving. At the end of course, we learn that the reason he went to Russia was to apologize to the daughter of a man and woman he killed years ago. The movie goes from an action piece to an emotional portrayal of a hitman trying to make things right.

There has to be a joke here. Think damnit THINK!

Much like our next film…

Dry, flaky skin?

The Killer
Chow Yun Fat’s character fires a gun near her eyes and that strikes Sally Yeh’s character blind and does his best to make up for the fact in the rest of the movie. I know, I know, guns and action and stuff like that is a big part of the movie, but can’t we concentrate on something else for a change? I mean the whole guns and brotherhood thing has been examined I think. Can’t I talk about something not homoerotic? Just once, just so I can get through this list a little more easily? I don’t want to have to write reviews or anything, just to justify how things are connected. Okay? SO! Sally Yeh’s character coincidently is a singer. John Woo wanted a jazz singer, but the studio demanded a more traditional song instead.

I’m not really singing this song, they’re just piping in the music.

Music and singers puts us into the next movie…

He’s not really singing either.

Night at the Opera
There are lots of singers at an opera. See? Connected! WOOO! Of course our heroes try to help a female singer and a male singer as well. Now, because it’s a Marx Bros. movie, our heroes aren’t the established type, they’re your typical outsiders, which is what you need in a story like this. In fact, most of the movie is dependant on them being outsiders, and building sympathy from the audience because of their status. They rely on madcap adventure to win the day here instead of machine guns or laser beams.

If only I’d come up with a perfect scheme instead of playing Monkey Island all day.

Outsiders are a common theme in many movies, such as…

I can see the music!

Gandahar
Another example of outside help is the deformed mutants in Gandahar, who in the end are the only ones who can help. There is a lot here about governments casting off and hiding their mistakes, trying to pretend they didn’t happen. That behavior tends to bite you in the butt, and I’ve read that there was more than a little bit about how the French government treated some things and how it bit them in the butt. Yeah, the movie is French. You can watch the American English version if you want, but the proper version is in French.

Sometimes, you don’t need a caption for it to be funny.

It’s very, totally French.

FRENCH!

The French Connection
HEY! There’s French people in this movie! WHAT? I said these connections might be vague and tenuous. The movie is about French people, being all French and stuff. Some of the movie even takes place in France, how much more French can you get? Around all the Frenchness there is also a subplot about drugs.

The good old days, when drug dealers enjoyed brandy over business.

Drugs! Yeah! Connections!

Uh huh, yeah, okay, gimme the drug, yep, uh-huh, I’m listening to every word you say.

Goodfellas
Of course dugs play a large part in our next film, Goodfellas. The end of Goodfellas is one long stream, very much like the sort of feelings one has while perpetually stoned. Can you tell I’m trying really hard to talk about these movies? Not feeling very creative really, most my energy was taken up by forming the list. What’s not quite so well remembered is a little scene where they all got to Tommy’s mother’s house and have a meal with her.

Such a nice home cooked meal.

The sort of ancient person giving young folk a home cooked meal comes in at our next movie…

Not such a nice home cooked meal.

The Empire Strikes Back
Where an impatient Luke and an old Yoda share a meal before the training begins. Remember? In his hut thing? Yeah. I knew you’d remember. Of course we can hardly mention Empire without mentioning the hacked off hand. Oh yeah, spoiler, Luke looses his hand just before Vader give him the big “Whose your daddy?” speech. Did I spoil the movie? If I did, go punch yourself in the crotch. Seriously, what planet are you from? How did you even get on the internet?

A break away hand. CLEVER!

More about hands being removed next week…
Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel!

Movie Review: Maximum Overdrive

Maximum Overdrive (1986 De Laurentiis Entertainment Group Dir. Stephen King)

DAMN RIGHT!

Let us drop hyperbole for a moment and admit that this is the best feature film Stephen King has ever directed. Those of you who don’t have your hymnals open to page 19 won’t get that joke, and if you didn’t bring your hymnbook with you, I’m not going to explain things. This is, however, King’s single best directorial effort with no mistake or argument. I’ve heard that the impetus was a bet between King and George Romero after King commented that making a movie didn’t look all that hard. At the time, King was working with Dino De Laurentiis, who I will always love because the man never turned his nose up at a stupid idea. DEG Produced both Evil Dead II and Cat’s Eye as well. Without him, there might not be a Maximum Overdrive and the world would be a darker place. Based on the short story Trucks, King pulls double duty as both director and writer of this magnificent piece of Grade A 80s era cheddar.

The man, the myth, the stupid clip-on sunglasses.

