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The Return of Jack Collier (Chapter Twenty-Nine)

The Return of Jack Collier

A Jack Collier Story

By Brett N. Lashuay



Last week’s entry can be found here.  



Chapter Twenty-Nine: Then the Knight Saves the Princess

By: Jill Piper


(Jack’s Note: Okay, Jill is very sweet and darling and all, but she gets some important facts wrong here. When I see the worst errors I’ll make a note of them.)


            “One!” their voices chimed together and they all cheered. I could feel the head of the penis of the one who had crawled on top of me starting to push its way in.


            Then there was the sound of shattering glass, something heavy thumped and someone screamed. The smelly, fat man jumped off me and ran towards everyone else as the true chaos started. I didn’t even see what was going on at first, I just heard the shooting and the shouts of my would-be attackers. It wasn’t until they had been shouting for a while that I saw him leap through the broken remains of the large picture window that I realized we hadn’t been forgotten after all.


            Jack looked like a knight, or a cavalier, or a samurai as he burst into the room, a pair of matched silver plated pearl handled revolvers in his hands. (Jack’s note: I own a Webley-Fosbery Automatic revolver, which is black, and a Marley Thirty-Eight, which is chrome and has ivory handles. I don’t know where she got that from.) He fired over their heads a few times, hit one of them in the mouth and rushed to my side. He pulled out a switchblade, popped the knife open and slashed at the bonds holding me down. (Jack’s Note: Okay, first? I’ve never owned a switchblade in my life. They’re silly and stupid and you don’t need a spring in your knife. I use a Laguiole and always have. Second, I cut Shiri’s bonds first because I figured if I cut her free and gave her the Webley she wouldn’t freak out and embarrass us both or cause any more problems than the outfit she had on was already causing. Other than that, everything she’s said so far has been more or less accurate.)


            He grabbed me by the wrist and the three of us leapt from the room. As we ran down the hall, dozens of guards were on our heels behind us. Jack spun around and started gunning them down as we made our way down the hallway. (Jack’s Note: Two is not dozens, I fired one shot over their heads. This is not some John Woo movie, and besides I only had those two rounds left in the Marley as it was. Even if I wanted to plug them, we were a good twelve feet away and as we all know I can just barely manage to hit the broad side of a barn with the Marley if I’m standing right up against it.)


            We ran down the long wide hall, hearing their voices behind us. I saw an open door in front of us and pointed toward it. Jack pushed the door open and threw us both into the room. He slammed the door behind him and leaned up against it. Someone hit the door, causing the whole thing to jump in the frame. Jack leaned harder into the door as the other girl and I grabbed a large heavy trunk and shoved it up against the door. Jack turned and looked at a large table in the center of the room and shoved it hard up against the door as well.


            There were more bangs against the door, but it did little more than shudder. Jack opened his gun and let the empty bullets fall from his gun. He looked at the girl as she unloaded her gun too. He gave her some bullets and they both reloaded their guns with them as whoever was on the other side banged against the door. Jack looked around the room quickly and leaned against the table as the door shuddered against it again.


            “Fuck,” he said after looking at the floor for a moment.


            “What are we going to do now?” The other girl asked. (Jack’s Note: Actually, I said this. I was pretty much knee deep in dejection and defeatism at this point. I know I’m not as smart as some people think I am, and this was one of those situations that proved it. We couldn’t sit in this room forever, and it was looking like I’d gotten us trapped.)


            “How about that window?” he asked as he walked towards a window and pulled the screen out.


            (Jack’s Note: Shiri said and did this. I just sat there and watched her, partly because of dejection and partly because of the clothes. Those thin, gauzy outfits weren’t clothes exactly, they were just something to say they weren’t naked when they very much were. It made them both look vulnerable, beautiful and small, which for a big strong tough guy like me is fairly attractive. Bad point about men, we really do all want to protect weak and attractive women. That’s not following feminist philosophy very well, but I figure it’s natural and I don’t demean women or condescend them more than I do men, so I’m probably okay on balance. Looking at her walking away, I was momentarily mesmerized by the fact that she had the finest pert little ass I have ever witnessed in all my years. Not the best ass of all time mind you, that belongs to someone else, but the best in the pert and little categories. As a result, I was watching her backside as she walked and then watching the lines of her back as she reached up and pulled the screen out. Also, where does it say that the guy has to save the day all the time? Why can’t a woman do it? Put the woman out in front, that’s what I say. Not only do you get to hear some great ideas, but with her standing in front of you she can’t see that you’re mostly looking at her incredibly perfect pert ass while she leads. It’s like a perfect situation as far as I’m concerned.)


            They both looked out the window and then back at the door.  The door was starting to open, Jack fired three times through the center of the door and screamed for them to stay back or he’d kill them all. We saw blood soak under the door, and heard a scream as someone fell. (Jack’s Note: I fired at the top of the door. I deliberately missed them. There was no blood, and even if there was, there was a trunk to hold back the blood. I didn’t kill anyone that night. Okay? Can we get that settled? There was a shout, but no scream.)


            “On the ground floor and everything,” Jack said as he crawled through the window. “Look out, bushes underneath.”


            He held out his arms and pulled the other girl out through the window before coming back and waving at me. I grabbed on to him and was lifted over a group of shrubs with sharp looking thorns. We ran a few yards around the side of the house, but as we came to the gravel driveway, Jack stopped cold and held his arm out.


            “What?” I asked him.


            “They’ve found the car,” he said and then sighed. “And they’ve seen us.”


            The men had started towards us, flashlights shining in our faces. A few shouts went out and then more lights started showing up from more places. Jack and the girl shot a few times into the dark and we started to run towards some hills where a few trees were standing together. Jack knelt down and looked at his gun as the lights started toward us again.


            “Son of bitch,” he said as we knelt down by the trees.


            “What?” I asked again.


            “I’ve got one shot left? How about you Shera?” (Jack’s Note: Okay, Jill can’t remember Shiri’s name, but I could. I called her Shiri.)


            “One,” she said.


            “Well fuck,” he muttered.


            “I won’t be taken back,” she said. “I’ve got one left.”


            “Don’t start crazy talk just yet,” he said, watching as they approached.


            “Don’t let them take me Jack,” I pleaded.


            “Don’t worry my darling,” he said pressing the barrel against the back of my head. “I won’t let them take you. I won’t let them hurt you.”


            I heard him work the gun as we saw them approaching, and I knew he would never let them hurt me again. (Jack’s Note: Oh for fuck’s sake! I would never put my gun against the back of someone’s head. Even if I were going to shoot someone like that, which I deny I did, I wouldn’t let her feel the barrel or hear me thumb the hammer back. I’m a lot cooler than that, yeah? Besides, it didn’t occur to me that Shiri’s comment about having one left and not being taken was anything but talk. It did seem a little desperate there, what with them closing in on us, but I was pretty sure I could bluff my way out of it… somehow. I wasn’t sure how exactly, what with there only being two rounds left to us, but I was thinking I’d figure something out in the next forty-five seconds. After all, I was Mister Seven With One Blow, right? Right?)




February 1, 2011 Posted by | Fiction, Jack | | Leave a comment

Old Snow Photos

Because the Snowtorious B.I.G. isn’t really impressive yet, I’ll post some older snow photos…


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February 1, 2011 Posted by | Photo | | Leave a comment

So, on the dickwolves thing…

I would just like to say congrats to the Penny Arcade guys!

With this whole Dickwolves thing they’ve managed to put the “Gamers aren’t all complete assholes” argument back 5, maybe 10 years! I do hope they remember this when the next politician with a “Video Games make you a socially retarded monster and gamers should all be gassed.” Platform comes around.

Really, it’s not the shirt itself, it’s the passive-aggressive bullshit non-apologies and the doubling down that’s made me shake my head at them. That’s really the thing that’s going to make dismissing gamers easy. People expect a lot of being offensive for the sake of trying to cause offense from children, and mostly they just ignore it because it’s dull and giving them attention only leads to more bullshit.

Not that it maters, not really. Tycho and Gabe have nothing of value to say to anyone over 15 anyway, and this is just another example. They’re just becoming another pair of radio shock DJs, loved by their small group of fans, but worth nothing in the grander scheme of reality. Adults don’t care, they dismiss anything any gamer has to say, and this gives them another example in their long held prejudice. And guess what? No amount of Child’s Play money will wash away the fact that you’ve just given serious minded people another excuse to disregard anything any gamer might have to say.

This whole thing is just getting old. I’m getting tired of waiting for internet famous ‘celebs’ to grow up and stop acting like they’re still in a frat house. I know it won’t happen, but it’s boring the fuck out of me listening to the fall out of these assholes every few months. The comic and shirt didn’t even offend me, you couldn’t offend me if you tried. Actually, that’s probably true because I’d know you were trying to do it and thus I wouldn’t care. At this point, all of them are just little children running around yelling “Fuck!” in hopes that mommy will notice them for just one moment. This shock for shock’s sake crap gets dull really quick once you reach adulthood.

So… yeah, good job guys. Now for the next five years or so, anytime I try to say playing games doesn’t automatically make you a complete shithead, I’ve got to hear about the Dickwolves thing. Thanks for that.

February 1, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Still waiting for Snowtorious B.I.G. to happen.

About half the time, these mega storms come to nothing. The other half of the time, we get the snow. Great Lakes Yo!

And now, to prevent this from just being me talking about the weather (I mean seriously! Did none of you get laid recently? Have a car wreck? Kill a baby with your bare hands?) here is a photo of a stone on a beach…

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February 1, 2011 Posted by | Photo | | Leave a comment

Clue is still a good movie

I was wondering if the movie Clue would hold up after all these years.

It doesn’t just hold up.

If anything, the fact that I’ve read more mystery novels and watched more mystery movies and TV shows gives me a much greater appreciation for the movie.

Syd has a different interpretation of the last line though. When Mr Green says “I’m going to go home and sleep with my wife.” instead of seeing that as an indication that Green’s homosexuality was part of his cover story, she saw it that Green gets away with it. The way she saw it, there is no wife waiting at home and Green’s cover (That he’s straight) is kept in tact by his killing Mr Boddy. No one knows Green’s secret, so as she put it “The queer wins!”


Oh and if that spoiled Clue for you, go watch it on youtube or something. seriously, what the fuck have you been doing with your life if you haven’t seen that movie yet?

February 1, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment