Just a few things that have been annoying me as of later.
1. Bad spelling
I’m not talking about typos, or just plain putting too many h’s in sandwich. Mistakes I can handle, even people who are being lied to by their spell checker. I’m talking about things like phishing. Why not just call it fishing? The scam is they send out a line to try and get you to bite it. You don’t need the ph in there. We don’t spell it chroll, do we? No! Troll works there. Lolcats bug some people, but I forgive most of them. Well, I forgive some of them. When they reach the level that I have to sound out the words I loose patience and set the whole computer on fire. So really, let’s learn to spell a little, huh?
No, I will not admit Lolicon is a legitimate manga format, with great story telling and compelling pictures. It sexualizes children and makes me want to make sure your name is on a list. Not a nice list either, not a government list, but a list held by one of those groups of unbalanced people who are bigger criminals than the people they claim they’re bringing to justice. It’s just plain fuckin’ creepy! I don’t care that the girl being DP’d by an octopus…ish thing is supposed to be 400 years old and really into it, it looks like they’re raping a 10 year old and that’s just not on. Also, the little girl on Lazy Town? Yeah, she was eleven when those were made. Making a gif where you simulate her mouthing the words “Fuck Me” while flashing the words on screen ain’t cool either. Countdowns to teenaged actresses 18th birthdays also creep me right the fuck out and makes me want to keep you away from the children.
It may be that virtual child pornography is not ‘intrinsically related’ to the sexual abuse of children, but it is fuckin’ creepy to me.
3. Furries as kicking posts
I mean really. Like your lifestyle is so wholesome and blameless. And if it is, you have my pity and possibly a little of my disgust. No matter what you’re doing, someone either finds it disgusting, soul crushingly dull, amazingly restrictive, just plain weird or really kinda hot. Sometimes you get to pick more than one on that list. Some people think being restricted is really hot. Besides, 90% of the furries I know are hugely inoffensive people. Besides one or two, I’ve never really had much of a problem with furries. I’m not into it, but I can see that they’re just trying to have some fun and make the internet go. Besides, 70% of catgirls are HOT! Try this, take an average girl, now give her cat ears and a tail. See? Her cute factor just went up 20%! Can’t argue with that! There’s numbers and little math symbols and everything, it’s fact now. There is also the factor that many of said catgirls have brains and you might like to talk to them, but I’ve been feeling sexist and naughty all week so why mention things that might get me out of trouble when I’m in so deep?
4. Racism can be funny!
No, no it can’t and you’re an asshole for saying it can. You don’t even spear racism very well with your so called “Ironicly racist humor” which is neither funny nor ironic which marks your ‘joke’ as a failure on all points.
5. Tits or GTFO!
Any and all related statements, phrases, thoughts, ideas, and gestures towards that notion. If you’re going for some kind of joke or shock value, you’ve got to be actually clever or new for either of those. I know, you think you’re being amusing or at least you heard an old Andrew Dice Clay album and the people were laughing on the track, but consider it HAD to be an old album because no one has liked anything he’s done since about 1989 and he wasn’t funny before or after that really. You can’t shock me (you’re not willing to go far enough, trust me) and and this shit just ain’t funny. If you don’t act nice you’ll never get even a little bit of sex unless some girl takes a profound amount of sympathy on you and even then I would suspect she’s making up for Sweden if she does.
6. People who make lists
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these people? Can’t they write something without bullet points? Do they think we have no attention span? I mean most of them can’t even count! Fuck those people!
Bonus #7: My bad writing, which leads me having to re-edit these stupid posts 97 damn times!
It is now Thanksgiving!
To that end, have a song! Vince Guaraldi’s Theme to the Thanksgiving Special
(Sorry WordPress readers, you don’t get to hear the song because the code doesn’t work here! Check the Blogspot version of this post and you can hear it.)
Now please go somewhere and buy a copy of the song. It’s pretty much tied with The Great Pumpkin Waltz as my favorite Vince Guaraldi song and I think it could use the promotion.
Holly and I aren’t going anywhere because I have a policy about the holidays.
My police is this, “Fuck Arbor Day!”
Try is sometime…
Relative: You’re coming to Thanksgiving, right?
You: Because Fuck Arbor day.
Relative: But I’m talking about Thanks… (it is important to cut them off and yell at this point)
You: I said, FUCK ARBOR DAY!
You will be surprised at how quickly people get the message that you’d rather sit half drunk, half asleep and half watching football instead of going to see people you don’t like but are related to by blood. In fact, if you really get into it, they might leave you alone all together. I don’t even drink or watch football, but I’m being allowed to sit at home and watch old westerns. Syd has no such policy and thus is being forced to go to her Grandmother’s house. Well, forced is probably a little strong, she’s not being held at gunpoint or anything. However, it does prove the usefulness of having a policy in place to deal with these situations.
One problem with the internet is that hyperbole becomes so darn easy. Once you have hyperbole, unless you’re careful you sound like you mean it all the time. Once you always sound like you mean it, then any thing that annoys you can sound like you think it’s earth shattering. At that point, my minor irritation becomes my momentary outrage, and that becomes Serious Business®.
I think it’s just too easy to sound like you’re really, really pissed off about something that only just sort of bugs you. Then, other people pick up on it and either share your outrage and want to make a cause out of something you forgot about before lunch, or they think you’re really that ticked over the fact that some chick on Heroes changed her hair slightly that they just laugh and laugh at you.
That’s the problem, momentary annoyance looks like Serious Business® in the cold realms of cyberspace.
Also, you know that any photo that is posted is potential fap material to someone. Seriously, this shot right here? Someone is very likely fapping to that right now.
Yeah, Serious Business®
The line started out as a joke…
“Someday I’ll have to make up for what happened in Sweden.”
I can’t even remember the context of the joke, or who actually said it. It was a neat joke though, a good thing to say if you want to pretend like you’re seriously worrying about your Karma. Since it also sounds like a line from a book with a title like ‘Day of’ or ‘Night of’ or even ‘Afternoon of’ and then some animal like fox, phoenix, or possibly even wallaby. It’s just the sort of pseudo spy crap we loved at the time.
One day though, we realized that a few of us had actually done some things that we were going to be called to account for if there was any kind of controlling body that added up your books at the end. Some of us had a lot of red ink used in our personal ledgers. No to put too bluntly, but some of us were really in debt to the company store as it were.
The joke was still being said, but it started to take on a different timbre when we said it. The joke had become a declaration, and that was a fairly grim declaration at that.
“I’m really going to have to make up for what happened in Sweden one of these days.”
Then things started happen. People came, people went, events started to unfold and threaten to destroy those who were left after a while. Sweden, in a way, became a very big place. It started to occur that when we were talking about “what happened in Sweden” we were talking about some very specific events. Bad things, things we’d rather we didn’t do. It was a kind of code, for the few of us who were in the know. Nothing good was ever done in Sweden, but it was private enough that only a few people knew about it.
Years passed, and things should have been buried. Ah, but Sweden doesn’t just go away because the band breaks up. There are still red marks on the old ledger, and the accounting has become so corrupted and the bookkeepers became so obsessed with covering up the looting performed by the management, I can’t even tell what way the balance is tilting these days.
I think that pretty soon I’m going to have to make sure the books are put into order, or at the very least I’m going to have to do a few things to shove the numbers well into the black. It’s not really about having a credit, it’s just about trying to make up for what happened in Sweden.
I would like to show you guys a letter I received nearly four years ago after I penned a book about the election and then hopped in my time machine to try and get it published as a satirical novel.
Letter Dated March 27th 2005
From the office of Steve Editorman Huffin-Malfoy Publishing
Dear Mr. —-
We are returning you’re satirical novel “The Greatest Campaign Ever” because while amusing in many respects, it is far too fanciful to even count as political satire. To be honest, you’re whimsy took you too far. A few points on how extreme and unrealistic your jokes were follows…
While the idea of a black man running for president it’s that new, did you really have to go so far as to make his middle name Hussein? Taken even further, making his last name one letter off from Osama, which gave our computer spell checker a problem I can tell you. Then to suggest that most of the campaigning would be performed by college students and other young adults. Perhaps you are new to politics, but the youth vote doesn’t really count for that much. Having a ‘can do no wrong’ candidate followed by worshipful youth was almost enough for a horror novel rather than political satire.
Moving on to your Republican candidate, who you made look like a doddering old fool. Its one thing to make a joke about people running on their war record, but in one memorable scene you had him refer to his prisoner of war status when asked a question about the economy. Speaking of the economy, we found it genuinely absurd that a republican president would push for a trillion dollar bail-out for a few banks.
While I personally found the section about the plumber who stumps the candidate and thus becomes a hero of the right-wing blogs before being shown to have lied about almost everything in his question when becoming a favorite target of the left-wing blogs, it does smack of attacking the working class. One might wish to point out the high-flying fantasy of having this non-plumber performing more television interviews than the VP choice.
Your book suffers from too many storylines, which often hurts new writers. The winking Republican vice-presidential candidate almost took over the book for a while there. Having a woman, and a governor who had only served half a term, seemed like piling it on. To have her be such an incurious and almost seemingly stupid person just looked like misogyny. While on the subject, is Wasilla even a real place? I looked it up on a map of Alaska and I couldn’t find it. Also, Katie Couric is a morning presenter and while she may appreciate the promotion, having her do the interview that sank the VP really hurts the credibility of the whole piece.
Near the end of the book, the storytelling becomes almost insanely frantic in its attempts to ram every idea in. The hundred thousand dollar shopping spree, the president in hiding, the self-mutilating supporter, and of course the infomercial which was so ridiculous that I felt it sank what good will the book had earned. I found the book interesting enough to get to the end, but over all I think we would be laughed out into the streets if we tried to publish this.
Not wishing to discourage you too far, but you satire is a fine line which one must walk carefully.