I'll come up with something in a minute.

And so the Death March to VEWPRF has begun…

Many will begin this journey, but not all of us will make it to the end. As they used to say “Many will enter, few will win.” I’ve taken this trip before, walked it many times, and it still hasn’t killed me yet. It’s come close, and each time I say “Never Again” and each time I come back. As old Uncle Duke used to say, buy the ticket and take the ride. Some of you have been down this road with me before, some of you have left the cause before Mercer like, we reach the peak. I never blamed you, how could I? Having once sat down on a door step and announced that I would sit there until tomorrow. However, what would the VEWPRF be without me commenting upon it? So, once more into the breach dear fiends, once more. We shall begin with the part of the program I decided upon all those years ago. We begin with a repetition of The Call To Action. This journey will be fraught with dangers, so take this… as is always the case with a Journey, don’t stop believing. Take my hand, I know the way, and always remember the watchword so you’ll know a fellow traveler when you see them.

It was always about blood and the sun.

And now, from… somewhere in the vaults, we present a

Call to Action
HEY! I got an Agony Aunt letter today! Many of you may not know this, but I’ve been a professional problem solver for years. I also answer people’s letters and give them advice as well. Let’s open it up and see what we’ve got.

Dear GreyWeirdo,
This year has sucked some major balls. Nothing has gone right, there are maybe six people left alive and five of them are so heavily in debt to the sixth they may never see solvency again. Half the people I know spent the entire summer sick, the other half are just getting sick now. I just feel like I can’t go on anymore. I don’t even think I can muster up the energy to care about the holidays. I just can’t feel good anymore. Is there anything I can do, or should I just pack the whole thing in? Should I even bother with my VEWPRF cards? Is it the end of VEWPRF? Is it time to give up?

Desperate in Detroit

Well crap, sounds like someone is trying to give up. Can we let that happen?

Dear Desperate,
No. No, this will not do. This is the shit, up with which, I will not put! This is not the end of VEWPRF! This is not even the beginning of the end, but it IS the end of the beginning. Only it isn’t, ‘cause I’m just getting started. Hang on, something wrong there. You just hold on Desperate, I’ll be back in a sec…

The ex-smokers and non-smokers among you will understand if I fake-light a candy cigarette before I begin. There are some things which are traditional at a moments like these.

Gather round my minions, it’s time we had a little chat about all the people who are feeling like poor old Desperate here. There are a lot of people who are worried, they’re scared, some of them are downright despondent. These are, quite frankly, the people who the holidays were designed for. Not for you, people who are well adjusted. It’s not a frame for your grandmother to hang her latest performance art piece about passive aggression on. It’s sure as fuck isn’t for those controlling assholes who think they should get to dictate what does and doesn’t make the holidays what they are. It’s for people like Desperate here.

Everyone depends on the VEWPRF season to pick them up after a really shitty year. It’s a release valve, a stress-relieving tool. There are people out there who really need a pick-me-up.

We! Can’t! Quit! Now!

There will now follow a series of adapted phrases I’ve found from those chaotic movie scenes, the sort often found in disaster of crisis movies.

In these dark times, when the cold is sweeping in and the barbarians are at the gate, we have to hold on and work together to pull ourselves out. The banks may have foreclosed the mortgage, the insurance company may have pulled the plug on grandma, the corporations may have slashed your salary to the bone and then beyond, BUT THEY WON’T TAKE THIS HOLIDAY! We’ve got to stand up and bring the true spirit of the season* back to the people! We will light those fucking strings of light. We will light them on the beaches, we shall light them on the trees, we shall light them in the fields and in the streets, we shall light them in the hills; we shall never surrender. We’ve never lost a holiday yet, and we’re not about to start now! The Line must be drawn here, this far, no further. I’ve got… 300 people on this… ship that I am… responsible for… and I… won’t let them down. The United Universe of Fancy has never lost a holiday in December and we’re sure as hell not going to lose one on my watch. I intend to stand up, I intend to look that dark and cold winter in the eye and I intend to ring these fucking bells until it runs scared and the sun returns! I have, if you will allow me to say, had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane! (Kindly imagine Brian Blessed speaking if you can at this moment) WE’RE GOING TO HAND THEM THE HAPPIEST VAGUE EARLY WINTER POSSIBLY RELIGIOUS FESTIVAL THEY’VE EVER SEEN! YEEEEEAAAAAARRHH!
*Mainly drinking and fucking, with some gifts, songs, lights and bells for good measure.

So let’s MOVE IT PEOPLE!

YOU! Get me a copy of every holiday story Amazon has, I want it cross referenced and collated by how damn twee it is. Throw out any Gift of the Magi stories though, I hate those.

YOU! Get me a big fat evergreen tree. I want this place reeking of pine.

YOU! Get me a thousand twinkling lights and glass baubles. I want this place dripping with decorations. Spare neither expense nor good taste.

YOU! Cook a turkey or something. It’s feast time, that’s where the word ‘festival’ comes from. (just go with it)

YOU! I want paper chains and construction paper snowmen. Get the kids to make some of those fold up snowflakes too while you’re at it.

YOU! Find Mannheim Steamroller and tell them that while we understand they’ve done other things, we need them to do the thing they do right.

YOU! Get me a copy of every special that plays on either broadcast or cable TV during December. I want movies, cartoons, and crappy specials you’d never watch under other conditions. I don’t care if it’s the Star Wars Holiday special, just run it.

YOU! Get some carolers! I want people with NO ability to sing whatsoever.

YOU! Bake some cookies! I like the frosted ones with the little silver balls.

YOU! Dress up in a red suit and tell gullible children you’re Santa. If they balk, tell them you’re one of his helpers.

YOU! Find out what cultures we’re ignoring so we can get their celebrations on board as well! This is not A holiday, this is ALL holidays!

YOU! Light a menorah, burn some incense on it, milk a goat, give the milk to a new born infant, kill the goat in the name of a few gods, then eat the goat! There will be other observances later, but just get started on those for now. I’ll get you a team to help out with the rest.

YOU! Put the kettle on. We need some hot drinks inside us!

And I’ll form the head!

Well?

Come on people, we’ve got a holiday to save. We’re not going to leave anyone out in the cold this time. Get the snowmen built, get the food going, get me Ted Striker Charles Dickens, get the songs started and GET THOSE LIGHTS BACK ON!

I hope this answers your questions Desperate. If not, just try to hold on, we’re working this bitch as hard as we can. To add extra help, I’ll be posting an SOMETHING from now until the end of this thing. You’ll have a new surprise everyday, something different under every door of this fucked up advent calendar. I’ll be doing this for you Desperate. Like Harry Tuttle said, “We’re all in this together.”

Looks like I picked the wrong month to stop snorting peppermint.

November 23, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment

And now… the inside of a barn.

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November 23, 2012 Posted by | Photo | , | Leave a comment

Window

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November 23, 2012 Posted by | Photo | , | Leave a comment