I'll come up with something in a minute.

Punchline

And the guy says “Wrecked ‘im? Damn near killed him!”

It’s not funny, but the girls laugh if I walk into a room and say that.

Another joke that Syd laughed at recently.

An oxygen atom and a gold atom go to a bar. After about a dozen drinks they decide to leave. Before they go the gold atom says “Hang on, hang on! I’ve lost an electron.” to which the Oxygen atom says “You sure?” and the gold atom says “Yeah, I’m positive!”

Again, not funny, but they laugh.

Here, read this.

August 14, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

My thoughts while watching Watchmen

I’m just about to hit play, we’ll see what we’ve got…

Live notes about Zack Snyder’s Watchmen, a Zack Snyder film, directed by Zack Snyder

He really doesn’t get the disparity between super powered beings and normal people does he? These people are hurling each other across entire 50 foot long rooms and punching fists through walls and making 20 foot leaps in a single bound.

Can someone PLEASE take the slo-mo cam away from this movie? Please? This movie isn’t 5 minutes over and I’m already sick to fucking death of it.

Cops that shoot before yelling, “Police!” or indeed anything at all. Minus ten thousand points from Gryffindor for that one stereotype alone. I hate that fucking shit.

Why is this so fucking lifeless? You could have put paper cut outs on sticks and gotten roughly the same emotional level.

Did Zack get a Best of the 60s and Best of the 80s CD for his birthday?

Does he think he’s trying to remake Double Indemnity? No, that would show culture and intellect beyond his years, probably Chinatown then.

Sweet Merciful fuck! Ride of the Valkyries for the Vietnam scene? Really? Does this asshole have not one original thought in that empty fucking head of his?

I don’t hate the redesigned costumes, and some of the panel recreations are sort of nice, but I got over needing to see panels recreated with Sin City. You did some design work, try drawing your own story boards.

HEY! The Guy who played Fred Durkin on Nero Wolfe is in this.

Again with the not understanding what humans can and can’t do. I wouldn’t complain, but every fight has been so very overblown and the whole POINT is that the actual superhuman Dr. Manhattan made non-super powered costumed heroes obsolete.

And instead of kicking a few asses and sending guys packing, Dreiberg and Laurie just go ahead and kill people.

Oh what is this bullshit? They drag Janie Slater out to ambush Dr. M? And then she pulls off her wig and screams at him in the most obvious orchestration EVAR!

The music from Koyaanisqatsi? Really? Are you serious? Really? The music from Koyaanisqatsi? Are you fucking kidding me?

Jeeze, they made everybody in this movie a murder didn’t they? Dr. M just exploded some people in the bloodiest way they could get away with.

This chick playing Laurie just CAN NOT ACT! It’s not because she’s supposed to be playing a brat, it’s not because she’s supposed to be sort of unlikable, she just can’t fucking act for shit.

This fuel shortage plotline is just bullshit. I know Zack Snyder is too stupid to understand the whole squid thing, but this replacement is just bullshit.

God, it’s like a movie made by a twelve year old with all the bloo… HOLY SHIT! THEY JUST SHOT ST. LEE OF IACOCCA! What the fuck is wrong with these people?

Do you suppose Snyder has ever seen Taxi Driver? You think he even knows that Rorschach is a Travis Bickle clone?

Odd, how everyone in this movie went to learn Kung Fu as the same school as Jason Bourne. Don’t you find that odd? Even when he was a kid Rorschach could take Neo out. I find that odd.

This isn’t even needlessly gory, we’ve gone past that. This is stupidly bloody. It’s just plain dumb. And why have Rorschach hack the guy to pieces with a clever when it was so much more satisfying to burn him alive? Because Zack Snyder is just plain stupid is why. He just doesn’t fucking get it. He thinks killing is power, and that should cause terror, where as the real power is in the extension of pain. You make them hurt longer, you make death the release. What you do in the end is you make them want what they previously thought was the worst that could happen to them. Fucking idiot just thinks killing is the worst you can do.

The guy playing Night Owl actually seems to get his character. The guy playing Rorschach gets it too. The guy playing the Comedian looks like the character, but I’m not sure he fully understands him. And Dr. M has the schlong of John Holmes.

And yet, no titties. All this blood, Dr M’s massive member, and not a single boob among them. Zack, with this and 300… is there something you want to tell us?

OH FUCK NOT THAT FUCKING HALLELUJAH SONG AGAIN! I mean, it’s not even a hot fucking scene, but what little there is here is killed by that fucking Hallelujah song. And would a full figured woman who had… you know, like, tits worth looking at be too much to ask? She has the body of a deformed 15-year-old boy for fuck’s sake.

And now someone is boxing to… okay I can’t remember the name of the song but it’s the music they used at the beginning of Raging Bull.

Why even bother having Bubastis in the movie? He was a first experiment toward making the squid, why have him if there is no squid?

AND THEY FUCK UP THE REPUBLIC VILLIAN LINE! Assholes!!

If you Nuke all these cities, won’t each side just use the event as an excuse to nuke the fuck out of the other? Why would they wait to figure out if it was his energy signature or whatever bullshit they came up with? How do they work that out when a city has just been destroyed? They get their info pretty fuckin’ quick in the 80s, let me tell you. And why not just bomb the fuck out of the rest of Russia? Who else knows about this energy wave signature? Couldn’t the governments that are left make up and story they want? It’s not like a huge fuckin’ squid was left in the middle of New York to rot in the sun to disprove the bullshit.

No, I don’t buy it for a second.

Making Manhattan the monster is stupid. They made him a god and he became angry and destroyed the world and they turn against him? Do people turn against their gods? How many atheists suddenly turned up in NOLA after Katrina? Not many, I’m going to bet. People don’t turn against gods, they beg to be forgiven for whatever it was that they did wrong. Further more, the alien invasion was meant to be an attack from a complete outsider, someone that everyone could hate without any reservation. It was giving a perfect outsider to line up against. It’s a fucking Ronald Regan speech for Christ’s sake! You can’t have someone we have a connection with if you want a complete unknowable outsider. Dumbasses.

And Veidt isn’t even defeated in the end. He’s punched a few times and Dan tries to tell him off, but he wins since Dan’s complaint isn’t even particularly coherent much less convincing. In the comic Jon told Veidt he was an asshole and made it stick, before walking off, leaving Veidt without the approval he craved. Here, it’s just stupid. They’re trying to be clever, with something they’ve made stupid and they have no idea how to end it. In the end their just going through the motions but they don’t understand what their doing so it’s hollow and meaningless. You can’t out smart Alan Moore you fucktards.

Movie’s over, I’m done.

Zack Snyder remains a Goddamn idiot.

Quick Version: It’s not exactly bad, it’s just lifeless and stupid. It wants to be clever, but it can’t because the filmmakers weren’t smart enough. I’m not pissed though. I’m not going to rant and rave for days. I probably won’t even think about it, it made no solid impression beyond confirming what I was already told. In a way, that’s probablyt worse, which is fitting.

August 14, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Never is a very strong word

There has been a new group of articles on Cinematical called “Movies I’ll Never See” which promised to be interesting, but hasn’t lived up to that promise yet. The one on Schindler’s List proved to be more a blind criticism than a good reason for skipping the film and in my view blind criticisms are wrong. I would have been interested in reading why this person stayed away and continues to stay away, but it turned out to be trashing the film for what they heard about it. It smacks of laziness in my mind. Had the person simply left it at “Spielberg dropped off in quality after 1989 and I have no interest in the subject matter” I wouldn’t be bothering here, but the writer went on to attack bits of the movie without seeing it and that bothers me.

However, I have great sympathy with the sentiment of not wanting to see some popular movies. I get sort of offended when someone tells me “Oh, you have to watch *fill in the mindless piece of dreck that made 100 million dollars here* because it’s just the best thing evar!” because I’m a busy guy and I’ll decide for myself what I must and must not see thank you very much. Besides, if you’re one of those people who tells me I must see something, there will probably be another Best Thing Evar in a few minutes because they seem to come along like buses for you people. Yeah, I know that’s offensive language, but a lot of this shit is stupid and repetitive and having people tell me I’m required to read it makes me feel like I’m in school and being assigned some book that no adult would read on their own because it’s a painfully dull piece of shit that destroyed the writers career in the first place. I’m looking at you Moby Dick!*

I strayed there for a second, let me get back on point. There are always good reasons to skip a film, and there should be no expectation to have to see it. If a person who knows you and knows what you enjoy says you probably won’t enjoy it, you can safely give it a miss. Just because the masses love something is no reason to rush out and watch something. The masses aren’t smart, and the fact that people who like reality TV also like a given film will only draw me further away. There are hundreds of new movies released every year, even if I wanted to watch them all I couldn’t.

Let’s take a suggestion I had recently, that I rejected outright. Recently, someone said that I would be lost at sea as far as Western Civilization goes if I didn’t see The Dark Knight. I would be laughed at by my peers, of which I have none, and my family would abandon me, the ones that I still even bother talking to, for my ignorance of this singularity of cinematic perfection and blah blah fucking blah oh Heath Ledger was so scary as the Joker, blah blah blah. You may now picture me miming of jacking off.

Yeah, I still haven’t seen it and I probably won’t ever see it. You may think this odd, but let me ask you, as I asked them, do you want to live in a world where I have a valid opinion about that movie? Wouldn’t you rather live in a world where I don’t explain why I didn’t like it with arguments that will build a little home in your brain and jump out at you when you try to watch it again leaving you on the floor sobbing and muttering “he was right, he’s always right” while your family gathers around wondering what your problem is? I’ve made Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer unwatchable for people. There are folks who can’t watch Batman Begins after talking to me. I once accidentally turned a person against The Princess Bride when I thought I was tearing the movie down as a joke.

I haven’t liked any of Christopher Nolan’s movies so far. I thought Batman Begins was so lousy I broke up with Hollywood over it, and haven’t been to a Hollywood production since besides some Matt Damon movies and the Lucasfilm hatesex of Crystal Skull. I suspect quite strongly that Christian Bale might actually be a T-100 since he’s the only actor I’ve ever seen more wooden and emotionless than Keanu Reeves. The few clips I have seen of the movie have no encouraged me since I predicted the big line or shock from each one before it happened while rolling my eyes and using that voice Holly hates. So yeah, not going to watch it because I’m very sure I would not enjoy myself. I’m also not going to speak ill against it though, because it would be unfair to tell people it sucked from a few bits that might not represent it. It might be as wonderful as some people have said, but I strongly doubt it and I don’t want to risk getting that angry again to find out. It’s okay to not want to see it after a few bits (a horrendously bad trailer has kept me away from G.I. Joe) but you should just say, “not interested” or “not interested for these reasons” which should really have more to do with the other works of the artists involved and less with the movie itself.**

Besides, no one has offered to take my challenge about any of the Best Movie Evar contenders since I first offered it. The challenge is that I’ll watch it with the insisting person, if they sit quietly and listen to everything I have to say during and after the movie. There will be question and answer time so they can prove t their satisfaction that I did indeed see and understand the whole thing. The second part of course is that after I’ve watched what they insist must be seen, I get to make them watch something of my choosing. There must be another question and answer session at the end of that movie as well, to make sure they understood all the themes and ideas expressed. Then a smile a very sweet smile and mutter things like “Swedish Cinema” and “Impenetrable Symbolism” before going for my most delightful attack “Silent Horror!” At this point they don’t think it’s so important that I watch the movie. They often also decide that they’d very much like to leave at that point and tend to run away if I haven’t strapped them down while singing the “We’re going see it with subtitles” song at them. You want to see a look of horror? Tell someone unprepared to deal with the news that… “there is no English dub on this, it’s an imported DVD. You can’t even watch this without a special player.”

The only person who would be willing to take my challenge is my father, and he’s no damn fun at that game because he invented it. So when he got a copy of Watchmen and said, “I would like to know what you think about it” I could only take it and promise to give it a try. So that’s what I’m going to do now, I’m going to give it a try. No promises on finishing it though, as I’m extremely biased against both Hollywood and Zach Snyder.

*Actually, almost anything you get handed in HS is likely to give this reaction since assigned reading is never much good due to the fact that most kids will just try to rush through it in an attempt to get it over with and won’t absorb so much as a sentence.
**This obviously excludes considerations like “I dislike that genre” or other such exclusions which you might consider basic to your personality.

August 14, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment