I'll come up with something in a minute.

The Problem with Lembas

Lembas, or elf bread or way bread, or any other number of names you might have for it, is a real problem in Lord of the Rings. The elves are not mechanical, they live in the forest, and as such don’t seem to have any actual agricultural class in their society. So how do they get the bread for grain? Who grinds the corn? Who bakes the bread? They’re strict isolationists, so they can’t be trading with the hobbits, who at least have farmers. And how can a person live off it for days with a single mouthful? What’s the caloric intake? How many carbs? How can it last nearly indefinitely? Is it a twinkie? It’s a twinkie, isn’t it? How do they get the cream in when they eschew machines then? This is one of those places where “It’s magic bitch” isn’t a good enough answer. They need to get the raw ingredients from somewhere. They need to process those ingredients, they need to combine them and put in a lot of extra ingredients in to make it last as long as it does. There is a lot that goes into that wafer of bread. There are a lot of steps to do anything truly from scratch.

This is a major problem I end up having with fantasy, over and over again. The writers stress that it’s a pre-mechanical medieval style society, forgetting that even medieval people have machines. Water wheels are parts of machines, they’re the power source, and they weren’t just used by millers to run grindstones for corn. They could be hooks to other machines to power blast furnaces, or sawmills, or even stamping machines. If you disallow all kinds of machines (as in Tolkien) there start to be things you can’t really have.

Brass buttons for one, you need a lot of technology to get brass buttons. Yes, they can be stamped by hand, but since Bilbo uses brass instead of gold, because wasn’t rich enough, there has to be some kind of middle class here. If there is a brass level, there has to be some kind of manufacturing system in place to make those people brass buttons. Even if we accept a simple hand powered stamp like a coin stamp, how do they get brass for the buttons? Okay, maybe there are miners because hobbits are hole dwellers and digging should get raw metals sometimes, but processing ore into brass requires smelting, and blast furnaces are “teh debil” in Tolkien’s world. He said several times that he mistrusted anything more complicated than a wheelbarrow, and a water wheel is more complicated. The point is, there is a lot of work that goes into a simple brass button. Anyone who has tried to make things for an authentic SCA costume can tell you the trouble that goes into making an outfit with no modern shortcuts. There is a large and complex society, once which Tolkien says doesn’t really exist, that is needed to produce brass buttons. Never mind the woven and brocaded waistcoats and the mechanical looms needed for those complicated designs for anyone but the royalty level rich.

This always becomes my problems, we’re told that these fantasy realms don’t have machines, but they’ll often have styles of armor that have leather bits connected to their metal bits with small screws. Metal screw are pretty much only machine made, you have to own a lathe to do them properly. Yes, you can make them by hand, but even then the expert making them is going to charge you up the ass. Lathes have been around for about three and a half thousand years, but they never seem to turn up in fantasy. Many a technological device is denied the fantasy world. In fact it’s often explicitly stated that they don’t have these things. It’s this blind spot that always annoys be, because they want to have the things that said technology will bring, but not the society or technology that demands it’s invention.

Clothes are much the same. I’m wearing a t-shirt that, as far as I know, can only exists form the 20th century on. It has no seams along it, except where the sleeves meet the body, because the main of the shirt was woven as a tube of fabric. Even if the sock with sleeves method has come before, there is also silk screening, the cut and the fact that it’s a t-shirt to peg me at the late 20th, early 21st century. There are social and environmental reasons that the clothes I’m wearing can only fit the time I’m in. Like wise, it’s just as bad when someone wears an Elizabethan style doublet during what is clearly supposed to be a society gripped in the tenth century. And no, I’m not talking about someone wearing a gambeson, or an armored jack, but what is clearly a warm weather doublet in what is clearly a cold weather climate and about 300 years too early when compared to other clothing in the story. Not tunics or jerkins either, but highly complex doublets with removable sleeves and short fringe like skirts. This, quite often, from a society that hasn’t yet moved past the “big lumps of fur” coat design for winter and summer wear. You basically end up with everything thrown together, from roman shirts to colonial era jackets, without any understanding of how each outfit had come about and what need it filled.

This extends to weapons, which are not interchangeable with each other and have their own niches and societal influences. You can’t just carry a 45 inch bladed sword on your hip with you wherever you go, that’s a war sword, not a local fracas sword. And if I may digress for a moment, a hollow pommel is just stupid. Even the Irish, who are dumb enough to make a hollow pommeled sword, still stuck the end of the tang through it to secure it, because they understood having your sword break because of a weakened tang was an embarrassment that could kill you. It’s just too darn big and unwieldy for a foot level entanglement. Even granting that someone might carry such a large blade, those are heavy things to always have on you, and they make moving awkward as hell. Swords have specific purposes in both fighting and in societies that make them important, and they need to fit in those societies. You should be able to simply look at a sword or knife and tell exactly who uses it and what purpose it serves, and in fact I can. Once in a while I get one wrong, but I’m not an expert, I just play one on the internet. Rapiers cannot exist with two-handed broadswords because one is a civilian weapon devised after the middle class started putting on airs and the other is a weapon for the battle field devised after noticing that things die when you hit them with five pounds of sharpened metal.

