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Book Review: Bone Idol

So, as you may know, I have some acquaintances in the publishing world. I’ve never pressed them to get my own work published, because I’m too shy to network properly, but that’s neither here nor there. That’s not what this story is about, this is a story about someone pressing against me into service.

I got an e-mail from a friend a little while ago. It goes as such.

Dear Weirdo: I do ever so love you and if only we could be together that would be wonderful, I ache for your kisses, even though I am inconveniently far away from you. While I’ve got you all nice and buttered up (would you make the appropriate joke about butter, you do it so much better than I) I need a favor. There is a young writer in our employ, by the name of Paige Turner, who needs a review. I’ve told my higher ups that you are a respected internet reviewer, mentioning the more than 100 reviews you’ve written for several blogs. Yes, darling, I know they’re for movies, but I didn’t tell them that. Here is the thing, young Paige is in need of a couple more reviews, so would you mind reading her book and letting the internet know what you think? I’d promise to fulfill some perverse sexual fantasy of yours the next time I see you, but I know you have none left, being the thoroughly debauched creature that you are. I will tell other people who’re wonderful though… please? The book is called Bone Idol and it can be found at Total-E-Bound.com. Included find the book, free of charge. Read it on your kindle, unless you’re one of those horrible people who own a Nook. I suppose you can read it on that, but know that you are a sinner and a blasphemer.

Yours ect.
Captain B.J. Smethwick (in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic) (Mrs.)

So what could I do? I took the file of Bone Idol, dropped it on my Nook, which is the better e-reader btw, and had a read.

Before that though, I went to the Total-E-Bound webside and had a look at what it said about Bone Idol
Book one in the Past Perfect Series
Love stripped down to the bare bones.
1875. The Bone Wars. Dinosaur hunters will go to any lengths to make bigger, better discoveries—and to see their rivals broken. Henry is a man of science—precise, proper and achingly correct. When Albert arrives in his life in a storm of boyish enthusiasm, he’s torn between his loyalty to science and a new and troubling desire. Albert wants to protect his father, and fears Henry means to ruin his reputation in the bone-hunter world. Will he be ruled by his fear, or by his feelings? As they hunt for dinosaurs and explore their desire together, Henry and Albert find themselves digging up some secrets that could threaten their love—and their lives.

Okay, a book about digging up dinosaur bones, not a bad idea. Maybe they can get DNA out of them and clone some dinosaurs. That would be pretty awesome, right?

Well my friends, for a book about dinosaurs… its awfully romancey. I mean, the fact that this appears to be two guys doesn’t bother me. I’m neither here nor there on homosexual love stories. Everyone deserves to have their tale told. However… Well, allow me to show you the messages I exchanged with the Lady Authorette, one Paige Turner.

Me: I’ve been reading Bone Idol, even though I’m not much into romances of any kind, and I have a few questions.

Turner: You can skip the sex scenes if you want!

Me: That’s not the problem, I rarely skip sex scenes. It’s not that, it’s that so far the whole things is very… Romancey.

Turner: Beh. Stupid man.

Me: Now see here my good woman! While you’ve been practicing riding the internet side-saddle, I’ve read 60 or 75 pages of this book, and you have yet to include a single gun fight or car chase. Just some young man mooning over his boyfriend’s arms and legs and lovely face. I thought there were to be dinosaurs in this book, when do the raptors start eating people?

Turner: Um. There will be no dinosaurs actually attacking. It’s because they’re so touched by the love story. The velociraptors were OVERCOME WITH EMOTION. Okay???

Me: WHAT?

…is this a kissing book?

Turner: WOT? Woz you expecting a dinosaur?

Me: Maybe. Look! Just because I thought this was a story where a man has sex with a triceratops, I don’t see why I should have to be teased by you. It’s a simple mistake anyone can make. The word dinosaur pops up, and the male brain stops working. We can only really think about dinosaurs and breasts on most days anyway.

At that point, the conversation broke down because she deliberately failed it understand any of the points I was trying to make. I must say, I was wildly disappointed to find this simply to be a book about love and feelings and stuff, but I stuck with it all the way through and it’s actually not a terrible book. There is just a marked lack in the things I normally look for. I like zombies, velociraptors, car chases and gun fights.

Optimally, if you combine them, if you could have Zombie-Raptors driving Aston Martins and shooting Glocks at each other, that would be aces. Sadly, this book doesn’t contain that, but let’s talk about what it does contain.

Well, for a love story that descends into smut on a regular basis, it’s pretty good. The sex scenes are well written, the characters are fairly strong. There is actually a story beyond just the romance and sex, so that’s something. The lady authorette*, Ms Paige is a commendable writeresse, and can clearly sit side-saddle on a typewriter stool with some ease and grace. If you are a fan of M/M erotica, you will probably like this book, which is the first in the Past Perfect Series, the next installment of which is being prepped for publication now as I understand it. Give the book a read, you can get it for a song at the Total-E-Bound website. It arrived to me as a PDF, which my Nook had no problem with.

The only issue at hand is that my friend sent me a gay erotic novel, when I am a reader and writer of Hard Boiled detective fiction and satirical Urban Fantasy. However, I did my best and I hope you’ll forgive my laxity.

*I went with authorette, because when I suggested Authoresse, I was told that was a real term. When I try to make up fake misogyny for a joke, I find the world has already made that term and I can’t even be sarcastic because the sarcastic term is real.

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