I'll come up with something in a minute.

Going Out

By the time you read this I will be gone.

No, not like that, just gone to the movies. We’re going to go see Star Trek right now, which I’ve been really good about avoiding for the most part. I haven’t even seen the trailer yet if you want the truth. At least I don’t think I have, I’ve seen bits of it, but I’ve switched it off before it got very far. I’m pretty much ready to hate it and tell you all that you’re a pack of brainless fucksticks, because you’ve all sort of over blown it for me at this point. Seriously, you act like nothing has ever been this good before. If my life isn’t changed, if my arthritis isn’t cured, if the lame don’t walk upon hearing the opening score and if people don’t achieve orgasms in their chairs just from watching it, then I’m going to bitchslap each and every one of you who said it was so damn awesome.

Just a warning, but I feel a justifiable one. You must admit, as a group* you have rather acted like it’s the best thing since ever and I highly doubt that it is because Versus is the best thing since ever. Seriously, that movie could only be better if there were velociraptors in it. Well, okay, a plot and character development might have been helpful, but you’re looking at it the wrong way round if you start thinking in that direction.
*Important note: One or two of you have actually said that it’s a clichéd ball of shit but you liked it anyway. I can respect that, I’ve got no problem with that. However, it’s being held up by some as the best movie since Wrath of Khan and that makes it the fifth time I’ve been told a new Star Trek Movie is the best since Wrath of Khan now.

Actually… been meaning to talk to you about this.

I’m annoyed by the fans who haven’t seen or remembered things properly. I always seem to be listening to people who either have very selective memories or are completely ignorant of the thing they’re talking about. Always people claiming Batman Begins didn’t have a big bombastic third act, or that Film Noir always has to have a detective and a femme fatal, or claiming they always hated the Ewoks or that Blade Runner conforms perfectly to Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, other such bullshit. Since I know people saw Batman Begins it must only be selective memory at work there. I can only imagine ignorance when people claim that BR and DADoES have anything more than a passing connection to each other beyond a few scenes, most of which were reversed when they made the movie transition.

I forgive the movie makers for making the new crew all young and reckless and stuff. I’ve already got my head around that one so it won’t cause too much trouble beyond how mind alteringly stupid that idea sounds to me. I’ve made peace with it though because you can’t expect too much from these people. I mean, come on, cut them a break, it’s Hollywood. Of course they’re going to make young people reckless and all over sexed and stuff.

I fully understand Hollywood only has so many ideas and they picked to make them young, and young people only are allowed to act one way. If these guys weren’t myopic and stupid, they’d never have been given the job. Single note characterization is a requirement. If Spock & Kirk were made black in this movie they would rap, wear their hats backwards, and talk sassy because that’s the only way Hollywood allows blacks to act in movies as the lead. If the black character isn’t the lead then they’re made to act as bullet magnets to prevent the white characters from getting hit. You might argue that those are two notes, but you’d be wrong because they’re only allowed one note in each movie. If they were portrayed as women, they wouldn’t be in search of new life and new civilizations so much as a shoe sale and a really cute purse. If they were gay they’d mince around being FABULOUS despite the fact that Kirk and Spock were gay for three seasons & six movies and never once even approached Hollywood’s idea of a gay couple. I could go on with this, but I think you’ve got my point.

Hollywood is still pretty disgusting when it comes to stereotypes, but I don’t blame them for it anymore. It’s what they do. You might as well get made at Joe Quesada for ruining up everything that used to be good in the Marvel Universe. That’s just what he does, he fucks up and ruins perfectly good things. I’m beyond expecting that particular leopard to change its spots. It would be like expecting this whole movie to go by without Kirk and Spock fighting over Uhura’s affections since she’s the attractive girl and they are both good looking guys. The lead female has to bang the lead male and if there are two lead males she’ll have to nail both of them.

What? Why are you all looking at me like that? Oh fuck, it happens doesn’t it? Look, I haven’t actually even seen the trailer, I haven’t read a review beyond those on LJ, please tell me I made that up! At least tell me there isn’t a fucking polar bear or anything like that!

aw fuck.

All that aside, why do I keep hearing how appropriate it is that Kirk as young is all reckless? Kirk, who in the very first episode we heard was teased for being a stack of books with legs and was relentlessly harassed by a cadet called Finnegan. Kirk, who was something of an uptight kid until he got into space and learned to loosen up a bit. Even when given his command he was still a responsible and adroit leader. How is he being a reckless youth in this movie supposed to be appropriate? He doesn’t start acting recklessly until the movies when The Shat started feeling old and wanted to be Capt. Actionpants. Even then, the movies had a different set of circumstances and when The Shat says he wants to play Capt. Actionpants, you let The Shat play Capt. Actionpants. You don’t fuck with The Shat! Chuck Norris once fucked with The Shat, and ever since has had to wear that stupid mustache and to cover up the result.

Before all of that though, Kirk was a straight-laced captain who had an eye for the ladies and a penchant for getting his ship into situations where stomping on the Prime Directive was the only logical solution. He wasn’t ever reckless though, except with his shirts. I don’t want table banging, I don’t require demands of canon, but let’s at least admit that it’s a change shall we? You can even claim it’s a welcome change, but it is a change.

It gets very hard to talk to people when they’re clearly riding the Nostalgia Train and saying things that just ain’t so. It also pisses me off, which is nothing new. I’m angry about 83.7% of my day, since ignorance and stupidity makes me angry and I still live among humans. Humans are stupid and ignorant for the most part. While it makes me angry, I do understand it’s not always their fault. You can’t know everything, you can’t even make a stab at reading all there is to read or watching all there is to watch. Just not possible, there is just too much. Still though, they do like to talk without knowing what the fuck they’re talking about and that shit pisses me off.

It’s not that the comments about Trek have pissed me off that much, it’s just a hook to hang my annoyance on. All the people who talk about Film Noir, but have never actually watched one, all the people who harp on the Indiana Jones Series being like a Saturday Morning Serial, despite the fact that again, they’ve never actually sat down and watched any of them and wouldn’t know what they entailed or didn’t, and every person who argues how close or far something that was based on a book is from the source material when they’ve so obviously never even read the description on wikipedia much less the actual book, they all drive me nuts. I have a good memory for things I’ve seen which is why I can take on a room full of people in a movie trivia game and still win, so it doubly bothers me when I see people ignoring large parts of things to produce a memory that is completely false or try to bullshit their way past me when that’s all but impossible.

This is something you can control though, just go through a short refresher. You can see episodes of Star Trek for free! No excuse not to get an episode or two under your belt before you go out. Just look at one or two and then go out with a clear conscience.

Strange as it might sound, I’m actually trying to keep an open mind about this movie. I’ve never been invested in Star Trek, I hate City on the Edge of Forever, and I haven’t really liked anything but Kirk & Company and even then, it was just something interesting to watch. I’m fully prepared for a train wreck, but I’ll be as pleased as anyone if I don’t hate it. We’ve been down Prequel Avenue before though, and it’s usually brought me nothing but pain and misery. I’m trying to keep an open mind though, but this is a Hollywood production, and a prequel at that, so I’m pretty much ready to have my intelligence insulted by the village idiot.

I will keep the following questions in mind as I watch…

Where is Kirk’s Bother? That would be Kirk’s OLDER brother. Has the poor bastard been retconned out of existence?

Why the hell is Chekov in this when he’s like 10 years younger than Kirk and couldn’t be bothered to turn up until 2nd season anyway?

Was I right that there’s a polar bear in this?

Are these kids going to be as blisteringly stupid as the people on Lost?

Why is the endlessly hot Winona Ryder playing Spock’s mom? I know some people of our generation are having kids and stuff, but DAMN! C’MON! We are NOT that old yet.

In the end, whether I like the movie or not won’t matter. You either like it or you don’t, and my liking or disliking it shouldn’t matter to you. Unless of course you’re one of those people who bases their self worth around liking what everyone else likes and my not liking something harms you somehow. These people do exist, mostly I usually guess they don’t like the thing as much as they say they do and worry themselves because my lack of faith mirrors their own to a level that makes them uncomfortable.

Besides, as it often remarked, I don’t like anything. This is always a surprise to me given my huge movie collection, my large audio book collection, and the other things I’ve collected and enjoyed. Never mind that though, I don’t like 5 shitty things in the stupid and vacuous current popular culture so I don’t like anything. So it shouldn’t matter to you or even surprise you if I don’t like it.

It certainly won’t matter to Paramount, because they’ll already have my money and can spend it on making whatever other garbage they have planned for this year. Probably the marketing for G.I. Joe, since that looks really like it could use a few extra dollars to try and sell it.

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May 10, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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