I'll come up with something in a minute.

Never is a very strong word

There has been a new group of articles on Cinematical called “Movies I’ll Never See” which promised to be interesting, but hasn’t lived up to that promise yet. The one on Schindler’s List proved to be more a blind criticism than a good reason for skipping the film and in my view blind criticisms are wrong. I would have been interested in reading why this person stayed away and continues to stay away, but it turned out to be trashing the film for what they heard about it. It smacks of laziness in my mind. Had the person simply left it at “Spielberg dropped off in quality after 1989 and I have no interest in the subject matter” I wouldn’t be bothering here, but the writer went on to attack bits of the movie without seeing it and that bothers me.

However, I have great sympathy with the sentiment of not wanting to see some popular movies. I get sort of offended when someone tells me “Oh, you have to watch *fill in the mindless piece of dreck that made 100 million dollars here* because it’s just the best thing evar!” because I’m a busy guy and I’ll decide for myself what I must and must not see thank you very much. Besides, if you’re one of those people who tells me I must see something, there will probably be another Best Thing Evar in a few minutes because they seem to come along like buses for you people. Yeah, I know that’s offensive language, but a lot of this shit is stupid and repetitive and having people tell me I’m required to read it makes me feel like I’m in school and being assigned some book that no adult would read on their own because it’s a painfully dull piece of shit that destroyed the writers career in the first place. I’m looking at you Moby Dick!*

I strayed there for a second, let me get back on point. There are always good reasons to skip a film, and there should be no expectation to have to see it. If a person who knows you and knows what you enjoy says you probably won’t enjoy it, you can safely give it a miss. Just because the masses love something is no reason to rush out and watch something. The masses aren’t smart, and the fact that people who like reality TV also like a given film will only draw me further away. There are hundreds of new movies released every year, even if I wanted to watch them all I couldn’t.

Let’s take a suggestion I had recently, that I rejected outright. Recently, someone said that I would be lost at sea as far as Western Civilization goes if I didn’t see The Dark Knight. I would be laughed at by my peers, of which I have none, and my family would abandon me, the ones that I still even bother talking to, for my ignorance of this singularity of cinematic perfection and blah blah fucking blah oh Heath Ledger was so scary as the Joker, blah blah blah. You may now picture me miming of jacking off.

Yeah, I still haven’t seen it and I probably won’t ever see it. You may think this odd, but let me ask you, as I asked them, do you want to live in a world where I have a valid opinion about that movie? Wouldn’t you rather live in a world where I don’t explain why I didn’t like it with arguments that will build a little home in your brain and jump out at you when you try to watch it again leaving you on the floor sobbing and muttering “he was right, he’s always right” while your family gathers around wondering what your problem is? I’ve made Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer unwatchable for people. There are folks who can’t watch Batman Begins after talking to me. I once accidentally turned a person against The Princess Bride when I thought I was tearing the movie down as a joke.

I haven’t liked any of Christopher Nolan’s movies so far. I thought Batman Begins was so lousy I broke up with Hollywood over it, and haven’t been to a Hollywood production since besides some Matt Damon movies and the Lucasfilm hatesex of Crystal Skull. I suspect quite strongly that Christian Bale might actually be a T-100 since he’s the only actor I’ve ever seen more wooden and emotionless than Keanu Reeves. The few clips I have seen of the movie have no encouraged me since I predicted the big line or shock from each one before it happened while rolling my eyes and using that voice Holly hates. So yeah, not going to watch it because I’m very sure I would not enjoy myself. I’m also not going to speak ill against it though, because it would be unfair to tell people it sucked from a few bits that might not represent it. It might be as wonderful as some people have said, but I strongly doubt it and I don’t want to risk getting that angry again to find out. It’s okay to not want to see it after a few bits (a horrendously bad trailer has kept me away from G.I. Joe) but you should just say, “not interested” or “not interested for these reasons” which should really have more to do with the other works of the artists involved and less with the movie itself.**

Besides, no one has offered to take my challenge about any of the Best Movie Evar contenders since I first offered it. The challenge is that I’ll watch it with the insisting person, if they sit quietly and listen to everything I have to say during and after the movie. There will be question and answer time so they can prove t their satisfaction that I did indeed see and understand the whole thing. The second part of course is that after I’ve watched what they insist must be seen, I get to make them watch something of my choosing. There must be another question and answer session at the end of that movie as well, to make sure they understood all the themes and ideas expressed. Then a smile a very sweet smile and mutter things like “Swedish Cinema” and “Impenetrable Symbolism” before going for my most delightful attack “Silent Horror!” At this point they don’t think it’s so important that I watch the movie. They often also decide that they’d very much like to leave at that point and tend to run away if I haven’t strapped them down while singing the “We’re going see it with subtitles” song at them. You want to see a look of horror? Tell someone unprepared to deal with the news that… “there is no English dub on this, it’s an imported DVD. You can’t even watch this without a special player.”

The only person who would be willing to take my challenge is my father, and he’s no damn fun at that game because he invented it. So when he got a copy of Watchmen and said, “I would like to know what you think about it” I could only take it and promise to give it a try. So that’s what I’m going to do now, I’m going to give it a try. No promises on finishing it though, as I’m extremely biased against both Hollywood and Zach Snyder.

*Actually, almost anything you get handed in HS is likely to give this reaction since assigned reading is never much good due to the fact that most kids will just try to rush through it in an attempt to get it over with and won’t absorb so much as a sentence.
**This obviously excludes considerations like “I dislike that genre” or other such exclusions which you might consider basic to your personality.

August 14, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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