Top 40 Movies by odd connections (Part Four)
PART ONE!
PART TWO!!
PART THREE!!!
AND I’LL FORM THE HEAD PART FOUR!!!!
So last time we were talking about Mifune walking away…
Just keep walking, don’t let them know they’ve fazed you.
High Noon
Will walks through the whole of High Noon, walking around from place to place. The movie is about how crappy the Red Scare McCarthy crap was and those jerks who were all about selling their friends out to those Un-American cockbites in the past. At least, that’s what it amounts to. Something there for us, even today. Particularly if you don’t live in “Real” America. There is also a subplot involving his wife and his former girlfriend. They even have scene together.
Trying to come up with a joke that isn’t some sort of dirty three-way invitation, but that’s all I’ve got right now.
Wives and girlfriends, of course I’m heading for…
You kn ow that day when caption jokes just won’t come? Today is that day. Maybe I’ll be better before I post this. If you’re reading this, then I never did.
Highlander
There is a bit of wives and girlfriends stuff in Highlander as well. Connor is regularly encouraged to leave all the hotties he knows, but refuses. I think he knew that Sean Connery just wanted the babes for himself. Also, there are flashbacks, lots of flashbacks. Flashbacks are a primary storytelling device in this film.
Should I insert a penitration joke? Heh, insert. Get it?
Flashbacks!
No, really. Why do I have to be pink?
Reservoir Dogs
Now there are a good deal of flashbacks in Reservoir Dogs, which is mainly about a hold up. I probably need to say more about the movie, but I’m really sort of running dry here. Hell with it, blah, blah, blah, filler, filler, filler, that’s when I noticed the DNA evidence had been tampered with.
This moment brought to you by Lucky Strikes. Remember LSMFT!
Hold up!
Harry Tuttle falls on hard times (Obscure reference for the win!)
Heat
There is a hold up in Heat. There are two actually, but one leads to a massive shoot out, which was a pretty big deal at the time and still is sort of landmark. It was a bigger deal then I think, because it’s been copied a few times now. Everyone remembers the big shoot out in downtown LA. What you may not remember is that the driver for the hold up in a guy working as a short order cook in a work release program.
In a powerful moment, Bobby DeNiro complains about his eggs being over-cooked.
Cooks on parole naturally leads us to…
The greatest egg cooking moment ever captured on film.
Maximum Overdrive
There is a cook on parole in Heat, which is JUST LIKE MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE! The same situation, only instead of being a driver, he hates the cars. My review of this movie was pretty much definitive, so I won’t rehash it here, I’ll just try to remember to link to it. They also escape the madness on a boat at the end of the movie.
Yeah, mostly we just sit in front of it at the marina.
Where do people escape on boats?
Yeah, I know you can barely tell what movie this is. I don’t care. You get 80 screen caps in one day and see how you feel about picking just the right shot after a while.
Hard Boiled
Now how many of you remember that at the end of Hard Boiled, Tony Leung’s character leaves Hon Kong on a boat, escaping the situation. This being probably the magna opus of the Gun Opera genre, I sort of had to slip it in somewhere. There is also a big fight in the middle where the bad guys ambush the other bad guys while riding motorcycles.
Both hands on the bars guys! If you fall down and hurt someone I will have no sympathy.
And who else rides motorcycles?
Wacky idea. How about I change my name to an unpronounceable glyph and stop making good music for 10 years or so?
Purple Rain
Why Prince rides a motorcycle of course. In his Musician makes good movie Purple Rain. I could say more, but I think you get the idea. Either you’ve seen this, or you don’t want to. I could try to explain why I like it, but I think it would be futile in this format.
Rocking out and cocking out.
Where else does a musician make good? Need you even ask?
POWER CORD!
Sadko
Sadko is another musician makes good tale of course. We all love this movie, let’s not pretend otherwise. It’s a great film and we’ll just leave it at that. The other point being that he gets help from his friends in the undersea world to get a golden fish.
Someday I may get tired of this pic, but I doubt it.
People need a little help from their friends…
How the Peanuts Thanksgiving seating should have gone.
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
Another movie were friends help out is The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. Now Pooh’s main motivation is of course honey. Everything he does it for the food. Which leads us too our final film. Now, sometimes I’ve made jokes and I’ve stretched, but this time it isn’t. I can lead perfectly naturally from one to the next.
Time to admit you have a problem.
Food as motivating factor?
DAMN RIGHT!
Seven Samurai
My actual number one movie. The samurai are not paid in this movie in anything other than honor and rice. The only thing the farmers can offer is a bowl of food per day while they themselves eat millet seed. It makes Kambei’s acceptance of their request that much more poignant, when he holds up the bowl and tells them he won’t let it go to waste.
Look at it. LOOK DAMN YOU!
And who do they defend the village against? Bandits. Just like Jackie Chan did all the way back in Project A.
Baddies are bad.
See? It all comes back to the beginning.
Now as I’ve said, these 40 aren’t my absolute favorite Top 40 movies. In actuality, they’re part of my Top 100 that I could link to each other in this chain to fit the format. Maybe sometime I’ll post the actual 100 list in order, but not today.
Cartoon Review: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (1973 Dir. Bill Melendez)
From his dopey, drugged out look I have to suggest he was watching “I love the 80s” on VH1
When this review was first written, this was the only other Thanksgiving special I could find in my collection. Someone told me that there are some more, but I’d have to watch TV shows I hate to find them so never mind. Using the two I’ve seen, I will now make sweeping generalizations about any and all Thanksgiving specials. They are heavily padded to make up for short scripts, they involve lots of costume changes, grandmothers not being up to the normal ideal of granmotherlyness, they all have jazz soundtracks, alternate menus for thanksgiving feature heavily as do the difficulties in food preparation and Drew Barrymore was hot in the 90s. That’s not actually part of the show, but this picture just popped up as my wallpaper and it sort of stopped me for a moment. Nothing serious but it did give me a second of “Whoa, she was hot there” and I thought I would share that moment with you. After looking her up out of curiosity, she still looks really good actually. Enough of this tangent though! Let’s start the cartoon, shall we?
You can just smell the sexual tension can’t you?
The cartoon starts with another episode of Lucy tricks Charlie Brown into trying to kick the football again. This is Lucy’s only scene in the entire special and while she entertains, it’s too little meat for her. She knows it and it drives her to commit darker evils on Charlie than she has in the past. Not only does she yank the football away, she teases him with his stupidity for falling for the same trick again. Sadly, he deserves it for failing at simple pattern recognition. This then leads us into the opening credits which are amazingly short. We do get to hear my favorite of Vince Guaraldi’s songs for the peanuts gang “Thanksgiving Theme” which you can buy at Amazon on the Charlie Brown’s Holiday Hits Album. You could probably download it as an MP3 or something. Say what you might about the Peanuts Specials, the music was always kickin’! It’s greatly because of Vince Guaraldi’s tunes being on these shows like I got into jazz in the first place. All the music in this show is excellent, even if other bits are lacking.
The nightmare corpse-city of R’lyeh was built in measureless aeons behind history by the vast, loathsome shapes that seeped down from the dark stars. There lay great Cthulhu and his hordes, hidden in green slimy vaults.
The show starts with Charlie and his sister Sally discussing Thanksgiving, and you’d think that this is the worst thing to ever happen to them. Sally complains that all the stores have things for Christmas, to which Charlie Brown exclaims “Christmas? Already?” leaving me to wonder what world he lives in. If it’s thanksgiving before you’re seeing the stores stuffed with green and red, then the stores have been remarkably patient with their decorations. Even in 1973 when this was made. Then Sally goes off about how she’s got nothing to be thankful for because the world is just unfair to her. Linus shows up to give his normal condescending attitude a walk around the block, but not before Charlie complains “We’ve got another holiday to worry about.” as if everything would be great if he could just get rid of those pesky holidays. Sally interjects her usual wisdom by shouting “I haven’t even finished my Halloween candy yet!” and now I know this show doesn’t take place on Earth. Linus says blah, blah, blah, tells a lie about thanksgiving and acts like his crap don’t stink.
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
After getting all that garbage out of the way, the plot finally kicks in! Peppermint Patty calls, explains her dad is out of town and invites herself over to have Thanksgiving. Chuck can’t get a word in to tell her that they won’t be home, so he expects her to arrive. A minute or so later he gets another call. It’s PP again telling him that now Marcy is coming, and then another call a moment later there’s another call saying that Franklin is coming over too. In a great stride for civil rights, Franklin is given exactly two lines in the whole production. I’m always bothered by this. Franklin is treated very badly in this cartoon. Why does the single black character have to be so maligned? Franklin gets no love.
I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Linus walks up, because… he works in the same house as Charlie Brown? I have no idea. Kids just walk on and off as needed in these specials and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I always have problems with the way people just show up at random in the cartoon. The other characters were occupying themselves in ways that would say to me that they weren’t the focus of the guests. That says to me that there was something intimate and private going on that they weren’t part of. If Linus was over, why was Charlie Brown watching TV by himself a moment ago? Was Linus getting it on with Sally (who came out to check on her brother a second ago) but came to see what was bothering his friend because Sally’s just a chick and thus less important? Did he… you know, finish before he left? He sure wasn’t worried about her orgasm, but did he get his? Is it maybe that despite the way the kids are drawn these are actually college kids and instead of houses these are dorms? That would explain everyone just showing up randomly because it’s dorm life. It would also explain Sally putting up with Linus not worrying about whether or not she came since she’s just now exploring her sexuality and is still crushing on him so hard that she’s just happy to have him. You people just watch shows, but I have to THINK about them. Seriously, you have no idea what it’s like living inside my head. It’s scary in here, and I don’t even have a teddy bear.
There is no such thing as joy, happiness does not exist.
So where was I before I suggested that Linus was banging Sally Brown but was totally unconcerned with her orgasms? Oh right, Linus was about to be annoyingly condescending again! Linus suggests that Charlie Brown have two meals, instead of calling Peppermint Patty back and lowering the boom on her or anything. Poor Charlie Brown admits that the only thing he can make is cold cereal and toast. You can see he’s in pain, he needs support. He needs love. What he gets is Linus telling him that he’s seen Chuck make toast and that he can’t butter it on his own. He says he can help and tells Snoopy to get the stuff together. When he turns away, Charlie gets a look of mingled hatred and resentment on his face that can’t be matched. As soon as Linus looks back at him, he’s back to smiling. Charlie Brown is too much of a looser to let the guy who’s putting it to his sister know that he’d kill him in his sleep for a nickel.
This is the look of sad, impotent rage.
Now, we reach an epic amount of padding. Snoopy is padding gold. All they had to do was write a few lines and let him go crazy. Nothing he does makes much sense, but that really doesn’t matter. He’s supposed to be getting a table and chairs out for the meal. I have no idea where the Peanuts gang is supposed to be located, but it sure as hell ain’t Michigan! You couldn’t have a thanksgiving meal outside in Michigan, they must be in the south somewhere. Snoopy gets the table out and it’s a ping pong table, so he plays with the table for a few seconds (after shooting some hoops) and gets scolded by Linus for messing around Linus says “We don’t have any time to play Snoopy!” and yet I can’t help but notice that Linus is no where to be seen when the work is being done. Snoopy is the only one doing anything at all. He has to get all these folding chairs out and set them up on his own, including a lawn chair that he can’t seem to manage and eventually gets into a peyote fueled kung fu match with. I’ve got to point out, while this is going on a great song called “Little Birdie” is played. It’s about Woodstock and Snoopy. After Snoopy gets the table all set up, Linus comes in and demands he cook the food for them too.
Where did they get to many toasters? Ebay!
Not only is the cooking scene padded all to hell, but it uses repetitive animation too! Some of the bits show three and four times. The exact same piece of animation over and over. Snoopy makes a grand meal, which has been covered in great articles on the internet! He sets the table, which has seating for 12 when he sets it. It also doesn’t have that lawn chair I mentioned him kung-fu fighting with. This will be important because clearly when they noticed Franklin had shown up, they changed the seating arrangements. More padding then happens with a costume trunk and Snoopy trying to get Woodstock to dress up like what pop culture would have us believe an American pilgrim looked like. It does nothing for the story because they’ll be dressed like this for a total of 65 seconds. Then you never see those costumes again.
OMIGOSH! Snoopy is going to whack Woodstock for talking to the feds!
When the guests arrive, they come to a table that has seating for 12, but strangely, when they actually get seated the only chair left for Franklin is the broken lawn chair. Not only that, but this poor guy who had one line ten minutes ago, is forced to sit alone on one side of the table. I think that this must have been in the old south, because they’ve clearly put poor Franklin in the Coloreds Section. Even Snoopy gets to sit in the Whites Only section, but poor Franklin sits alone. The racism is sickening, as is the continuity. Sometimes he’s in the broken chair, with no other chairs on his side of the table and sometimes he’s got better chairs on either side of him. However you view it, Franklin is a victim of some pretty disgusting racism here. No actually, I’m not joking. What the hell? Honestly, they couldn’t give the black kid more than one damn line? He couldn’t sit with the white kids? Are we supposed to feel grateful that he’s even allowed to be in the show or something? They’ll let him come over for dinner, but he has to sit in the worst chair and remain silent while there. He can only talk when at Peppermint Patty’s house. Maybe it’s not racism, maybe it’s some weird BDSM game that Peppermint Patty has going on. I would like to think that there is an innocent solution, but I doubt it.
Note that Franklin is also placed on the left while all the whites are to the right.
Linus gets on his high horse and rams a stupid prayer down everyone’s throat, just trying to prove he’s smarter than everyone else. He’s not of course, because he’s foolishly hanging on to the idea that a pack of English bigots were anything to be proud of. Besides, a lot of thanksgiving lore is nothing but bullshit. It’s probably all lies. Then Snoopy serves the meal. Toast, jelly beans, popcorn, pretzel sticks. PP of course looses it and shouts at Snoopy and Charlie Brown for not serving them a proper meal. Chuck leaves the table in disgrace, his head hung low and the thirty-eight in his pocket telling him how nice its barrel would feel in his mouth. Linus uses the opportunity to prove he knows about Miles Standish, no one is impressed. I hate Linus in the cartoons. Someone should run him over with a steamroller like that kid in Maximum Overdrive.
Charlie Brown is forever shamed.
Marcy doesn’t dig Patty’s treatment of Chuck and gives Patty a serious come to Jesus style verbal pwning. She grabs Patty’s stupid forelock and bashes her head into the table, screaming at her for hurting the guy she loves. I mean c’mon! Marcy is totally crushin’ on Chuckles. Marcy leaves the table to go tell Charlie Brown that it’s really okay and everyone loves him and takes away the gun so he can’t shoot himself or anyone else. He tells her it’s no big deal and reminds her how many sleeping pills he has upstairs. He doesn’t do it in words, but you can totally hear the words in his head. Marcy then calls Charlie Brown Charles as she leaves him, which sounds formal and post-coital to me. She then greets Patty as Priscilla and now I’m just confused. I mean not really, they can all be one big swinging family as far as I’m concerned I just never thought of Marcy as bisexual is all. So, for the mutual love of Marcy, Patty and Charlie Brown admit their feelings, have a quickie and prepare to go back to the group with their love stronger than ever. And as wacky as all that sounds, it’s 10 times better than what was on the screen.
You know what the funniest thing about Europe is? It’s the little differences. I mean they got the same stuff over there that they got here, but it’s just – it’s just there it’s a little different.
So Charlie Brown discovers that not only are they late, but by the shape of the clock they got some furnishings from Dr. Caligari’s yard sale. Charlie Brown goes to call his grandmother on a phone with a cord that comes out of the dial. He calls Grandma and tells her all about what happened. Grandma says they can all come to her place, at least that’s what eventually comes across. All we hear is a muted trumpet playing at him. They then sing over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go. This gets really bad because it shows that none of the kids recorded their parts together. As a result, after about three words, none of them are on beat and you can’t understand what anyone is saying. They’re supposed to be singing together, but they’re all over the place as far as the song goes. Then we get the joke that “My Grandmother lives in a condominium.” because that’s SOOOOO unexpected! Gosh, a grandmother living in a condo! I’ll bet she has a motorcycle too! No word about grandma being emotionally dead, going through a quart of scotch a day or despising the day when “the mistake, her husband and their spawn” show up.
Yeah, we’ve got the clock, someone else got the cabinet before we got there or we’d have a matched set.
The last bit is great though. First off, we hear the whole of the Thanksgiving theme, which is awesome. When the kids leave, Snoopy and Woodstock wave goodbye and go into his dog house. A bit of sound effects later and Woodstock brings out a table and Snoopy brings chairs. He then brings out a roast turkey that he’d been holding back from the kids. Snoop and Woodie eat like kings while they were prepared to serve the kids popcorn and toast. The wishbone is yanked from the bird and Woodstock gets the biggest part. As the credits roll, the two of them share one of the biggest pumpkin pies in history.
In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.
This DVD has one of those This Is America, Charlie Brown shows called The Mayflower Voyagers. I’m not going to review that, because it infuriates me. It’s too simplified and really works hard not to tell any of the little the inconvenient truths. While they are technically telling the truth, they aren’t giving you all the facts and they are totally slanting the story to be pro-pilgrims. It’s very annoying to watch because they really just paint the American Pilgrims (who were neither) as noble people who have misery heaped upon them, instead of complete and total bigoted jackasses that the gods were clearly trying to kill. You want to know the honest truth about what happened to the American Indians? I’ll tell you. The Gods were trying to kill those fucking puritans, the Indians got in the way and saved them, and the Gods turned their wrath on the bitches what ruined the plan.
Yeah, I know a lot of guys who try to fight with the furniture when they get drunk.
EDIT: I’ve posted this four times today, and once a couple of years ago. And yet, I keep forgetting to provide a link to the article about someone recreating Snoopy’s meal. I’d always meant to, but never did until now.
Top 40 Movies by odd connections (Part Three)
Here is Part one of this trip
Then Part Two
AND NOW… PART THREE!!!
This is known as a bad bungee experience
The Departed
The Departed is also full of them, you just have to work harder see it. One of them being the Scarface reference of and X showing up whenever someone is killed. There are a few others, but I’ll let you watch out for them yourself. That’s half the fun anyway. I prefer it when you happen to notice them, instead of having the movie elbow you in the side and as if you saw what they did there. The Departed of course being a movie filled people living double lives.
Does this pic scream “double life” to you? No? Me neither, but I couldn’t find anything else I liked.
Speaking of double lives…
Found between two former lovers, Godfrey gets a bit nervous.
My Man Godfrey
In My Man Godfrey, William Powell leads a double life, but I won’t say how. This is probably my favorite screwball comedy I would have placed it higher on the list if not for the need to connect things. If I knew flash, I would just make this a 3D cloud with lines connecting the movies and then make the names bigger or smaller depending on where they sat in the ranking. But I don’t, so I can’t, so I won’t. Anyway, about Godfrey. He’s found in a shantytown placed in a junk yard, where no man has business actually living. We keep going back there to see other men living in a place where a man shouldn’t live.
At least they get new building material delivered on site.
There are other movies of people staying where they shouldn’t…
Dawn of the Dead
Another place where people shouldn’t have to live is in a shopping mall’s upper story like they do in Dawn of the Dead. There is a lot going on in Dawn, a lot of commentary and satire that I found missing from the remake. This version isn’t perfect, but the remake was a hollow shell of stereotypes by comparison. I really, really hated the remake. It was dull and annoying. However, THIS version is probably the best of the Dead series, so that’s something. The point is that instead of running off in a bus that was fitted to be a tank-bus (Really? Honestly?) the remaining heroes in this proper horror movie escape by chopper. Escaping by helicopter is very much the point here.
Again with the improper use of equipment.
Just like…
Quit singing “Suicide is Painless” Bob. It’s just not funny.
Platoon
Where Charlie Sheen’s character gets away via chopper at the end of the movie. There is a certain horror element to this movie as well, but the shuddering shambling wrecks in this film are still actually men instead of zombies. I wonder if this movie counts as a “no women” film because while there are women that have lines, none of them are in English to my recollection. While things are bad for women in film, there are only a handful of movies that completely leave women out all together. I think this is one if you count non-English that isn’t translated as not speaking. Charlie Sheen’s character also writes endless letters to his grandmother, giving himself a narration to fill the dark spots of the story. The narration serves as a journal for the listening.
Dear Mom & Dad, camp is a little strange…
Where else do we find journal entries?
Oh I’d totally leave a kid with these guys, wouldn’t you?
Kikujiro
In Kikujiro, there is a frame of a photo diary. Masao, shows us what he did on his vacation, but since he lives with his grandmother, it’s very likely he’s showing it to her. The movie is a bit episodic, but it’s not one of those films that you could re-edit into any order. The two main characters slowly grow closer together as we go along until the end. This is a little but of a strange movie, but it works for me and I’m delighted to pair it with the former choice. In the first section of the movie, the two travelers go gambling, betting on bike races.
My money’s on the one in blue. I like the color blue. Favorite color.
Gabling as a story device? Who knew you could do such a thing in a movie?
Keep your eye on the ball gentlemen, eye on the ball. Yes, the one you can’t see under the cup.
Fearless Hyena
Gambling gets Jackie Chan’s character into some problems in Fearless Hyena. That ultimately leads to the plot of him being a teacher who takes on all challengers, which then leads to the actual plot of revenge and emotional kung-fu. It’s the being a teacher that gets the attention of the bad guys, which leads to them killing his grandfather, which leads to the delicious revenge, which is cold… like gazpacho soup!
“My back is killing me.” HA! It’s funny cause he archs his back then dies. Get it? Ah, what’d you know about comedy?
Vengeance could take us anywhere, but let’s go to the most obvious place, kay?
Life altering tragedy in 3, 2, 1…
Batman
Batman of course also needs to avenge his dead parents. At least that’s his story. Let’s face it, Batman is a nut and was looking for an excuse. He’s just the ultimate emo basement dweller wearing eyeliner and putting his cutting record on LJ for all the other emo kids to read. And he wears a mask, because you gotta wear a mask to hide your identity and your fear man. Crap this guys is emo! I bet in later movies the daddy issues get really out of hand, he makes his voice all gravely, they action becomes unwatchable and a new highly over-rated Joker stuffs his girlfriend in a refrigerator. Anyway, Masks!
Oh hell, I don’t know. Fill in your own caption, I’ve been looking at this shot for ten minutes and can’t come up with anything.
Where else do we have masks?
He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?
The Promise
There is a mask that hides identity in The Promise as well. Actually, it does more than that. The wacky misunderstanding of who exactly is behind the mask is a great deal of what drives the movie’s plot. I say plot, but really it’s a lot of scenes stitched together. It’s a fairly funny film, but it doesn’t really work. There is a lot of mythology mixed up in the story. The story is set in motion by characters from mythology showing up and being all wacky at the people. It’s quite and interesting movie, shame it’s really only useable as MST3K material.
Gonna be honest with you kid. I’m higher than you are right now, and you’re seeing me. So consider how fucked up I am at this moment.
Mythology gets you into trouble if you don’t respect it.
I did warn you about crossing the streams.
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Mythology comes and bites the disrespectful in the butt in Raiders of the Lost Ark as well. The Nazis got quite messed up at the end of that movie. Now, I could go almost anywhere from here, since Raiders has it all. Again, if I were doing a flat out numerical list, this wouldn’t be here. Raiders would be number two and we’d be talking about whips and dragging behind trucks and shooting the guy with the sword and all of that. However, we’re doing this by connection, so we go from the number two movie on my list to the number five entry. And of course, Indy ends up with nothing.
In the Maytag warehouse, that repair guy hides away one of the Maytags that didn’t work. The secret must be kept!
Who else ends up with nothing?
He gives them all the gold so they can get away.
Yojimbo
The samurai in Yojimbo of course, who ends up with nothing and walks away from the whole situation. This is a really hard movie to parse in traditional terms. There is something really wonderful about the guy who does right just to do it, but at the same time being totally out of patience with the whole world. He doesn’t seem to like anyone, he seems to be all about the money, and yet he walks away with nothing but the knowledge of having taken the town out and the feeling of a job well done. Yeah, he walks the whole time. That’ll be important next week.
Walking away, and being more badass than any 20 characters played by Bruce, Clint, Arnold or Sly.
More walking next week. Stay Tuned.
Cartoon Review: Garfield’s Thanksgiving
Garfield’s Thanksgiving (1989 Dir. Phil Roman)
Even Garfield can’t believe he’s in this stupid special.
You know what I’ve discovered recently, I hate Garfield. It’s really sad when the best part of your cartoon is that Lou Rawls sings the song over your credit sequence. It’s doubly sad because I always sort of saw that as an attempt to copy the Peanuts Specials with their use of Vince Guaraldi’s jazz music. Of course since Garfield was a cynical and calculated attempt to cash in on what had gone before, it pretty much measures up. I hate to be really nasty, but it is true that Garfield hasn’t been funny in 20 years and these specials pinpoint that fact. There is a joke in here that shows up in all three of the specials on this DVD, pretty much at the same time in each one too. It’s pretty sad to see how little effort went into each of these cartoons.
I kind of hope he’s signed up for the Big Sleep.
We start with Garfield waking up Jon by playing marching music through a boom box. See, Garfield wants breakfast and not just breakfast but a huge breakfast. See, that’s funny because big G is fat and he’s fat because he eats too much. That’s funny because… well it isn’t funny actually. Another thing not funny “About those pancakes? Next time a little less pan a little more cake.” What the hell does that even mean? Are we to understand that Jon, in a desperate attempt to free himself, decided to scrape up some of the Teflon coating from the pan to poison Garfield? Are we to also understand that Big G not only knows, but laughs at Jon’s try at murder because he can’t be killed? What is going on here?
Hey kids, I’ll haunt your dreams. You’ll never be free of me. Give in to madness now! Only in insanity will you find refuge.
Anyway, lets gat back to the story. Garfield notices that the calendar, which strangely has the day but not the date or month on it, says that Jon is to take Garfield to the vet. We are then treated to a not very funny mental run through about why the vet is bad because she prescribes what’s good for him, which he believes to be bad. Only bad things are good, all good is bad, Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia. Garfield is so comically afraid of the vet that he decides to remove Wednesday from the running and make it be Thursday. He yanks the day off the calendar and rams the day down Odie’s throat. Poor Odie seems to almost choke on the hate leveled upon him.
Now none of those pesky orphans or widows will have ANY food.
This leads Big G to see that Thursday is Thanksgiving Day. He then explains the Garfield view of thanksgiving. “That’s the day people celebrate having food by eating as much of it as possible.” As this was aired November 23rd 1989, the 80s and their excesses weren’t quite over yet. Song likes like “The more you eat, the more grateful you will feel” weren’t quite embarrassing yet, but it was near. The special almost never got played after this one year because everyone was kind of embarrassed by Garfield in the 90s. It’s also never shown outside the US and Canada, not because we’re afraid of shoving our holidays down the throats of other cultures, but because we feared the backlash that might occur if we showed that this is how Americans treat this holiday. So disastrous was this cartoon, that they never made another Garfield Holiday cartoon again! In fact there were only two other attempts to do Big G on TV at all after this. Anyway, Garfield tries to convince Odie that eating a lot on Thanksgiving is a tradition and then asks us to remember how he loves tradition. The problem is if you saw the Christmas episode the year before you would note he hates tradition. Not only is he not funny, now he’s teaching children to lie.
They are smug in their evil.
Garfield gets so excited he runs to Jon and shows him the calendar, hoping Jon will remember to get lots of good things to eat. Jon actually says that they had better go to the grocery store to get lots of good things to eat. Who the hell talks like this? Even in a cartoon? Lots of good things to eat? Could you make that a little more vague? Maybe, lots of things that you can get at the grocery store? Why say it like that? Not “I’ve got some things to pick up.” Or “I’ve got to go get the turkey.” Or “I’m a useless pimple on the face of humanity I’d better blow out the pilot lights, turn the stove and oven all the way up and light a match.” No! None of that, lots of good things to eat. And then the opening credits start. Yeah, we’re only 3 minutes into this show so far. I should probably pick up the pace. It’s hard when they give you so many things to complain about though in such a short space of time.
Man found dead with can of pie filling stuffed up his nether regions!
So anyway the credits end and Jon has bought more food than I’ve ever seen anyone else buy like ever. I drive a Mini Cooper and my car has never been as stuffed as his car is in this cartoon. He also took his cat to the grocery store, which had to violate some health codes. Big G babbles about all the wonderful things there are to eat, putting an ingredient to Jon when he mentions it, despite Jon trying to drive. Instead of taking his cat to the vet to be put down for being such a pain, he takes the cat to the vet for a check up, and to check out Liz the hot vet he likes.
Secretly, she delighted in their dual tortures.
Liz Wilson, the long suffering veterinarian has to try and give a cat an examination while this idiot sexually harasses her. He begs for a date, acts like a moron, and then holds his breath until she agrees to go out with him. She leaves him to hold his breath and tells him about how Garfield needs to go on a diet. This brings in a lot of not funny comedy, all while Jon is turning red. When Jon finally collapses Liz inexplicably agrees to go out with him, instead of calling for security or something, which is only encouraging negative behavior. Jon then announces that it’s wonderful and he’ll serve her Thanksgiving dinner for them. Does Liz have no family? No friends? Not even a co-worker who takes pity on her and invites her over? She has to go to stalker-boy’s for thanksgiving dinner? I ask again, what the flipping hell?
Told you not to eat that hot pepper.
Now we get a lot of not funny “comedy” about Garfield having to be on a diet. Things like him only getting half a leaf of lettuce and things. After that, the filler starts. Odie has a whistle to tell when Big G is going off his diet. This isn’t funny, but it kills time. He weighs himself on a talking scale, who mistakes him for Orson Wells. Then there is this truly messed up bit. Garfield decides to get some cookies, so he walks to the cookie jar to get some cookies. But Odie is in there with his whistle. There isn’t enough room for him in that jar, but his head pops out and he blows the whistle. So Big G goes for… flour? He decides to just eat flour? Odie is in there too. Then he proves to be in the salt and sugar jars as well. Where did the salt go? Did Odie just cut out holes in the table to mess with Big G? And why after blowing, when Garfield isn’t trying to get anything does he then pop up blowing the whistle? It makes no damn sense. Nothing in this show is making sense. It’s like the cartoonist are challenging me!
If my weight goes down, that means I’m not depriving the poor of enough food.
They don’t even have an agenda. They’re just daring me to watch the whole thing. They have such contempt for their evil masters and the viewing public that they’ve decided to turn in a product that is unwatchable. They’re sneering at us and laughing as they sit in their unlighted cages, unable to see the sun or ever know the love of another human being. These are horribly twisted up people, the monsters that made this.
Clearly his smack is kicking in. Also, where are his legs?
Anyway, after a commercial break we come to the morning of Thanksgiving day. Big G is cranky, Jon is creaming his shorts. We learn that Jon is not only a jerk, but he’s a frickin’ incompetent cook too. I can stand many things. A person who doesn’t know you’re supposed to thaw out the damn turkey is just not to be borne. He rubs butter all over his arms when it says “rub skin with butter” because he’s just that dumb. He stuffs the frozen bird into the oven and turns up the oven to the top. He puts all the vegetables into one pot, not sliced or anything, into a pot and pours water over them. This is supposed to be funny I think, but all I can think of is my wish to get a dimension jumping device so I can go to where ever this place is and shoot Jon in the back of the head, execution style. Even cartoon food deserves better than this. So then Big G decides to cover the veggies in garlic powder, which I think is supposed to display evil on his part. The problem is that at this point it might actually help the situation rather than hurt it. That bit doesn’t even go anywhere. The next time we see the kitchen that is completely forgotten. This cartoon is the most hateful thing ever done in the name of Thanksgiving.
It is through will alone that I set my mind in motion.
We then get Jon changing into a dozen different outfits, including a gorilla costume. The whole show is like this, just sight gag after sight gag in a row. This thing was padded to within an inch of its life. I can only imagine that the script was only about four pages long. He then forgets to wear his pants and we see him with sock suspenders. SOCK SUSPENDERS? IN 1989? NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!! I do not accept this! Anyway, he goes and answers the door in his undies, and then runs back to put on pants. It’s humiliating just to watch, it’s too much. Jon goes and checks the food in the kitchen, and during that we learn just how incompetent Liz is. She decides to explain to Big G all the problems a person has when they crash diet. Each symptom she mentions is instantly displayed by Big G in order to get her to think he should be allowed to ditch the diet. Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to accept that when you tell someone who doesn’t want to have the treatment you prescribe the side affects and the watch them have them all as you describe each, to then accept that! To believe that he’s having all these symptoms at once, she must be an idiot. Maybe that’s why no one wants her over. I can accept her talking to the cat, most people talk to pets.
He honestly thought this was the best way to tell Liz how he feels about her.
Anyway, she nixes the diet and Big G remembers what a pig’s ear Jon has made of the meal. They then decide to call Jon’s Grandmother, which takes some difficulty because they needed to pad out the episode. So they get grandma over, who rides a motorcycle like all grandmothers in TV do. It’s supposed to be shocking and strange, but we’ve seen it so many times its cliché and hateful now. While grandma comes to save the day, Jon recites the encyclopedia entry on Thanksgiving for Liz. See, he never tells her that Grandma is cooking, so he has to pretend that he’s doing it all. See, lying is okay if you’re doing it to a good looking vet is seems. He doesn’t suffer any evils for this deception, he’s allowed to win. No morality in this story, just evil heaped upon evil. I’m pretty sure after the show is over Jon and his pets follow Liz home and sacrifice her to Satan or something.
Jon has been lapse in his evil. Big G saw him not kick a puppy the other day.
When they show the dinner table laden with food, Big G turns to the camera and says “Nice Touch” which he says in every show at about the 20 minute mark. Every! Single! Time! I hate this cat. So they have the meal, choking on their bitter resentment of each other and the knowledge that they are all hateful monsters. A bit of useless music is sung, and the food turns to ashes on their tongues. Liz leaves after dinner fortunate not to have been killed for nearly discovering Jon’s house of cards that would be quick to collapse if examined.
Oh look, an old woman who rides a motor cycle! I’ve never seen that on TV before. Mostly because I only heard about TV 15 minutes ago.
The end of the show is so hateful that I can’t even bear to talk about it. No evils are punished, the republicans were in power when this was made and that probably says everything you need to know. At the next election, Clinton won. I can only think that the country needed a change after this despicable attack on our most beloved of all holidays.
There is no hope, you will all be eaten.
Even Camo Ninja couldn’t save us now
Camo Ninja, trying like hell to help cheer you up.
Thanksgiving Shows: Part Two
Today we have The Jack Benny Show from th 23rd of November 1947. Actually it’s the Lucky Strike Program, but why give a cigarette company any more advertising?
This is the pre-holiday show, leading into Thanksgiving. Only about half the show is dedicated to the obtainment of a Thanksgiving Turkey. This is pretty basic for a Jack Benny episode, it’s amusing enough though.
Top 40 Movies by odd connections (Part Two)
So where were we? Oh yes, I remember now. Luke Skywalker just had his hand sliced off at the wrist. Now, I could pretty much mention any other Star Wars movie at this point, because Lucas has a hand amputation fetish, but that’s not how I roll. Let’s see where I go from a cut off hand.
That man is serious about getting rid of hangnails.
Evil Dead 2
I think it leads quite naturally into Evil Dead II, in which Ash looses his hand. Well, looses isn’t quite the right word, he takes a chainsaw and cuts it off himself. Granted, his hand had turned totally evil, but still. You’ve got to be pretty badass to take your own hand off at the wrist with a power tool. Right hand too, you might notice. Both the Evil Dead movies have a lot of talking to the dead, which is convenient for my next choice.
Don’t take it so hard, later we can be in a nice Spider-Man movie.
The dead talk in a lot of movies.
I shouldn’t have had that last one.
Rashōmon
In Rashōmon, the murdered man gives testimony through a medium leading to someone else talking to the dead. Yeah, didn’t see that one coming did you? Well, maybe if you’ve seen the movie recently. That part never fit with me, because of the supernatural angle, so I remember it really well. Of course Rashōmon is famous for being different versions of a single story told from multiple view points, and the tale itself is being told to someone so may have yet another view.
Um… pass! I know it seems lazy, but sometimes I honestly can’t come up with anything.
What other movies can we think of with multiple versions of the same story?
And when you really need it the most, that’s when Rock N’ Roll dreams coem true… for you!
Hero
The highly colorful Hero also contains different versions of the same story, but in a slightly different way. In this it’s just two guys telling each other how the events happened instead of several people giving evidence. Instead of never really saying how it all went down, we get closer to the truth as the movie unfolds. Of course, Hero is also contains a great deal of people fighting while flying. I wasn’t too into flying people before this movie, it always seemed a bit silly, but I liked it in this. It really was this and not Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon that did it for me.
I be done seen about everything, when I see a kung-fu artist fly.
Continuing on the “thing that has no business flying” theme…
And you thought seagulls were bad.
Dumbo
We’ve got Dumbo. Hey, Dumbo! You remember Dumbo? Of course what else is the chief point of Dumbo? Right, getting drunk. It’s when Dumbo and the mouse get drunk that they have the Pink Elephants. Boozing it up in a Disney movie! Don’t get that these days do we? Oh no! Health and safety would have kittens over that. However, this isn’t the only Disney movie with a main character boozing it up.
So… is it okay to get kids drunk now? Mixed signals guys!
Let’s see how we get there.
Again with the hooch!
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Drinking could have taken us anywhere, but I choose to take us to Eddie Valiant’s drinking problem. I did this, because Who Framed Roger Rabbit contains an important link to our next movie. Also, I like the idea of Disney movies that have lots of drinking. If I could find a Disney movie with felching, you can bet that I’d use it. Probably not going to find that though. Even if I did, how would I draw back to mainstream films? About the only thing you could really do after that is claim that the Muppet Movie is all about fisting really. ANYWAY! You might remember that the opening of the movie has a story within the story.
Look, I’m trying to symbolize the inherent nature of man here.
It’s all a story with in a story, wrapped in an enigma, covered in dark velvety chocolate…
The Grand Ole Opry just ain’t what it used to be.
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Much like Baron Munchausen’s story is told on the stage, set within the confines of the movie. The Baron begins telling his story on stage, but then the tale seems to end, but it doesn’t really. The lines of where the story ends and the adventure begins is really blurred in a wonderful way. In that film, young Sally has a problem with her Father not being there for her, going so far as to say “And Son” instead of “And Daughter.”
See dads? A little bit of paste can make up for years of neglect.
Fathers and daughters have lots of problems though, as we’ll see…
It says here that pink high tops are still in fashion.
SPL: Sha Po Lang
While it was sold as Killzone in America, the movie SPL also has father’s having problems with their daughters. The end of the movie actually takes place around Father’s Day, which is a big part of the movie. Dads, sons, daughters, it all comes together here in a way that might confound some, delight others, and make fight junkies wonder where the next fight is. Don’t get too impatient, I’m getting to that. There is a great fight, an awesome fight, a fight so cool it ends with the bad guy being disemboweled with his own knife. That’s pretty hard-core right there, cutting a guy’s guts out.
GUTS! I know the screen cap isn’t perfect, so I decided to tell you.
Yeah, I’ve got another guts movie.
MORE GUTS! Same joke, different cap.
Rambo
Another film in which the bad guy gets his guts cut out by the end is Rambo, which I’ve reviewed before. That would be the fourth Rambo movie by the way. I’m not going to go into the various complaints about sequel names, just understand which one I’m talking about. In that movie, some religious missionaries basically caused all of Rambo’s problems for him. They don’t listen, they go places they’re not wanted.
The girl is cute though.
Religious people just cause problems for everyone.
Here we come a wassailing along the leaf so green.
Kingdom of Heaven
Case in point. In Kingdom of Heaven, it’s religious fanatics cause all the problems for everyone. Really, religion is just a big headache as far as movies go. Pretty much, unless you’re watching something on one of those religious channels that only grandmothers ever watch, religion is going to be problematic. Best to stay away from it. However, you should get this movie, but only in the Director’s Cut format. This is one of the few times that a director’s cut is worth your time. Mostly it’s just a lot of self-indulgence, but here it actually works. There is also a scene in which Saladin give the captured Guy a chalice of ice, which is a lovely frozen treat.
Should I make an “Ice, Ice Baby” joke? Y/N?
Frozen Treats?
You ever notice how there is no way to eat ice cream and look dignified?
Hot Fuzz
Speaking of Frozen Treats, cornetto in this case, let’s talk about Hot Fuzz. That movie is a veritable roller coaster of references. Among all the comedy and mystery and murders there is a fairly constant stream of winking references, which are how I like them. I won’t even scratch that surface, since it would take too long and would bore you quickly if you weren’t watching. Just trust me, reference city, this movie is.
Pic unrelated
OKAY! Next week we’ll pick up from where we left off today with the references.
Thought
If I got one of these and one of these, I could strap them to my back and be a Yuletide Ninja! Or I could get this and this and be the same, but on a budget and a little more personal.
The point is, red and green weapons that I could use to stab bitches who play fucking Sleigh Ride on November the 7th.
The big black hatchet I used was effective, but far from making that festive point.
The point being,
Save it for after Thanksgiving or I’ll split your head open.
Actually, don’t play Sleigh Ride at all because I hate that song.
Thanksgiving Shows: Part One
Re-reading Mel Blanc’s autobiography reminded me about his radio show. all of which you can download here if you like. There was only one year of the show because it’s very cookie cutter and the characters could be ordered by number. You’ve got girlfriend #7 (exasperated, but loving), sidekick #3 (screwy and stuttering), villain #4 (the gf’s disapproving father) and so on. Still it’s good enough to listen to once in a while.
What I’ve got here (obviously) is the Thanksgiving episode and like most the golden age episodes I’ve got it involves the main character failing at turkey. Listening to these shows, you’d get the idea that the baby Jesus would be sacrificed in the manger and his blood sprayed in the faces of pagan homosexuals if every person in the nation didn’t have a turkey for Thanksgiving. Seriously, it’s like the writers were from Mars and wanted to pretend like they knew things about America and were faking it as hard as they could and they only thing they’d been told about Thanksgiving was turkey.
This episode is a lot like the others in the show. Mel screws something up, wackiness ensues, it all comes out alright in the last three minutes, then there’s a commercial for Colgate Tooth Powder where they tell you that your breath is just plain nasty unless you brush.
Still, all that being said, the show isn’t bad. It’s pretty entertaining, just sort of… well… just set your expectations low is all I’m saying. Mel behaves quite nobly in this episode, giving away his turkey and serving his guests a large salami loaf instead. People get annoyed with him, but he doesn’t want to tell anyone that he gave the turkey away to an orphans’ home. When the guests are within ten seconds of killing Mel and stuffing him with sage and onions, an orphan shows up to tell him how much they appreciate the turkey. Trust me, I didn’t spoil anything, you can see the end coming a mile off. It’s that sort of show.
Top 40 Movies by odd connections (Part One)
Here we are, November. Here we are a list of 40 movies. Let’s have a look at them shall we?
