I'll come up with something in a minute.

Oh wow.

JC Penny’s has a new ad to Sell Jewelry.

Ready? Here is their pitch in a nutshell… “All women are whores and they’ll only be happy if you give them something shiny.”

I mean seriously. I will admit I couldn’t stand watching the whole thing because it was so damn OBVIOUS where they were going with the video, (that your wife is a whore and will only fuck you for diamonds) so I just skipped to the bit where they insulted all of woman kind so I could prove I was right. The whole thing was getting tedious about the time the fat guy said he was in trouble for telling his wife he’d like to fuck her mom. Just started skipping at that point. Evidently I missed the bit where the men were telling their wives that they’re all starting to look like fat whores and if they don’t get their shit together they are so getting dumped for a cocktail waitress. I don’t need a 4 minute long video to lie to me by explaining that men are shallow and dumb and that women MUST HAVE SPARKLIES! Evidently they decided to just insult everybody. Love has nothing to do with a relationship, just us giving girls diamonds and girls remaining ornamental for us.

If I might point out a few facts. My own girlfriends, who are not whores by the way JCP, would be angry if I bought them any of that crap. Holly doesn’t wear jewelry, and Syd if fucking particular about what she will and won’t wear. If I bought her diamonds, Syd would cock punch me so hard that I would undergo a semi-spontaneous sex change because she hates diamonds. Dangling sparkly things before their eyes won’t make them open their legs, I’ve got to be… you know… actually suave and shit. Seriously, you have no idea how much poetry I have to recite in a month.

Also, these dumb fucks claim that the vacuum in the video is “dual bag”, which much hilarity is made over. It’s a Dyson… THERE IS NO BAG IN A DYSON!!!!!!!!!!!

NONE! NO BAG!

That’s the point about a Dyson you stupid shit eating horse fucking wife insulters!

As a guy I’m deeply insulted that they think I don’t know what gifts to give and I’m doubly insulted that people who don’t know anything about the equipment before them dare to insinuate that while I’m too dumb to know what to buy, I should listen to them. These shitbirds think a fucking Dyson has a bag, why should I listen to anything they say? Fuck, they might suggest white wine with beef next. Hell, if I listen to them I might end up not in some mythical doghouse but rather in the dark halls of Helheim trying to talk my way into getting someone to loan me an inflatable raft. Who knows where you might end up?

I mean, I hate to be offensive or anything, but fuck these assholes and fuck their mommas!

One might say, “Oh come on now, it’s just a video, can’t you laugh at the funny?”
To which I will say “Motherfucker, what month is it? Do I get amused in December? Is December a good time to fuck with me?”
After smacking One about the head I would add “And I would laugh if there was any funny. This shit, ain’t funny. That joke is so fucking old that Moses rolled his eyes when Aaron told it to him.”

I mean come on, this is like a bad stand-up routine from the 80s. “Men sure are dumb, eh? They sure give bad presents, huh? Women are only after one thing and that’s a new diamond, am I right fellahs?” We’ve had mass media like movies and radio for about 100 years. A good deal of it has been recorded so clever people like me could spend their pre-teen and teenage years listening and watching that stuff. These jokes have been told, consistently, for well over a century. Nothing here is new. Not one fucking word of it. Every joke has been used over and over AND OVER! I’ve got an mp3 in my collection where a guy gave his wife a gift certificate for a boob job. That radio show is at least three years old I think, and the outcome of that one was fucking hilarious. This video, not so much.

Fuck that shit. And besides, who the fuck are women to be angry if they don’t get the present they want?

If you want a diamond necklace, and you’re dating a man, you have to tell him. You have to tell him in so many words. If you don’t tell him, you can’t claim you don’t know men are stereotypically clueless because 100 years of really shitty jokes will prove you wrong. You have to tell him, and you have to use small words during a commercial break. I have no sympathy for hint droppers or women who complain “he should just know” because by now you either should know he won’t or the problem is you. It’s like voting, if you don’t make your voice heard, your later complaints count for nothing.

And seriously, men only give vacuums and gym memberships? I mean… where do I even begin? OH I KNOW! I’ll begin with the fact that I carefully listen when one of my girlfriends says she wants something, often I’ll even make a note about it so I can get her what she wants.

Also, seriously, a Dyson doesn’t have a bag! How can I give anything they say even the slightest bit of weight when they fail on the very basic facts that a Dyson’s main selling point is that there is no bag in the thing? I mean some men might really be as stupid as they show here and some women might actually only judge love by the sparkliness of the rock it comes with, but Dyson’s don’t have bags!

What? Who do you think uses the bloody thing around here? ME! That’s who! I know my fucking vacuums matey!

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December 3, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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