I'll come up with something in a minute.

Ten rules for the care and feeding of GreyWeirdo

Ten rules for the care and feeding of GreyWeirdo

1. Don’t try to freak me out. I get weirder things than you free with my breakfast cereal.
To say that I have been a few places and done a few things is probably an understatement. I’ll grant, there are still places things left unbeen and undone, but leave it said that I have a rich and full set of experiences. As such, attempts to freak me out with how odd and unusual you might be are probably going to fall flat at best and come off desperate at worst. There is a time and a place to admit you’re into cross dressing dwarves, and it’s rarely our fist or second conversation. Even then, I’ve been around queerfolk all my life, cross dressing dwarves is hardly the strangest kink I’ve heard of. Worse yet, for the love of Fancy, don’t play like your one tattoo or single bisexual experimentation is an unheard of oddity that should shake the foundation of my world. I was alive during the 90s! I know many, many inked and pierced people and see above comment about queerfolk. It’s okay if you’re freaky, but let it come out in casual conversation. Even then, don’t be offended if, when you ask if I’d like to go pick up a cross dressing sex dwarf, I don’t even blink before answering you. I’ve had stranger requests.

2. This isn’t an act, I’m like this pretty much all the time.
I’ve been known to start conversations by telling people my thoughts on how porn fits into the history of the second crusade. Not for shock value, but because I’d been thinking about it all afternoon and I had to talk to someone about it. Not all conversations are that interesting, but I’m making an example. I’ve got a lot of things that I think about, and I like to at least bounce the ideas off another mind. I’ve also got an expansive and sometimes explosive vocabulary. I use words that fit the thoughts in my head as closely as possible. That does mean things considered to be ten-cent words and remarkably profane things can rattle off together. For example, today I said “That disingenuous whore can suck a dead pope like a catamite who thinks it’s the only way to achieve enlightenment for all I care”, which both amused and confounded my listener. I also have a habit of accusing machines of being possessed by souls of the famous dead. That however is only because the AGFA company leaves their equipment so open to possession by Walter Winchell. The point is that I’m not actually tying to freak you out, it’s just how my mind operates. The days where I’m not bouncing ideas off you are bad days where either my mind has shut down out of exhaustion, or I’m not interested in talking.

3. You’ll have to speak clearly and interestingly.
I’ve been going deaf for a number of years now. As far as I can figure, it runs in my family. The difference is that I’m not trying to pretend that I’m not hard of hearing and that the rest of you need to stop mumbling. However, if you want to talk to me, you do need to try and speak clearly and loud enough that I can hear you. Even then, I might ask you to repete what you just said. It’s no a ruse, or playing some kind of clever game because what you said was so unbelievable, I honestly didn’t hear you. Also, I’ve got a case of A.D.D. and sometimes, even when I’m trying to listen, my attention just slides off like a fried egg on a greased marble ball. As a result, there will be times where I’ve drifted off in mid-sentence. Try not to be offended, it’s just a thing that happens sometimes, even when you’re being interesting.

4. Don’t give me no mushrooms, don’t give me no shellfish!
Mushrooms disagree with me, sometimes violently. Shellfish like shrimp, crab, lobster… quite nasty as well. I’m not a big fan of food from the sea in most cases anyway. I know, we’re supposed to snarf ichthyoids by the dozen, but I just don’t like ‘em much. Probably the association with foods that make me sick puts me off.

5. I’m generally quite for a while when we first meet.
It takes me a while to warm up to people, and that results in me sitting quietly and listening for the first little while. When I start to speak, it’s normally low and docile tones. It’s an interesting skill I picked up along my travels, dealing with wild animals. You let them make the noises, see which noises mean what and how they react to the sound of your voice. Then, once everyone is comfortable you can start to talk about cross-dressing elderly dwarf felching porn or whatever it is you want to discuss. May I just say, for the record, I’m actually not surprised that my spell-check doesn’t know the word felching. I’m often surprised and sometimes annoyed, but this time I find the lack

6. Still poly after all these years.
I’m not going to explain the terms, you’ve got google, go google it bitches! After ups, downs, sideways and an interesting weekend where I went through the forth dimension and was sort of pulled lengthways but still forward, I’m still a polyamorous person. So, you know, there’s that.

7. I have very little to no nostalgia blinders.
I don’t believe things were ever that much better. There has never been a time when young folk were more respective of their elders, there was never a time when the music or movies were much better than it is now, and whatever other bullshit parents and grandparents have been trying to convince you of about “The Good Old Days”, that’s not true either. Almost every dream about a golden period has been just that, a dream. What music you like is greatly dependant on where you were mentally as a kid and where you are now. Some things that I liked as a kid have held up to adult scrutiny, some things have not. I’m not so blinded by childhood memories that I refuse to see that some of the things I liked as a kid are kind of stupid. I won’t defend them as some kind of brilliant thing that you had to be there to understand, but I might shrug and say “I know it’s stupid, but fuck it, I still like it.”

8. I sort of like things that are kind of dumb.
I really like dumb movies, and silly novelty songs, and people who don’t understand Nietzsche. I’ll grant, I tend to like them when they’re at best unpretentious and understand what they are. The movie can be cheap and stupid, but so long as the people who made it understand that, we can al have some fun with it. There are lots of dumb things that you can get enjoyment out of, if you try. Likewise, I like people who are uncomplicated and mercifully free from the ravishes of intelligence. This will sometimes confound some folks because I am indulgent and friendly to the just plain dumb, but so unapologetically savage to those who are averagely stupid. This is because the person who is dumb is probably at the height of their powers, while someone of average intelligence being stupid is just lazy. I suppose I could put my enjoyment of those who are ignorant, but trying not to be so here as well. I like a person who is trying to learn.

9. I like a lot of smart things too.
I listen to classical music and watch documentaries for fun. I dig deep into historical texts and philosophy books on a regular basis. I like learning new stuff, and I like having weighty and difficult material around me. I sometimes think that the last point and this current point probably counterbalance. The Mystery Science Theater episodes and The Day The Universe Changed provide a ying and yang that pleases my palate. I like talking to intelligent people, who also have a wide variety of interests. Quite often, I like people whose interests and my own barely intersect. That way, we have more to talk about and I can learn about more things. The person who is into elderly dwarf felching porn for example. That there is an entire genre that I have absolutely no interest in what-so-ever, so we’ll have a lot to talk about when they explain their kink to me.

10. I often forget I’m writing a set of care instructions and just sort of go off on tangents sometimes.
Deal with it.

BONUS!
11.. Know that it is the year ten thousand, one ninety one.
Just… know that shit. And something about spice, must remember the spice.

Advertisements

March 16, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment