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Cartoon Review: Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer

I was told this was on CBS tonight, so maybe you want to see a review?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964 Videocraft Intl. Ltd. Dir. Larry Roemer)

Wait. Why in hell does a snow man at the North Pole need an umbrella? Is he affraid it’ll snow on him or something?

You know, I wonder if there was ever a child who looked at Sam the Snowman at the beginning of this and thought ‘Oh Burl Ives, I like him’ because I spent most my life not even knowing who he was. I suppose the adults knew him, which would give them something they could latch onto. And boy howdy does a rational being need something to latch onto with this production! I haven’t actually even watched this in a couple of years because it gives me such a headache trying to wrap my mind around not only the logical inconsistencies but the great injustices that go unpunished.

What a colorless world they live in. Even the food is pale gray. You’ll notice he has some red wine though.

The story starts with Sam the Snowman telling us about how a big snow storm a couple of years ago almost canceled Christmas. This is a reoccurring theme, they always seem to be on the verge of canceling Christmas in these shows. I’ve never understood how it was supposed to be done, like Santa calls it off and then sends enforcers to kill anyone who is caught praying to the Baby Jesus? I figure its stupid shows like this that got bigoted dickheads thinking there was a war on Christmas in the first place.

Oh kid, if only you knew the problems that nose was going to cause you. You should have just gone and been a road sign.

Anyway, Sam tells us all about a place he calls Christmas town. No one else calls it that, just him. Sam’s sort of in a world all his own. He tells us about how this is where they grow Christmas trees, which is a lie because we always got ours at a tree farm in Armada. So either I have to accept a talking snow man telling me “Ur doin it wrong!” or I have to suspect everything he says. Frankly, I love the idea of an unreliable narrator in a kids Christmas tale, so I’m going with that! We see inside the Claus residence, which is a bleaker place than I imagined. The dining room is all gray and white. Even the food is gray! Mrs. Claus is giving Santa a ration of stuff because he hasn’t eaten a bite and who ever heard of a skinny Santa, but I contend he just doesn’t want to eat that gray food. Mrs. Claus seems obsessed with getting him fat too, like she’s trying to kill him. This yo-yo dieting will be hard on the old man’s heart. I’m telling you she’s got her eye on that big fat insurance policy she bought for him a couple of years back.

None of the boy elves besides Hermey have hair. The girls all have blond hair. Hermey has long blond hair. Just sayin’

Now I’ve got to talk about the music while we’re going through the opening credits. This is a musical, and much of the story is built around shoe-horning the songs in. Sometimes they fit, other times they only sort of fit. It depends on the song and the placement. I can’t exactly say how many songs there are, I lose track every time because I tend to fast forward through them. I’m just not a musicals kind of guy.

Why in Dante’s hell does a reindeer need a baseball cap? No really, why?

So Rudolph is born and they discover within a few seconds that Rudolph has a glowing red nose. With in about 14 seconds, Santa shows up and sings a song about jingling bells tells Rudolph he sucks and leaves. That’s it, he just shows up to insult our hero and sing a disturbing song. He in fact says he’s the king of ding-a-ling, which explains my discomfort around Santa. He is based on a child-loving Catholic priest after all. Once his totally out of the blue song is over, he tells Rudolph to stop being a red nosed freak or he’ll never have a spot on his team. Evidently if you’re not exactly 100% perfect, Santa wants nothing to do with you. Santa is a dick. Santa also threatens to cancel Christmas if the nose doesn’t stop soon. Santa tries to cancel Christmas for any reason he can find. All he needs is an excuse. Donner, in a desperate attempt to stop his son from being gay a red nosed freak, puts him on the football team a cap of mud over it. Even Sam gets into calling Rudolph a jerk, claiming that it’s a non-conformity to have been born with a red nose. Like he could have been born normal but decided not to conform to normal standards. Having a red nose is clearly a choice, if his parents just sent him to one of those camps he could be come an ex-red nose.

If this isn’t just a little creepy to you, something is wrong with you.

From there we meet the other protagonist in this story, a blonde haired elf with rounded ears. His name is Hermey and I think the reason he doesn’t fit in is because he’s clearly the only gay elf. No one else has that fabulous blonde swoosh, or even any hair besides the girls. In the show, Hermey wants to be a dentist and I must admit it’s the first time I ever heard it called that! Hermey is derided for his wish to suck on legal aged boys stick is hands into other people’s mouths. Evidently, elves must make toys, they can’t be dentists. Hermey sings a short songlet which we will hear again later and the scene ends.

They said I was mad! I’ll show them who’s mad!

Meanwhile Rudolph is forced to wear a plastic cap or something over his nose. His father, so blinded by his need to get his son on the team he tells his son that he’s no good. There is then a song by Santa’s Elves shoe-horned in there. I must admit I fast forward at this point. I skip most the songs, because they are interminable. Santa hates the song and runs away from the scene in a hurry. There is then even more deliberate humiliating of Hermey. His boss screams at him and all but leaves him a gun with one bullet so that his dentistry gayness won’t infect the rest of his group. Wait! Did I strike out the wrong thing there? Hard to keep track of all this subtext.

Yeah! A snow man. Playing a banjo. In a snow field. With a decorated tree. Where’s your god now?

Rudolph makes friends easily when he’s allowed to play with other reindeer his age. He even gets a girlfriend named Clarice for about half a minute before his nose cap flies off and everyone sees that he’s not really Arian normal. Santa takes the time to humiliate Donner by pointing out how because of the nose his son is worthless. Santa marches off in disgust, ashamed that one of his reindeer managed to spawn a freak. Clarice doesn’t seem to mind the nose, which makes her and Rudolph’s mom the only ones. They don’t get time to be together though as Clarice sings a shoe horned song with some creepy animals frolicking around her and then her father chases Rudolph off. Not to put too fine a point on it, everyone besides the chicks at the North Pole is a bigot!

Scariest puppet this side of the icecapades.

Hermey and Rudolph meet up, and decide to pal around together because who else have they got to hang out with? They sing another song, only about a minute and a half after the last song ended. They decide to head off for California together, but it turns out San Fran is a lot further away than they thought. They get caught in a snow storm and chased by the Abominable snow man. Rudolph and Hermey then meet up with the greatest character ever to appear in a Go-Motion Animagic cartoon thingy! YUKON CORNELIUS! He’s the greatest prospector in the north! He’s searching for silver and gold, and guess what? Yeah, its time for another song. With in this song they don’t just make demands that the characters conform, even the trees have to be dripping with silver and gold to be called a Christmas tree. There is no such thing a tolerance here.

You know guys, when this starts to melt and it will, we are so boned.

The trio decides that three is just about the right number for a memorable cast of main characters. They also decide that they have to run away from the snow monster, so they get on a passing ice flow and just let the currents take them away. While they’re doing this Donner finally feels bad about being such a cockbite and try to go after Rudolph, but not before telling his wife to stay home because she’s just a chick. Sexism can be added to the crimes now. Also, speaking of which, female reindeer have antlers, why don’t these? They must have been taken off by the males to subjugate them further. Our hero’s ice boat crashed into the island of misfit toys.

This bird can’t fly! Remember that, it swims. There is a fish bowl right next to it for that purpose. The bird can’t fly!

I think the Island of Misfit Toys is possibly the best thing in this show. So many of the toys described in yet another song seem so cool. I would have loved a owl that swims under water, or a polka dotted elephant, or a cowboy that rides an ostrich or a Charlie in the Box. I mean really! Anyone can have Jack in a box, but Charlie? No one has Charlie in the box! However, Santa sent them here and forced them to stay by firing heavy anti aircraft guns at anyone who tried to leave. I’m guessing now but it fits everything else they’ve done.

Feeling a little uncomfortable oogling a teen-aged reindeer’s butt? Is there something you’re not telling us? Or perhaps yourself?

Rudolph thinks it would be cool to stay on the island, since they’re misfits too. They go to talk to the king of the island, but it seems since they’re not toys they can’t live there. Even among misfits, they can’t stay there either. This doesn’t stop the king from telling them that they need to go and tell Santa to come get the toys or else find a reindeer’s head in bed with him. Rudolph worries that he’s going to get his buddies killed because his nose keeps attracting the snow man, so he takes off alone. Rudolph is the only noble character we’ve seen so far. Don’t worry though he won’t actually be the last person to show a decent streak. I don’t hate Yukon or Hermey, just so we’re clear on that. They didn’t know he was going to take off, he went in the night. They probably spent all the next morning trying to follow his tracks and hiring guides to help look for him. They tried, but there was now snow and the ice and besides Golden Girls was on!

MMMM, lunch!

Rudolph does some growing up, getting stronger, and stops in China for a while to learn kung-fu from an ancient master. HEY! You do what you need to in order to make the show watchable and I’ll do what I need to do okay? Some of us have booze, some have dreams of kung-fu reindeer. Rudolph goes back home and is told by Santa that everyone he’s ever loved has left. Santa then proves what a sack of crap he is by only being able to relate the missing deer through his personal prism, complaining that if everyone isn’t here he’ll never get his sleigh off the ground. The fact that loved ones might be dead or in great pain means nothing to this bastard, because they’re not real people or anything. The only thing that he’s concerned with whether or not he can get his sleigh off! Why is he bothering to pretend anyway? You know he’s just going to find some other pretext to use in order to cancel Christmas.

Okay, how can you not make a sodomy joke here?

Rudolph decides to go save everyone, and that’s when the storm hits. The entire town is being torn up by the storm, and poor Rudolph has to go out on his own. As I said though, he now knows kung fu and can face forces that would kill a normal reindeer. Rudolph gets to the cave of the snow monster just in time, since sweet Clarice was about to be made a meal of. Rudolph engages his mad kung fu skills to lay the smack down on the snow monster, but he didn’t reckon with the fact that the snow monster can just grab a piece of cave and hit him with it. Rudolph gets soundly pwned!

I think he still has that reindeer lodged up his butt. Those antlers must sting.

At just the last moment, Hermey and YUKON CORNELIUS show up to save the day. See, they’ve been looking for Rudolph ever since he left because they didn’t care about his nose, they cared about him. To prove that they’re the only decent people north of the tree line, they decide to save their pal. Hermey makes pig noises to distract the monster and Yukon just up and slugs the ugly monster in the face. Well, he drops some rocks on him, but it’s much the same thing. Then Hermey goes to town on the monster with his pliers, yanking out his teeth with out and anesthetic or anything. Then Yukon really does go in for some pwnination, unfortunately knocking himself and his dogs over the edge with the monster.

I know I’ve been a dick, but I need to make up with you while the cameras are rolling.

Sad at heart, the survivors forget about Yukon and go back to town. When they arrive they tell the story of how they saved the day while those status quo monkeys had cowered. Even Santa realizes that if he doesn’t make amends soon, the media is going to tear him apart. He patches things up with Rudolph and Hermey is told that he can open a dentist’s office. And then, who should come in to the large castle of Santa clause but YUKON CORNELIUS(!) and the snow monster who Yukon single handedly brought into the fold by having the biggest come to Fancy meeting you ever done heard about.

Well, now that we’ve ripped out his teeth and castrated him, he’s as gentle as a lamb. His life has lost all meaning, but we can feel safe around him.

Now, the storm it seemed to keep it up, and shows no signs of slowing. Santa announces that he’s going to cancel Christmas, because one person can do that. I’m telling you, this is why people are so wound up, one store can totally cancel Christmas, in fact just one person it seems can do it. And Santa wants to cancel Christmas for anything. If his wife says “I’ve got a stomach ache.” He’s all like “Oh man, we’d better cancel Christmas!” And she’s all “It’s July, I’ll get over it by December.” But he’s all “No, no! Can’t chance it!” He announces to the group that Christmas is off because of the storm and then realizes that Rudolph has a bright nose which could guide them.


I always wanted to see this show remade or at least re-voiced with Chris Rock or someone like that in the part of Rudolph. I’ve got the script all ready for him… “Oh I see how it is! When I was just a useless freak you couldn’t drive me out of the North Pole fast enough. All the sudden though, when you got a bad storm on your hand all the sudden you need the red nosed freak don’t ya? Well screw you fatso! Strap a halogen to your face and do it yourself! You should have thought about the fact that you might need someone before you treated me like shit! C’mon Hermey, let’s go to Burger King!” For being such a dick as Santa has, he doesn’t deserve to have anything work out for him. It does though, they all go off together because Rudolph still craves acceptance. You know next week they’re going to tell Rudolph he’s not needed again don’t you? Santa is only doing this because this time he needs Rudolph. He only goes to the Island of Misfit Toys because Rudolph wouldn’t lead the sleigh otherwise. Next year when the weathers better they’re all screwed.

Hey look! Roy Orbison showed up to do a cameo as an elf!

One last little bit of pain though. The bird that can’t fly is just tossed out of the sleigh without the umbrella to slow his fall. That bird is sent to his death because an elf made an incorrect assumption about a misfit toy. It’s tragic because it is the bird that had a line in the song about not being able to fly, we saw him tell us he can’t fly and he’s pushed off the sleigh to his death. He even opens an umbrella to tease the bird before pushing him off and waving to him as he plummets to his death. An innocent bird is murdered because they still can’t grasp the concept of a misfit after all that time.

Cold. Blooded. Murder.

The people of the North Pole are a bunch of bigots and murderers and there is nothing more to say about them. They’ll only pretend to be your friend after you’ve saved their lives or made sure that they didn’t have to cancel Christmas. I they are all evil and I hate them! You know what? I’m calling off Christmas! As a result of this hateful special I’m calling the whole thing off. If Santa can do it, so can I. No more Christmas until things like this are expunged!

Wait a second, why in hell are there only 6 reindeer and Rudolph? Where are the other two? On sick leave?

Edit: Someone pointed out to me in a comment on one of the blogs that this review is posted on, that I missed a point. Among all the things I did complain about, it seems I missed the inherent and explicit sexism of the piece. I can only explain by saying there were so many things to complain about, and the females were so marginalized in the story, that it slipped past me. I’m not making excuses, just trying to explain why I missed it. I will point out though, that I had owl murder to deal with. Never the less, I will endeavor to be more complete in the future.

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December 3, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | 2 Comments

Oh wow.

JC Penny’s has a new ad to Sell Jewelry.

Ready? Here is their pitch in a nutshell… “All women are whores and they’ll only be happy if you give them something shiny.”

I mean seriously. I will admit I couldn’t stand watching the whole thing because it was so damn OBVIOUS where they were going with the video, (that your wife is a whore and will only fuck you for diamonds) so I just skipped to the bit where they insulted all of woman kind so I could prove I was right. The whole thing was getting tedious about the time the fat guy said he was in trouble for telling his wife he’d like to fuck her mom. Just started skipping at that point. Evidently I missed the bit where the men were telling their wives that they’re all starting to look like fat whores and if they don’t get their shit together they are so getting dumped for a cocktail waitress. I don’t need a 4 minute long video to lie to me by explaining that men are shallow and dumb and that women MUST HAVE SPARKLIES! Evidently they decided to just insult everybody. Love has nothing to do with a relationship, just us giving girls diamonds and girls remaining ornamental for us.

If I might point out a few facts. My own girlfriends, who are not whores by the way JCP, would be angry if I bought them any of that crap. Holly doesn’t wear jewelry, and Syd if fucking particular about what she will and won’t wear. If I bought her diamonds, Syd would cock punch me so hard that I would undergo a semi-spontaneous sex change because she hates diamonds. Dangling sparkly things before their eyes won’t make them open their legs, I’ve got to be… you know… actually suave and shit. Seriously, you have no idea how much poetry I have to recite in a month.

Also, these dumb fucks claim that the vacuum in the video is “dual bag”, which much hilarity is made over. It’s a Dyson… THERE IS NO BAG IN A DYSON!!!!!!!!!!!


That’s the point about a Dyson you stupid shit eating horse fucking wife insulters!

As a guy I’m deeply insulted that they think I don’t know what gifts to give and I’m doubly insulted that people who don’t know anything about the equipment before them dare to insinuate that while I’m too dumb to know what to buy, I should listen to them. These shitbirds think a fucking Dyson has a bag, why should I listen to anything they say? Fuck, they might suggest white wine with beef next. Hell, if I listen to them I might end up not in some mythical doghouse but rather in the dark halls of Helheim trying to talk my way into getting someone to loan me an inflatable raft. Who knows where you might end up?

I mean, I hate to be offensive or anything, but fuck these assholes and fuck their mommas!

One might say, “Oh come on now, it’s just a video, can’t you laugh at the funny?”
To which I will say “Motherfucker, what month is it? Do I get amused in December? Is December a good time to fuck with me?”
After smacking One about the head I would add “And I would laugh if there was any funny. This shit, ain’t funny. That joke is so fucking old that Moses rolled his eyes when Aaron told it to him.”

I mean come on, this is like a bad stand-up routine from the 80s. “Men sure are dumb, eh? They sure give bad presents, huh? Women are only after one thing and that’s a new diamond, am I right fellahs?” We’ve had mass media like movies and radio for about 100 years. A good deal of it has been recorded so clever people like me could spend their pre-teen and teenage years listening and watching that stuff. These jokes have been told, consistently, for well over a century. Nothing here is new. Not one fucking word of it. Every joke has been used over and over AND OVER! I’ve got an mp3 in my collection where a guy gave his wife a gift certificate for a boob job. That radio show is at least three years old I think, and the outcome of that one was fucking hilarious. This video, not so much.

Fuck that shit. And besides, who the fuck are women to be angry if they don’t get the present they want?

If you want a diamond necklace, and you’re dating a man, you have to tell him. You have to tell him in so many words. If you don’t tell him, you can’t claim you don’t know men are stereotypically clueless because 100 years of really shitty jokes will prove you wrong. You have to tell him, and you have to use small words during a commercial break. I have no sympathy for hint droppers or women who complain “he should just know” because by now you either should know he won’t or the problem is you. It’s like voting, if you don’t make your voice heard, your later complaints count for nothing.

And seriously, men only give vacuums and gym memberships? I mean… where do I even begin? OH I KNOW! I’ll begin with the fact that I carefully listen when one of my girlfriends says she wants something, often I’ll even make a note about it so I can get her what she wants.

Also, seriously, a Dyson doesn’t have a bag! How can I give anything they say even the slightest bit of weight when they fail on the very basic facts that a Dyson’s main selling point is that there is no bag in the thing? I mean some men might really be as stupid as they show here and some women might actually only judge love by the sparkliness of the rock it comes with, but Dyson’s don’t have bags!

What? Who do you think uses the bloody thing around here? ME! That’s who! I know my fucking vacuums matey!

December 3, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I have noitced.

You know what word you almost never hear anymore?


No one seems to use that one outside of people writing something they want to sound like Victorian Porn. Which is odd, because I recall only rarely seeing it in Victorian porn. Seriously, try this, take a random issue of The Pearl and count how many times cunny is used. Cunny might turn up once or twice an issue while cunt is used constantly. Quim doesn’t turn up as much as you might expect either, although quim does get more play than cunny.

For extra fun, try reading The Pearl out loud like you’re one of those women reading a book for a children’s TV show. Seriously, no greater hilarity exists than trying to keep a straight face while reading Victorian pornographic stories to a group with the same sort of voice you would use to tell little children about the adventures of semi-anthropomorphic animals.

While I’m on the subject, people should read out loud more. There used to be a thing about this, where a person would read aloud to the entire family. Of course in those days there was no internet, or Television, and heroin was still pretty pricey in those days before we got the whole golden triangle thing worked out. My point is that people should be reading more and shooting up less!

Also, just about everything I say is not safe for work in one way or another.

December 3, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment

Hard Boiled Christmas (Day Three)

Hard Boiled Christmas

A Jack Collier Mystery

By Brett N. Lashuay

Day 3: History


            I don’t like leaving my office, and I don’t like leaving my office for work, and I certainly don’t like doing it in December. I have to leave my office of course, because I have to detect, which is how I earn my living. I don’t like leaving in December though. Above all the others, it’s the month when I try to avoid letting my spirit walk abroad among my fellow men, mainly because my fellow men are idiots. They bustle around like mad during the entire month telling me how Christmas is coming, as if any being in the Western Hemisphere wouldn’t be aware of this fact. In fact it would probably be fairly hard to avoid being told this in the Eastern Hemisphere as well, and yet the people who feel it’s important to tell everyone do it constantly for two solid months.


            There are other reasons that I’ve decided not to go forth in life, but that’s a big one in December. The other being that I dislike the bite of winter’s chill. Of course that wasn’t much of an excuse today as the sun was shining brightly on the ground, which still didn’t have any snow. It wouldn’t be warm out though, it would be icy and cold. It might be warm when the sun shone in the car, or through the windows of some of the buildings, but as my window faced north, the sun never shined in it.


            I stood up, thought about the Marley and the Webley-Fosbery in my safe and decided against them. I had no idea what I was doing yet, and therefore it would be tough for me to even be noticed by anyone, much less start to get shot at. Until I had some idea about where I was going and what I was doing, I wouldn’t need guns that I might pull out and increase my troubles with. I tapped the desktop, and tried to think of where the best place to start was. Of course things being as they were I thought about starting by talking with Solstice Yule. That was more because the old girl always cheered me up and had a wealth of great stories. The value of good stories can’t be understated, and in that light, she might have some information about Christmas in those stories.


            I tapped my desk a few more times, just to make sure it was going to be properly supplicant to my will and not move around. Sometimes you’ve got to beat a desk by tapping it in order to make sure it won’t roam around the office. I didn’t think that going to see old Solstice was my best first choice though. It was just possible there was a better first move. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Noonan’s desk number. After a moment he picked up and barked into the phone.


            “Noonan.” He said.


            “Hi Tom.” I said.


            “Oh, hi Jack.” He said, his voice becoming more friendly as he spoke. “What do you need? The place is a madhouse this morning. Feds started showing up about four a.m. As you can imagine this Christmas thing has everyone in a tizzy.”


            “Well that’s why I called.” I said. “If you could manage to gather up a copy of everything you can get your mitts on and meet me in the Somerset food court that would be helpful.”


            “I’ll need about an hour, at the very least.” He said.


            “Okay.” I said. “I’ll be somewhere in the middle.”


            “As always.” He said and hung up.


            I understood he was rushed, but it wasn’t fair to say that I was always in the middle. Usually I sat on the side near the window, it was just this time I wanted him to be able to find me more easily. Even as a metaphor it was unfair. I hadn’t been in the middle of anything in years, not since the last time I had anything to do with Christmas and her group as a matter of fact. There had been jobs here and there had been jobs there, but I was not always in the middle. Usually I was at my client’s side, helping them through their dilemma. Sometimes I was right in the bed with them, but those were extreme circumstances and exceptional clients. I did not end up in bed with the insurance companies, not the whole company at least.  


            I stepped out of my office and into the waiting room, where Debbie was madly typing away at the keyboard, doing whatever it was she did. She stopped after a little while and looked up at me, setting her hands flat right in front of the key board in an odd position that always made me think she was about to bow. It must have been my years in judo, the position looked like the position you put your hands in to bow to the sensei at the beginning of the lesson. Her eyes flashed with boredom as she waited for me to get my nerve together and tell her that for the first time in three weeks I was going to go out and do something to earn a fee. It was a big moment for both of us.


            “I assume you noticed that the Fat Man came to visit.” I said, as if she hadn’t been the one who announced his arrival to me.


            “Yes.” She said with a single nod of her auburn locks.


            “Well he came with an offer.” I informed her as if she were the boss. “He wants me to find out what happened to Christmas.”


            She then looked at me, and I knew the look well. She was about to ask, neigh demand that we just close up the office and run away to Barbados together. She was going to say it would be better than sticking around here. She was about to argue that the trouble was too deep, it was too wide and we would both die horribly. She was going to tell me to not even bother going back to my place for my things, that we needed to leave in the next five minutes or it would be too late. She was going to look up tickets and I was going to grab my passport and that was going to be it. I knew it, it was the look on her face and just a sense I got from our long association.


            “Okay, so where would you start investigating?” She asked, proving once again that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.


            “Well I guess I start by getting some information from Noonan.” I said sitting down on one of the waiting room chairs. “Then I suppose I look around a bit, and try to figure out who would do this.”


            “What about the police though?” She asked. “Can’t they do it?”

            “Oh sure they can.” I tilted my head and looked at the tiles in the ceiling. “But I’m going to guess that it’s not that simple. I’m going to guess that we’ll have to dig deep to find the one who did this. I mean just think of the list of suspects we can name off the top of our head.”


            “Okay.” She nodded at me with determination. “Name them.”


            Shit. She would make me actually make a list off the top of my head. I took in a deep breathe and let it out, to try and mask the fact that I was stalling for a name. One came to me though, and once I got the list started I found I could let it wind out.


            “Church for a start.” I counted him off on my fingers. “He’s the ex-husband. He didn’t take the divorce well, as you well know. He hasn’t bothered her lately that we know about, but he’s still a violent thug. I don’t rule out the Fat Man, he might be trying to cover his tracks.”


            “Why him though?”


            “She got out of line and he wanted to teach her a lesson. Someone got over excited as people so often do around Christmas. He didn’t mean it to come out like that, it just did. So he wants to throw people off the scent by letting it be known he’s hired a specialist to look into it.” I waved him away and started on my other hand, “Of course that just starts the list. One of those dipsticks that’s been trying to make it look like people are attacking Christmas for years, why not do it themselves and blame whoever they wanted. Or it could have been any other number of nut bags, lunatics and fruit loops, the world is full of people who love her so much they’d have to kill her to prove it. Then you’ve got the fact that Pat was struck by a car this year and Easter had that accident of hers. Thanksgiving went missing too if you remember. Any number of delightful folk could be at the bottom of this, we’ve just got to dig deeper into the shit than anyone else will.”


            “That’s why I love working for you.” She said in a tone so dead it might have come from a crypt. “You have such a warm and sunny view of humanity.”


            “It goes with the territory.” I reminded her.


            “No.” She said shaking her head. “You think that everyone in the world is trying to kill the rest of the world, or at least do horrible things to them.”


            “You exaggerate.” I admonished her as I got up and put my coat on. “Why some of them are merely trying to rip everyone else off. Some of them just want to exploit, they aren’t all sadists and murderers.”


            “That’s what I mean.” She smiled nastily at me. “You have such an optimistic view of humanity.”


            “Humanity is doomed and we both know it.” I told her. “It’s just a question of how long it takes for them to get there and how many other kinds of life they’ll take out on their way down.”


            “You really have to go.” She pointed with her left hand at the door. “I don’t think I can take much more of your warm sunny optimism. I’m going to be infected by your unwavering belief that everyone is good and true. After that I might just start handing out my number to any fellow I see and believe him when he says he loves me and of course he’ll call.”


            “Well.” I got up out of the chair. “We don’t want that.”


            I opened the door, put my hat on, and let it close behind me. The pneumatic tube hissed softly as the door slowly closed after me and finally clicked shut as I got to the stairs. I began to descend down to the ground floor, where it would only be a short walk before getting to my car, and then the mall.


            I wondered as I got into my car if anyone would be following me yet. Usually, there were people following me if I went to pay the gas bill. Some people say its paranoia, but I say the gas company wants to make sure I mail the damn thing. I tried to look for any cars that didn’t belong, for anyone that looked comfortable and settled. Were there any cars that had donuts and coffee in them? I hoped that the bastards didn’t have donuts, since I didn’t have any donuts. Of course it could just be that I’m paranoid, it’s been mentioned before, but then I got used to people following me from past jobs. I didn’t see anyone who might be a follower, no one with donuts. The bastards always had donuts, and I never have any.

This is part three of twenty-five, come back tomorrow for part four and every day this month until we’re done to see what happens next. If you get lost, one of the tags here should help you. The HBC tag will take you to the story while the Jack Tag will take you to Part One of every story we post here.

December 3, 2008 Posted by | Fiction | | Leave a comment