I'll come up with something in a minute.

By Grabthar’s hammer, I’m going to be somebody’s Auntie Mame if I have to cross dress to do it!

Odd, with every one of my friends/relations that has a baby, I feel less compelled to breed. I keep thinking *whew* someone else took the parenting bullet for me. Each time someone I know has a child, I just think that there is one more baby I don’t need to have to keep the race going. I don’t even need to have one to raise really, because people around me have them and I can corrupt them remotely.

My intention is simple, Syd and I are going to be “those people” that the parents know and always bring the most amazing gifts for the child. You know the sort of thing. BB guns, drum sets, ferrets, semtex, the usual stuff mom won’t let you have. Then, when they’re old enough, we’ll take each child to Paris or Bournemouth* and show them the strange and amazing world that exists out there. This corrupting influence should, if I do things properly, utterly horrify the child’s parents. At the very least, I should give them an unrealistic view about how the world actually works, or can work anyway.

Sadly, I can’t smoke cigarettes out of a long cigarette holder. A) I would die from the smoke before I finished a pack and B) Syd would leave me. I’m a little old to be picking up habits like that though, I think I’ll have to skip it. I’m sure my dress habits would give me away as an eccentric lunatic anyway. You can’t smoke in restaurants anymore, but you can wear a sports coat made entirely of sequins.

I will always call young people “M’dear boy” though. Even if I’m dealing with a girl, I’ll probably call her “M’dear boy” because fuck gender discrimination/neutrality. You don’t cajole a Dear Girl into a horse race where you’ve bet everything they own** on the outcome, you do that to a Dear Boy. However, as I do believe in the basic tenants of feminism, I will get girls into the same sort of wacky situations. Everyone needs to be tricked into a wacky situation before they’re 21, or they turn out all stogy and get into accountancy or something.

*It can’t be Paris every time.
**They own, mind you. Not I own. I never bet my own money and it gives them incentive to win.

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May 9, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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