I'll come up with something in a minute.

Good thing I’m so calm and kind and don’t hit people just for annoying me

I really honestly don’t mind if some guy decides he would like to be my girlfriend’s new boyfriend. Scoff if you like, but it’s not a problem. I’m a hip, sensitive new age guy, I’m all poly and shit, I’m cool.

So long, that is, if he manages to come up to the required standard. There are certain requirements that need to be filled if he’s going to be accepted among the pack. Not least of which are that the girlfriend in question actually likes him and thinks kissing him on the mouth wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever happened to her. Once accepted by the girlfriend in question though, there are still some points that have to be achieved. Such as, I’ve got to not want to cut his guts out.

I’m not going to say that any guy Syd or Holly brought home would have to be at least as good, as cute, as sensitive, as smart and as good a listener as me, because such critters just don’t exist. That there is a snipe hunt of the first water. I speak from no ego, I only speak truth. However, he would have to at least be worth the effort of my not gutting him like a fish and using his organs to refit a snare drum. I don’t mean that any man who puts hands on my woman is looking to get gutted, my wish to gut my fellow human is pretty much a constant as you should well know by now. I dislike most of humanity, even the soft and squishy female variety, I just like women more.

I’m not sure exactly what qualities this mythical lad would have to possess, beyond the gut of steel so my knife would turn on the day I decided to gut him, but he’d have to be a pretty decent guy to get a pass from me. The reason is that we’ve never gotten past the first step of Syd or Holly wanting to bring a guy home and kiss him on the mouth.

OH but there are guys who want to! That is a fact and let no doubt hold fast in your mind my darlings. The problem is that these fellows rank between your ordinary Nice Guys and douchecanos so huge that the local villagers are considering throwing in a virgin in hopes of placating an eruption of douchiness that will create a veritable douche river (wider than a mile) that you could sail the Good Ship Lollidouche down.

Let us take the most recent example, a young lad who has annoyed me somewhat. This is the stereotypical Nice Guy, and has annoyed our household to such an extent that I feel compelled to discuss his failure at both picking up chicks and life. We’re talking a seriously irritating little weasel here kids, don’t feel sympathy.

This guy is someone who plays Final Fantasy Online with Syd, and if you want to know why the “gamers are social retards who live in their mother’s basements until the age of 30 and couldn’t get laid in a morgue” stereotype exists, I can direct you to him with a single sweep of my hand. You could get an idea about why he’s such an asshat by reading Syd’s posts on the subject, but I prefer to tell the story myself.

The problem isn’t that Syd was nice to him once and since no female had ever looked at him with anything beyond disgust he decided she was The One. That’s a simple crush and easy to get over for all involved. No, because she hadn’t quite gotten his personality down before trouble started she gave him her phone number once and he proceeded to call all the time when she wasn’t in the game. The last time he called during a meal she snatched the phone up before I could to inform him that we were eating dinner and he could stop bugging her. I haven’t spoken to him yet, but I think if he calls after this current kafuffle I will have to.

See, he made what he thinks of as a joke about her, a crude joke and not really acceptable, both for my own reasons and for hers. It’s not the first dickheaded thing he’s said, and not the first time she’s been annoyed. This combined with past crimes, which almost got him tossed from the group in the past, caused her to blacklist the prick and she is considering changing her cell phone number so he can no longer call. It’s not that the one comment did so much, it’s the last in a long line of total dick moves where he thinks he’s being clever or cool or whatever and he’s just annoying her. When you annoy Syd, you annoy me, when you annoy me, you annoy Fancy, and if Fancy is annoyed then some motherfucker needs to die.

See, there is an issue here, or there would be if this guy wasn’t such an obvious douche… actually it occurs to me that calling him a douche infers he could get into a pussy and squirt his juice, which isn’t looking terribly likely at the moment. There would be an issue is this guy wasn’t such a clear and obvious cockbite. I might feel bad about my decision to answer Syd’s phone next time he calls and inform him that if he doesn’t stop bothering her I will be coming for him, because you know… hip, sensitive new age guy, who is all poly and shit. Even if one his hip, sensitive new agey, and all poly and shit, one might feel a tinge of jealousy at the idea that another guy wants to put his mouth on your girlfriend.

There would be an issue on other days, the question of “am I judging this guy too harshly” would be at the back of my mind. However, since this little shitlette is such an annoyance I’m allowed to dislike him as much as I want and all those moral questions go away in a flash of fucktardishness.

April 7, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment


I guess Vermont was butthurt over Iowa looking more liberal than them.

April 7, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Big Pics

Incidently, if you want to pick up girls who work a living museums, wear a doublet. I could have easily picked up at least 3 girls if I had chosen to, and they all worked at the village. Something about costume people sticking together I guess.

April 7, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment