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The Ancient Greeks Were Hipsters

I’m gratified to learn that ultraviolet light is showing off what Greek and Roman statues really looked like. Although, those photos in that story are at least two years old, so I’m wondering why it’s being treated as a new story… but never mind that! I’m happy to have the information because it’s one more nail in the coffin of how we used to have Rome presented to us.

You know, white guys, in white robes surrounded by white columns and white statues saying to each other “I say Whiteonius, isn’t wonderful that you and I are white and the only people with any color to their skins are slaves?” to which the other replies. “Yes Whiteicus, I am also glad that the Roman Empire is so obsessed with whiteness they only allow white people into the empire and only have white clothing and décor! It’s so wonderful ruling the world and being white!” Also, they’d be played by Brits. Later, they’d be played by (white) Americans, but half of them would affect a British accent.

Now though, we know that the Roman were more multi-colored a population than New York City is today. Not only that, but they drank beer, wore lots of colors, and their statues had all the style and sophistication of a Putt-Putt Golf course. I SO want a time machine so I can go back to Ancient Rome with some teachers from High School and keep prodding them with questions like “Sooo… these are the sophisticated Romans, huh? With the painted statues, and the whores who have shoes that lead you to the whore house, and the guy taking a leak right there in the street? WOW! What style, sophistication, and panache! Gosh, maybe we can go hear one of those classy poetry readings! You know, where the Emperor talks about how lovely it is to sodomize his wife’s horse!”

I just resented having THE CLASSICS rammed down my throat as if they were somehow better than today. Like no one in Ancient Rome ever committed adultery, robbed a friend, or murdered their wife so they could marry the wife of their best friend who they also had murdered. I was told that comic books and pulp novels, stories about super powered people who had adventures, were stupid and that Classic Myths about Herculeese and The Knights of the Round Table were SO MUCH BETTER… despite being storied about super powered people having adventures. If anything The Knights of The Round Table had a worse motivation than say Superman. Superman was a goodie-goodie who wanted to do right because doing right was the right thing to do. The Knights, on the other hand, did great deeds of valor to “Prove their courage” and so they could brag about it later. Seriously, it makes them sound like those assholes you hear in trendy bars. “Yeah, so I found this fabulous deal this week. All you have to do is kill a dragon, and you get a maiden for free! So, I killed the dragon and took her to this new Italian Bistro that just opened up down the road. Got her drunk and took her back to my place, you know? Played some old vinyl. Explained my important role in Arthur’s court. She totally did me.” Fuck off Lancelot, you’re a yuppie twat!

And the best bit, the best bit of all, was learning that he Greeks, the philosophical Greeks, the inventors of math and learning and all that shit… painted their sails with heads and things. They had all the restraint of a red neck who just won the lottery. “Dude! Check it out! I got my new ship sail in, I totally painted the head of Medusa on it!” to which his buddy said, “Man! That is BAD-ASS dude, we should totally go cruising together. I just put a bull’s head on my sail. It’ll look like two massive heads are sailing in to fuck some people up!” and that leads to “I know, right? That’ll be awesome! Hey, my four gallon, two handed beer mug is running low, I’m gonna get a fill up, you want?” Because… yeah, they drank beer in massive four gallon, two fisted, all day sucker style beer mugs. And they had very liberal sodomy rules.

Fucking Greeks were so… sophisticated! Fuckin’ classy motherfuckers. Also, the Greeks wore old clothes, were obsessed with youth, and thought it was cool to have bad haircuts. And they invented cynicism. The Greeks were fucking hipsters dude. Put a Mac store in ancient Greece and they’d clean up!

I just enjoy it any time they poke another hole in that idea that the Greeks and Romans were somehow morally, ethically or even intellectually superior. I’m sorry, but WE are better. The modern world kicks all kind of ass and you wouldn’t really want to live way back when. If for no other reason, the toilets were… unspeakable.

August 25, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Zoo Photos (23 of a bajillion)

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August 25, 2010 Posted by | Photo | , | Leave a comment