I'll come up with something in a minute.

And a happy new year

You know what pisses me off?

SHUT UP! Don’t you start listing things yet! It was just an introductory sentence! Don’t you sass me.

What pisses me off when some ignorant fuck claims that saying “Happy Holidays” is stupid and doesn’t carry the weight or have the same value that “Merry Christmas” does and thus people should stop using it. One assumes they say this because being inclusive sucks and besides Christianity is the only REAL religion anyway so you should all just do what they say because it’ll be easier that way. Yeah, once again I’m going after the use of Christmas as a cultural cudgel thing. C’mon! It’s December! It’s a VEWPRF tradition. You didn’t think I was going to go the whole year without going to town on them at least once did you? Think of how disappointed the children would be if I didn’t. Their big eyes, weeping, like a dark haired youth who didn’t get Optimus Prime from Santa despite being a good boy all year.

Anyway, back to people who try to tell me I mean “Merry Christmas” on the few occasions I can get my head above wanting to kill everyone around me and say “Happy Holidays” to another human. This is more of a conceptual complaint, fueled by ignorant people on the internet than a literal ‘this happened to me’ experience because the last time I bothered to actually wish a stranger well was in 1997 and it didn’t end well. Frankly, I still claim he shouldn’t have said “Don’t you mean Merry Christmas” in that tone and that what happened to him is between him, his God and those delightful natives who claimed he pulled a knife on me and I had to do it.

I’m sure these people have nothing against Jews, Muslims, Pagans or Atheist… BUT* they are bringing the whole party down by just existing. Also, fuck them for insisting what I should or shouldn’t say. Telling me to say Merry Christmas (as evidenced by this post) will only earn you a great big “Fuck you and I hope you die in a fire asshole.” There is also an unspoken complaint here, these douche suckers are claiming someone has forced them to stop saying Merry Christmas and is making then, at gunpoint, say Happy Holidays. They rarely come out and say it like that these days, because people like me now have a habit of saying “If the words ‘War on Christmas’ escape your lips I swear I will kill you in ways that will force both science and the law to come up with new terms to express my cruelty.” They do like to insinuate though, and they come off as assholes every time. Someone in the majority trying to get the people in the minority to conform and quit causing trouble is just another asshole anyway.

I don’t mind people saying “Merry Christmas” to me, no really, I don’t. Seriously! I only mind whenever someone insists that I need to say or not say something. And I get really pissed when someone acts like the whole nation said Merry Christmas before 1978 when this whole “Happy Holidays” thing was invented. Here is the thing, Happy Holidays is older than you. It’s older than me, it’s older than any of us, unless you were born in a year that starts with 18. The first Christmas Card that was printed with the slogan “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings” were printed when Victoria was still the Queen of England. Anyone bitching about the phrase like it’s something new is someone who is ignorant, pure and simple. Either that, or they’re liars. I’m going for they’re all a pack of fucking liars, because they are.

Also, fuck these bitches for claiming that only “Merry Christmas” gives the impression that the speaker is more interested in the brotherhood of man than other phrases spoken by other people. Any semi-positive phrase can work that magic if spoken correctly. That’s the awesome thing about spoken language. Inflection and speed add so much to the words that come off cold and dispassionate on paper. I could make “Your new haircut looks nice” sound like a marriage proposal given the right context tone and energy. Claiming that only these two specific words can do the work proves that they are liars and just wants to push forward their stupid, tiny minded agenda. I suppose it could also be that they’re just plain unlearned in the use of words, but I find you can’t go wrong when you claim these culture warriors are being intellectually dishonest. It’s sort of like asking where bears defecate and the religious preferences of the Pope.

People like this like to claim that no one would get angry is someone said Happy Hanukkah or anything except of course for the fact that people did, last year. 10 people arrested for beating up some Jews for not wishing them the culturally dominate holiday’s greetings. An isolated incident? Perhaps, but it shows that anyone who says you won’t get beat for not saying “Merry Christmas” are clearly liars. And as we know, lies make the Baby Jesus cry.

Making the Baby Jesus cry… on his pretend birthday. How can these fuckers live with themselves? Of course badly tuned pianos, Mothra, new shoes and bacon are known to make the Baby Jesus cry, because the Baby Jesus has fucking colic. Also, Jesus was born in June. You fucking people ripped off the feast of Mithras in order to get Romanized Pagans to sign on. So get over yourselves. The trees, wreathes, candles, bells, sex in the street, big meal, presents and virgin birth are all stolen from filthy fucking pagans who stank of patchouli and sang folk songs so stop acting like you invented something.

Believe me though, I sympathize with the Baby Jesus crying his head off. I know the feeling of wanting to vent unapproved feelings every five minutes like the little Baby J. It’s only the ludicrously pinko liberal laws we have in this country that stop me from grabbing a Tire Thumper and claiming that everyone in the whole world is a tire to prevent voiding the warranty. And believe you me, Santa is going to get it first. Santa is a fucker. I’m going to get Santa, then behead him, then tie the head to the bow of my ship just like Robert Maynard. That will be the most hard core VEWPRF for like EVER! Motherfucker would know that I was serious about that Optimus Prime figure after that! All those milk and cookies have made him soft, he’s gonna be a push over. I’ve watched Home Alone 37 time already, I’ve got my traps laid. The Fat Man is going DOWN!

Where was I? I seem to have lost my train of thought…

Oh yeah! When you simply walk up and assume that the phrase “Merry Christmas” meant well, with genuine spirit of the season behind it is going to be met with similar feeling then it will be. At least with me and pretty much all the people I know. I can tell when someone is wishing me well and when they’re being a dick. Saying “Happy Holidays” in the same vein will also gain a likewise response. Even wishing me a “Blessed Yule” will get a smile and a same to you sort of response. Again, the awesome thing about spoken language! You can vary how you say things and make the same sentence carry different meanings. If you say it right, you’ll get the right response.

It’s this insistence that one phrase is more important than another that annoys me. It’s the idea that those of us who aren’t Christian are somehow preventing all those poor widdle Christians from saying the word Christmas. It’s the lies that offend me most, that and the fact that I never did get that Optimus Prime figure. Even when I did get one, years later, it was broken in the box and when I returned it there were no more so I STILL don’t have one.

Honestly, I can’t wait for all these idiots to be eaten by their own children or struck by lightning fired from a vengeful (or possibly just bored) feeling Zeus, or buried alive by the decent Christians who think these assholes are making all Christians look bad. It would be nice if people could just say “Merry Christmas” without worrying that someone is going to think they’re another bible thumping asshole who wants to force people to assimilate to their ways. It would take a load off my mind if we could just have Christmas back without all the dickheads insisting that it must be celebrated the way they say and it must be shoved down everyone’s throat whether they like it or not.

Most the Christians I have met in life (say 89%) fit into the group that I like to call “Decent fucking people” and it saddens me to see them worrying that any expression of their faith is going to lump them in with a bunch of semen garglers who just can’t just relax and let things be groovy. It really makes me angry that these people have caused my father, who really loved Christmas even more than I used to, say “Fuck Christmas. Those assholes ramming it down everyone’s throat made it not fun anymore.” You can’t begin to understand how angry hearing him say those words made me. Or maybe you can, some of you know me fairly well by now. Also, I have just spent roughly 1,600 words saying so.

Anyway, my point is…
Lies! They make the Baby Jesus cry.

And…
While this one I bought a couple of years ago and had to return because it was broken is now way out of anyone’s price range… I still sort of want an Optimus Prime figure**.

*As we all know when someone says “I don’t mind (group) BUT…” then something bigoted is going to come out of their mouths.
**Only sort of really. It’s just my version of the Red Ryder 200 shot range model air rifle, except I didn’t get it. I got other stuff, and I moved on with my life.

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December 22, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized |

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