Maximum Overdrive is a film that challenges you as a viewer. It’s a movie that asks “Am I really a bad movie?” to which you are expected to answer “Well, yeah, obviously.” Except, if you dismiss it like that you’re going to get hit right between the eyes with “Yes, but are you sure that wasn’t deliberate?” and then you’ll have to stop and think. Because there is this sense that maybe it was supposed to be like this, that maybe King got exactly what he was going for with this movie. Go watch Creepshow again and tell me this man doesn’t have a screwy sense of humor. Twenty years before Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez were hailed as heroes for failing with Grindhouse, Stephen King failed with Maximum Overdrive. Not artistically, financially. I think it was too early, and too many people didn’t quite get the idea of winking comedy and horror put together yet. Odd, because Creepshow had come out almost five years before this.

Ah the 80s, when an entire movie could be explained with a single paragraph.

The movie begins with a text wall explaining that a comet made everything happen. This isn’t really important, because the rest of the story will more or less follow the story of Trucks in that the characters don’t actually know why the machines have decided to rebel. The first person to have any lines is King himself, getting the cameo out of the way to complain about and ATM calling him an asshole. And then the AC/DC music starts and you have to love King all the more. Who else gets one of the best rock bands in the world to score his movie? The first sign that the machines have more than profanity in mind when a drawbridge decides to raise itself. This movie isn’t 6 minutes old and we’ve had asshole, what the hell, shit, goddamn, Jesus Christ and fuck all spoken by characters. Shit doesn’t get a mention until later. If only there was a naked woman this would be everything I love about crappy 80s movies. Okay, technically, there are naked women, there are some photos from dirty books taped up to a wall in the truck stop. It’s not quite a later day Pearl, but you’ve got to make allowances. You don’t get everything in the first 6 minutes, the gratuitous machine guns don’t show up until later. We did get a blond in a white headband though, and that was awesome. It’s like we’re witnessing the Citizen Kane of 80s horror.

It’s not so much hard to come up with a joke for this shot as much as it’s hard to pick a joke.

After the opening madness at the bridge, we go to the Dixie Boy Truck Stop where the bulk of the movie will take place. Good idea, a single shooting location in North Carolina provided a lot of economy in those days and made it possible to show more of America than just New York and L.A. in the bargain. We’re introduced to our hero, a fella named Billy Robinson, who we are told is an ex-con. While we’re introduced, the games room of the truck stop is going nuts and braking, where upon a young man tells the machines how he feels explaining, “Your momma!” before stuffing his pockets with cigarettes that the vending machine begins to spit out. After that, a man is sprayed in the face by a malfunctioning pump hose and screams and screams. The reason Billy being an ex-con comes into the story is that there is a subplot that, in true drive-in fashion, fails to go anywhere about the boss of the Dixie Boy being a corrupt so and so. This reflects the deep seated corruption we remember from Chinatown, only it’s more personal and believable here.

It’s like Film Noir. Only, you know, not.

While Billy is talking to the boss, a waitress is taking care of the grill, until she’s attacked by an insane electric knife that is. The knife effect is really neat since it turns towards her before switching itself on and cutting into her arm. Blood sprays all over the place and Billy takes a hammer to the knife, killing it after several blows, proving him to be a kin to St. George who slew the Dragon of Silene all those years ago. Only Billy has no horse, or sword, or armor and goes off on an electric knife with a hammer. Still though, in this modern age without noble heroes, we take what we can get. Now while that’s going on, the fellow in the game room manages to get himself electrocuted and Sir Billy of Robinson is sent in to deal with him.

All he says is “Yo momma!” but when he says it, we believe him.

Suddenly, the focus of the movie shits to a little league game, where a young man has just hit what is sure to be the winning run of the game. This scene would later be mirrored in Kitano Takeshi’s 3-4 x Jugatsu only that movie was a fantasy of yakuza violence and retribution where a looser imagines himself to be slightly less of a looser where as here the kid makes the run and wins the game. The coach goes to buy some sodas (which I assume it a southern word for pop) and is attacked by the machine in a way that Jamie Hyneman would later use for a 7 Up commercial. As you are no doubt becoming aware, Maximum Overdrive is both the alpha and the omega of pop culture. The machine attacks kids left and right, before a steamroller comes for them. How awesome is it to still hear the under 16s using phrases like “Oh shit!” and “What the hell?” in a movie? We don’t get that anymore. Mom’s groups have fits and don’t let us have any fun these days. Once the kid who was good at baseball gets away, we shift story lines again. These interweaving story lines will come together in the end, focusing into a single thread, much like L.A. Confidential would do later. We’re introduced to a lecherous bible salesman and the girl he’s picked up names Brett. Point of order, why did girls stop wearing suit jackets with the sleeves pushed up and fedoras with their jeans and white shirts? She looks so good, and other girls looked great when that was the fashion.

