LINKS!

I have little to say today…
um…
Have a bunch of links!
Silent Night Deadly Night, Part 2 Garbage Day!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
McDonald’s “Totally Toy Holiday” Happy Meal! Yummy and time wasting!
Movie Review: Scrooge (1951) This is the Alastair Sim version!
Santa Fu! Video Game!
Movie Review: Morozko (Jack Frost) AWESOME RUSSIAN MOVIE!
Don’t Open Till Christmas Woo!
Cartoon Review: A Garfield Christmas Less awesome!
4 Bad Lessons ‘Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer’ Teaches Kids

Like Oscar, I hate Christmas

Why do songs like Just 3 Letters for Christmas exist? Hey kids, it’s The Holidays, so let’s make you feel as bad as possible!

Have a listen to the fucking thing…

OH FUCK YOU CHRISTMAS! Fuck you right in the ear. Fuck you forever! Can we PLEASE, PLEASE BAN THIS HOLIDAY? Let’s just get rid of the whole thing if it’s going to cause fucking songs like this bullshit! FUCK YOU! Fuck your passive aggressive, shouldn’t you call your poor old crippled maw dog shit! I am so fucking sick of people using holidays like this to make me feel bad, and I’m sick to death of emotional blackmail. Fuck Christmas, I hope the world goes atheist Dec 23rd and avoids the whole thing! Fuck the guy who wrote this, I hope his kids really did avoid him on the The Holidays out of spite and disgust.

Fuck it, you know what else exists?

Just a Little Christmas Blowjob

Okay, that’s kind of funny.

Here, read this, it’s also funny. And pictures, mustn’t forget the pictures.

Gift packs from The Movies

Well friends, The Holidays are upon us once again and many people don’t know what to get their loved ones. Worse yet, times being what they are, many people can’t afford much. HOWEVER! As always, I have a solution. Why not go to the movies, not as a gift, but as an inspiration for gift giving ideas. Films and TV are filled with examples of people shopping on a budget. Just put together one of these packages and give them either to one single loved one or to the group to show your cleverness. This will make iut the best VEWPRF ever! If it works, I should totally get the credit.

Homer Simpson’s Gift Basket
These are what Homer got the family (Dog not included)
Pack of Panty Hose (six pack is best)
Pack of Legal Pads (Three of these)
Pork Chop Dog Toy
Bird House (It was in the tree)

A Christmas Story
Taken both from the movie and from the original story, these are things Ralph got for his family and one thing Ralph got.
Toy Zeppelin
Container of Simoniz
String of fake pearls
Red Ryder BB gun

Miracle on 34th Street
Things given by Kris
Official NFL Football Helmet
Fire Engine that squirts
X-Ray Machine
House

It’s a Wonderful Life
Oh you know where this is going…
Suitcase
Zuzu’s Petals
Wings
Life

And for those of you who are into counter programming…
Jason Bourne Gift Package
He gives them to people! These are gifts!
Pall Point Pen (for stabbing)
Magazine (for rolling up into club)
Bottle of Vodka (improvised mace & disinfectant)
Copy of The Parkour and Freerunning Handbook (for doing all that free running stuff)

Update from Fancy

Boy: Still Missing
Dead Ninjas: Still on Floor. Still Stink
Christmas: CANCELED (per Request from one S. Claus)
Suggested Action: Watch This

This message brought to you by computer RPGs

You have in your inventory…
1 (one) Flamethrower
1 (one) Box of Matches
1 (one) Lighter
1 (one) Flaming brand
1 (one) Lantern which never goes out
1 (one) Magnesium flare
1 (one) Ball of just… fire! No fuel, no item that it’s holding to, it’s just a ball of fire

However! If you want to light THIS particular pile of logs, then you need THAT one torch that was in the castle that the old man kept hinting about. You may now walk 15,000 miles back to get it. No, it’s cool, don’t worry about your freezing friend. Once you turn your back he’ll enter a state of quantum flux where he is both frozen to death and alive. When you light the fire, the waveform will collapse and he’ll be fine.

Also, ninjas and stuff. Probably not in Marrakech, no need to look for me there.

Ninjas are Japanese covert agents

To prove that I have not been kidnapped by the Sighn Brotherhood, who aren’t technically Ninjas by the way, here’s an old classic. The Miracle on 34th Street Review.

OMG! More Kidnappings!

This post is written by Fancy, the Ruler of the Universe.

Good lord n’ Butter! I thought my number was up! It’s one thing when the boy is kidnapped, but those vicious bastards tried to kidnap ME! Me! Fancy! The Ruler of the Universe was not spared! I was shoved in a box, taken to a strange place, poked, prodded, x-rayed, and told I have arthritis!

However, through daring do and cunning plans, I escaped and am now back at home. Still no boy, no brushing, and those dead ninjas are still lying around, but I am home!

There is nothing to worry about

Just to make things clear. Grey Weirdo was not kidnapped by the Singh Brotherhood. He has not been taken to a remote location. He’s not being tortured until he breaks. There is no reason to worry, Grey Weirdo is fine and sitting in front of Big Orange eating cupcakes or whatever.

Look, here’s a picture of one of the cats, just to prove everything is fine.

Also, we are not ninjas, this is Grey Weirdo talking about himself in third person for some unaccountable reason.

Turkeys are Pointless

This post is written by Fancy, the Ruler of the Universe.

Why do people get so wound up about the turkey being killed for us to eat it? You never hear anyone go on about the cow that was last night’s steak or the chicken in tomorrow’s soup, but good lord ‘n butter(!) they are so sad that a turkey died. This, despite the fact that a turkey is, without a doubt, the stupidest and most pointless bird I have ever had to deal with. These are not smart, nor noble, or particularly handsome creatures.

The turkeys you eat can’t even mate on their own, they need help for that. The breast is so large on a modern turkey, that the male literally can’t mount the female. So because you like white meat, we have to train people to jerk off a turkey and stick a… well, a turkey baster up another turkey, just to get more turkeys. Does that sound like an animal that could survive on its own, or does it sound like something that needs killin’?

Also, different subject, where the hell is the boy? He’s been gone for hours and these dead ninjas are starting to smell.

There is no need to panic. I am fine. Everything is normal.

Hello everyone, everything is fine and normal! I am Grey Weirdo! Of course I am! Look, I will say some wacky non-sequitur now.

BAKED GOODS!

That’s the sort of wacky thing I say, right? Of course it is, so you can stop worrying now.

As further proof, here is a video about movies. I talk about movies all the time.