Part One
Pirates, bandits, whatever.
Project A
In Project A, Jackie Chan and friends battle bandits and pirates in turn of the century Hong Kong. This movie was one of the first (Winners and Sinners was the first Lucky Stars Movie, but this is a Jackie production and only has the three brothers.) movie where Jackie, Samo Hung and Yuen Biao all played together. Yuen and Jackie have a rivalry at the beginning, but it sorts itself out by the end. While this isn’t the first of Jackie’s big movies, this is really the beginning of his superstar period where he did almost no wrong for better than ten years. There was a sequel a few years later, but it’s a Jackie only production. This was One of the best moments from this movie is a scene in which Jackie’s Character, Dragon, fights the bad guys down narrow alleys on a bike before making his escape on said bicycle.
This is not proper use of equipment.
Our first connective theme is “Bikes”
Still sort of improper use of equipment.
Downfall
In Downfall, Traudl Junge and the kid (I forget his name) escape the madness of Nazi Germany, riding a bike before the movie fades to black. I remember there being some controversy when this movie came out, because some people claimed it made Hitler too human or something. I will agree, it made him human, but if the idea that he was a human being and not a monster from the planet Zargo is too much for you, then grow up! Yeah, the movie made him look like a human, but it made him look like a human douche. He’s such a cockbite I can’t imagine anyone actually following him. It’s like watching your best friend date a psycho and as the relationship is drawing to a close, and he really wants to leave her, he still won’t because he’s sucked into her web. You know it’s going to end with her killing him one day and then killing herself. The murder suicide of this movie isn’t Adolph and Eva, it’s the Nazi Party and Germany. Seriously Europe, you’ve gotta stop dating psychos. Another point about this movie is how no one can smoke in the bunker while Hitler is alive. As a result, people have to smoke outside the bunker and light up inside only after he’s killed himself.
You know they’re evil because they smoke!
Anyway, the smoking ban leads us to the next entry.
What? I’m just trying to have a ciggie!
Ronin
Another movie with a guy who has problems with smokers would be Ronin. Sam, played by Robert DeNiro, always stops people from smoking. This movie is one of the last great old school action movies. Its main plot point is just a big old metal case full of McGuffin, and our heroes need to steal it. Then, having it stolen from them, they need to steal it back again. There are a few good action sequences, but the main reason you’d be here is the car chases, which really are something. I don’t think you’ll get a car chase as good as that in the middle of Paris again. They really use the landscape in a way few chases do.
Fast car goes fast.
Car chases factor into our next movie as well.
Rocking it in a taxi!
The Bourne Supremacy
Did I say you’d never get a car chase as good as that again? Something that comes close is the final chase scene in the Bourne Supremacy. The Moscow Chase is probably one of my all time favorite car chases. It works differently than the chases in Ronin do, being more visceral and quick moving. At the end of course, we learn that the reason he went to Russia was to apologize to the daughter of a man and woman he killed years ago. The movie goes from an action piece to an emotional portrayal of a hitman trying to make things right.
There has to be a joke here. Think damnit THINK!
Much like our next film…
Dry, flaky skin?
The Killer
Chow Yun Fat’s character fires a gun near her eyes and that strikes Sally Yeh’s character blind and does his best to make up for the fact in the rest of the movie. I know, I know, guns and action and stuff like that is a big part of the movie, but can’t we concentrate on something else for a change? I mean the whole guns and brotherhood thing has been examined I think. Can’t I talk about something not homoerotic? Just once, just so I can get through this list a little more easily? I don’t want to have to write reviews or anything, just to justify how things are connected. Okay? SO! Sally Yeh’s character coincidently is a singer. John Woo wanted a jazz singer, but the studio demanded a more traditional song instead.
I’m not really singing this song, they’re just piping in the music.
Music and singers puts us into the next movie…
He’s not really singing either.
Night at the Opera
There are lots of singers at an opera. See? Connected! WOOO! Of course our heroes try to help a female singer and a male singer as well. Now, because it’s a Marx Bros. movie, our heroes aren’t the established type, they’re your typical outsiders, which is what you need in a story like this. In fact, most of the movie is dependant on them being outsiders, and building sympathy from the audience because of their status. They rely on madcap adventure to win the day here instead of machine guns or laser beams.
If only I’d come up with a perfect scheme instead of playing Monkey Island all day.
Outsiders are a common theme in many movies, such as…
I can see the music!
Gandahar
Another example of outside help is the deformed mutants in Gandahar, who in the end are the only ones who can help. There is a lot here about governments casting off and hiding their mistakes, trying to pretend they didn’t happen. That behavior tends to bite you in the butt, and I’ve read that there was more than a little bit about how the French government treated some things and how it bit them in the butt. Yeah, the movie is French. You can watch the American English version if you want, but the proper version is in French.
Sometimes, you don’t need a caption for it to be funny.
It’s very, totally French.
FRENCH!
The French Connection
HEY! There’s French people in this movie! WHAT? I said these connections might be vague and tenuous. The movie is about French people, being all French and stuff. Some of the movie even takes place in France, how much more French can you get? Around all the Frenchness there is also a subplot about drugs.
The good old days, when drug dealers enjoyed brandy over business.
Drugs! Yeah! Connections!
Uh huh, yeah, okay, gimme the drug, yep, uh-huh, I’m listening to every word you say.
Goodfellas
Of course dugs play a large part in our next film, Goodfellas. The end of Goodfellas is one long stream, very much like the sort of feelings one has while perpetually stoned. Can you tell I’m trying really hard to talk about these movies? Not feeling very creative really, most my energy was taken up by forming the list. What’s not quite so well remembered is a little scene where they all got to Tommy’s mother’s house and have a meal with her.
Such a nice home cooked meal.
The sort of ancient person giving young folk a home cooked meal comes in at our next movie…
Not such a nice home cooked meal.
The Empire Strikes Back
Where an impatient Luke and an old Yoda share a meal before the training begins. Remember? In his hut thing? Yeah. I knew you’d remember. Of course we can hardly mention Empire without mentioning the hacked off hand. Oh yeah, spoiler, Luke looses his hand just before Vader give him the big “Whose your daddy?” speech. Did I spoil the movie? If I did, go punch yourself in the crotch. Seriously, what planet are you from? How did you even get on the internet?
A break away hand. CLEVER!
More about hands being removed next week…
Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel!