Incredulous cuttie is incredulous.

When they get to the Dixie Boy, the big truck attacks. You shouldn’t be surprised that they get to the Dixie Boy. Everyone in this movie eventually gets to the Dixie Boy. Like Rome, all roads lead to the Dixie Boy. Once again the movie shifts and we meet Curt and Connie, a nice couple on their honeymoon. I don’t know about the guy, but Connie sounds a lot like Lisa Simpson, so I’m assuming that The Simpsons used an actress that imitates her voice with out the southern drawl in an obvious homage to this film. As the two of them stop at the wreckage of a filling station, they’re merciless attacked by an enraged tow truck. Curtis, at first, tries to reason with the truck, missing the patches of blood that adorn the front of the cab. For the first time, we get a confirmation that there is no one actually in the vehicles that are attacking people. One wonders why the cars aren’t acting up like the trucks and knives, but perhaps being more domesticated they don’t rebel as easily.

Please Matt Groening, get your show started and save me from all this.

Billy, being the heroic type, goes to investigate the big rig that tried to kill the bible salesman and Brett a scene or two ago. He’s still of the belief that someone must have gotten into the rig, but the facts don’t bear that out. As he investigates, Brett sneaks up on him and that have a Lead Male/Lead Female sort of conversation. She actually does just look at him and say “You’re cute” as an opener. It’s the sort of sparkeling dialogue I’d expect from My Man Godfrey, not some b-grade horror flick! She then asks “Did you ever see that much nothing at 10:15 in the morning hero?” which you must admit, is a hell of a philosophical question. Think about it for a moment. Have you ever seen that much nothing at 10:15 in the morning? I haven’t. These sort of weighty questions harkens back to The Seventh Seal and the questions that picture raises for the viewer. Only, instead of asking the question with impenetrable symbolism, it asks it outright through the medium of insane machinery on a rampage. In that way, it makes these questions more accessible to the mainstream audience and thus creates a more palatable sense of dread when facing a cruel an uncaring universe.

You’re the lead male
Yeah, and you’re the lead female
And this is the 80s. You know what that means don’t you?
We get to shoot guns later?
…Yes, that as well.

Our baseball player rides through the suburbs of his small North Carolina town, witnessing the violence that has be fallen his neighborhood and following in their wake like the narrator of War of the Worlds, dodging death at every turn when even the lawn mower comes after him. As it turns out, the baseball player is the son of the man who got the facefull of diesel in his face. He decides that he has to get to his son, announcing that “I gotta find my boy” to the world entire. This sort of fatherly dedication is right out of The Godfather. His dedication is short lived, since a rig runs him down almost upon the instant, killing him and driving the inmates of the Dixie Boy into the building. All but the bible salesman that is, who runs out to confront the evil like Don Quixote tilting at windmills, only in this case the windmill actually is the imagined giant. The reward for his gallantry is a blow that sends him right out of his shoes and into a ditch.

Just a little hay fever.

The group tries to raise help, but the radio is a machine and the machines have risen against them. This story line would later be mirrored in the Terminator series, and while the first movie came out before this, the original story of Trucks is clearly the inspiration for that movie’s back-story. The trucks now begin a campaign of terror by driving around and around the Dixie Boy in an attempt to break the spirit of the humans within. Meanwhile Curtis and Connie head inexorably toward the Dixie Boy, only to be menaced by another of the phantom trucks. Connie cries out “Why is this happening?” which is both a reasonable question and a great demand to the gods for an explanation for the entirety of the mortal world. Curt and Connie barely make it into the Dixie Boy parking lot. Connie then engages in a stream of profanity hardly seen outside of a Tarentino movie. As Billy and Brett attempt to get Connie and Curtis from the wreckage of their car, the first of the weapons come out. The boss of the Dixie Boy pulls out a bazooka, yes a bazooka and fires a round into one of the trucks which destroys it. Score one for the human race. They then fire a second rocket and boom goes another truck. It’s like Rambo, without the muscles, the mullet or the knife fetishism.

It took hours for them to realize that the first one in line was following the last one.

This leads to a tender male lead/female lead moment between Billy and Brett. This is because there must be a love story and they’re the lovers for today. Then they investigate the armory in the basement and discuss how Billy got to be an ex-con for a bit. It’s a confession that will be mirrored years later when George Lucas would borrow the scene in Episdoe Two, having Anakin explain his murder of the Sand people to Padmé. Meanwhile, the baseball player continues his Odyssey like journey toward the Dixie Boy, but finds his progress stymied by a series of obstacles put before him by the almighty. We then cut back to Billy and Brett, who have consummated their Male Lead/Female Lead status in the back of the truck stop, because romance happens anywhere. I was going to put a TV Tropes link here about how everyone always falls in love, but I can’t seem to find it and frankly, after 10 minutes I don’t care anymore. You’d think that’d be the easy one to find, but no. I guess it’s so obvious that there is ALWAYS a romance they don’t even bother to mention it. So fuck them, let’s get back to the movie. They then discuss the idea of going to a small island which is free of motor vehicles for the duration of the madness. One sentence? I continued for one sentence?

Nice to see Dee Synder kept working after the operation.

Sadly, the waitress has decided to go insane. She bangs a beer bottle on the table as she demands “They can’t do this” and then runs outside screaming “We made you!” to the machines demand that they can’t do this. The machines however, like the slave revolting in Spartacus, insist that they can. Once the machines decide they’ve had enough, they cut the power and leave their former masters in the dark. After a moment of that, the bible salesman proves that he isn’t quite dead by screaming in pain. The Dixie Boy inmates, or at least Billy and Curtis decide to go and rescue him. Connie complains that he should go and tells him not to make her a widow on her wedding day. He begs her “Do not forsake me, oh my darling, on this our wedding day”. It’s just like Gary Cooperonly without him selling a load of crap to McCarthy in hopes of ruining a lot of people he didn’t like. In greatest 80s fashion he and Billy strap on a bazooka and an M-16 before they run out to save the day. The guns aren’t immediately useful as they only want to get to a large shower drain in order to sneak along and find the salesman while AC/DC rocks along with them.

I will not make a lit fart joke, I will not make a lit fart joke, I will not make a lit fart joke…

It’s always great seeing in a movie when someone waves a small flashlight and it results in a grip off camera waving a large halogen light to create the illusion that the room is being lit by the single bulb. Billy and Curtis come out of the drains to discover that the bible salesman has passed on, but they do find the young baseball player and thus complete the trinity of useful male characters in this movie, bringing them all together at last. We are then left and the characters are all allowed to sleep for a while.

He actually believes this is a “Yee-Ha” situation we’ve got right here.

The morning of day two begins with a little military mobile platform and a bulldozer pulling up to the Dixie Boy. The dozer gets their attention by pushing away the wreckage of the destroyed vehicles and then attacking the front of the Dixie Boy. There is a small attempt to fight back, but the platform has a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho. The military scoot then pulls up and honks out at them inmates in Morse Code, delivering terms to them. The baseball player got a merit badge in Morse recently, so it’s up to him to translate. Interestingly, there doesn’t seem to be a merit badge just for knowing Morse code. There is the Radio Merit badge, which requires knowing Morse, but none for the code itself. The machines explain that if they pump gas, the inmates of the Dixie Boy will be allowed to live. They agree because, well, what else can they do? A rock montage then ensues of them filling the trucks all day long. “They don’t understand how a man gets tired” Billy complains as the unending stream of trucks just keep on coming. This of course is the symbolic complaint of the proletariat against the uncaring factory owner who constantly uses men and grinds them into the dust. There will be no union to help them though, because the trucks won’t allow such a thing. This is more or less where the original story ended, with them filling up the trucks, slaves forever under the wheels of the trucks. However, here there is a little more going on and besides it’s the 80s and we have rocket launchers. Billy suggests that a race of aliens is controlling the machines to destroy the humans and wipe the place clean before infesting the planet. From there, he begins to form a plan.

See? Heat, camel, it’s all symbolic.

A hand grenade into the platform removes the issue of the machine gun. Once they remove that threat, they run from the Dixie Boy, slipping away through some of the other drainpipes. Once the trucks realize that they haven’t seen the humans for a while, they start to smash into the Dixie Boy, turning it into a big pile of kindling. The destruction of Dixie Boy reminds me of the destruction of… oh hell, I don’t know. Pick something. I mean I could mention a lot of things, but it’s all a bit silly at this point and I can’t think of anything good at the moment. I mean damn, I’ve compared this movie to enough things, you think of one for a change! Why is it always me that has to do all the heavy lifting around here?

Can I a get a Woo Hoo?

The Dixie Boy escapees then run away to a marina where they finally finish off one of the main trucks and escape on a sailboat to the island we talked about earlier. I haven’t really talked about it, but you know what truck I mean. What’s perhaps most surprising is the sheer number of survivors there are. In most movies the group is picked off one by one until one three or four remain. Now there is a certain amount of picking off, but there are a dozen or so survivors by the end of this movie. Far more live than died. The end claims that a large UFO was destroyed and that six days later the world passed through the tail of the comet and everything was alright after that. The survivors of the Dixie Boy, we are told, are still survivors. And what better way could you end a movie than that? It makes the Triumphant ending to Star Wars seem small potatoes by comparison.

There! I showed the Green Goblin Truck! Happy now?

I guess I can understand why someone might not like this movie. It’s not funny enough to be a pure comedy, but there are too many jokes for it to be a straight horror. It’s not an easy movie to categorize. It also addresses too many of the greater questions that face humanity, which could scare away the sort of person who never looked into the abyss and found the abyss looking back. There are also some people who have no taste in music at all. Those folk might not like the AC/DC songs, but those people are bastards and should be punched in the crotch. If the movie has a flaw, it’s that the story telling is very much the “Tab A into Slot B” style with action around the story points to pad the run time. That’s not really a problem for me though. King was a first time director after all and at least his movie makes sense. Had he made more, I’m sure he would have done even better. No, in the end, this is the finest movie of its kind to come out of the 80s and it’s everything I love about cheap cinema. It’s filled with screwy ideas, a lot of “yeah, whatever” explanations as to why some very convenient things happen, and it lets the scrappy good guy win in the end. What’s not to love? Yesterday’s review was painful, but this was joy.

And the whole epilogue is explained in one paragraph too. God, I miss those days.

This may just be the best movie ever made.

Did you come? I came.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Movie Review: Hercules and the Captive Women

Hercules and the Captive Women (1961 Dir. Vittorio Cottafavi) Episode 12 of Season 4 which was shown on September 12th, 1992

Now squeal for me piggy! (yup, a sodomy joke right out the gate)

Flaming Crab Cakes! It was hard finding any information about this. The name of the movie is actually “Ercole alla conquista di Atlantide” and that is not the same thing as is written on the side of the box, let me tell you! I got an Italian Language Wikipedia page when I put it in and only someone who speaks Italian could tell me if it’s even about Hercules or this other cat Ercole. Is that an Italian name for Hercules? Who can tell? As Hercules Unchained is called Ercole e la regina di Lidia in Italian I’m going to guess that Ercole is Herc. I did find one page, but I didn’t really bother reading it because I’m in enough pain already and the movie hasn’t even actually started yet.

Did we really have to meet in this parking structure?

We start with as short historical narration about who ruled Thebes and how Herc and his son lived there. Now this isn’t Steve Reeves as Herc, this is Reg Park. A big red filter goes over the screen, while someone tries to start the plot, but I can only see a screen of red and I worry I’m probably missing something. The sound and color are horribly washed out and it’s hard to hear what’s supposed to be going on. It doesn’t help that we’re five minutes in and the only scene of dialogue is a bunch of people asking each other what the hell is going on. I think they’re being threatened, but it could be that the gods are giving life, so maybe they’re being threatened with life giving goodness? Seriously, I have no idea what the hell is supposed to be going on.

And here he is napping

Okay! A fairly clear dialogue scene has told me that a great evil is approaching to attack the Greeks. Sort of en mass I guess, but the Greeks can’t decide if they should unite against evil or just have a sammich. Androcles decides to go alone, worrying that someone will take over his kingdom. So Herc, being the helpful guy he is, announces no one will sit on his throne. He then proceeds to lift it up and hurl it to the ground, breaking it into pieces. He says they’ll rebuild it, but they can’t exactly go to Ikea to get another one. So the king decides that Herc is gonna go with him, and of course he doesn’t take no for an answer.

Napping

I think Herc’s son put a sleeping powder into his drink and shanghai’d his dad, but again, the audio is so bad it could be anything. Had they left in the original Italian, or possibly used a Portuguese dub, the sound might be worse, but I doubt it. Herc isn’t ticked though, he sort of finds it amusing that the king has just him and his son for an army against the enemy they know nothing about. No really, they even mention they know nothing about and have never even seen the enemy. No one knows who he is, what he wants, if he exists. Yeah, I said it. Maybe there is no enemy and this was all just a trick. If it turns out I was right, I want to say I called it right now. Umm, yeah, I’m watching as I type. I can’t take watching this and then watching it again to write the review so I’m reviewing as it plays. You’re getting it realtime baby! WOOOO! It’s the future! Well, actually it’s the past because I’m reviewing this in July.

Still napping. There is a lot of him sleeping in this movie.

So Herc sleeps while someone cuts the water pouches. Actually, there’s a lot of that. War starts, Herc Sleeps, they drug his wine, he sleeps, they travel the high seas, Herc sleeps, they cut the water skins, Herc sleeps, they kidnap the king, Herc sleeps. Herc only wakes up when it’s clear the guys are stealing the boat, and then he gets up and drags the boat back into shore via the anchor chain. As Herc’s name is in the title though, he wins and takes the boat back. AND THEN… Herc goes back to sleep. What a surprise. Waaaah. I just noticed that we’re only 22 minutes ion and have 72 left. Whimper. Why do I do this to myself? How many people are really going to read this?

Oh look! He’s standing now!

Okay, so a storm kicks up, but I can’t understand anything that anyone says because the storm noise kills all the voice work. Herc’s son gets swept off the boat though. Then the boat gets wrecked, and if you’re ready for a shock, Herc goes back to sleep. YUP! He goes to sleep on a bit of driftwood. I have no idea how he got to be such a big deal, since all he does is sleep. He has a dream about the king, begs Zeus for help, has a nap and then swims to an island, presumably because he thinks there will be better naps there.

Scrooge looked in amazement at how bad this movie was.

Huh? What’s he doing here? Weird. Anyway! On the island we have the eponymous captive women, or woman. It’s one girl in a fake looking bit of plastic rock that has bits cut out so you can see her face and hands. The girl tells him to run away, after asking him to kill her and end her torment. I know how she feels. An old man also tells him to leave and turns into the fakey-est looking fake iguana monster I’ve ever seen and then a wall of flame. There is also some talking, but I can’t understand much more than every third word. I hate complaining about the audio so much, since I’m sure most of what’s being said isn’t worth listening to anyway, but it’s really a problem here and I’d like to be the one to decide.

Are you guys even trying?

Herc kills he monster, saves the girl and… is there a plot to this? I mean I know Herc Unchained had problems but really! I can’t even tell if there is a plot, much less the seven or eight unchained had. Anyway, Herc walks to Atlantis, without even taking a break for a nap and surprise, surprise, the Queen of Atlantis is wearing a cocktail dress and has a beehive hairdo. She’s less thrilled than you’d think to have the girl, who turns out to be her daughter, returned to her. It seems if the daughter of the queen lives then Atlantis shall be destroyed. She let the daughter get this far because this is Herc’s world and we’re just livin’ in it. See, if there weren’t a full-grown girl for Herc to get interested in, then he wouldn’t save the day. Pretty much all of Herc’s motivations are sleep and tits.

Seven days after watching a video with her in it, you die!

Herc’s Son turns up with his midget, oh yeah, there’s a midget, and they fight the soldiers that are supposed to kill the daughter. Mostly they do this by hitting their shields with rocks and knocking them out. NOT KIDDING! They save the girl, and talk to her, but I can’t understand anything they say because of the lousy audio. I could claim the audio got really bad and had to turn on the MST3K episode, which has better audio and video to boot. BUT NO! I’m going to keep up this pretense of professionalism and watch this bitch. Even if there is only really audio on the left channel, even if the colors only come in the palette of “Washed out” and even if what little of the movie I can understand makes me long for the moments I can’t. I will do it, because I’m the baddest mofo ever to review a crappy movie. Eye of the Tiger baby!

Herc is actually very short.

So anyway, someone tires to kill Herc in his sleep. Big surprise there, him being asleep and all. Oh yeah, it’s the king that wanted to kill him except it’s not really the king, just some guy who looks like him. Or maybe it’s really him. Who knows? I don’t. The queen tries to mack on Herc’s hot bod and gives him some wine. When he falls down asleep, I want everyone to know that I called it. Of course it’ll be hard to know if he was drugged by the wine or just laid down for another nap! BUT WAIT! For once it wasn’t a nap. Ahh, bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?

Sleeping AGAIN! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie were one character sleeps so much.

Oh yeah, the son and the girl and the midget all walk along together while son and girl fall in love. No love for the little guy though, they never let the short guys fall in love. They run around in the desert, trying to avoid soldiers… for some reason that I haven’t quite worked out yet, and fall in love. I’m not just being contrary, the audio is so bad that I honestly am having trouble following the story of this movie. Assuming the movie has a story you understand, which is something I’m not willing to concede just yet. Another problem is that there are actual breaks in the film which were just spliced together. So there are missing bits of movie here, along with everything else. I should have just watched the MST3K version, that at least had clear sound and video.

Make your own Creepy Crawlers with the Creepy Crawler Playset.

So it turns out that the Alantians are trying to form a master race abusing the men of the valley while doing it. I’m pretty sure the men of the valley only just turned up in this movie, though I could be wrong. Herc agrees to help stop the people of Atlantis and save the men of the valley while his son stays behind to mack on the chick. The problem is that the men of the valley have decided that today is a good day for someone else to die and decide to attack the city. Herc’s son thinks this is bad because they need to wait for his father. Not to beat an already dead and decaying horse, but because of cuts and bad audio, I have no idea what the problem is. I still have half an hour of movie to watch and I’ve yet to work out the plot.

Frankly our colors are so washed out, I don’t know what side we’re supposed to be on anymore.

There is a magic rock, made of the blood of Uranus, which kills people. Herc wants to destroy the rock, but some old guy will only let him if he proves to be a man of great power. The old man then tells Herc that sunshine is the best disinfectant and that if he can shine the light of the sun on the stone then its power will be destroyed and so shall Atlantis. I wish you were here, partly so I could prove this insanity but mostly because watching these things alone can’t be good for me. After the old guy tells Herc about the Sun, there is a battle we don’t see. No, really. They actually fade out, as if there was a commercial, and when we come back, all the men of the valley have been slaughtered. The only reasons for these old Sword and Sandal movies is to have the big battles at the end and they skipped it! Maybe it’s because there is still 20 minutes left. 20 minutes? I was sure this movie should have ended an hour ago!

This man no longer believes in the movie he’s starring in. I don’t even know why he bothered being awake for this scene.

It would be so easy to just walk away. You could just fake the rest. Just pretend like you watched it, just pretend. Who is ever going to watch this to make sure your review is accurate? They’ll never know, just throw in the last twenty minutes of Seven Samurai. Fake some screen caps, put some suggestive comments. No one will ever know, I’ll keep the secret, you can trust me. Not only will it be easier, but everyone will thank you in the end. C’mon, it’ll be so easy, just walk away. Think of it, you could be watching The Evil Dead right now! Huh? Huh? Maybe even the Seventh Seal, or The Rocketeer. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Hmmm?

You could be watching a movie that doesn’t suck right now…

Ma-Movie that doesn’t suck? Are there such things? Are there movies that don’t suck? I can has non-crappy movies?

Are you going to let this crappy movie win? Is this all there is to you?

I… but it sucks so much.

I thought you were made of sterner stuff. I thought we could depend on you.

It just… I hurt so bad.

… No! Weirdo! Please, you can’t quit now. Think of Camo-Ninja! What would Camo-Ninja say? Would he give up? Would he quit?

Huh?

You can do it Sailor Moon!

Camo-Ninja? Is that you?

C’mon! You can beat this movie! THINK! What would Marlowe do?

Can I? He’d… what would he do?

He’d do it for God, for England, and St. George!

Wha? Would he?

Do it for Tiny Tim!

But surely, Mike, Joel, Crow and Tom could…

They are not standing on the square sir! You are.

But.

Will no one help the widow’s son?

Now wait! I’m not even a Mason.

Will you let this evil movie have it’s way with this cute little hottie?

I…

WILL YOU?

I don’t want to, but what can I do? It sucks so bad.

We’re going to enjoy her, just step away and we’ll end this now.

…Don’t worry. It’ll all be over soon. Don’t worry about this riff-raff, we’ll just pretend like they didn’t even exist after this.

Don’t look baby, you don’t want to see this.

Look! I’m sorry, okay? I’m just a small time writer with ADD and a tiny readership. Even if I did somehow wrestle this movie to the ground, what could I do? Warn fourteen people of the danger? I’m not Stephen Fry you know. This isn’t even really what I do, this is an off-shoot, a side project. I only post here maybe four times a year normally. I’m sorry if evil seems to have seeped out and is currently destroying the world, but I can’t do anything about it. It’s not as easy as you seem to think. I’m sorry. I’m not as strong as you thought. I’m sorry everyone, I just don’t think I can keep going on. This is the sort of movie that just rips your soul out. Even if the color wasn’t screwed, and the sound wasn’t some of the worst I’ve ever heard, and it wasn’t re-edited to within an inch of it’s life, it would still be just a crappy cash in.

Confound it sir! Will you simply sit there idle while evil deeds are afoot? If you do, then you shall receive NO SANDWICHES!

NOOOOOOO!

I!

CAN’T!

STOP!

NOW!

TINY LITTLE CAPSLOCK OF RAGE!

Must… go… ON! Must… finish… crappy… movie! How the hell… does Shatner… do this? I guess that’s why he’s The Shat and I’m not. Never… mind that, must… not… quit! This movie must be watched, no matter the cost. If I can just open this Autobot Matrix of Leadership, it’ll unleash the power of Stan Bush. If only there was a mystical token, a bright shining emblem that could help me. If only I had a metallic fish backed up by a funk fiber optic reflection superimposed under it. I need a golden fish. Must reach for a golden fish. Help me Obi-Wan Ken-Sadko, you’re my only hope.

If I can just get a golden fish…

Did he say a golden fish?

….

YOU GOT THE TOUCH! YOU GOT THE POWAH!
YEAH!

Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. I feel cleansed now. To be perfectly honest, that’s actually a recreation of how I felt while actually watching this mindless pile of dreck. I really did have a crisis of conscience where I contemplated just turning on the MST3K episode and following along from there. I even considered saying to hell with it filling in the rest of this review with bullshit and pretending like I watched it. But I knew that you, my audience, would want to know you could trust me. I needed to finish this, not for you but for me. And besides, I know you depend on me to tell you what movies you should see. You rely on my interpretations to tell your friends what things to watch and what to avoid. Besides, what would Peter Cushing say?

Let’s finish this.

Word up Pete!

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the queen of Atlantis tells Herc that her soldiers are all Super Soldiers ala Captain America and that all of them have his strength. I wonder if they also has his weakness, that being the constant need to nap. It doesn’t matter because the fight is now officially on! Or maybe it isn’t because Herc jumps through a trap door, finds his son and then you think the fight must really be on right? You’d think that, but you’d be wrong. The movie never really gets going unfortunately. What we do get is Herc and son trapped in a room full of magic gas and a progressively lowering ceiling. Yeah, they went there, they went for the crushing ceiling. Pity there aren’t any spikes.

Wait? So the Master Race is Amish?

It doesn’t matter of course because Herc and son easily push the ceiling back and crawl away from the evil magic mist. Then they travel through some caves before finally Herc Announces that he has had it with these melon farming snakes on this melon farming plane and goes all out balls to the wall… no, actually he doesn’t. He just steals a chariot and goes joy riding. *Sigh* Steve Revees, where are you? Hell, I’d take Bruce Li at this point. Herc gets to the chamber where the stone made of blood is and starts breaking through the ceiling to let the sun shine in. Meanwhile the midget tells the son that the girl and the king have been kidnapped so they go to try and pretend that they’re going to wrap up the B-Plot even though this movie doesn’t really have an A-Plot to deal with so there can’t very well be a B-Plot to sort out.

So close, and yet so far.

Herc breaks open the ceiling and sort of sets a time bomb since the sun shines down about two feet away from the spot where the stone is. The old man tells him that the sun will move and destroy the stone, even though, really, why should Herc believe that? Let’s think about this for a moment, who has been trustworthy in this whole movie? No one that I’ve seen. So why believe the old man? I guess because the plot says so. Also, the light does shine down, the island explodes, everyone on Atlantis dies, the joint sinks and only Herc and company escape. The island takes about nine hours to be destroyed though, which is strange because there’s only five minutes left to the movie’s runtime. HOWEVER! The girl is among the company so the son does get the girl. So that’s nice. The King remembers Herc, the Son gets the Girl, The Midget gets nothing. And I get deep psychological scarring that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Ah well, it’s not like I’m able to sleep at night anyway.

Is it me, or does that guy on the right seem about to scream that this is Sparta?

I need to say, this really was a tough movie to watch. Strange as it may seem, I actually like these movies. For all the teasing I gave them, I liked The Atomic Brain and The Transparent Man. They’re sort of cheep, but they’re still entertaining. It’s fun to watch that stuff and take the piss out of it. You can like something while admitting all the flaws that dog it at every step. A lot of time, you need these crappy bits of garbage, just to give the truly great movies a place for comparison. This however, this wasn’t fun. This was really hard and painful to watch. Also, I can’t really watch something for a review with friends. They get resentful when I pause the movie to write a paragraph. So watching it alone, my reviewing space became a very lonely place indeed. When the movie is this bad, and you’re alone, it hurts you and that hurt is a lonely hurt and this here truck is alone in the world. Yeah, a real live, genuine literary references in your Hercules review. Suck on that! It hurt bad and there was no help for it. This movie derailed plans I had to do a whole month of MST3K movies without the bots. Instead, I ended up with what you got, which wasn’t perfect in my mind. Still, there is tomorrow, and I’ve got something sort a treat planned. A treat to me anyway. Although at this point you must feel like you’re opening one of those puzzle boxes every time I post now.

What’s your pleasure sir?

PS- I do hope you noticed the voice of evil is Comic Sans MS. I thought it a particularly nice touch myself.