I'll come up with something in a minute.

It’s like a mad tea party in my head.

I want a clean subject! Move down one place!
Life would be so much easier if I felt I could just lie my way through things. Honesty on the level I operate is a son of a bitch sometimes. However, if one intends to live one’s life in a manner one deems acceptable, one must maintain one’s standards. I’ve complained about feeling like I was letting the side down and not living up to other people’s standards they’d arbitrarily set for me. I think one of the things I forgot to say was that I wasn’t living up to *my* standards for me. Omission, evasion, things I don’t like. I came close to lying to myself and others a few times there.

I decided to start a change, working myself up to an opinion of myself that I used to have. Things need to be said, people deserve to know the truth and I’ve got to make sure I don’t leave any plot threads dangling. I just worry that people are going to think I’m closing up all my business before doing something drastic. I’m not, I’m fine. I’m working toward a place I used to be. I can sort of feel a manic phase coming on, I’ve felt like I’m building up to it. Once that passes, I think I can work towards an even keel for a while.

Plans are working in my head, ideas are bouncing around, I’ve even started writing again. Yeah, deep dark secret. With the exception of that story I tried to start a while ago, I’ve gotten exactly no writing done this year. Pretty much zero, none, nothing. I had pretty much decided to give up on the whole writing idea because I’d decided that it wasn’t going to bring me pleasure anymore. Now though, I’ve got some ideas and I’ve got some energy coming back. You’ve seen some of them, and I’ll admit some of it’s rough and it’s not like writing stories. However, the etiquette stuff, the interesting facts and cocktails stuff is purely for entertainment, so that’s something. As I say, I can sort of feel it coming back, if I can just get things back to that place again we’ll be golden.

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat
I have been having a thought the last few days. I’ve run into a few people online and in real life that have… how do I put this? They’ve tried to impress me in one way or another. Performing for company as it were. The problem is, I would rather they were just honest and acted like themselves. I can usually tell if someone is trying to test the waters and not being quite themselves, everyone has their own little tricks.

The thing is, I’m never performing for the group, I’m like this all the time. Just like my posts I tend to walk into a room and say “You know the problem with the Poky Little Puppy? No B story. It needs a drug runner side plot or a gun fight or something.” Not because I’m trying to surprise or shock anyone, but because the idea that the Poky Little Puppy would be greatly improved if it resembled a down and dirty grindhouse movie. Syd can vouch for this, she’s been with me for more than 15 years. That’s why I can’t shock her, I’ve spent half her life saying things like “Do you suppose an anal fisting scene would improve Green Eggs and Ham, or would it detract from the main thrust of the tale?” so she’s used to it by now.

I suppose that’s a reason why it bothers me. I’m being the real me, this is how I am. I know I look like a fucking screwball, that’s because the real me is a fucking screwball. All I ask in return is please be the real you when you talk to me. I’ll spot if you’re really and unusual an interesting person. Trust me, I’m pretty darn observant.

Someone posted a goatse the other day on a board and all I could think was “I’ve probably been on the internet longer than you’ve been alive. If you want to shock me you need to try harder.” I view most of humanity like that. No, not the stretched rectum (although…) but as a group that either needs to try harder if they want to shock/impress me, or just be themselves. It’ll be easier for everyone to be themselves, because I live in this world all the time, which makes me hard to impress.

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March 1, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment