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War through Film

So, let me tell you the history of War through the medium of movies.

Civil War is analogous to a movie you see.

The secessionists are snakes.
The blacks are a witness being transported.
Grant & Lincoln are a federal agent
The country is a plane.

For the early part, the snakes win. Some heroes rise, others fall, and no matter how competent Samuel L. Jackson might be, there’s just not enough of him to go around. The cranky asshole businessman? He’s Mcclellan. The dog he throws to a snake? That’s his career. The blacks wanted to help, but kept being told to stay up in the front of the plane by Lincoln. Snakes keep winning, until about Gettysburg. That is when Grant stands up and says “Enough is ENOUGH! I have had with these motherfucking Rebels in this motherfucking country! Everybody strap yourself in, I’m about to open some fuckin’ windows.” Then Grant and Sherman land the bitch and save the day.

And THAT is likely the last time you will ever hear anyone claiming that Kenan Thompson played Gen. Sherman in a movie.

World War Two is also a movie

The bullies (Axis) start fights, beat up a lot of people. America sits back and lets them, just wanting not to be part of it. A few fights happen, America has a mental struggle about wanting to fight back. Then, something happens. Might be smashing a car, might be destroying a prized possession, might be the bombing of Pearl Harbor. It doesn’t matter. The bully goes too far and America decides that they’ve had enough and decided that fighting back is really the only thing to do. So, they work out, learn from a master, go to the tournament and kick everybody’s ass. Yup. World War Two is The Karate Kid.

The Revolutionary War is simple.

Rich kids are dicks and keep the poor kids down for no other reason than the rich kids are dicks. So the poor kids? They lose, lose, lose, and lose some more. They’ve got spirit, but who can fight these rich bullies? About the 400th time they’ve got their butts kicked and it looks like the rich kids are going to win… someone gives a speech. It’s a rousing speech, a great speech and Epic Speech of Epicness. The Poor Losers, now roused to a level they’ve never been roused to before, put in what has to be the Rock Montage to end all Rock Montages. They call some friends, get some gear, and in one wild strike win the day! The Revolutionary War is just about every Teen 80s movie ever made.

August 4, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment