I'll come up with something in a minute.

Cartoon Review: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (1973 Dir. Bill Melendez)

From his dopey, drugged out look I have to suggest he was watching “I love the 80s” on VH1

When this review was first written, this was the only other Thanksgiving special I could find in my collection. Someone told me that there are some more, but I’d have to watch TV shows I hate to find them so never mind. Using the two I’ve seen, I will now make sweeping generalizations about any and all Thanksgiving specials. They are heavily padded to make up for short scripts, they involve lots of costume changes, grandmothers not being up to the normal ideal of granmotherlyness, they all have jazz soundtracks, alternate menus for thanksgiving feature heavily as do the difficulties in food preparation and Drew Barrymore was hot in the 90s. That’s not actually part of the show, but this picture just popped up as my wallpaper and it sort of stopped me for a moment. Nothing serious but it did give me a second of “Whoa, she was hot there” and I thought I would share that moment with you as it might be the last enjoyable moment we ever share. After looking her up out of curiosity, she still looks really good actually. Enough of this tangent though! Let’s start the cartoon, shall we?

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November 19, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

NEW WORD: Martyrism

Martyrdom is something you can only achieve once. You are martyred when you are killed.

HOWEVER! Lots of people make themselves martyrs over tiny things, again and again… AND AGAIN!

If one makes themselves a martyr all the time, they are martyrizing.

As a practice, we’d say they are engaging in martyrism.

November 17, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Top 40 Movies by odd connections (Part Three)

Here is Part one of this trip
Then Part Two


This is known as a bad bungee experience

The Departed
The Departed is also full of them, you just have to work harder see it. One of them being the Scarface reference of and X showing up whenever someone is killed. There are a few others, but I’ll let you watch out for them yourself. That’s half the fun anyway. I prefer it when you happen to notice them, instead of having the movie elbow you in the side and as if you saw what they did there. The Departed of course being a movie filled people living double lives.

Does this pic scream “double life” to you? No? Me neither, but I couldn’t find anything else I liked.

Speaking of double lives…

Found between two former lovers, Godfrey gets a bit nervous.

My Man Godfrey
In My Man Godfrey, William Powell leads a double life, but I won’t say how. This is probably my favorite screwball comedy I would have placed it higher on the list if not for the need to connect things. If I knew flash, I would just make this a 3D cloud with lines connecting the movies and then make the names bigger or smaller depending on where they sat in the ranking. But I don’t, so I can’t, so I won’t. Anyway, about Godfrey. He’s found in a shantytown placed in a junk yard, where no man has business actually living. We keep going back there to see other men living in a place where a man shouldn’t live.

At least they get new building material delivered on site.

There are other movies of people staying where they shouldn’t…

I can’t find Deadwood on anywhere. This must really be the end of the world.

Dawn of the Dead
Another place where people shouldn’t have to live is in a shopping mall’s upper story like they do in Dawn of the Dead. There is a lot going on in Dawn, a lot of commentary and satire that I found missing from the remake. This version isn’t perfect, but the remake was a hollow shell of stereotypes by comparison. I really, really hated the remake. It was dull and annoying. However, THIS version is probably the best of the Dead series, so that’s something. The point is that instead of running off in a bus that was fitted to be a tank-bus (Really? Honestly?) the remaining heroes in this proper horror movie escape by chopper. Escaping by helicopter is very much the point here.

Again with the improper use of equipment.

Just like…

Quit singing “Suicide is Painless” Bob. It’s just not funny.

Where Charlie Sheen’s character gets away via chopper at the end of the movie. There is a certain horror element to this movie as well, but the shuddering shambling wrecks in this film are still actually men instead of zombies. I wonder if this movie counts as a “no women” film because while there are women that have lines, none of them are in English to my recollection. While things are bad for women in film, there are only a handful of movies that completely leave women out all together. I think this is one if you count non-English that isn’t translated as not speaking. Charlie Sheen’s character also writes endless letters to his grandmother, giving himself a narration to fill the dark spots of the story. The narration serves as a journal for the listening.

Dear Mom & Dad, camp is a little strange…

Where else do we find journal entries?

Oh I’d totally leave a kid with these guys, wouldn’t you?

In Kikujiro, there is a frame of a photo diary. Masao, shows us what he did on his vacation, but since he lives with his grandmother, it’s very likely he’s showing it to her. The movie is a bit episodic, but it’s not one of those films that you could re-edit into any order. The two main characters slowly grow closer together as we go along until the end. This is a little but of a strange movie, but it works for me and I’m delighted to pair it with the former choice. In the first section of the movie, the two travelers go gambling, betting on bike races.

My money’s on the one in blue. I like the color blue. Favorite color.

Gabling as a story device? Who knew you could do such a thing in a movie?

Keep your eye on the ball gentlemen, eye on the ball. Yes, the one you can’t see under the cup.

Fearless Hyena
Gambling gets Jackie Chan’s character into some problems in Fearless Hyena. That ultimately leads to the plot of him being a teacher who takes on all challengers, which then leads to the actual plot of revenge and emotional kung-fu. It’s the being a teacher that gets the attention of the bad guys, which leads to them killing his grandfather, which leads to the delicious revenge, which is cold… like gazpacho soup!

“My back is killing me.” HA! It’s funny cause he archs his back then dies. Get it? Ah, what’d you know about comedy?

Vengeance could take us anywhere, but let’s go to the most obvious place, kay?

Life altering tragedy in 3, 2, 1…

Batman of course also needs to avenge his dead parents. At least that’s his story. Let’s face it, Batman is a nut and was looking for an excuse. He’s just the ultimate emo basement dweller wearing eyeliner and putting his cutting record on LJ for all the other emo kids to read. And he wears a mask, because you gotta wear a mask to hide your identity and your fear man. Crap this guys is emo! I bet in later movies the daddy issues get really out of hand, he makes his voice all gravely, they action becomes unwatchable and a new highly over-rated Joker stuffs his girlfriend in a refrigerator. Anyway, Masks!

Oh hell, I don’t know. Fill in your own caption, I’ve been looking at this shot for ten minutes and can’t come up with anything.

Where else do we have masks?

He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?

The Promise
There is a mask that hides identity in The Promise as well. Actually, it does more than that. The wacky misunderstanding of who exactly is behind the mask is a great deal of what drives the movie’s plot. I say plot, but really it’s a lot of scenes stitched together. It’s a fairly funny film, but it doesn’t really work. There is a lot of mythology mixed up in the story. The story is set in motion by characters from mythology showing up and being all wacky at the people. It’s quite and interesting movie, shame it’s really only useable as MST3K material.

Gonna be honest with you kid. I’m higher than you are right now, and you’re seeing me. So consider how fucked up I am at this moment.

Mythology gets you into trouble if you don’t respect it.

I did warn you about crossing the streams.

Raiders of the Lost Ark
Mythology comes and bites the disrespectful in the butt in Raiders of the Lost Ark as well. The Nazis got quite messed up at the end of that movie. Now, I could go almost anywhere from here, since Raiders has it all. Again, if I were doing a flat out numerical list, this wouldn’t be here. Raiders would be number two and we’d be talking about whips and dragging behind trucks and shooting the guy with the sword and all of that. However, we’re doing this by connection, so we go from the number two movie on my list to the number five entry. And of course, Indy ends up with nothing.

In the Maytag warehouse, that repair guy hides away one of the Maytags that didn’t work. The secret must be kept!

Who else ends up with nothing?

He gives them all the gold so they can get away.

The samurai in Yojimbo of course, who ends up with nothing and walks away from the whole situation. This is a really hard movie to parse in traditional terms. There is something really wonderful about the guy who does right just to do it, but at the same time being totally out of patience with the whole world. He doesn’t seem to like anyone, he seems to be all about the money, and yet he walks away with nothing but the knowledge of having taken the town out and the feeling of a job well done. Yeah, he walks the whole time. That’ll be important next week.

Walking away, and being more badass than any 20 characters played by Bruce, Clint, Arnold or Sly.

More walking next week. Stay Tuned.

November 17, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Sometimes they just jump out at me.

So, it seems that Miyamoto Musashi once fought a whale. With, like, a sword and shit.

I wouldn’t shit you.

You know, I keep thinking that I’ve seen it all. I keep thinking nothing can shock me. You’d think after The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife there wouldn’t be anymore surprises in store for me. But a samurai, surfing on a right whale, and getting ready to stick it in the back with his sword?

Yeah, sometimes stuff just sumps out and reminds me that the world is a seriously messed up place.

November 14, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Cartoon Review: Garfield’s Thanksgiving

Garfield’s Thanksgiving (1989 Dir. Phil Roman)

Even Garfield can’t believe he’s in this stupid special.

You know what I’ve discovered recently, I hate Garfield. It’s really sad when the best part of your cartoon is that Lou Rawls sings the song over your credit sequence. It’s doubly sad because I always sort of saw that as an attempt to copy the Peanuts Specials with their use of Vince Guaraldi’s jazz music. Of course since Garfield was a cynical and calculated attempt to cash in on what had gone before, it pretty much measures up. I hate to be really nasty, but it is true that Garfield hasn’t been funny in 20 years and these specials pinpoint that fact. There is a joke in here that shows up in all three of the specials on this DVD, pretty much at the same time in each one too. It’s pretty sad to see how little effort went into each of these cartoons.

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November 14, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

I Wrestle Sharks

Guys, let’s have a talk real quick. We’ve got saying where I come from… “Go big or go home.”

If you’re going to lie to a woman, don’t tell a little lie. If you must be dishonest, tell a whopper of a lie that no one will ever take seriously, but tell it like you’ve got photos and documents in your wallet to prove every word. Don’t tell her you’re the manager of the I.T. department when you’re really the assistant manager… tell her you wrestle sharks! She’s going to assume you’re building yourself up a little anyway, might as well strain the very fabric of credulity and reality.

Now you can’t just leave it at “I wrestle sharks” of course, you’ve got dress it up in that dress you like and make it strut in front of the audience. You’ve got make that line seem like it has a shred of plausibility.

On my shark example…
“You know those documentaries where they get the close up shots of sharks? Well they don’t like using a cage these days, so someone has to watch out for the cameraman while the get the footage. So I swim near by and if any great white looks like it’s getting to close I get it in a headlock and give it a noogie.”

Don’t leave it hanging like that though, you’ve got to explain which documentaries you’ve worked on, what channel she can see them on, and how that has made you capable of making the perfect omelet. Obviously, you add that the perfect omelet can only be made in the morning after a night of sheet tearing sex.

If you don’t think you can pull off the shark wrestler thing, you could try a different tact…
“You ever read the comic strip The Phantom? I do body modeling for them. I pose for The Phantom actually, sometimes for Mary Worth as well. Not the torso, obviously, another guy does that. I do the hands for The Phantom. I can throw a still punch better than anybody else in modern comic strips, except the guy who does Mark Trail of course. That guy’s an artist though, you can’t compete with him. If you’ve got a newspaper, I can show you some of my work.”

Now if you think you can’t even pull that off, you can try something truly bizarre.
“I design leaves for a biotech firm. Have you seen those oaks outside the new town hall? Yeah, those are mine. It’s a totally new strain of leaf that turns a trade marked shade of orange. I didn’t do the color though, I designed the shape. If you look carefully, all the leaves on those trees are perfectly uniform, you’ll always get the same leaf from one of our trees.”

From there on out, you’re on your own obviously. I don’t condone lying to women anyway, I am only suggesting that if you do it then don’t tell these boring little lies.

November 12, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

In the Cabinet (Part Eleven)


In The Cabinet

A Jack Collier Short

By Brett N. Lashuay


Last week’s entry can be found here.




Day Eleven: Jack The Cat and the Murderer


            It may not be a surprise to you that my trip took me back to the house I’d been at when Knock decided to use my left hand as a testing pad for his sap. The sick fucker behind all this had probably watched from the window as Knock smacked my hand, which was now swollen and blackened. I would have to go to the doctor, get an x-ray at least. I squeezed my fingers closed, which caused an incredible amount of pain. The hand would close and open though, which meant I could go ahead with my plan. As I rested it on the steering wheel and hooked my thumb around the wheel, I noticed the arthritis in my right hand was hurting as well. That was nice, it’s always helpful when both sides get together and pitch in. Teamwork, that’s what I like.


            I noticed something different when I pulled up to the house though and I felt a new anger growing up as my lights passed over it. I got out the car and approached he large oak tree in the front yard. From one of the lower branches, a cat had been lynched. It was a completely black cat, hung by a formerly white piece of rope that looked like it might have started out life as a clothesline.


            I couldn’t stand to leave it there, besides there was the chance that it might not be dead yet. Of course it would be, with its legs waving in the growing wind, but I was going to make a stand with this one. Alive or dead, I was going to cut this animal down and I was going to take it into the house. There are some things I can’t stand, and some bastard hanging a cat is one of them.


            I’d never replaced my jackknife after I’d broken the blade off in Chester Cat’s thick skull. At this point though, I wasn’t terribly worried about that fucking monster seeing that I had the bowie knife on me. I pulled the knife out with my sore left hand and took hold of the cat under its chest at the rib cage. I can’t really explain why, but something inside me made me want to treat it as if it were still alive. I gently cut the rope away and set the cat down on the ground before slipping the knife back in place.


            As I pulled the noose away, I noticed that one of the cat’s eyes had been taken out sometime ago by violence. The place where the eye would have been was puffy and pink, missing a lot of hair but having more than enough scar tissue to replace it. I was going to kill the fucker, that should be clear by now, but I decided after noticing that fact it was going to take a bit longer and it was going to be a great deal nastier. I was going to make this a grisly, nasty kill, with lots of blood and screaming. I picked the lifeless animal up in my arms and stroked the cat’s soft fur as I walked to the front door. When I opened the door and walked in I heard a voice coming from where I thought the study was.


            “That seems to have taken longer than it should have.” The voice came from my right.


            “I came as fast as I could.” I said walking into the study and setting the cat down on a black velvet chair that the cat was likely never allowed on in life.


            Sam Hain wasn’t ancient, but he was old. A ring of white hair crowned his head, but his face was fairly free of wrinkles. He looked at me, setting his pen down on the paper he was writing on. He leaned back in his large throne like chair, which had imps and goblins carved into the wood. His eyes fixed on me and his tongue moved around inside his lips.


            “Jack Collier.” He announced, and I could hear the lilt of his Irish origin in his voice. “The private detective.”


            “Here Peter Quince.” I responded, taking a step towards his desk. “Why the cat Sam?”


            “Not why Rebecca?” He asked lacing his fingers together and laying his forearms down on his desk as he leaned forward. “Or why all those other victims?”


            “Why the cat?” I asked. “We’ll get to the others. We’ve got time.”

            “Have we?” He asked smiling. “Aren’t the agents of justice winging their way to us now?”


            “No.” I shook my head. “No one knows you’re here but me. Why the cat?”


            “If one is going to perform a scorched earth campaign, one must scorch the earth?” He smiled at me. “Have to keep one’s hand in, you know.”


            “Let’s start with Hewie.” I tried to keep my voice from growling.


            “The little queer?” he asked leaning back again and resting his left hand on the desk, right at the edge. “Who cares about him?”


            “He cared about you.” I said reaching into my coat and touching the kurki’s handle. “He loved you.”


            “That’s the little queer’s problem.” He said trying to smoothly move his hand to the desk drawer.


            My hand snapped out of the coat and swung the huge wedge shaped blade of the kukri down at the corner of his desk. I didn’t do it as fast as I could though, giving him time to pull away, and the edge cut away a bit of the corner of the desk instead of his fingers. I smacked him across the face with the back of my left hand, which exploded into pain that I couldn’t dare how. I reached over and opened the drawer myself. A small chrome pearl handled S&W sat in the drawer. I tucked the kukri back into place and hooked the gun out of the drawer with my pinky stuck through the trigger guard.


            “Lame.” I said tossing my right hand up and letting the gun slip from my finger and cascade over my shoulder. “All this time, being such a scary guy, and you go and reach for a dinky little gun?”


            I turned and walked away from the desk and towards the cat. Somewhere along the line, the cat had actually started breathing again. The animal’s single yellow-green eye was open and looking up at me. It wasn’t sitting up yet, still building up it’s strength for that I suppose. I think it may have only just woken up in fact.


            “I am not a homo.” He announced suddenly. “It’s not my fault if Hewie decided he was gonna run away with me or something.”


            I picked the cat up gently and stroked its head. It purred softly, but didn’t rub its head against me because it would have to move its neck to do so. I suspected the cat probably had quite a sore neck, but it was alive. I probably would have found it funny that the one person I thought I had no chance of saving was the one person I’d managed to save.


            “You know, it’s the fact that you’ve decided even at this late stage to deny things that annoys me.”


            “I’m not denying anything.” He snarled. “I got Hewie and Knock kill those people for me. I even got Hewie to go against his nature and fuck my daughter before killing her.”


            “But the only one you actually killed was the cat?” I looked down and stroked the animal’s head. “And didn’t even manage to do that?”


            “I managed to get Hewie to kill himself, granted he went to your office for whatever reason.” He smiled broadly. “That’s killing someone, getting them to do it themself.”


            “Whatever reason?” I asked.


            “Yes.” He nodded, “How did you get involved? I’ve read about you in the paper a couple of times, but I wasn’t aware we had any connection.”


            “You don’t remember me?” I must say I was a little surprised. “I was Becky’s best friend for all of high school and a bit beyond.”


            “Oh.” He shook his head and then shrugged. “Are you one of the boys who hung around fucking my daughter?”


            “No.” I said. “Becky and I were never fucking. I was the one she always came back to.”


            “She said she was going to see that friend of hers from school to get me out of trouble.” He said rubbing his chin. “That actually was you?”


            “Yeah.” I nodded. “That was me, like I said before.”


            “She pay you in blowjobs then?” He said it so calmly, so matter of factly, that it was supposed to elicit an explosion of rage from me. I decided it wouldn’t.


            “No.” I shook my head and said in the same soft tone he’d used, “You got your little lover boy to kill her before we could discuss payment.”


            “I told you, I’m not a fucking sissy faggot!” He shouted and pointed his finger at me. The cat leapt off my lap and ran under the chair.


            “No.” I said remaining calm. “You’re quite a butch faggot and something of a sick mind controller who likes whipping little boy rumps and sticking them with all kinds of needles and things. You give the gay community a worse name than Cruisin’ does, and yet you can only kill the cat and can’t do that right.”


            “Listen you.” He growled. “When Knock gets back we’ll cut you into little pieces together. I’ll kill you myself though.”


            “Is that what you were waiting for?” I laughed. “Unless Knock can bounce back from having the top of his head ripped off in an hour and a half I don’t think he’s coming back in time.”


            “Dead?” He asked. “You killed him?”


            “Jack the Giant Killer.” I told him. “Seven with one blow and all of that. Chief badass for the Tri-County Detroit Metro area.”


            “Did he tell you I was here before then?”


            “No.” I shook my head


            “How did you figure all this out then?” He asked looking very confused.


            “You know, everyone has this idea I’m dumb or something, like I’m just not the sharpest pencil in the box.” I complained. “But you know, even if I were as stupid as you take me for I can at least master pattern recognition. I mean Christmas pulled the exact same trick in December. Who was in the car, another innocent by stander?”


            “No.” He shook his head. “My brother died last month, and after we yanked his teeth out we used his body to make a close enough match to my DNA. Knock put his body in there, wired up with a hundred pounds of explosions or so.”


            “I see.” I nodded. “So why Becky then?”


            “My daughter would tell anyone anything, particularly over some sweated sheets.” He growled at me. “I couldn’t have her blabbing about what had happened and she’d already gone and gotten her old boyfriend involved.”


            “I told you.” I said. “I was never her boyfriend.”


            “Fuck bunny then.” He snapped. “Her daily source of protein!”


            I got up and walked around to the desk. He looked at me defiantly and I thought I saw his hand jump. I smacked him hard across the head and then grabbed his shirt and smacked his head against the desk. I then threw him across the desk and listened as a lot of objects fell both on him and the floor. Objects of glass shattered and brass ones made clanging noises. I heard a groan and I knew it was the groan of mortal terror.


            “Are you overcharged with awe?” I grabbed him by the collar and yanked him to his feet.


            I couldn’t hear his reply because my ears were filled with a thudding sound, like that of a watch when placed under a cloth. My left hand grabbed the bowie knife and it plunged straight into his heart. My right hand clutched at the kukri handle, and it swept across his neck. There was a spray of blood, but not nearly as much as I would have imagined. His body convulsed a few times, but after a second or two his eyes rolled up and breath rattled out of him.


            I heard then, quite suddenly the sound of a train. The rattle of wheels on rails, the cry of the whistle and the rumble through the floor. There were tracks half a mile from here, and I wondered for a moment if it was just a ghost train that had come for Sam’s soul. A look of peace came over his face, such as I never could have imagined might have rested there. The train kept rolling though, and I decided that it was probably just a supply train taking transmissions to a Ford plant.


            I have no way of calculating how long I stood there, watching as the blood seeped out of him and onto the floor. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen, but nothing at all happened for a long time.


            The cat had managed to stand on its own and was rubbing against my leg and making some meowing noises. I reached down and patted it on the head, and then I went to the kitchen to see if there was anything to feed this animal. As it turned out there were several cans of Fancy Feast, which I guessed meant that this had been a spur of the moment killing. I gave the cat a can on a plate and let him or her go at it. I hadn’t decided to go to the effort of discovering its sex, so I would have to say him or her for a while.


            The front door opened and five men in white jumpsuits came in. One of them looked at me and then at a device in his hand. He wore a holster on his hip, the top of which hadn’t been snapped down. He could have drawn and shot in about half a second if he wanted to.


            “Collier?” He asked.


            “That’s right.” I nodded as I took a step into the dining room, which was on the left as you came into the house.


            “We’re supposed to remove something for you.”


            “In that room.” I pointed over his shoulder to his right at the door to the study. “One body, I want the knives back please.”


            “We supposed to do anything to make it look like an accident or anything?” The one who was talking asked as the other four moved efficiently behind him.


            “He doesn’t ever need to be found.” I told him at the black cat leapt up on the table between us. “He’s already supposed to be dead.”


            “You want us to kill the cat too?” He asked nodding at the animal.


            “Do you want to?” I was a little taken aback by the suggestion.


            “No.” He said shaking his head. “But you’d be amazed what people ask me to do in this job.”


            “No, I wouldn’t.” I said picking the cat up. “The cat goes with me though.”


            “Okay.” He nodded and a thought struck me.


            “Hang on a second.” I said and walked towards them. “Can you make it look like he’s been dead longer than he has?”


            “We could cover up how long he’s been dead.” The guy said. “Is there a freezer in this place?”


            “I think so.” I thought, trying to remember. “In the basement.”


            “Let’s go look.” He walked past me and towards the basement door.


            There was a large chest freezer that was mercifully empty besides a few frozen pizzas and a price club sized box of flavor ice, but those are in every chest freezer in the Midwest. They dragged him downstairs and then went through the house wiping things they thought they might have touched. I mentioned the kitchen and they started in there as well. It might have been instructive to watch them go at it, but I had other things to do tonight still. I picked up the cat and left with him curled under my arm.


This is part eleven of thirteen, come back next week for part twelve and every Thursday until we’re done to see what happens next. If you get lost, one of the tags here should help you. The Cabinet tag will take you to the story while the Jack Tag will take you to Part One of every story we post here.

November 12, 2009 Posted by | Fiction, Jack | | Leave a comment

Thanksgiving Shows: Part Two

Today we have The Jack Benny Show from th 23rd of November 1947. Actually it’s the Lucky Strike Program, but why give a cigarette company any more advertising?

This is the pre-holiday show, leading into Thanksgiving. Only about half the show is dedicated to the obtainment of a Thanksgiving Turkey. This is pretty basic for a Jack Benny episode, it’s amusing enough though.

Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io

November 11, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment

Five things for November 10th

1. Reading In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash is going slower that I would like, but the stories are good.

2. Been watching Doki Doki School Hours, which I like, but falls apart a bit in the OVA. The cartoon is silly and seriously light on plot, but I like it. In a shocking breach of protocol, the voice acting on the dub actually isn’t bad. In a proper anime, one that follows all the rules, the dub’s voice acting should be so horrifically annoying that you want to jam a steak knife in your ear. This one isn’t too bad though. Normally I wouldn’t bother with dubs, but I sort of wanted to do something while watching the cartoon and it was easier this way.

3. Syd is trying very hard not to get sick right now. She’s being a brave little soldier, but I’m worried it’s going to catch up with her anyway. It’s creeping up on me too, I’m afraid. We need to buy some orange juice or something. Problematic since we’re low on funds until payday.

4. Right now, I would be willing to burn down the house and fake my own death to avoid having to do anything even remotely connected to any holiday.

5. These last few months have sucked. Seriously sucked in so many ways. Personal shit that I’m not going into here have caused problems and tension. A lot of “I’m disagreeing with her but I’m going to argue with you” coming from both sides. Got it mostly worked out, sort of. It seems to be okay, but everyone is still tense. That is enough to make most people depressed, but let’s combine that with my family’s inability to stay alive because of FUCKING INSURANCE COMPANIES! Oooh, I do hope that socialist white-folk hating Kenyan destroys your fucking industry and you suffer just one tenth of what you’ve done to others. Put that up with the physical symptoms of the arthritis in my poor mitts is really, really bad. My left thumb can hardly have any pressure on it today, for example. It keeps moving around, today the thumb, tomorrow the elbow, yesterday it was one of my knees. Never boring. Then you’ve got the muscle thing. If you can imagine microscopic rats gnawing at the fibers of your muscles, you can get to the feelings I’m having in my legs and arms. Enough right? No! One thing after another has gone wrong, broken, misfired, or just plain failed in a way that just writing FAIL in big block letters can’t convey. As a result of these things, many of which would be small and manageable on their own but not all coming at once, I have not been feeling at my best. I can’t even get angry at the whole thing, I’m just too tired. I am completely worn out and only have an inch or two of rope left.

If I do manage to get energetic for long enough to sustain an unhealthy anger, I think I’ll go to the headquarters of every pantheon I can find and inform them that I am not pleased by the current distribution of bullshit.

November 10, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Top 40 Movies by odd connections (Part Two)

Here is Part One

So where were we? Oh yes, I remember now. Luke Skywalker just had his hand sliced off at the wrist. Now, I could pretty much mention any other Star Wars movie at this point, because Lucas has a hand amputation fetish, but that’s not how I roll. Let’s see where I go from a cut off hand.

That man is serious about getting rid of hangnails.

Evil Dead 2

I think it leads quite naturally into Evil Dead II, in which Ash looses his hand. Well, looses isn’t quite the right word, he takes a chainsaw and cuts it off himself. Granted, his hand had turned totally evil, but still. You’ve got to be pretty badass to take your own hand off at the wrist with a power tool. Right hand too, you might notice. Both the Evil Dead movies have a lot of talking to the dead, which is convenient for my next choice.

Don’t take it so hard, later we can be in a nice Spider-Man movie.

The dead talk in a lot of movies.

I shouldn’t have had that last one.


In Rashōmon, the murdered man gives testimony through a medium leading to someone else talking to the dead. Yeah, didn’t see that one coming did you? Well, maybe if you’ve seen the movie recently. That part never fit with me, because of the supernatural angle, so I remember it really well. Of course Rashōmon is famous for being different versions of a single story told from multiple view points, and the tale itself is being told to someone so may have yet another view.

Um… pass! I know it seems lazy, but sometimes I honestly can’t come up with anything.

What other movies can we think of with multiple versions of the same story?

And when you really need it the most, that’s when Rock N’ Roll dreams coem true… for you!

The highly colorful Hero also contains different versions of the same story, but in a slightly different way. In this it’s just two guys telling each other how the events happened instead of several people giving evidence. Instead of never really saying how it all went down, we get closer to the truth as the movie unfolds. Of course, Hero is also contains a great deal of people fighting while flying. I wasn’t too into flying people before this movie, it always seemed a bit silly, but I liked it in this. It really was this and not Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon that did it for me.

I be done seen about everything, when I see a kung-fu artist fly.

Continuing on the “thing that has no business flying” theme…

And you thought seagulls were bad.

We’ve got Dumbo. Hey, Dumbo! You remember Dumbo? Of course what else is the chief point of Dumbo? Right, getting drunk. It’s when Dumbo and the mouse get drunk that they have the Pink Elephants. Boozing it up in a Disney movie! Don’t get that these days do we? Oh no! Health and safety would have kittens over that. However, this isn’t the only Disney movie with a main character boozing it up.

So… is it okay to get kids drunk now? Mixed signals guys!

Let’s see how we get there.

Again with the hooch!

Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Drinking could have taken us anywhere, but I choose to take us to Eddie Valiant’s drinking problem. I did this, because Who Framed Roger Rabbit contains an important link to our next movie. Also, I like the idea of Disney movies that have lots of drinking. If I could find a Disney movie with felching, you can bet that I’d use it. Probably not going to find that though. Even if I did, how would I draw back to mainstream films? About the only thing you could really do after that is claim that the Muppet Movie is all about fisting really. ANYWAY! You might remember that the opening of the movie has a story within the story.

Look, I’m trying to symbolize the inherent nature of man here.

It’s all a story with in a story, wrapped in an enigma, covered in dark velvety chocolate…

The Grand Ole Opry just ain’t what it used to be.

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Much like Baron Munchausen’s story is told on the stage, set within the confines of the movie. The Baron begins telling his story on stage, but then the tale seems to end, but it doesn’t really. The lines of where the story ends and the adventure begins is really blurred in a wonderful way. In that film, young Sally has a problem with her Father not being there for her, going so far as to say “And Son” instead of “And Daughter.”

See dads? A little bit of paste can make up for years of neglect.

Fathers and daughters have lots of problems though, as we’ll see…

It says here that pink high tops are still in fashion.

SPL: Sha Po Lang
While it was sold as Killzone in America, the movie SPL also has father’s having problems with their daughters. The end of the movie actually takes place around Father’s Day, which is a big part of the movie. Dads, sons, daughters, it all comes together here in a way that might confound some, delight others, and make fight junkies wonder where the next fight is. Don’t get too impatient, I’m getting to that. There is a great fight, an awesome fight, a fight so cool it ends with the bad guy being disemboweled with his own knife. That’s pretty hard-core right there, cutting a guy’s guts out.

GUTS! I know the screen cap isn’t perfect, so I decided to tell you.

Yeah, I’ve got another guts movie.

MORE GUTS! Same joke, different cap.

Another film in which the bad guy gets his guts cut out by the end is Rambo, which I’ve reviewed before. That would be the fourth Rambo movie by the way. I’m not going to go into the various complaints about sequel names, just understand which one I’m talking about. In that movie, some religious missionaries basically caused all of Rambo’s problems for him. They don’t listen, they go places they’re not wanted.

The girl is cute though.

Religious people just cause problems for everyone.

Here we come a wassailing along the leaf so green.

Kingdom of Heaven
Case in point. In Kingdom of Heaven, it’s religious fanatics cause all the problems for everyone. Really, religion is just a big headache as far as movies go. Pretty much, unless you’re watching something on one of those religious channels that only grandmothers ever watch, religion is going to be problematic. Best to stay away from it. However, you should get this movie, but only in the Director’s Cut format. This is one of the few times that a director’s cut is worth your time. Mostly it’s just a lot of self-indulgence, but here it actually works. There is also a scene in which Saladin give the captured Guy a chalice of ice, which is a lovely frozen treat.

Should I make an “Ice, Ice Baby” joke? Y/N?

Frozen Treats?

You ever notice how there is no way to eat ice cream and look dignified?

Hot Fuzz
Speaking of Frozen Treats, cornetto in this case, let’s talk about Hot Fuzz. That movie is a veritable roller coaster of references. Among all the comedy and mystery and murders there is a fairly constant stream of winking references, which are how I like them. I won’t even scratch that surface, since it would take too long and would bore you quickly if you weren’t watching. Just trust me, reference city, this movie is.

Pic unrelated

OKAY! Next week we’ll pick up from where we left off today with the references.

November 10, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment