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September 13, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment

This one goes down a particularly steep hill fairly quickly…

I think I’ve worked it out. I think I’ve sussed the whole Palin thing. The Republican team thinks there is an L in John McCain’s last name. They think his last name is McClane! Now they’ve become convinced that the election is the Nakatomi Towers and he just sent up a note to the terrorists/robbers with the message “Now I have a machine gun rock star. Ho! Ho! Ho!” in the hopes that the Dems will loose their shit and start screaming “Where are my detonators attack ads!”

To their credit, it’s worked. All the blogs have been talking all about Palin for a week and a half now. I’ve cracked wise a few times myself, but then I tend to crack wise a bit anyway. Everyone has been running around worrying about the VP choice so much that no one notices the actual candidate they’re supposed to be working with/against seems to have been replaced by an imperfect homunculus.

Seriously, have you taken a good hard look at John McCain lately?. Here is a story with a picture. The story isn’t important, just the head shot. He looks comfortable, confident, like a man you could believe in or at least disagree with in confidence. Now look at some more recent shots. I picked two because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t getting the worst shot possible. Again, don’t read the stories, the stories are pointless in my context. He looks shrunken, nervous, tired, like all the color has been slapped out of him. He also looks like he’s lost weight recently, like a lot of weight. Is he getting shot from bad angles? Is green just not his color? Is he okay? I mean… really. No joke, is he okay? Has he been taken away by the fairies and replaced with a changeling or what? That’s it, isn’t it? They’ve replaced our political leaders with Folger’s Crystals magical stand-ins haven’t they?

Fear not that the country will be spoiled by religious extremist, instead fear the fae folk are about to take over. We’ll have dobhar-chu in the treasury and fachen in the health services and then we will be truly and righteously fucked! Barak Obama can’t help you, look at him! He’s totally working a glamour spell on your asses, he’s one of them too! He’s some kind of elf king or something! I have no idea what Biden is… maybe a grogoch or something. Bush has clearly been a clurichaun all along and Clinton (Bill) is a gancanagh. The banshee joke has been omitted for being too easy. No! I am not sitting with a book of Irish folktales in front of me. All from memory baby!

Iron my friends, that is your only hope! That and voting for the Official Monster Raving Loony Party. When madness has taken over the earth, only the truly mad will be able to fight back.

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Now playing: Heather Alexander – Faerie Queen

September 8, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

5 things all guys need to know

This is not a complete list…

1. The best way into a girl’s pants is go through her mind. There are faster ways, but many of them are illegal and none of them give as good a result as the mind route does. Also, getting into her head increases your chanced for a return visit by about 900% so there’s that too.*

2. Football is for guys who want to watch other guys in tight pants slap each other on the ass and then roll around on the ground with each other. Wrestling too. I’m just saying.

3. There are limits to what duct tape can accomplish.

4. It’s okay to admit ignorance, so long as you do it before you’ve caused $7000 worth of damage and the fact that you don’t know what the hell you’re doing has become apparent to everyone.

5. Socks with sandals make you look like a prat.

*Yes, yes, I’m ignoring the fact that really a guy shouldn’t be judging everything by whether is gets him either sex or money, but you know… baby steps.

September 5, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Fancy forces a retraction

IT IZ FOLLY! I IZ THE KITTEN! lol! Fancy says she can no bes the Publican Veep! She sez-URK!

Sorry about that folks, I do try to keep her away from the key board.

Hi, Fancy here.

Now some of you may have heard that some prankster suggested that I become John McCain’s running mate in the upcoming election. Allow me to say right now what a load of fish guts that is. The very idea that I would be willing to attach my good name to that of a sinking ship like the McCain campaign is so foolish that I’m surprised the caffeinated lout who said it could manage to spew such slanders. However, since I’ve had Al slip him a few of what ever it is the Vets give her for her little kitty nerves and he’s snoring like… well nothing snores like he does.. Anyway, I can now point out that I am not at all interested in being the Republican Vice President candidate, for the following reasons.

1. I’m a cat! For the sake of old Dash Ten (may he rest in peace) are you people insane? How could you even imagine me as McCain’s running mate? I have standards people. I mean really, if I were going to hook up with anyone’s campaign it would be Obama’s. The brother’s got style and I can dig it.

2. I’m far too liberal to be any good to a Republican candidate anyway. I mean seriously, if licking your butt in public is wrong then I don’t want to be right. Besides, most those republicans are just jealous that they can’t do it.

3. Wouldn’t Vice President be sort of a demotion from Ruler of the Universe?

4. I’m quite in favor or gays. And Mexicans. Pretty much anyone who will give me part of whatever they’re eating. Besides if there was anything Morgan (may she rest in peace) taught us kittens it’s that the more you keep out of other people’s business, the less you get your face stomped.

5. In case you hadn’t noticed the big spot on my side and the bit on my nose, I am part black and Republicans have said some pretty racist shit lately.

6. As a long hair, the last thing I want is Global Warming and thus I have to follow the guys who are working to at least slow it down a bit.

7. We domesticated animals know the dangers of overpopulation. Frankly we shouldn’t be talking about abortion or birth control so much as we should be asking every pet out there to have their human spayed or neutered.

8. I HATE BABIES! Smelly, screamy, and they grab onto your tail. No, seriously, keep the babies away from me.

9. Old people too. They always try to pick me up and I hate being picked up even more than I hate babies.

10. As a cat, I abhor hypocrisy. Frankly all these politicians (Except for Obama, because he’s got style) need a good hard wap on the head and probably deserve to be hissed at.

September 2, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

MEMO: Fancy for VP

Dear John McCain,

Your choice of Palin for VP sort of imploded today, at least it looks like that from here. I would therefore like to suggest a replacement that has as good or even better qualifications than your first choice.

Fancy, The Ruler of the Universe is ready to accept your nomination for Vice President.

Now I know what some of you might be thinking, can Fancy take that roll responsibly? To steal one of Obama’s lines, YES SHE CAN! Of course she can, let’s just have a quick look at her resume shall we?

At the age of eight she is, in cat years, older and more grown up than Obama.

Fancy has really worked her way up from poverty, starting off as a stray in one the bushes outside my parents house, so she knows what sleeping outside in the cold is like.

Fancy is very much a pro-hunting candidate, you should see her go after the ducks on our lawn.

Fancy has NEVER had a sex scandal of any kind, having been fixed as a kitten.

Fancy learned her politics at the feet of Ke’Chara, a most venerated name among the cats around here, who taught her the best way to deal with someone was to either wap it on the head or ignore it.

Fancy has her own chair. HER OWN DAMN CHAIR! Do you understand? No one else can or does sit in that chair, just Fancy. That is executive power. She’s had that chair a lot longer than your current choice has been governor.

Fancy already rules the universe, and should be able to handle being VP just fine. What does that job entail? Sleeping and sometimes biting some lefty liberal type? Sure, she can do that.

Fancy has been to the vet several times, which is just like being a P.O.W. what with the whole being put in a box and having people stick you with things.

Fancy has rubbed up against Russians, Germans, and a few Asian people proving her great international experience. She also has great rapport with minorities, everyone likes Fancy.

Fer the love of waffles, just LOOK AT HER! She’s adorable, it would make Jane Fonda switch sides if she were on the Republican ticket.

She can smack Folly into line, stare Al into line and has even managed to deal with Chou Chou to a certain extent.

Fancy knows that sometimes you’ve got to get resources and is perfectly adept at sitting on the table and staring at people until they give her part of their dinner. She is sure that fund raisers can more or less be handled in this manner.

There is also the well known fact that no one would vote against a kitty. The only hope Obama would have after that would be to dump Biden and try and get a puppy, which is a stupid choice because puppies have no experience and piss all over the floor.

She’s waiting for the one meeting you need to decide on a canidate.

‘Nuff said!

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Now playing: James Galway – The Presidential Hornpipes

September 2, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

5 Things the 90s taught me in one way or another…

Maybe you know some of these things, maybe you learned them at a different time. However, there are thing I learned and I would have to say it was the 90s themselves who taught me them.

1. If you’re cool about gay people, the bisexual girls will let you play with them. A corollary is that for guys, being allowed to play with the bisexual girls is a big tub of awesome!

2. The more they seem to like you, the more you must avoid getting involved with people who are clearly psycho. For guys, this can be pared down to the central law “Don’t stick your dick in the crazy.”

3. There is no such thing as “too gloomy” when discussing rock music. There is no note for guys on this one.

4. Brushing your hair, no matter what the occasion, is purely optional.

5. Blow jobs don’t really count as sex, but are rather a part of foreplay. I’ve never heard the views on cunnilingus being similar, evidently going down on a girl is more important.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to listen to grunge and check out this what this whole internet thing is about…

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Now playing: Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
via FoxyTunes

September 1, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

THAT BASTARD LIED!!!!!!!!!!!

The Snozzberries don’t actually taste like snozzberries. They taste like artifical snozzberry flavoring!

I will never know love or candy again.

AH Checked the packaging, it says “Snozzberry flavored” which as George Carlin told us means “No fucking snozzberries!”

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Now playing: 10,000 Maniacs – Candy Everybody Wants
via FoxyTunes

September 1, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment