VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #6
The Avengers: Too Many Christmas Trees
The Avengers: Too Many Christmas Trees
This episode from the Emma Peel years is unusual as it’s a Christmas episode that seems to have taken part within the regular season. It originally aired on the 23rd of December in 1965 and like the Chef! special from earlier, it’s more a regular episode that happens to take place at Christmastime than it is a Christmas episode. Like many another such episodes it was also shot in late February. You always make sure anything for Christmas viewing is ready well in advance. It’s said to be one of Patrick Macnee’s favorite episodes and it’s one of my favorites too.
It’s like you expect Burl Ives to come around the corner and start cussing you out at any moment.
The story itself is fairly basic for an Avengers plot. I can only really assert anything like basic or average with someone who actually knows what The Avengers is like though. If you’re not up on The Avengers, you might not recognize how average this story line is. While they had good stories, I’m not sure that the writing is what kept people coming back to Mrs. Peel and Steed week after week. This isn’t to say that the writing is bad in any way, but the show does have a certain pattern to it. If you didn’t like the show you might boil the whole thing down to “Ooo, something spooky happens to Steed and he and Mrs. Peel just happen to go to the one place where they can solve it almost by accident.” Now while that’s accurate, it is a bit like claiming Hamlet is predictable because you’re told who the murderer is in the first act. True, but it sort of misses the point.
And they spelled his name right too.
The Avengers is about 40% parody by which I mean to say each show is made up of about 40% parody elements. This isn’t to say that it’s overly silly or campy in anyway, because camp was always deliberately stupid and even 40 years on The Avengers is extremely smart. In many ways it’s still far ahead of it’s time even if some of the shows elements clunk with age a bit here and there. Enough of me lauding the show with praise, let’s get to the episode itself shall we?
The man himself.
The main mystery here surrounds a series of Christmas themed dreams Steed has been having. He sees himself walking around in fields of cut out Christmas trees then coming upon a big basket of presents, discovering a picture of himself that turns into a mirror and then has Father Christmas laughing at him. In the dream where the episode starts, we get an extra bonus of having a colleague of his turn up dead. The dead colleague though, turns out to be one of the first parts of the dream that becomes prophetic. Elements from the dreams keep popping up through out the episode in such a suspicious way that one might think someone was behind the dreams.
You should always avoid spooky reverse silhouette Victorian mansions.
In fact, someone is behind these dreams of Steed’s, and they were behind the dreams of other men as well. The reasons as to why they’re doing this aren’t exactly clear, beyond some kind of experiment. Through what at the time seems to be chance, Mrs. Peel invites Steed to a Christmas party at the house of an expert on Charles Dickens. Of course they are lead right to the house where the people who are messing with Steed head are ensconced. That is what it’s like on The Avengers though, the show always has them bumping into trouble.
It said Happy Christmas before, I think they’re deliberately trying to confuse us.
The work is advanced when a stronger psychic shows up to mess with Steed’s head. Before they can get started on that Mr. Peel begins to worry that Steed is loosing it. This feeling is expanded by a visiting psychiatrist explaining that Steed might be going potty. That is when they start getting the master mind reader to get into Steed’s head. Under the guise of a party game, they work their way into Steed’s mind and mess with him even more.
That’s just wrong.
The problem with trying to explain an Avengers episode is that most the show is about atmosphere and the banter between characters. It’s fun to watch because of what goes on more so than what the episode is actually about. As a result, the show doesn’t translate well into the written word since so much of it is about the actors and the way it’s produced. This isn’t important to the story though.
Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
So after watching the group mess with Steed for a while, one of the members gets worried and tells Mrs. Peel that he’ll tell her all about it in a little while if he’ll meet her in another room. Now, the show is in black and white, but I know a red shirt when I see one. Sure enough, three minutes later he’s dead as a doornail and hidden under a lot of fake looking cobwebs. Sadly when Mrs. Peel goes to tell Steed he’s freaking out and babbling about his Christmas stocking. This puts both her and the mind control group off her stride and when she goes to the psychiatrist for help he ends up turning a gun on her. He does this because she was about to warn Steed that the drink he’s given is drugged.
The woman herself.
Well, it turns out the shrink is on the good guys side, Steed didn’t drink the drink, and they got into Mrs. Peel’s head in order to get her to bring Steed. Steed knew almost everything but couldn’t risk telling Mrs. Peel for the fear that she might unwittingly give the game away. Once we know everything, it’s just a fairly simple action scene. Steed gets bumped on the head and Mrs. Peel “pwnz” all the bad guys as the young kids say. This is possibly the best thing about The Avengers, at least in those years. Mrs. Peel saves Steed as often as he saves her.
You know the show if filled with images like this.
I won’t give the whole thing away, because you should really watch this one for yourself. This came as part of the Mrs. Peel Mega set about seven or eight years ago. It’s been re-released though with even more stuff than it had before and even in those slim pack dvd cases that take up half as much room on your shelf. I wouldn’t suggest getting the whole set for one episode, but I would recommend getting it and watching the whole thing over a long weekend off in winter.
Happy ending? Think again, its The Avengers. Despite what some idiots who made that movie might think, Mrs. Peel and Steed DON’T KISS!
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #5
From I-Mockery
Seven Christmas Specials You’ll Never See
AND!
Preparing For Santa!
From X-Entertainment
The Pac-Man Christmas Special
AND!
Waxing About Christmas Wish Books: 1985 Edition
From The Nostalgia Critic
We have the Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials
A Story!
Son of Santa
A Song
Ding Dong! Merrily on High
And pictures!
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #4
Chef! A Bird in the Hand
Chef! “A Bird in the Hand“
Episode Title screen. Yeah, no jokes there… sorry.
If you’ve never seen this British sitcom from the mid 90s then you’ve missed out on some really fun TV. It also means I have to recap the show for you, in as few words as possible so I don’t distract from this special from 1993. Quickly put, the show is mainly about Gareth Blackstock, the head chef at a restaurant named Le Château Anglais. He’s arrogant, nasty, egotistical and in all ways a classic British comedy anti-hero. If this show wasn’t about him, he would be the villain. One of the things I like best about this show is that it’s not really a normal sitcom. They don’t spend all their time being self-centered and getting into situations that are cringe inducingly embarrassing nor require you either to be retarded or believe they exist in an alternate universe where idiotic things occur despite simple logic. It also isn’t a show where the joke would work no matter where it was set. No, this is a show about a restaurant and its owners. In the first two seasons almost everything in the show revolved around restaurant things, which was cool. Also, a lot of the comedy was derived from Gareth being acerbic, so you could have a nice laugh at him when he gets him comeuppance as well. Also, many people enjoy the banter and wit of the program, which is really cool.
He’s about 3 seconds from biting someone’s head off, and there is a head so near his mouth.
This brings us to the Christmas special we have here. Be sure, it is a special and not part of the regular series. The first series staff is in this show, but they’re using the kitchen that they have in the second series. In fact the first series of the show ended in March of 1993 and this episode played on the 24th of December of that same year, just to give you and idea of how far apart they were. It’s not much like a normal Christmas special either, since its Christmas at a restaurant. There isn’t a whole lot of Christmas cheer about this episode. The point of the episode is that they’re going to be open for Christmas instead of being home with their loved ones. Actually there is a lot going on in this little half hour show, which is always something that amazes me when I compare British TV with American. Even on DVD they seem to get more done in the same amount of time than we do. Anyway, back to the show.
You can kind of tell she’s about 3 seconds from cracking too, can’t you? They all are.
The restaurant, despite the high paying clientele, is not doing so well. The outlay for ingredients is simply too much. This situation is illustrated with a herb dealer who has been charging too much. Gareth initially declares his love and ever lasting devotion to Mrs. Courtenay, and then looks at the amount on the bill for one month’s supply. It is at this point that he considers putting a hit out on her and then decides he’d rather do it himself. The beat down is pretty viscous, even if it’s all verbal and all stuff you can say on TV. I get shivers just from thinking about it. Poor Mrs. Courtenay is sent away a broken woman. Don’t weep for her though. The fickle hand of fate will bring her the opportunity to return with cruel and exacting vengeance.
Countdown to shouting in 5, 4, 3…
This issue resolved, Gareth and his wife Janice who manages the restaurant with him decide that they must open the restaurant for Christmas. This of course means getting ingredients, which include turkeys. Of course Gareth only wants the best which initially means he buys expensive birds, but he’s shown up by Janice as he often is. The problem is, because he was nasty about burning some packaging, they can’t seem to remember the name of the farm that produced the better bird. His own arrogance got away from him you see.
That’s a lot of pink and naked flesh for a Christmas show. Granted, they’re turkeys, but still.
So a quest is started for the name and address of the farm that produces the superior turkeys. They go through some serious hoops to discover that the farm they want is way out in the country and that it’s run by the boy friend of Mrs. Courtenay!!!!!!! Yes, the same Mrs. Courtenay that Gareth striped bare and flogged in the street (in a metaphorical strictly verbal way) now the birds he needs! Oh noes I hear you cry, and oh noes is right. Gareth ends up offering to pay three times what the birds are worth and extends a full apology to the now evil Mrs. Courtenay and re-employs her as his chief her as his chief herbalist.
This is what it’s all about baby!
While this is going on, we see the problems that the kitchen staff has with having to cancel all their plans for Christmas. This includes one who wanted to go to Vermont, one who wanted to go to bed, one who wanted a good cuddle and one who as a result of skipping Christmas is wished bad luck and misery for the rest of his life. However, it all turns out in the end since they get the turkeys, end up fully booked and it seems like a good time to be cocky. So Gareth is cocky to someone on the phone, and then has to call them back and crawl back into their good graces as well. Sadly, all those turkeys come to not because the new party of 30 is made up of vegetarians.
Almost like a happy family, only not.
Still, it all works out happily and they get to have a meal together in the dining room before the show ends. It’s sort of a sweet moment really since he gives them an extensive offer, knowing full well they’ll all ask for turkey what with the huge amount of extra he has on hand now. It’s one of the only truly Christmassy scenes in the entire production and it comes off nicely. As far as a Christmas special for a TV show goes I really like this one. It’s very true to the rest of the program which means it’s about a restaurant at Christmas rather than being a Christmas show that happens to take place in a restaurant which is a very different thing indeed. The only way to get this that I’m aware of is to buy the entire series of Chef! on dvd in one packet. It’s not very expensive though, so it wouldn’t set you back too much and the rest of the show is good too.
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #3
From X-Entertainment
The Christmas Story INFLATABLE LEG LAMP!
AND!
Christmas Nerds and other stuff
From I-Mockery
Ten Holiday Specials We’ll Never See (if we’re lucky)
AND!
The Smart Shopper’s Guide
From the Nostalgia Critic
Jingle All the Way
From CineMassacre
A Tribute to Santa Claus
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #2
A Nero Wolfe Mystery: Christmas Party
Slightly unusual, because this is a Christmas episode for a cable TV show that would be shown in reruns for like… ever. As a result, this episode would almost never get played at a seasonable time of year unless A&E keeps it in the vault until December and that would require sense on their part. As they canceled the show after two seasons and this episode premiered on July 1st, I can’t think that they are sensible.
One of the things I’ve always been interested about in this show on the whole is how much of it is shot during the winter. I always like seeing signs of weather in TV shows and movies, it gives the place life. Snow, rain, anything really that shows that everything of interest doesn’t just take place in California and during immaculate weather conditions. Since they shot the show in Toronto, Canada during the winter, they could get some free set dressing that way.
Since first getting this, I’ve read the stories and I can tell you that the reason the opener and closer don’t ring true is that they aren’t. One of the things they did to make the show more marketable was tying stories together to make two hour movies if needed. Some of the stories just naturally came in as two parters, but the ones that didn’t were stitched together to form a whole if someone wanted to show them like that. As a result this episode would be the part two of one of those pairings. Archie is dancing with Lily Rowan at the Flamingo Club and like the last episode he’s interrupted by someone. Last time it was a call from Wolfe, this time it’s another woman. Lily gets annoyed and walks off telling Archie that after two strikes, he’s out. This is the bit that rings false as the relationship with Archie and Lily didn’t work like that in the books. The scene is not present in the short story at all. Small point but it seems to matter. For the most part though, the episodes match the books and stories just fine. The stories are abridged, and the only additions are little pieces of fluff, usually between Wolfe and Fritz, to show things that are often talked about but never really shown in the books. I’ve always hit them at about 93.1% accurate, which is better than 91.3% of all adaptations.
This particular episode we discover something new about Nero Wolfe, he’s a Scrooge. He dislikes that the holiday is “merely an excuse for wretched excess” and refuses to even let Fritz wear a Santa hat while serving dinner. That scene is pretty funny too as Fritz comes in with the hat and Wolfe lays the smack down on him, telling him to remove the hat. Fritz takes the hat off, but manages to give his boss the finger while doing it, lowering his head so Wolfe can see him whip the hat off before stuffing it under his arm. The only decorations that seem to be allowed are a small tree and Santa figure on Archie’s desk.
The episode’s true fun only really involves the first half of the show. Archie announces that he’s getting married and this causes Wolfe great annoyance. Beyond the risk of loosing Archie, he also has to go to an appointment without Archie driving. If you’ve watched the series or read the books, then you probably should know by now that Wolfe hates being driven in anything but his Heron sedan and hates to be driven by anyone but Archie. Actually, he hates leaving his house for any reason whatever, period. With Archie announcing that not only is he getting married but that he’s going to a party to announce it and can’t drive Wolfe, things get desperate. Still Wolfe manages to get out of the house at 12:30 precisely without any help from anyone and Archie goes to the party.
At the party we learn that the whole marriage thing was just a gag so the girl in question could get another guy to propose through jealousy. Perfectly sensible if you ask me and no problems whatsoever. After all this isn’t this how ALL stable relationships start, through duplicity and mind games? It doesn’t matter though, because the object of her affection isn’t long for this world anyway. It’s actually when said object dies that the fun mystery starts. See there was a guy dressed as Santa tending bar and he vanishes once the victim dies. Well of course they want to find the man who played St. Nick, because someone leaving the scene of a crime is suspicious. Also the guy was tending bar, and the guy was poisoned with a drink.
This leads to a search for the guy who played Santa, and for the fake marriage license Archie got. It seems that the victim was the only one who knew who the person playing Santa was. The Santa also wore gloves, which did a nice job of not leaving any prints. The gloves will actually become an important part of solving the Santa mystery, which isn’t much of a mystery but is amusing. It delivers some of the joy of this episode, but you’d have to be a little more familiar with the series for it to have it’s full impact.
See Wolfe tells Archie that there is a book in his room and asks him to bring it. Under the book, there are a couple of white kid gloves. Yup, you guessed it long ago, Wolfe was the Santa. It seems that the thought of loosing Archie so distressed him that he got himself installed at the party as the bartender. The thought of being discovered was too much for him so he ran. He let Archie know about it and explained how it was done. The problem is, the fun more or less drains away at this point. The rest of the episode is good, but it’s not balanced very well. Little Nero never gets a visit and learns the real meaning or anything like that.
The rest of the episode is pretty basic for a Nero Wolfe Mystery. They figure out who done it, how they done it, and all that. I won’t go too far into the actual mystery, because I’d hate to spoil the actual mystery. In many respects the Christmas part of the story ends there anyway. It’s an amusing but fairly throw away bit of Christmas fun, not something I would put up as required viewing, but good if you like Nero Wolfe stories. The story is part of the book And Four to Go, which you can buy for about $8. It’s the only story in that book to be adapted, but the other three are good too. If you want to watch the episode, buy the show. It’d be cheaper just to buy the whole series set at this point. The two season sets cost as much as the complete set does.
VEWPRF Advent Calendar Door #1
Let’s see what we’ve got in the magic bag today…
From X-Entertainment
A Family Circus Christmas!
AND!
SweeTarts Mystery Squeez Slush, and a Whoville Christmas tree
From I-Mockery
Santa’s Reindeer!
AND!
Sixteen Serious Questions Raised By “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”
And just for today, a song or two!
Mistletoe Waltz
View 03-mistletoe-waltz-mp3
Ukrainian Carol
View 08-ukrainian-carol-mp3
And a story!
Mickey’s Christmas Carol! This was actually the record they made in 1972, which is twelve years before the cartoon.
View mickey-s-christmas-carol-mp3
AND! AND! A VIDEO!
MORE!!!!!!
From my “Dear GreyWeirdo” column
From my Dear GreyWeirdo column
HEY! I got an Agony Aunt letter today! Many of you may not know this, but I’ve been a professional problem solver for years. I also answer people’s letters and give them advice as well. Let’s open it up and se what we’ve got.
Question:
Dear Weirdo,
This year has sucked some major balls. Nothing has gone right, there are maybe six people left alive and five of them are so heavily in debt to the sixth they may never see solvency again. Half the people I know spent the entire summer sick, the other half are just getting sick now. I just feel like I can’t go on anymore. I don’t even think I can muster up the energy to care about the holidays. I just can’t feel good anymore. Is there anything I can do, or should I just pack the whole thing in? Should I even bother with my VEWPRF cards? Is it the end of VEWPRF? Is it time to give up?
Desperate in Detroit
Well crap, sounds like someone else is trying to give up.
Dear Desperate,
No. No, this will not do. This is the shit, up with which, I will not put! This is not the end of VEWPRF! This is not even the beginning of the end, but it IS the end of the beginning. Only it isn’t, ‘cause I’m just getting started. Hang on, something wrong there. You just hold on Desperate, I’ll be back in a sec…
The ex-smokers and non-smokers among you will understand if I fake-light a candy cigarette before I begin. There are some things which are traditional at a moments like these.
Gather round my minions, it’s time we had a little chat about all the people who are feeling like poor old Desperate here. There are a lot of people who are worried, they’re scared, some of them are down right despondent. These are, quite frankly, the people who the holidays were designed for. Not for you, people who are well adjusted. It’s not a frame for your grandmother to hang her latest performance art piece about passive aggression on. It’s sure as fuck isn’t for those controlling assholes who think they should get to dictate what does and doesn’t make the holidays what they are. It’s for people like Desperate here.
Everyone depends on the VEWPRF season to pick them up after a really shitty year. It’s a release valve, a stress-relieving tool. There are people out there who really need a pick-me-up.
We can’t quit now!
Would Chuck Norris cut and run away, ceding from the country just because he didn’t like the way… okay bad example. I know! Did John Wayne just hide out in Hollywood and keep making cowboy movies during World War Two? Quick check of wikipeidia says… yes, yes he did.
fuck
JACK BENNY!
What did limp wristed, anti-racists, philanthropic, liberal old Jack Benny do when his nation was threatened? Joined the Navy and served with pride. When the co-star to his anti-Nazi movie died suddenly, did he cut everyone off and run away? FUCK NO! He went back to work, did some time with the USO and then flew to Germany on his own dime to personally punch Hitler in the crotch! What I am asking for, from you, is the spirit of Jack Benny. …you’ll understand you won’t be paid for this of course, times are tough and all.
There will now follow a series of adapted phrases I’ve found from those chaotic movie scenes, the sort often found in disaster of crisis movies.
In these dark times, when the cold is sweeping in and the barbarians are at the gate, we have to hold on and work together to pull ourselves out. The banks may have foreclosed the mortgage, the insurance company may have pulled the plug on grandma, the corporations may have slashed your salary to the bone and then beyond, BUT THEY WON’T TAKE THIS HOLIDAY! We’ve got to stand up and bring the true spirit of the season* back to the people! We will light those fucking strings of light. We will light them on the beaches, we shall light them on the trees, we shall light them in the fields and in the streets, we shall light them in the hills; we shall never surrender. We’ve never lost a holiday yet, and we’re not about to start now! I’ve got… 300 people on this… ship that I am… responsible for… and I… won’t let them down. I intend to stand up, I intend to look that dark and cold winter in the eye and I intend to ring these fucking bells until he runs scared and the sun returns! I have, if you will allow me to say, had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane! (Kindly imagine Brian Blessed speaking if you can at this moment) WE’RE GOING TO HAND THEM THE HAPPIEST VAGUE EARLY WINTER POSSIBLY RELIGIOUS FESTIVAL THEY’VE EVER SEEN! YEEEEEAAAAAARRHH!
*Mainly drinking and fucking, with some gifts, songs, lights and bells for good measure.
So let’s MOVE IT PEOPLE!
YOU! Get me a copy of every holiday story Amazon has, I want it cross referenced and collated by how damn twee it is. Throw out any Gift of the Magi stories though, I hate those.
YOU! Get me a big fat evergreen tree. I want this place reeking of pine.
YOU! Get me a thousand twinkling lights and glass baubles. I want this place dripping with decorations. Spare neither expense nor good taste.
YOU! Cook a turkey or something. It’s feast time, that’s where the word ‘festival’ comes from. (just go with it)
YOU! I want paper chains and construction paper snowmen. Get the kids to make some of those fold up snowflakes too while you’re at it.
YOU! Find Mannheim Steamroller and tell them that while we understand they’ve done other things, we need them to do the thing they do right.
YOU! Get me a copy of every special that plays on either broadcast or cable TV during December. I want movies, cartoons, and crappy specials you’d never watch under other conditions. I don’t care if it’s the Star Wars Holiday special, just run it.
YOU! Get some carolers! I want people with NO ability to sing whatsoever.
YOU! Bake some cookies! I like the frosted ones with the little silver balls.
YOU! Dress up in a red suit and tell gullible children you’re Santa. If they balk, tell them you’re one of his helpers.
YOU! Find out what cultures we’re ignoring so we can get their celebrations on board as well! This is not A holiday, this is ALL holidays!
YOU! Light a menorah, burn some incense on it, milk a goat, give the milk to a new born infant, kill the goat in the name of a few gods, then eat the goat! There will be other observances later, but just get started on those for now. I’ll get you a team to help out with the rest.
YOU! Put the kettle on. We need some hot drinks inside us!
And I’ll form the head!
Well?
Come on people, we’ve got a holiday to save. We’re not going to leave anyone out in the cold this time. Get the snowmen built, get the food going, get me Ted Striker Charles Dickens, get the songs started and GET THOSE LIGHTS BACK ON!
I hope this answers your questions Desperate. If not, just try to hold on, we’re working this bitch as hard as we can. Start with this, listen to an episode every day, that should help. To add extra help, I’ll be posting an Advent Calendar from now until the end. You’ll have a new surprise everyday, something different under every door. I’ll be doing this for you. Like Harry Tuttle said, “We’re all in this together.”
…
Looks like I picked the wrong month to stop snorting peppermint.
Thought
If I got one of these and one of these, I could strap them to my back and be a Yuletide Ninja! Or I could get this and this and be the same, but on a budget and a little more personal.
The point is, red and green weapons that I could use to stab bitches who play fucking Sleigh Ride on November the 7th.
The big black hatchet I used was effective, but far from making that festive point.
The point being,
Save it for after Thanksgiving or I’ll split your head open.
Actually, don’t play Sleigh Ride at all because I hate that song.
Nice things
One of the nice things about VEWPRF is that people will buy you neat things that you’d never buy yourself. Not because they’re too expensive or because they’re impractical, but because they’re dumb. Give you an example.
Syd’s brother got The Marvel Encyclopedia and brought it over to show us. And I was thinking, “Gosh, that’s neat.” while also thinking, “You do know about Wikipedia, right?” And while he probably does know that the Marvel Database exists, or at least he can find the wiki articles, that doesn’t stop the book from being really cool. It’s one thing to be able to look up a six page article on one of the less well known X-Force members, it’s another to be able to flip through a book and read over a who’s who of Marvel lore.
I didn’t actually get anything like that because I totally NEEDED a Konjo knife. Needed. Not wanted but wouldn’t buy myself. It was a requirement for the continuation of life on this planet and it’s just as cool as I hoped it would be. I also needed a switchblade, an HTF Recon knife (which is a lot bigger and chunkier than it looks in the photo), a samurai movie, some Stephen King movies, Red Vs Blue Box set, Terry Jones’ Medieval Lives, Halo 2, um… sure there were a few other things. OH, Some toys and candy and stuff. New edition of Scene It, that’s cool. See? All needed things, that are important to life.
The knives especially, but it’s all important stuff.
One Last Thing
For all the people who do like it, do like things shoved down their throats NO! NO! I will not just cut and paste, it just looks… wrong! I can make cheap sex jokes later.
I’ll start again… BUM! Oh what a give away!
For all the people who do like it, like celebrating, who are of the religion/cultural background that do celebrate it, I would just like to say…
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Now you all know who’s side I’m on.
