I'll come up with something in a minute.

Don’t quote me

Something occurred to me today. Actually, it has occurred to me before, but the justification dawned on me today. I always loose respect for someone’s views when they start throwing bible quotes into the conversation. I think this is for several reasons.

1. They never just quote the bible, do they? No, they have to mention the chapter and verse. This is smug and insulting to my intelligence. I know the bible. I’ve read it and read lots of books about it. Lots of people have read it, you’re not part of some tiny minority. You’re not some clever little group who has discovered this little tome no one has ever heard of before. Not only have we all read it, we all know quotes from it when we hear it. You’re not impressing anyone by then saying “Generals 45:15:23:HIKE!” at the end of your quote like we’re all too dumb to know what you’re talking about without the chapter and verse markers. You’re only making me go, “Yeah, I know that, do I mention the chapter and page number of ever detective novel I quote?”

2. They assume that they’re leveling some judgment by delivering lines from the book, which assumes that the book has any meaning for me. The bible isn’t everyone’s book. Some people subscribe to holy books of a different nature, some people leave books with gods and legends off their shelves all together. My book is The House at Pooh Corner. Insisting that I’m supposed to respect everything in the bible as absolute fact is troublesome and contradictory and suggests there is no other book of wisdom in the world. Like they’re going “Ah! See? In the bible, argue with that!” To which I say “Gladly!” and either throw quotes from a dozen different books both holy and secular or I make up my own as I go along. This leads me neatly into my third problem.

3. They’re clearly not thinking for themselves. They can’t have an opinion unless it’s stated by someone else, or if they do they have to justify it by something in a book. I should probably say they can’t express their own opinions without knowing that there is some back up somewhere, some authority figure they can cling to. I don’t need this, I can come up with my own bullshit on the spot. I don’t need to quote Nero Wolfe and say, “I’m no fatter than I was five years ago” when justifying my lack of gym membership. I can just go “Meh, whatever” which isn’t exactly original, but I’m not specifically quoting anyone. I want to hear what you actually think, if you can’t justify it on your own then maybe you should reevaluate your views. I want to know what you think, don’t wait for someone else to express a view and then say “Yeah, what they said.” Remember how you’re teachers would ask you to express something in your own words? Remember? Back in school? Do you remember school? I don’t. I only have vague memories because I was on drugs during my elementary years. I was given lots of drugs by people who claimed to be doctors and later had to leave the country under assumed names to stay one step ahead of the federalies. Only some of that last sentence maybe true.

The thing is, I know that this isn’t a religious thing. I know lots of people, even fairly closed minded folk, for whom expressing their views without falling back on bible quotations isn’t a problem. It tends to be only a special kind of tiny-minded bigot who I find resorting to quotes from the bible, which is probably my last problem. I’ve come to associate the quoting of bible texts with something horribly bigoted from someone who won’t recognize when they’re failing to follow some part of the bible themselves.

It’s like the problem I’ve stated before, about the clean-shaven man in a cotton/wool suit eating a shrimp cocktail while waiting for his blue cheese smothered pork chop to arrive telling me that Leviticus says homosexuality is a sin. Even if he quotes chapter and verse, I know he clearly hasn’t read it, or if he did then he only read as much as justifies his bigotry. Besides, the ministry of Jesus is supposed to have wiped the old rules away and set up the new rules, which were his rules of peace, love, forgiveness and being just generally groovy. But of course if I started on that I’d just get a blank look and he’d start to argue even though he doesn’t know the book half as well as I do. Did I mention it’s Latvian pig milk blue cheese? Cause it is.

And that never ends well because I always pretend there’s a book called “Generals” that has three numbers instead of two just to see if anyone is paying attention. You’d be surprised how many people get caught thinking that Generals is a real book. If they catch me I can easily fall back on “Did I say Generals? Sorry… Judges!” It’s actually a very versatile book, being in both the new and old testament, and it says that homosexuality is okay, that driving SUVs is bad, and it explains once and for all how Jesus dies and comes back leads to bunnies and chocolate.

I think one of my biggest problems is that I’m actually a huge asshole who likes to play Emperor’s New Clothes with the unwitting. I get so bored talking to mortals, and it’s soooo hard being nice and friendly all the time. It’s either fucking with people or serial murder, honestly and I can’t be bothered to come up with clever clues to leave for some rouge cop who doesn’t play by the rules but gets results.

June 19, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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