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Debbie’s Story Part Four

Debbie’s Story

A Jack Collier Story

By Brett N. Lashuay


Read last week’s entry here

Part Four

November 29th

Your Love

I just wanna use your love tonight, I don’t wanna lose your love tonight.

The Outfield


            Jack has changed a bit, unfortunately it’s in the wrong direction. He now has less brain activity than he had when I saw him last. I didn’t stay long, because I felt like I would cry if I did and I didn’t want to cry in front of those people. I stayed long enough to get his ipod away from him so I could load it up with new books and things. They’ve said that talking voices help, that even playing audiobooks and things can help. I only hope that playing him the Louis L’amour audio collection doesn’t make him dream about cowboys or anything. He has months’ worth of audio books and radio shows on his computer, but I used them all up some time ago. I’ve been grabbing whatever I can find on the internet and had people recording books from the library just to try and give him something new to listen to.


            If I thought it would help, I would sneak in and fellate him to see if I couldn’t blow him into consciousness. That would be a complicated issue though, and it would go back on something we’ve spent all the years between then and now not talking about. I know what he said in his earlier stories, but that’s because he told me he would never tell anyone. I don’t think he would mind me telling though, I should think it should release him from that promise. Maybe when he wakes up, we can have that talk I’ve been wanting to have for about the last ten years. The point is that he didn’t break his promise, and you get to learn all about how we spent the last day of school.


            It started with Karen, I would have never done anything like that on my own. You see, Karen had broken up with her boyfriend the weekend before that last week of school. Since then, she had been extremely playful and flirtatious with him as well as being more physical with me. Instead of sitting in a computer chair, or sitting on the bed when we were on the couch or on the couch when we were on the bed, Karen had been asking him to come sit with us. It seemed a little odd the first time, but it became very comfortable after a little while. We sat, watching movies or talking and cuddling in the group like that.


            I was expecting what she had to say on the last day, when we were on our way to his house. It was still a surprise though, because I thought that maybe she wasn’t going to say it. I kind of thought it would be one of those things you think but never act on. I have told you, I was naïve and unobservant and so wrapped up in my own feelings I barely noticed the feelings of other people.


            “Don’t you think Jack’s hot?” She asked as we pulled out of the parking lot for what I hoped would be the last time.


            “What?” I asked, trying to feign surprise.


            “Jack’s hot.” She said, almost matter of factly. “I bet he’s stellar in bed.”


            I’d been wondering what would happen if while I was cuddling with her, I brushed my lips against his. I wondered what would happen if I tilted Karen’s head so her mouth was over his. I’d been thinking other things too, but those are a little more private and I’m not sure I want to share my teenage fantasies with you. I mean I wasn’t even ready to share them with my best friend, how can I share them with you? I still thought I had to play the innocent good girl.


            “Karen.” I said, trying to sound shocked, trying to keep the halo in place.


            “What?” She asked putting her hand on my thigh.


            “Jack is our friend.”


            “So?” She asked. “You’re my friend and I think you’re hot.”


            “Well.” I said and stopped, trying to be shocked as her hand slipped a little higher.


            “Don’t you wonder?” She asked. “I mean, what it would be like?”


            “I’m sure he has someone that…” I then rethought that thought. If there is one constant about Jack, it’s that he never has a main squeeze all his own. He is always the person that other people see on the side. “No, probably not.”


            “Yeah.” She said, and I should have seen the gleam in her eye. “We could take him together and I could take you and you could take me. I mean it wouldn’t be gay if he was there helping out the whole time, right?”


            I laughed, because I was nervous and a little scared. She seemed so intent and intense that it worried me a little. Was I ready to go all the way with her? I think that I didn’t really think she was serious. In the forefront of my mind was the idea that she was joking with me. Even the way her fingers stroked my bare leg and slipped above the hem of my skirt didn’t convince me she was serious. Since we were having a joke though, a good old laugh, I decided to one up her on the gag.


            “Okay.” I said grabbing her hand and kissing the tips of those perfect fingers. “You have to bring it up though. You get him going and I’ll come play when he’s all hot and bothered.”


            “You won’t chicken out on me, will you?” She asked. “I mean I want us all to play.”


            “I won’t chicken out.” As I said this, it began to dawn on me that maybe this was less of a joke and more of a dare. Had I known, ah but if I had known I wouldn’t have done it and then I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself so much. I was and maybe still am, terribly nervous.


            I think Jack knew something was up, but he always seems to know. Jack knows everything, he knows I’m writing this. Even in a coma, he knows. He knows about all that slashy fanfic I write on the computer in the office. He knows about how I told Christmas to leave him alone because I couldn’t stand to see what she was doing to him. He knows I did that. Some how he always knows. He doesn’t say anything, but he knows.


            He knew something was up, which is why when I sat down on his bed he sat down on the couch. Karen kissed me once, hard, and then turned her attentions to him. I’m pretty sure he was expecting her to throw herself at him, because he caught her before she crashed into him. I’ve told you though, Jack knows everything.


            She kissed him, wrapping her arms around him. I felt a sudden rush of jealousy, because she was mine to kiss, not his. Strangely though, I also felt like I should have been the first one to kiss him, I’d met him first. I’d been his friend when she was still marking time with Becky, she shouldn’t get to kiss him first. How strange that I should feel jealous about both of them at once. It seemed wrong and he knew it.


            He wasn’t ungallant, but he did push her away from him slowly. Karen’s biggest flaw, if such a seraph can be said to possess a flaw, is that she is not patient. She couldn’t make herself move in slowly, couldn’t stalk her prey, she just leapt and attacked. He pressed her away and looked at me and then at her. He seemed to know, to demand an answer from me. Can you understand that? I have told you I was nervous, and having him look at me made me more so, but it also strengthened my resolve.


            “I love you Jack.” She said suddenly and kissed him again. “I love you, and I love Debbie and I want you both.”


            “Do you?” He asked, leveling his eyes at me as I moved my legs across each other in a seductive way I’d seen in a movie. I could hear his heart from across the room, it thumped hard and loud, like the sound a watch makes when covered with cloth. “Is this agreed on?”


            I didn’t say anything, I just looked at Karen, who looked to me for approval. I must have nodded, or made some motion, or maybe the fact that my heart was beating so hard that I could feel it in my temples was clear on my face. Maybe it was my heart, beating louder, louder, exactly like the sound a watch makes when covered with cotton. I could hear everything, all three of our beautiful hearts, only I wasn’t going to be the one to shout stop.


            She slid down from the couch so that she was kneeling between his legs, her fingers drawing across his thighs. He looked at me again, and I thought he was searching my face for the joke. He was looking for something, maybe he was looking for me to announce that it was a joke and wasn’t it funny? I wasn’t going to though. I had realized that as much as I wanted her, I also wanted him. All the feelings that scared me were magnified a thousandfold now, and they burned with a bright heat. It was exciting too though. I was so excited and terrified at the same time. The fog of confusion that enveloped my desires and my heart were burned to a crisp at that moment and I realized that all I wanted was the two of them. I wasn’t going to call it off because I didn’t want to.


            “I want to take you in my mouth.” She said to him. “Drive you wild.”


            “And then what?” He asked me.


            “Then you come and I swallow it.” Karen said rubbing her hand over his crotch.


            “And then what?” He asked her, not stopping her, but watching her carefully so he could if he had to. “What comes after that?”


            “Debbie comes after that.” Karen said. “Then me, then her again. I know you can fuck us both into exhaustion. I believe in you Jack.”


            “Do you?” He asked, looking at me again.


            His dark eyes looked like they were alive with fire. I could feel him staring into my soul, his eyes flicked over my body and I could feel them like hands exploring me. I couldn’t stand it anymore, I slid off the bed and onto the couch, pressing myself against him. I kissed him as hard and a forcefully as I could. I wrapped my legs around him and I felt the warm stiffness against me, I swear I came then. Just his pressing against me made me come. I kissed him and then pulled Karen up to kiss her.


            “I love you Karen.” I told her as I pulled her shirt up. “I’ve always loved you.”


            Jack’s hand went behind me and with a motion like he was snapping, he undid my bra with the quick and nimble movement of two fingers. Every other man I’ve ever been with, and a few of the women, fumble with bras. Jack managed to take mine off in less than a second and with one movement. Goddamn, that makes me hot just thinking about it now. Of course, women and beds are possibly the thing that he’s best at.


            He pulled my shirt up, and the two of them kissed my breasts and sucked at my nipples. Karen pulled at his pants and made good on her first promise while I kissed him. I’ve also got to say, whether from youthful strength, or that fact that he was indeed a great lover, he managed to justify her belief in him. He had energy on top of energy, of course the fact that Karen and I spent more time exploring each other than him probably helped. He didn’t mind anyway, not that first time. It took a while before he minded.


            That was, roughly speaking, how we spent the first two weeks of not being in school anymore. It wasn’t that sex was new to any of us, I’d had sex a few times with the boy to took me to prom, Karen had been through Becky’s little training school for sluts, and while I don’t know exactly, Jack must have had dozens of lovers before that day. I’d only had it twice though, and I won’t mention Jimmy’s full name so that the world won’t know what a lousy lay he is, suffice to say I’d never had it like this. Karen’s body was like mine, but it was different and fascinating. Jack was a powerhouse of strong and gentle actions, except he could get a little rough sometimes. It wasn’t just that it was the three-ways, it was that it was good. In my wildest turns at the showerhead massager I’d never thought it could be like that.


            Things happen though, you know? We concentrated on each other and let him watch, but he sort of felt we were more interested in each other than him. I was fascinated with her, as she was with me. I can see his point, but most men would be glad to just be there. Jack isn’t most men though, he always thinks the world is out to get him and that no one really likes him. I think it’s because every relationship I’ve ever known him to have, he’s always been the person being screwed on the side. Even when he was with Christmas, she was still waiting for the divorce from Church to go through. He didn’t show it, but he was clearly becoming increasingly worried that we didn’t actually need him around. The fact that we didn’t need, but might want him around didn’t seem to enter his thick skull.


            It was after a couple of weeks though, that he started to show his problems. We’d had a glorious day, which was beautiful and wonderful, but I couldn’t even begin to tell you why without getting more explicit than I feel comfortable with. Karen and I shared the back seat the whole way back to her house. I only got in the front seat after Jack and I had dropped Karen off. I know that it was rude to treat him like a chauffer like that, but I didn’t think of it at the time. I know this is my major failing, that I fail to think about other people. When I realized this though, I started working to correct the problem. My intense guilt is the reason Jack almost always has breakfast waiting for him when he gets to the office.


            When we pulled out of Karen’s trailer park and onto Hall was when Jack brought up the issue that I had been worrying about. I knew at some point that night he was going to say something. He was quiet, which was not his way, he talks constantly if he’s not being bothered by something. I sort of think that I knew what he was going to say too. I’d been worrying that we hadn’t been treating him fair, and now he was going to mention it.


            “Debbie.” His tone of voice alone told me we were going to have the talk.


            I felt a stone in my throat as I looked at him, watching the Rivergate sign as we passed that subdivision and headed toward Romeo Plank. It was going to be a bit of a drive to my house, so we had time for this talk. I wondered if maybe I could just put my head between his legs and stop him from talking. It was useless though, we’d crash if I did it right.


            “Yeah?” I asked as that old 80s song about how the guy just wants to use the girls love for tonight was playing on the radio.


            “Are you two just coming over and letting me play along because you want to convince yourselves you’re not going gay?” He can always be so delicate, have I mentioned that? He’s so sweet about it too because after that he said, “It’s not going to matter to me if you two want to just fuck alone. It won’t magically make you dykes if you don’t have a penis around to remind you that you like cock all the time.”


            “I…” There was so much I wanted to say, but I couldn’t phrase any of it then. I’m not sure the word polyamory had even been invented by then, and I still had the fantasy of being married with a kid and a white picket fence in my head. That I could probably have both of them for all time was as alien an idea to me at that time as tap dancing on the moon. “I don’t know.”


            “It doesn’t matter you know. If you don’t want me around it won’t change things.” He said and for the first time I noticed the facial motion he always made before he said something terribly crude. “Even if you become an exclusive rug muncher, it won’t matter worth a damn. I’m just not sure if I can keep being used as a prop so you two can convince yourselves you’re not gay or something.”


            What could I do then? Admit that he had a point? I could try to tell him to stop being crude, but he swore at everyone because at that time he’d sort of lost patience with the idea of being polite. He wanted to be crude because it was the only shield he had. The problem was, I wasn’t nearly grown up enough to see that, and the fact that he hit a little close to the truth made me scared. I didn’t want him to leave, but I wanted to spend some time alone with her. I sort of wanted time for just me and her, but I also wanted there to be time for just me and him as well. But I didn’t know how to say that, so I went on the defensive instead. I did this because before the age of twenty-three, when a certain event woke me the hell up, I was a goddamn idiot.


            “What do you mean?” I demanded. “You’ve fucked us and now you’re bored?”


            “Oh for the love of Karl Marx’s cat!” He snapped, and there was real anger there for a moment before he stopped and took in a deep breath. Then he started again, speaking low and fast. I’d long since come to recognize this as his trying not to shout way of talking. He still does it now if you want to know. “I could spend the rest of my life inside you. I only pull out because if I lived in you I would have my office inside Karen. And I will tell you it’s not even about that.”


            “Isn’t it?” I asked.


            “I love you.” He said, and I noticed that he was crying. “I love you both so much that it scares me, because I know something horrible is going to happen. I know something is going to happen and it will be because I wasn’t smart enough or fast enough or good enough.”


            “Oh, what’s going to happen?” I asked.


            “I don’t know.” He said. “And that’s what worries me. But I love you and I know that if nothing else, you’re going to State at the end of summer. Once there, you’ll forget all about me.”


            “I won’t forget.” I said putting my hand on top of his on the gearshift. “I’ll always come back for you. I love you.”


            “Yeah, but we don’t mean it like other people do, do we?”


            “No.” I said. “Because we also mean it for Karen.”


            “Yeah.” He said, wiping at his eyes and deliberately acting like he misunderstood the way I meant that. “I feel like I’ve got to take care of her, you know?”


            “Because of Becky?” I asked.


            “Yeah.” He nodded.


            “You think Becky fucked her up?”

            “Becky mistreated her, and Becky and I are still strained as a result.” He said, using a formal tone that I would hear him use many times in the years to come. “I feel like I’m responsible for her.”


            “You can’t be.” I told him. “You can only really be responsible for you.”


            “Maybe.” He said, and then the subject changed like flipping over a new card on a tarot deck. “Do you want to go to Gibraltar tomorrow? Look around, buy a new knife?”


            “Yeah.” I nodded. “Do you want to ask Karen, or this a trip just for us?”


            “No, she can come if she wants. I only just thought of it now.” He said. “Right now is the trip just for us.”


            “Can I ask you something?” I asked.


            “Yeah.” He said.


            “Do you love me, or do you love Karen…” And then he interrupted.


            “Hey! I’m not…” He started, but I cut him off.


            “Let me finish.” I told him firmly. “Now, do you love me, or do you love Karen, or do you love me and Karen?”


            “What, like do I love you as a set?” He asked.




            “I love you both.” He said. “Is that enough?”


            “I… it’s just that.” I said, trying to explain how I felt, but terms and books were still several years in the future.


            “Don’t worry about it.” He said sliding his hand between my legs and putting pressure against the central seam. “Let me show you an interesting skill. Did you know I can drive and finger a girl at the same time?”


            He started to undo the button fly on my jeans as he pulled onto Fifty-Three. He got the car into the right gear, and then rested his hand inside my jeans, rubbing gently for a long time before increasing his speed and strength. I know I was screaming at one point, I know I threw my seat back and lay down and I know he pulled his fingers out and slipped them into my mouth, asking if I could taste a difference. It’s all very hazy though.


            When he was done with that, he found a quiet dirt road and grabbed the blanket from his back seat. He took me out into some field, probably a farmer’s stock, and we made love under the moon. He exhausted himself in me, and then he took me home. In a rare piece of casual behavior he just hurled the condom away, deep into the field. He’s normally very careful about where he leaves bits of himself. That was the first and only time we had sex without Karen. In fact it was the last time he and I were that intimate again. I would like to think we actually made love that night, but I don’t think he was thinking as deeply as I was.


            He took me home and kissed me so gently when I got out of the car that I practically floated to my bed. I don’t know what my parents were thinking of these days, and I didn’t really care. I was in a world of bliss, and the fog of confusion and paranoia had been replaced by a fog of ecstasy. I didn’t know what was going on around me, which is probably why what happened the next day was such a shock. We’d spent a few weeks in heaven and it was all about to be shattered.

May 28, 2010 - Posted by | Fiction, Jack |

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