I'll come up with something in a minute.

Five Things (Writing Projects edition)

I have five stories in the works right now, in that they’re in my head. I’m thinking about which ones to proceed with.

1. New Jack Collier story. I’ve got an epic and a drawing room Agatha Christie style story in mind. These are two stories, but they’re the same character.

2. Weirdo vs. The Flying Saucers. The sixth book in the grand epic I’ve been talking about in veiled terms since starting this thing. Spoiler: they fight against flying saucer bound bad guys.

3. A children’s story. I was thinking of writing a story about a squirrel (possibly named Cyril) that didn’t have enough nuts for the winter because the chipmunks stole them. So he goes on a bloody streak of vengeance, killing each of the chipmunks and stealing back what’s his. This will involve garroting, stabbing, shooting and beating to death with a little novelty baseball bat (Because chipmunks and squirrels are small, see) The only thing that was going to keep him from going over the edge was the rabbit who lived at the bottom of his tree and tries to bring him back into the light. Sort of Baby’s First Noir. As an added bonus, the moral lesson is going to be “Sometimes life is hard and murder makes it all better.” Because I like getting angry letters from parent groups.

4. A horror story where a war vet is thought to be paranoid because he thinks the fey folk are stalking him. The only thing that keeps them back is steel, so he collects a lot of knives. I was thinking of having his wife tell the story first person. She can slowly buy into his delusions or find out it’s all true.

5. Devil Inc. Which I’ve talked about before.

May 26, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment

Your childhood likes it rough.

Dear Geeks, Nerds, and other assorted basement dwelling Virgins,

For the love of waffles, please stop bitching about Star Wars Episode One. Seriously, it’s just tedious at this point and I haven’t heard anything new added to the discussion in a decade. We get it, you were disappointed that the movie didn’t blow you out of your seat. Yes, the prequels aren’t as good as the original trilogy. Allow me, for a moment though, to give you what I like to call a spoiler for life. Many things aren’t as good as the thing that came earlier and the thing from your youth will always look nicer than the thing you have now.

And, if I may, stop saying George Lucas killed your childhood. I’m really sorry Reb Brown lied to you and there isn’t actually popcorn growing on the trees at Disneyland, but that’s not George Lucas’s fault. Childhood ends, that happens to everyone. It’s supposed to be a part of life. You’re not supposed to stay in this pupa stage forever. I know how you feel though, my childhood ended too. Of course that was more because I came to fully understand things like sex and arthritis rather than watching a movie, but I can still sympathize. However, let’s not blame a moviemaker for that. If George Lucas could kill your childhood with a movie, then your childhood wasn’t worth having. In fact, your childhood isn’t George Lucas’s responsibility.

Like wise, while we’re on the subject, how about you stop with phrases like “Raped my childhood*” when describing these things? If you’re complaining about Star Wars, you’re very likely a child of the 80s and 90s. That means you were raised on a steady diet of corporately owned cartoons that sold action figures and had breakfast cereal tie-ins. You have spent your entire lives consuming things that have been focus-grouped to within an inch of their lives. You’ve rarely had anything mainstream that wasn’t cynically trying to mine your pockets for money. Even when you know that, you still buy all of it. You ran out and watched all three Star Wars prequels, even though you knew they weren’t any good. You went to see Revenge of the Sith after you knew damn well that Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones were crap. Even after you knew about that, and you knew damn well that Spielberg and Ford had also lost their shit as well, you STILL went to Crystal Skull and acted surprised that it wasn’t as good as Raiders. Seriously, what are you, fucking retarded? And seriously, stop acting like Lucas is the sole reason Crystal Skull sucked. Ford was so not on his game, he couldn’t even see his game with a telescope. As for Spielberg, well, he hasn’t been the same since Private Ryan. And let’s remember, for all the bitching about more Storm Troopers, you all let Steve go for the walkie-talkies. WALKIE-TALKIES! That was Greedo shooting first levels of bullshit right there.

And yet, you keep going back to these poisoned wells and allowing these people to do this to you. You allow them to cynically sell you things from your childhood, inferiorly repackaged and obviously of lower quality. And you keep buying it! You keep going back and then complaining that it’s not as good as the thing you had as a kid. Then you dare to claim that your childhood was raped, while rushing out for the next bit of rough hatesex with some other beloved childhood icon.

Let’s face it, your childhood is into it. Your childhood likes it rough.

* By the way, violent sexual assault is nothing like having to watch a disappointing movie. Ask any rape victim if they would allow the comparison. None that I’ve talked to would allow it.

May 26, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment