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Bacon, it’s what’s for New Years

You know what always drives me nuts? When people declare the very obvious as if it’s something new, or secret, or somehow a private matter people never share. Like Bacon. We all like bacon (except for vegetarians, but we can all agree there is something wrong with those people) and we all know that bacon is yummy. So every time I hear someone say things like “Bacon is Awesome!” or “Bacon is the most delicious thing ever!” I have nasty tendency to then announce in a voice just as excited as theirs “Yeah! And water is wet… FUCKING GNARLY!”

I mean really. Yes, I know, we all know. Announcing that bacon is good, like you’re somehow the first person to discover or express this idea just makes me think you’re somewhere around the Caboose level of intellect. What bugs me even more, is the way it’s announced. The people who do this tend to say it in a way that makes me interpret their statement as, “I would never express this feeling if I weren’t absolutely positively sure that everyone around me would agree. I only allow myself to get excited about things I know I won’t have to defend in any way shape or form.”

Announcements of Christmas tend to get me the same way. “Woooo! I LOVE CHRISTMAS!” Of course you do, you’re a man child who hasn’t figured out you can’t hide from the horrors of the world under a bed of nostalgia for three months. Lots of people, most people in fact, do love Christmas. Why are you declaring it and listing off everything associated with it like someone is going to demand you defend a 1500 year old holiday? And why are you expressing all this like you’re the only person to ever actually like the holiday season? Lots of people like it. No, really, they do.

And besides, these days you just might get some arguments, because A) not everyone loves Christmas but more importantly B) Those who do are getting a little fucking fed up with people wanting to celebrate it for three fucking months. Sorry to be mean and nasty, but it needs to stop. The line must be drawn here! This far! No Further!

I like Christmas Day. I even like the week of, and I’m not too anti-December on the whole. When the first decorations turn up in AUGUST(!) BEFORE MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY(!) then I start to get a little annoyed. Actually, that’s not so much Christmas as the holiday season being all together stretched out too far. Last year I saw those little champagne popper things with 2008 written on them in September before I saw any snowmen or santas out. I get worn down and I feel like the specialness has been stolen away by too much exposure.

Still though, Bacon, VEWPRF, yeah I know you like them. Just about everyone likes them, please stop announcing how awesome they are like you’re the first one to notice. I thank you in advance.

Note: Children are exempt from complaints about announcing the very obvious. Pretty much everything is new to them, so it’s okay if they announce that bacon is awesome.

EDIT: Really, what I’m saying is that bacon will have arguments one day. People will begin to say that bacon everyday isn’t a good thing. That a constant influx of bacon every day for three months is bad. There will be a War on Bacon, and the two sides will argue a lot about who is right and who is an asshole. So don’t over do bacon, because too much of a good thing is just too much. You should also buy your bacon presents early to avoid the rush at the malls. Man, I hate Bacon shopping. That’s why I buy all my bacon presents online now.

December 26, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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