And guns, don’t get me started on guns. Cannons started turning up in the mid 1300s or so, hand guns soon followed, but never in a fantasy story, not even one that uses weapons, clothing and armor developed after the firearm and some that were developed as a reaction to firearms. Oh no, we don’t never have no guns, even if we are basically retelling the Wars of the Roses in all but name. We don’t need no stinking guns, we got dragons and shit. Besides, guns aren’t romantic and we’re being all romantic with our fantasy story and why do you have to be so damn pedantic all the time?

I just have problems with lazy writing, and I’ve learned enough about the history of technology to know that you can’t have this unless you have that. And if you have that, then there’s this other thing over here that you can also have.

So, yeah, where do the elves get the grain to make lembas?

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September 4, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

My thoughts on Game of Thrones

So, if you read here, but don’t read facebook or twitter, you might be wondering what I thought of the first three episodes of Game of Thrones.

Okay, here is a run down.

#1. The makers of this show really, REALLY hate women. They’re not to fond of men either, but they despise the female in all forms. Weak, stupid, vapid, shallow, whore… these are the words used to describe their female characters. The closest thing to a likable female is like 8, and as such is not a person. All the women are either trouble making whores, or holes for men to stick their dicks in. I found the treatment of women wholly distasteful and I’m going to have to watch Hell’s Bloody Devils to get the taste out of my mouth. You fucking think about that for a minute.

#2. It’s like a fantasy based Film Noir, only without likeable characters or an interesting hook. It’s like a Ren Fest, gone dark and gritty. The Bastard (the love child of Orlando Bloom and Keanu Reeves) is like Phil Marlowe. He doesn’t belong, he works along side legit people, but he himself can’t be legit, he’s got some sense of pride and honor… I can keep going. You got femme fatales all over the place, or in contrast to that, the stalwart and stupid girls. A corrupt system, a guy who’s outdated sense of honor doesn’t fit the new system, a smart guy who works around the edges, a spoiled rich kid who wants to cause trouble, a crime lord, the dwarf… everyone is there in one form or another. It’s just not interesting and I don’t care about any of the characters. They forgot that I need at least one person to compel me to keep watching.

#3. On that, I don’t know a single character’s name. They are “The Dwarf” and “Ace Rimmer” or “Eowyn Jr” and “Orlando Reeves” instead of whatever names they’re supposed to have. This is how little they’ve impacted me. The actors are between bad and teeth grittingly terrible. Princess Bad Wig is probably going to be an important part, with an interesting story arc, but I don’t care because instead of hiring an actress, they hired a stupid little girl, so desperate for fame she’d go full naked and get faux-raped on HBO for the first episode.

#4. HBO is so interested in making it shocking and gritty, they forgot to give us anyone to actually root for. HBO is trying to hard to be outrageous, they just come off like a fourteen year old shouting “FUCK” because no one is going to yell at them this one time. Everything they’re doing is for shock value, and that’s dull. They also forgot to tell a story, they’re just laying on more and more horribleness to show how horrible the middle ages where, despite the fact that they weren’t. Do some fucking research, don’t just tell me those were awful terrible times. Don’t present me this grubby Ren Fest view with no accuracy or intelligence. They just assume horribleness and go with it from there. A lot of thought hasn’t gone into this script, it’s just laying on awfulness from people I don’t care about and have refused to know them by name to hate them properly. I can’t tell you how many times I was yelling “That’s not how that works!” at the screen.

#5. On that point, no one has ever just walked around any castle just wearing both their swords. Even in feudal Japan, where that shit was taken as read, people didn’t just carry al their weapons, while wearing their armor, with them from room to room like that. Also, the swords shown seem to have been handed out with the idea that Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings was a good place to start on sword length. People are carrying two handed broadswords on their hips, and incongruously wearing fencing poniards on their other hip. The costumes are all over the place, some people wearing Elizabethan doublets while others are wearing what look like Roman tunics and still others are in actual medieval outfits and some seem to have taken their cues from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. It’s just all over the fucking place. Why they have Celtic knots on the shoulder pieces of their armor is anyone’s guess. It’s such a sloppy mish mash, I would have found it distracting if I wasn’t so distracted by how bad the whole thing was.

We won’t even go into how the wedding ceremony in EP 1 is right out of a racists handbook for how savages comport themselves written by some white (probably English) fucker circa 1845.

Sooo, yeah. I found the whole thing to be pretty hateful and shitty overall. I was simultaneously bored and angry. I doubt I’ll watch the rest from here. I gave it three episodes, and I didn’t like it much. I know, I know, I’m supposed to watch the whole thing and only then am I allowed to have an opinion and that opinion had better be that I love it. I know, I know. We’ve been through this with Dr. Who, which also sucks by the way. And yes, I am saying you’re stupid for liking it*. However, I’ve got lots of things I’d like to watch, lots of things vying for my attention, and continuing to watch something I don’t enjoy only makes me hate geeks more than I already do.

Anytime I’m actually shouting at the screen and stomping off isn’t a good sign.

*If you can’t tell this sentence for the satire it is, please smack yourself in the face as hard as you can with a garden weasel.

EDIT: I should point out that I do like Peter Dinklage’s Character and he’s a good actor.

September 4, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment