I'll come up with something in a minute.

Question

Is there going to be a picture of Gov. Sanford reading a newspaper tomorrow? Perhaps a video of him discussing the latest sports game? It just seems odd that he vanished, his wife hasn’t even heard from him, but his staff claims they’ve been talking to him every few minutes. But the LT. Gov’s office claims that’s not true. And why a plane in Atlanta?

What I find so odd is that no one seems to be able to find the guy. Truth be told, they don’t even seem to be looking that hard. Should we be worried? Should we not be worried? Has his staff killed him? Was he about to be arrested? Was it because of Naked Hiking Day? Is it Cthulu? It’s Cthulu isn’t it?

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June 23, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Played out list

I started compiling this list in my head about a year ago, and I started writing it about a month ago. I just keep seeing things that make me think “Are we still into that?”

None of these things are really bad, in fact most of them are really cool. It’s just that they’re so popular that I’ve grown tired of them. Some of them weren’t that strong to begin with, some just got over used. This is the start of my list of things that are totally played out for me. You may not agree, but just remember you’re wrong. You want Fancy to start thinking you’re Betty White? Alright then.

Before we talk about what’s on my list of things that are played out, lets talk about one item that isn’t on this list.

Dr. Who.

If this were 1988, Dr. Who wouldn’t be on this list because I was never a Who fan to begin with. However, Dr. Who did get played out and then some. In fact, after the concept was totally played out, they went on for another Doctor or two. HOWEVER! Then the Doctor went into the wilderness for about 15 years, returning only once and then it was just long enough to discover it wasn’t time to return yet. There’s more to the story than that, but you can read wikipedia on your own time. After those long years out in the cold, Dr. Who came back as a different sort of show while maintaining the things that had always caused fans to love it so. It’s rare a program can return in this fashion and still be as popular if not more popular than it was originally.

I will call this the Who Method and for some of the things I’m about to suggest it would do a lot to reinvigorate the franchise in question. I’d almost say that the Who Method worked for Bond, but while I like Daniel Craig I think Bond should have spent a few more years in the wilderness to fully wipe itself clean.

That’s enough of the set up though, let us now view the list.

Batman
Started: With the 1989 movie. (unless you’re actually a comic book reader and then it started with Dark Knight Returns a few years earlier)
Since the Tim Burton Movie, Batman has been a permanent fixture. There has always been a movie on the horizon, a TV show, some major event in the comic books, or even a new video game that is ready to assault the faithful and make them remember who their favorite goth-emo lunatic is. That’s part of the problem though, Batman never goes away and his character traits have basically narrowed down to a guy who hangs out in a basement wearing tights with young boys. Frank Miller’s Goddamn Batman is almost the culmination of everything Batman has become in the last 20 years. I haven’t seen anything new or interesting said about the idea of Batman in some time. The closest thing to a new idea was the whole Az-Bat thing. Do you want to go back to those days again? Even when you see what looks like a new idea, it probably isn’t. It’s just been this is the first time it’s been said in one of the movies, or this is the first time it’s been in a cartoon, but Batman hasn’t had anything new to add for a while now.

Solution: Batman needs the Who Method I think. A few years away, let him relax for a while, and then bring in some people with a sense of humor to write him. I’m just asking for a change before he gets into cutting and crying that no one understands him to his LiveJournal. He already wears all that black eye make up.

Wolverine (and by extension the X-Men in general)
Started: The early to mid-Eighties.
It began in the eighties, but it exploded in the nineties. Wolverine has been a joke for a long time among those who aren’t smitten with the shorter than average mutant. Those who don’t love him have seen his popularity rise and fall, but he’s been pretty much on the rise ever since the X-Men movies got going. One could argue that the whole X-Men thing, mutants, X-Books… all of it is played out. They almost were destroyed by the great comic book crash of the nineties, but they managed to survive and reach popular fame instead of just cult status. However, Wolverine is just boring. Okay, he’s got the attitudes of an animal, he’s a loner and he’s got them claws of his. That’s about all everything, right? Oh, the memory thing, forgot about that. Actually, the popularity of the character is one of the major things that ruined him. He was in every issue of every book Marvel published for a while there, I got sick of looking at him. The hints and teasing of his origins just bored me because I knew they’d never tell it, since mystery is so much better, and when they did tell the backstory, it sucked.

Solution: I was never that interested in Wolverine, so I don’t know if some time in the wilderness would help. Besides, he spends all his free time in the wilderness already.

Final Fantasy 7
Started: In 1997 on the Sony Playstation.
Let’s get the first joke out of the way. If it’s a final fantasy, how can there be so many of them? If it’s the final fantasy of this world, WHY WON’T IT END? Seven wasn’t even that good a game. The graphics sucked the characters were cardboard cut outs, the story was bland and you only get a chubby for Sephiroth because he popped your “interesting bad guy” cherry. Allow me to let you in on a little secret, your first is rarely your best. Move on. And don’t get me started on how the gravity of that world must be about half what it is on earth to allow them to carry those stupid swords. Seriously, compensate much? It has a movie, some sequels, remakes, comic books, and every time I get tricked into seeing a Dear Friends concert the entire audience wets themselves when they play One Winged Angel at the end. I can’t believe how strong the smell of urine suddenly got when all these guys saw a picture of a video game character on a screen in a concert hall.

Solution: Nothing can help this. It must be destroyed. Purged from the earth with fire LOVERLY FIRE!

Spider-Man
Started: It didn’t really get going hardcore until the movie, but it started long before that.
Spider-Man is a personal favorite of mine, and he’s been played out for a while really. I felt he was played out before the movie came along top be honest, what with him being shoe horned into every book Wolverine wasn’t in that week. They’d put him in other books just in the hopes of boosting sales of crappy titles they knew were going no where. He was always one of the toys when Marvel felt like pimping their line to a toy company. For about 15 years, there have always been Spider-Man toys on sale and Spidey’s branded merch has been chocking K-Marts for at least as long as Batman has. There were also a handful of cartoons, but I didn’t watch any of them so I can’t really comment. Spider-Man has been almost as ubiquitous as Batman has for a good long time, but he lacked the one ting Batman had because the Spider-Man movie… had a history. But when Sam Raimi came along and said he didn’t know the meaning of the word Widowmaker and was a little hazy on what viscosity meant too, then Spider-Man exploded in a way that was really impressive seeing as the marketing shrapnel had pretty much scattered all over the area already. And then there was One More Day, but we don’t want to talk about that right now. We don’t want to talk about what the bad man did to Spidey and we don’t want to show on the doll where he hurt us, we just want the evil man gone and we want Mary Jane back. Krusty is coming, Krusty is coming, Krusty is coming…

Solution: Fire Quesada. Retcon One More Day out of existence. Let Spidey rest for a while, he could use the rest.

Princesses
Started: Tricky. Princesses have been around for sometime.
The whole concept of princesses just pisses me off. Every girl in fantasy is a princess, every girl in sci-fi manages to be a princess, every fairy tale has a princess and we’re all supposed to tell our daughters that they’re pretty princesses who will get to ride ponies who are also princesses if they’re very good and eat their broccoli… which is also a princess. It’s not that I have something against royalty, I just think they should be lined up against a wall and shot. It’s that I get annoyed when it’s always a princess and never a normal girl. Oh sure, you can point out the ONE movie where it wasn’t a princess, but I can then point out a dozen movies where it was. More often than not, the princess isn’t even really a person in the stories. She’s an object to be bartered, won, stolen or otherwise exchanged. Even when she is sort of proactive, you know deep down she’s just going to be a submissive royal person when the adventure is done, and then you marry (read: dominate) her to your mighty will. You’ll get to marry her and live like her parasitic relatives sucking off the labor of the working classes like a leech attached to a man’s leg all the while crushing the vibrant spirit that first attracted you. Until one night, drunk on whisky and the virtue of some peasant woman who only sleeps with you to prevent you from selling her children into slavery, but of course you couldn’t get it up because you’re such a pathetic drunk, you beat the princess to death with an arm chair, proving you never ever saw her as a person in the first place but only another possession. Some great hero you turned out to be. You disgust me. I don’t have unresolved issues! YOU have unresolved issues. I’m fine!

Solution: Stop with the princesses. No. Really. Stop. Just have a girl doing well for herself who isn’t of royal personage. Drop the royalty angle all together and quit social climbing because the tofts will never accept you anyway. Just become democratic and let the normal girls in on the extraordinary adventures. And start writing some decent parts for women. SRSLY!

Zombies
Started: Well, let’s say with Night of the Living Dead
I love a good zombie movie, and I love a good zombie game. Night, Dawn and Day of the dead are some fine movies. Dead Rising (Otis not withstanding*) is a hell of a lot of fun to play. You see what I did there though? I left out about 900 movies and 87 games, because a lot of zombie stuff is just plain old bad. Even stuff with a big budget can be bad, though the advertising budgets ensure someone will get wrapped up in the hype and claim it’s the best thing since Wayne Newton. Zombies have been getting a lot of attention the last few years and that means they’re getting played out pretty badly. What I find odd though is that it’s only in movies and games that I feel this way. Zombie Walks? Still sound like a good idea and a lot of fun, even if they don’t have the same impact that they did a few years ago.
*Seriously! Can I take your call later Otis? I’m not being rude, there’s just a zombie trying to eat my face at the moment.

Solution: Give it three to five years and the whole zombie thing will probably shuffle back to the grave for a few years on its own. Zombies have been played out before, they went to the wilderness, they’re smarted than you think.

There are probably other things, but these are all I can think of right now.

June 23, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment