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A Sexy Accent

No one finds my accent sexy. I think I have the single most boring accent on the planet. I have what is often called “An American Accent” or possibly “Standard American English” even though those are misnomers. Those of you from outside the US might not be fully aware of this, but the accent you hear on TV shows tends to be what is called the Northern cities vowel shift although it used to just be The Mid-West Accent.

This is the accent chosen by broadcasters in the early 20th Century, because it is the most intelligible and easily understood pronunciation. As a result, it tends to be what people think of as an American Accent, and also… dull. While the British Received Pronunciation is often seen (at least by Americans) as the voice of cultured, intellectual authority, mine never seems to elicit and emotional reaction at all. It’s just “Oh yeah, American” and then people get on with their day. Sometimes, there is an aggressive edge to the accent, but then people tend to say it becomes “More New York, or Southern” and at that point is no longer the Mid-West.

The Welsh and Irish have sexy, musical accents. The French and German have very sexy accents, for very different reasons. And there is no way to talk about the Scandinavian accent because that’s one that goes right to the lower nerve endings and does something to me. So does the Russian accent, but that’s probably because all three of the women I’ve known who have Russian accents are very attractive and you wouldn’t mind Valley Girl talk coming from them*. The Canadian Accent is at least cute, with its “aboots” and “doolars” and the Scots are also so damn cute you want to put the whole nation in your pocket. Actually, you could do that with Susan Calman and just take her out when you have a bad day and listen to her talk. She’s also damn funny, which always helps.
*This is comic exaggeration. If Kitty starts talking like a valley girl to me, I’ll have to kill her with a fire axe. All the while crying and telling her “I love you so much that I can’t let you live like this.”

Even the Australian and American Southern accents have that sort of innocent, roll in the hay, aw shucks thing going on. I’ve got nothing to fall back on besides good diction, and an ability to say absolutely anything in a clam, restrained, dead pan. As a result, you get the sever impression that bombing public statues and selling priests into white slavery is the sort of thing I got bored with before my testicles dropped. On occasion, that’s nice, because I like having my depraved indifference to human suffering to be taken as sarcasm.

Actually, I have a mixture of my mother’s accent and father’s diction to fall back on. When I am very, very tired, people will occasionally ask if I’ve lived in Kentucky or have relatives there. My mother’s accent is a relatively pure Michigan Accent. She says “worsh” instead of “wash” and everything. She’s not dumb, or ignorant, or anything, but every once in a while she sounds like she is. My mother sounds like a literate hillbilly who spent a lot of time in Wisconsin. When mixed with the good diction I posses (even when outrageously tired) that accent creates some kind of Southern Gentleman from Kentucky, by way of Maine, and the Ozarks. If you find that sexy, let me know, there are probably doctors who can cure you.

I would like a sexy accent, or at least a cute one, or even one that makes someone sit up and take notice. I think I have the dullest accent on earth. Even if you hate the accent, that might be something. I could be wrong of course, and someone might mention that they think the Cultured Japanese accent is more boring than mine. I can think of some accents I don’t like. I’m not going to name them, because I don’t want those people who have them to feel bad, but those accents at least bring a response. So far though, I’ve not found one that’s as dull as this.

I’ve talked to many, many people, and not one has ever remarked on my accent being anything but background noise to what I’m saying. My accent is the clarinet of accents. It’s fine, but no one wants to play it unless they want to just slink to the back of the band and not get noticed.

February 26, 2012 - Posted by | Uncategorized |

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