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Bacon (A Poem)

Bacon is yummy, I know.
Cookies are yummy, I know
Bacon cookies are probably yummy, I suspect.
Do you know what shortening is?
It’s a vegetable oil substitute meant for baking and frying.
Do you know what it’s supposed to be substituting and is thus aping?
Do you know what lard is?
Putting pig fat into baked goods is an OLD FUCKING IDEA!
You have not innovated!
If anything, you’ve made a colossal step backward because you’ve also put vegetable shorting in your fucking bacon cookie when you could have used LARD!
This whole idea that you people somehow discovered bacon has to end and it MUST END NOW!
Not only is cooking with bacon an old fucking idea, your grandparents did it better.
Does anyone remember their grandmother keeping bacon fat in a can or anything so she could use it later?
Old idea.
Not new.
She didn’t waste the bacon grease.
She used it later.
Stop saying shit like “Bacon is awesome” and expecting someone to say “Yeah I know” like the two of you have discovered some secret culinary delight that no one has ever thought of before.
Bacon is not a fucking indie band!
Everyone knows about bacon*!
Bacon ≠ Modest Mouse!
Or I’ll rend your fat and use you in a pie.
After I harvest your organs of course.
Can’t do this on no budget.
There’s a depression starting.
Got to get PAID!
Ya know?
Don’t cross me.
There’s still a few rich bankers in the world.
And some of them want your kidneys.

*Except for the Muslims and the Jews, but fuck them if they don’t know good food when they see it. I’m tired of their bullshit anyway. Sick of Hindus too. Just eat the fucking cow, that’s what they’re there for! Between those three groups I can’t get a bacon cheese burger in some places and that just shouldn’t happen. People who let God tell them what’s food deserve not eat well.

February 27, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized |

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