I'll come up with something in a minute.

My problem with Tarot readings

Every once in a while someone mentions tarot card readings, or palm readings, or astrology, or even diving the future through pizza crumbs. Invariably, I decline the offer, often swiping away any errant crumbs of whatever pizza I’m eating at the time.

Now, some people think this is because I’m a non-believer or an atheist, or because I enjoy scoffing at the occult. None of this is true, I am only atheist on Tuesdays, because that’s where it lands in my cycle, by Friday I’m as strong a believer as any hippy in a mud house reading the loose tea in their organic tea cup. By Tuesday, I’m back to calling bullshit on ball lightning and insisting that JFK was killed by a single Alien on loan from Area 51 and using the gun that shot Lincoln (a Loan Gunman if you will) because atheist seem to believe conspiracy theories a lot. At least the first few atheists I knew did. Angels and God were totally bullshit, but Aliens and Masonic Illuminati were proven facts.

No, the reason that I avoid all readings like the plague is that I can’t take the crying.

Backstory, there was a time when things were going wrong, shit went bad and even by the most generous standards, fucked up was only the tip of the ice berg. I knew some people who did every kind of reading at the time, and I went to see one or two of them and got quite a surprise. One friend actually burst into tears because the hanged man, the tower and the ten of swords right in a row. I don’t remember what came after that, because it was mostly blubbering and her begging me to let her stop. This happened three times in a row, not always with the crying, but with the bad cards and the people having strong reactions to them. One person was use rune stones and I never did learn what it was because she just swept the stones off the table and back into her bag and said it was very nice having known me and if I could send her a sign from the other side she would appreciate it. It’s hard to have a positive mental attitude after that sort of thing, but… no, I didn’t even try. I let it wash over me, but I persevered because… I’m sure there was a reason. It was probably important at the time that I keep going or something.

The point is, that year gave me the distinct impression that the best way to avoid making girls cry was to stop asking them to do card tricks that didn’t involve finding the red lady. Even then, I’m leery about Three-Card Monte because I’m worried The Lady in question will be the Queen of Cups instead of Hearts. Also because Three-Card Monte is a scam, but that’s less important. Really, I avoided them after that because causing women to cry has never been high on my list of things to do.

So, yeah, that’s the short story. The long story is long and describes horrible things that happened and people knowing horrible things were going to happen and me forbidding people to ever touch a fucking deck of cards of any kind ever again and frothing and blood and having to kill a wolf bare handed and no part of this story includes the phrase “and then I was able to bring her to orgasm using only the power of my mind”

Damn few stories include that phrase, sadly.

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September 23, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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