I'll come up with something in a minute.

For Burger Town

Modern Warfare 2’s story is really kind of stupid. Here is a run down as to why, but suffice to say, it’s dumb.

Russia Invades America! Yeah, right.

I can give you many, many reasons beyond the ones in that little write up for why that’s stupid, but I don’t want to go into that right now. Besides, I just did. What I want to talk about is Burger Town. There is a fast food joint called Burger Town in the game, it’s a stand in for all the burger joints you can think of and during the invasion of America, you’re forced to retreat to it. This means, there are voice actors saying the line “Get to Burger Town!” and “Defend Burger Town!” while you’re fighting off the improbable Russian Hoard. A hoard who don’t seem to have a cogent staging point, or an actual plan or a very good reason for invading… but never mind! What you have is Burger Town, and them Commie Former Commie Sons of Bitches want it!

While Syd sat next to me shaking her head saying “I mean, where are they launching from? That’s heavy artillery they’re driving around, you can’t just back that up on a bus. They’d have to have an airfield, and a supply line, and… did they just demand you defend Burger town?”

And I looked at her with all the love I could muster in my eyes and said “We draw the line at burgers baby. Those borsch sucking bastards might take Nate’s Restaurant, but they won’t take Burger Town!”

As a result, I was sitting in my living room, with a greater sense of sarcasm than any of the actors yelling “FOR BURGER TOWN!” while I shot at hapless Russian Soldiers who probably had only joined for the water skiing and had asked them to put ‘no killing’ on their forms.

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November 3, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

5 Reasons Why No One Will Ever Invade America (probably)

1. USA is too big
We’re a coast-to-coast nation, this makes it hard to establish any kind of beachhead. You’d have to try and take a costal city, like Miami, while the rest of the country is focusing on fucking your shit up good and proper. No matter what part of the country someone hit, the rest of the nation would be prepared to hit back. There’s no way to attack the whole country at once without the use of nuclear weapons, and if you’re going for nukes then invasion isn’t on your itinerary. Also, breathing isn’t on your itinerary if you nuke us. We’ve got more nukes than anyone and guess where they’ll all be aimed once Denver turns to dust and we’ve clocked that you’re not fucking around.

2. You can’t really control this place.
We’re too fragmented, too ready to follow local leaders against the invaders. Even if you knocked out our national network, and that’s a huge if, we’d just fall back on governors and the like. Again, the sheer size of the place makes invasion a difficult issue. No matter where you hit, you can’t possibly have enough people to control all the deliberately fragmented areas. Even China doesn’t have enough people to hold this place. No matter what happened, there would be so many pockets of resistance that the situation would quickly spiral out of any semblance of control.

3. Our neighbors suck at resources and would make terrible staging points.
You need to launch your invasion from somewhere. We’ve got a neighbor to the north, and one to the south, and if we heard of something happening there we would run to see what was up. Neither Canada nor Mexico produce anywhere near enough food to supply an invading force. Mexico has a lot of desert and Canada has a lot of undeveloped land that would take decades to make arable. Both nations have an army as well, and Canadians always seem a little twitchy to me to be honest. They’ve got that look in their eye. You know the look? That look that says while they were willing to be polite in almost any circumstances, now that you’ve invaded, shit is indeed on. Yeah, that look. Remember, they produced Wolverine. Never trusted Canada myself, I’ve always thought they would send back the heads of an invading army with an apologetic note pinned to each one saying they were sorry for the blood stains. As a result, neither nation presents itself as a natural platform. In order to use either you would have to rely on heavily stretched supply lines and headless soldiers in the case of Canada. All the while, you’d have to deal with the US sending troops, guns, tanks, planes, camels, steak knives, hookers with hearts of gold and a coked-up Toby Keith to our buddies in order to help them repel the invaders.

4. You’d have to take us all on.
Americans aren’t really known for their sanity. We’re more known for our blind patriotism, our love of fatty foods and our proclivity towards mindless violence. Even if 90% of the nation fell in with the invaders, and that’s a huge fucking if, that would still leave around 30 million freedom fighters who have decided that your shit needs ruining in the worst possible way. According to some quick and very shoddy research I just did, there are only about 2 million people in the US armed forces. That would mean that if a foreign power had roughly the same numbers, they would be outnumbered 15 to 1. The thing is, I’m sort of guessing that my 30 million fighters might be a conservative estimate. As batshit crazy as my fellow countrymen have proven to be when attacked, I’m thinking the number would likely be much higher than that. We do have a habit of putting our differences aside if it means we have to go cut a collective bitch. Even if it’s only 50 million though, that’s a million people in each state, all of whom have decided that they’d like to kill them one of those sons-of-bitches what invaded our land. Besides, once we get Toby Keith all coked up, he counts for three. And we wouldn’t be worried about armament because…

5. Well… we do ALL have guns.
I am actually serious about this. There are roughly enough weapons to give every man, woman and child a firearm. Invade and you are facing a nation of 300 million armed and dangerous nutters. And that’s not including the people who have decided to also go for knives, sword, bows, baseball bats, tire irons, clubs, sharp sticks, things that appear in Dead Rising as weapons, and a coked-up Toby Keith. As much as I deplore gun violence and I am concerned about the ease for people to just get a gun and shoot another person, I do love me that Second Amendment. I personally think all good liberals should buy a gun, maintain it and practice shooting. This is because A) It’s your right and you should exercise your rights and B) If the shit ever does hit the fan, you’ll want to be prepared.

So to recap, the size of the place works against you, you’d have no friendly port for resources, the fragmented and layered style of government makes it hard to crush organized resistance, there sure are a lot of us willing to fight, and we’re the most heavily armed populace in the history of history. This isn’t to say that no one ever will try to invade, or that no one will ever try to knock out a few cities, but the fact is that it’s a fool’s game and you could never hope to win. Hell, just the number of peacenik liberals I know with shotguns under their beds should give any invader pause. So relax, it’ll be okay. Besides, if anyone ever does come, we just introduce Toby Keith to cocaine and let him go at it. We just have to be careful, we have no idea the power we could be unleashing.

November 3, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 43 Comments