I'll come up with something in a minute.

Does anyone want to buy these goods that I stole off someone who actually worked for them?

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stand and deliver. We will be boarding your ship in a moment and taking control of any and all goods aboard as well as stealing the ship. All you men, my band of merry cutthroats will be killing you. Women, you’ll be soundly raped and the children, hello dears, you’ll be sold into slavery. Won’t that be nice? Anyone who resists will be killed, anyone who doesn’t resist, will probably also be killed. Once that’s done we’ll be running slaves, which we’ll use to buy molasses, which we’ll use to buy rum and then we’ll probably nip off to the orient for a while to get some really hard drugs with which to enslave the minds and souls of everyone from Europe and the Asia.

There is no point is appealing to the British crown, since most of us either are or where officers in the Royal Navy and only do this as a sort of summer holiday lark. Also, unlike your frankly bigoted version of us, that simply paints all poor Englishmen with a mish-mash of regional accents as criminals, most of us are actually fairly erudite and are quite well respected in our home communities. But of course, that’s only because they have no idea what goes on out here in the oceans.

I thank you for listening and now you really must surrender or it’s going to go even worse for you than we’re already planning.

This is my entry for Talk Like a Pirate Day. A little factual perhaps, not enough bullshit romanticism, but then I’ve got an education and there’s nothing I can do about that.

September 19, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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