I'll come up with something in a minute.

Twa Corbies

We have twa corbies flying around the house today! Except by the time I decided to get some pictures, they’d decided to start flying around and not sit next to each other. I can’t get more picture on Flickr until next month anyway.

Ah well, have some music.

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February 22, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

My confidence is dropping

I’m going to be honest kiddos, I didn’t even finish the trailer for Watchmen.

Too much slow mo, too many guys being thrown 30 feet, too many super jumps. I got about a minute and a half in and turned it off. You can’t have the 30 foot throwing and the eighteen foot jumps in Watchmen. Watchmen was supposed to be like a naturalistic answer to the super hero bullshit. It just looked, from the 88 seconds of the trailer I watched before switching it off, like they just didn’t get it at all. They look like they’re going to make Watchmen into the Matrix and I just can’t be party to that. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be proven wrong, but I won’t pay $12 (TWELVE FUCKING DOLLARS FOR A MOVIE TICKET!) on the off chance that they’ll prove me wrong.

Granted, I didn’t have a lot of confidence in this to begin with. Zack Snyder is, forgive my bluntness, a fucking idiot anyway. I didn’t really watch Dawn of the Dead, I just skipped through it to after the first ten minutes to watch three and five minute bits. There is only so much “Let’s put stereotypes in a mall and see what happens” bullshit I can take. “No, we don’t need real characters, one note stereotypes will do thanks” is not a story telling technique. And zombies don’t run. They just don’t. It’s okay if you want to say they do, just like it’s okay if you want to say the sun orbits the earth, but you’re wrong!

I didn’t like 300 either, but then I’m a heterosexual male so there really wasn’t anything there for me. It was the gayest thing I have ever seen. It was gayer than the comic book, which is something of an accomplishment since we’re dealing with Frank “Nancy” Miller’s later work here. That movie could have only have been gayer if Leonidas has a lisp and a limp wrist. And yet they tried to claim it was the Athenians who were queer. Shit, the Spartans in that thing were so far in the closet they almost had the battle of Thermopylae take place in Narnia rather than Greece. And if you sped up all the slow-mo in that movie to normal speed, the whole thing would only be about 45 minutes long. You can’t have an arch if your whole movie is one big climax. We won’t dwell on the fact that the movie is a big gay right wing wet dream about killing all the darkies that come our way while cuddling up with big muscular men who tell each other it’s not gay if balls aren’t touching, but we will mention it.

So I will grant that I didn’t have a great deal of confidence in this movie to start with, but the more I’ve seen the less confidence I’ve had. This is only the second thing for it I’ve seen, but I have been less impressed each time so far. I’m going to have to wait until people who I know and trust have seen it and tell me if it’s any good or not. I won’t spend my own money to find out though, and I probably won’t sit in a theater where I can’t just get up and walk away either. It’s too expensive and my tolerance for shit has all but vanished in the last few years. Go on, tell me it’s just a trailer. Go on, say it. SORRY! The point of a trailer is to sell me a movie, and these trailers have not sold me. Nothing gets a free ride with me anymore. There are simply too many thing vying for my attention to waste time on something I don’t think I’ll like. I’ve got other things to do. I’ve got too many movies to watch (about 200 of them just in my living room) too many books to read, too many video games to play and too many hot sexy ladies to try and woo to waste my time on garbage that I don’t enjoy anymore. I’ll waste my time on garbage I do enjoy though, but it’s got to have charm and personality. These days, we’ve got to be talking about one charming mother fucking movie. Zack Snyder would have to be about ten times more charming than that Arnold on Green Acres for me to consider consuming his work again.

February 22, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

B List

I’m trying to come up with the ultimate rules for an independent drive-in style B Movie (watch MST3K if you don’t know what that is) and so far I’ve got the following bullet points…

1. A relative of the director/producer has a roll, probably a big one. If the director is the star, his girlfriend should play the hottie.

2. A musical performance is shoe-horned into the production somewhere. Ideally the entire song should be played from beginning to end. For maximum impact it should have nothing to do with the movie in any way shape or form.

3. People entirely unsuited to a police investigation should be asked to “have a look at the murder victim” in order to give an opinion.

4. Stilted… slow… conversations. For best results, show no emotion when speaking lines that normally would require histrionics of one form or another.

5. Women are girls and girls are dumb. A girl must always need rescuing, need guidance for things like walking across a room, and have someone to speak for them. These things should be done by a man, but a child can do it if no real man is available.

6. Minorities should either remain out of sight at all costs, or be victims and/or comic relief. If a minority is being used as comic relief, their race/creed/nationality may be used as their single defining factor.

7. Science just works and we don’t need no fancy explaining by no fancy book learnin’ college boy.

8. When in doubt, tell a story or explain a legend. Never show the events as that might distract the viewer, always explain them in long single shot monologue scenes.

9. When you need a big monster, rent a gorilla suit and use something else for the head. When you need a small monster, just put a carpet on a dog. When you need a huge monster, use forced perspective on any animal that will sit still long enough for you to focus the camera.

10. Lighting is for chumps. Lots of people leave lights on all day, just use that.

Any other suggestions?

EDIT: It occurred to me more or less after hitting post that #7 needs a little work. I need something along these lines OR! The only way to understand the events is through a long unnecessary and completely erroneous scientific explanation.

February 22, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment