I'll come up with something in a minute.

New Story Idea!

My next story will be The Surprising Adventures of Messers H.G. Wells, H.P. Lovecraft* and H.R. Pufnstuf. They will simple call each other by their middle intial. Each will be known a G, R, and P and together they will form a Recording Company for the production of gramophone records.

Their first hit will be sung by Queen Victoria and Jack The Ripper. It will be a song about murdering a menstruating Canadian prostitute and will be entitled “Bloody Maple Leaf on the Rag” and of course it will have a rap cover made by Billy The Kid and Long John Silver despite them not living remotely near each other in time or location**.

The story won’t really get started until a gaggle of girls from Georgian and Regency fiction descend upon the group, demanding to be made superstars so they can all marry men named Darcy. The girls becoming glamour models will lead to great social changes, but they still won’t have the right to vote or anything. Don’t be silly. Entranced by their beauty, partisan groups will gather under different bullshit explanations until the fabled battle between Pirates and Ninjas is fought out once and for all atop a steam powered airship flying over Victorian London or possibly Napoleonic Paris and maybe both!***

In the end, the course of history will strangely not be irrevocably changed, and all the big historical events will go on as the history books say they have despite the effect these story elements must surely have caused to not only this but other timelines as well.

I intend to call the book “Fuck you Steampunk! Fuck you right in the ass!” and am currently looking to shop it around for both comic books and movies. Comics must please only be submitted in the brown and gold spectrum. Film studios must make sure they are not in anyway reputable and the more greenscreen and crappy CGI effects you offer, the more of my attention you will have.

EDIT: I forgot the most important part. About 80% of the book will actually just be William Hutchinson’s great work, A Treatise on Practical Seamanship with the bits I’ve mentioned slipped in.

*Side note: For someone so convinced of the mastery of the white race, Lovecraft was one UGLY motherfucker. Seriously, he looks like a frog person or something.
**The fact that Silver is actually fictional won’t even be addressed because my head hurts enough already.
***Depending on my mood at the moment.

September 21, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

And yet you still own an ipod.

Sweet Money Jesus but The Ultimate Computer is stupid piece of technophobic trash. Not only is it straw manned up the ass, but it is totally ignorant or just hypocritical in it’s writing. You can just hear D.C. Fontana howling “OMG! Teh computers are going to steal our jobs! I’m gonna go drive home, listen to my Beatles records and watch Ed Sullivan on TV totally unaware of the irony!” Not only is this stupid episode heavily and irrationally tilted against the machine, the creator of the computer even says “I’m going to show you, I’m going to show all of you.” I swear I was straining to hear the bolt of thunder and cackling laugh that should accompany such a fucking stupid line.

I have honestly never understood why so much Sci-Fi contains such a large amount of technophobia. Every other aspect of the future is bright and shining, but the computers will DOOM US ALL!!!! Anytime you get a machine that’s supposed to take the work of a man in Sci-Fi, all the sudden everyone becomes pants shittingly terrified. Despite the fact that everything they do, and everything they use rests on some kind of machine that has done the work of a man.

Textiles haven’t been hand made since around 1800. Shall we weep for the loom operators? Shall we all go join King Ned Ludd’s Army? Music stopped being the work of a single performance when Edison got his shit together and made records viable. Was John Philip Sousa right to oppose the gramophone? I mean, it did replace the work of a man, didn’t it? Come to that, a compound pulley takes work from a man, and those are about four thousand years old.

September 21, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment