Sex talk that I fail to have a clever title for due to the late hour and cold medicine.

Some one, I won’t say who (but she knows that she eats puppies) is having an enforced “Low Self-Esteem Day” brought to you by “Some Asshole in the Street” and other shaming types. As a result, she was asking if those of us with ladies would express what we liked about our ladies bodies. Now this is hard for me, because I have a plethora of Secret Internet Girlfriends (most of whom I only know through outdated photographs), and I have Syd, who hits me for saying anything about her body at the best of times. No matter who I talk about, I’m going to get in trouble.

So here is what I’m left with, I’m asked to make a series of statements about women’s bodies, but without accurate documentation. Now on the one hand I could ask you each to send me photos of yourselves in your underpants, for science purposes, but that’s a wee bit creepier than I had planned on being today. Instead, I was hoping for a slightly less creeptastic drive down Girl-Body Lane. Wait a second… did I just insinuate that I would be driving a car over a road comprised of dead women? Because that would be even creepier than asking you to send me photos of you in your undies. Fuck it! Let’s get to objectifying!

Let us instead talk in more general terms. I like all bodies, granting that I like them to be within reason. I like them long and lean, short and stout, medium and… um… medium? Okay, so that sort of falls apart, but it’s true. I like girls with curves, and I like girls who are skinny. I like all kinds of bodies, even though there are extremes on either end of the spectrum that turn me off. It would be impossible to claim that these extremes don’t exist, even for little old me, but the markers are generally further out than you probably think. I don’t know, maybe by now you know me well enough to know that my goal posts for fuckability are not quite where everyone else’s are. I rarely worry about where other people’s posts are, because to be frank, they don’t really count. If you can understand why I like this one, or that one, then good for you. If you can’t, well I can’t understand your desire for that one over there either, but I won’t begrudge you your desire for her.

I like all the bits of women too. Rather, I like something different on each woman. Each and everyone, a slightly different set of features to be explored and memorized. This one has such lovely eyes, that you could stair into until the end of time. That one has a strong jaw line and that comes down to a perfect chin. She has slender tapering arms, she has powerful shoulders, she has a thick wrists and she has graceful thighs. And yes, of course, obviously I notice the breasts and buttocks of every girl that I come across. That, however, is merely a matter of course. Save for a few, I’m mostly just glad that those parts come along at all. In many ways, it’s also a matter of how well those parts fit in with the rest of the body.

For the most part, however, that’s all just male gaze stuff. And while I understand its place as both a positive and a negative factor in male/female relations, how you look is not that important to me. If I were simply looking for someone who fit into a narrow body image, I could find her easily. However, there are problems there. Looks fade, and when you look exclusively for appearance you forget that they probably have habits that will annoy you. They might like the wrong kind of music, they might like Reality Shows, they might even think that reading is for like… squares and stuff? What do you do then? Dump her and move on to the next girl who looks nice, but will annoy you? Do you leave a wake of angry and resentful women behind you?

Or, do you do what I do? See, while I’m perfectly willing to admit that physical looks hold some level of importance, it’s far more important that a lady excite my mind. I could, quite easily, get some girl* to take to bed, if that was all I was interested in. The problem is, I need to talk to her afterwards and I need there to be some kind of connection between periods where sex isn’t happening. I’m a modern man, I need modern women. Without brains, there isn’t much I can do with you.

The mind is the sexiest part of any woman, and should be considered in any conversation of sexuality. If you’re not kicking it at the very top, then it really doesn’t matter how much you’re kicking it further down the body, because without mental stimulation I will get bored of you. I’m not even saying someone needs to have read all the books I have, as I said before, it might be better if she hasn’t, because then we could discuss different things.

Now, looking at my earlier posts, I can see that I was going to discuss slut-shaming, body-shaming and other such things, but I’m afraid I’ve run out of steam. I’m not fans of them, and it occurs to be that bi-shaming would take at least two pages for me to discuss and I can’t look down that barrel tonight. Still love me?

Okay, despite all my talk a moment ago, I’m not even that comfortable with dumb-shaming. You can be annoyed by ignorance, but you shouldn’t try to shame someone out of it. There, I talked a little about it. Now it’s time I went to bed.

*This boast brought to you by the year 1998

What you call it

The One Night Stand. I’ve heard it called many things over the years. I don’t intend to mention all of them here, but I do intend to talk about a couple. Not so much the terms, but the euphemistic ways they talk about it.

One friend slightly callously, in my mind anyway, referred to the event as “I picked her up, and when I was done I put her back down again.” However, it was only slightly callous and to be honest, it was extremely accurate. Besides, she said something similar about them, so it balanced out really.

Another friend, sort of romantically and playful said of such a situation, “We were at a party, and she followed me home.” I like that one a bit better, it’s got some breath of innocence and fun to it.

My favorite however is still “She threw herself at me, and I caught her.” which provides me with all the things I enjoy, forward women and gallant souls who accept offers from forward women. Well, I really like forward women, if I’ve never mentioned that before.

Polyamory Q&A: Questions 6 and 7

6. What’s your ideal relationship plan?
Hard to say, I want more than I’ve got now, that’s for sure. I would like at least one more person, maybe two, who knows. My plan is one where everyone is happy. If everyone is in love with each other, that would be best. A semi-closed triangle or square? Yeah, that sounds okay. Now, don’t get on me about fairness, or about what other people in the relationship might want, that wasn’t the question. The question was about MY ideal and MY ideal has a small group of lovers, each of whom I can form connections with on different levels with semi-regular intervals of group sex.

I just want all the little empty cracks in my heart to be filled. I learned long ago that one person wasn’t going to excite all my interests, so I needed more than one. Also, group sex is a lot of fun, I’m not going to lie to you. Three ways rock and I’m assuming four ways rock even more.

7. Would you like two co-primaries, a staggered hierarchy (primary, secondary, tertiary), or a partner and a host of casual fuckmuppets?

I am made very uncomfortable by the idea of the hierarchical layout. I just can’t get into that vibe much. I don’t like putting one person above another. Some people, that’s totally for them, but not so much for me. Of course, as things currently stand, who knows what the situation will be the next time someone shows up at our door?

That being said, I could see the advantage to casual fuckmuppetry, but I could also see the downsides. I’m fairly fluid mentally, so I could have a friend, and be sort of a lover, but still technically be a friendship, I suppose. I’d already have deep feelings for them, if we were going that far, so it wouldn’t be that big a shift. Maybe? I’ve never had a fuckmuppet before, so I can’t say.

No, all men know Red Socks mean sex.

I recently read an article that several people posted, and while I agree with most of what the author said, I noticed a glaring omission. At least it was glaring to me, and I’m going to mention it. I wouldn’t say that the point missed is the most important, I would put it number three or four on this list, but it is very important to me.

Men must always be the romantic pursuers.

This one frustrates the hell out of me because I am not good at pursuing romantic leads. If a girl keeps trotting just out of reach in hopes that I’ll chase her, I’m far more likely to say “Every time I start to get close, she moves away. She must not want me near her.” I know a lot of guys who are bad at working out what the girl is thinking and if she wants to be pursued or just left alone. However, good or bad, we have to do it or die alone. This is because everyone knows a girl is NEVER supposed to so much as say she likes a guy, lest she be seen as too eager and thus… slutty. It doesn’t even matter if she is sexually promiscuous*, because she chases a boy she likes, she is instantly a slut and no better than she should be. So she has to try and be subtle and send tiny hand written notes while he’s looking for billboard signs of approval.

This sets up a moronic situation where girls are sending coded signals that she thinks are obvious and men are just missing. In the end, it means that I end up listening to girls complain “I don’t know what else to do. I wore red socks.” to which I end up saying, “Well, you have to understand… wait, what?” and she says “Yeah, I wore red socks. I even pointed them out to him.”

Me: “Which means… what exactly?”
Her: “Well, the red socks means that I’m totally hot for him. That I’d fuck him in the hallway, right there and then, if only he’d ask me. But he hasn’t asked me, so he must not want me. *SOB*”
Me: “WHAT?”
Other Female: “Yeah, that’s totally what red socks mean.”
Me: “Since… fucking… when?”
There’s more to this conversation, but their end turns into more secret code talk and my end devolves into an interesting pattern of profanity and bafflement. .

The point is that it would help enormously if we all agreed that girls can pursue boys and no one is a slut or a fag for letting it happen. Also, can we all agree to either dump things like the red socks, or to give men a cheat sheet so we know what the obscure things you think you’re being obvious about actually is? Seriously, red socks? I didn’t make that shit up.

*not that I have anything against promiscuity mind.

I spend a lot of time thinking about things

I actually find it pretty offensive that these guys claimed all the horrors in the world were hidden in a girl’s ‘box’ and if she opened the ‘box’ then all the evil escapes. SRSLY! This and vagina dentata comes from the same mental place don’t they?

Don’t fear the pussy, that’s all I’m saying.

Honk if you’re horny

I saw a photo of someone with a “I <3 Jebbus” button on their jacket. Whatever happened next, is Fancy’s fault…

THIS happened next.