I'll come up with something in a minute.

“So what’s wrong with being a Nice Guy?” You mean besides everything?

So we need to discuss this… I guess.

The other day I posted this link on another social media that sounds like a horror movie* if you say it right. The person I snagged the link from had kind of a discussion on their board because someone wanted to know what was so bad about being nice. He hadn’t quite twigged to the idea of what Nice Guy actually means to the internet, and was soon set straight. Now, since most the Nice Guys I’ve met don’t have the self awareness of a Rotary Club Sign, it might be time that we lay this mutha out for everyone.
*Seriously The Book of Faces! Also, Twitter is a romantic comedy, Tumblr is an action movie and My Space is a wacky Sci-fi comedy probably starring The Weasel himself, Pauly Shore. Yeah, I have a mentally undemanding job and a lot of time without interaction.

So the basic facts first, I think… and there is no nice way to say what I’m going to say here.

If you describe yourself as a Nice Guy, you might want to stop doing that. See, everyone outside of Nice Guys (note the capital lettering) thinks anyone who self-identifies as one is an asshole. Seriously, it’s like a code that Nice Guys don’t actually know and it’s frankly kind of sad. Is that fair? Sorry, what the blazing blue fuck does fair have to do with this? Fair is for sports, and this ain’t no sport. There ain’t no points and you only loose by failing to play the game. Go read over that link I provided, that will give you a great deal of the problem. The sort of guys who call themselves Nice Guys are so often not, and in fact are just assholes in disguise that most everyone else sees the word Asshole when they read the words Nice Guy. So yeah, stop calling yourself that.

I’m not going to go into the whole Nice Guy thing, except to say that you need to either understand some women aren’t as attracted to you as you are to them and be a man about it instead of a bitter little baby. Here’s the thing, they might want you later if you keep being a good friend. I don’t say that it WILL happen, but it COULD happen. However, if you take the rebuffed advances with the attitude of “All bitches are bitches and they don’t know a good thing when it’s in front of them.” then it WON’T happen. Not only won’t it happen with her, but if she networks right, it won’t happen with any woman inside the tri-state area. They don’t always share talk about the good ones, but they will always warn someone off a bad one. You should be nice, but be nice for its own merit and as its own reward. It’s not a game, you don’t build up points, the friendzone is not a penalty box.

In fact, let us talk about The Friendzone for a moment. I have only once or twice heard the term used by women. It’s almost totally used in the context of “That bitch put me in the freindzone and *blah blah misogynistic whining and entitlement issues* what a bitch!” For starters, call her a bitch again, women love to be insulted by guys. If you can’t spot the sarcasm in that last sentence, please break off a chair leg and beat yourself in the face until you see spots, I honestly can’t be bothered to come over and do it for you. Most the people who use the phrase use it as a complaint, and I can’t understand why. I am firmly in the Friendzone of a woman I know. She’s married, and monogamous, and possibly not into me despite my long flowing hair and dark as midnight eyes. Thing is, I love her deeply and dearly. We’ve never been to bed together, we’ve never even kissed. I’ve kissed her on the cheek a couple of times, that’s the closest we ever got to that and as far as I know it’s the closest we will ever get. And I’m okay with that because I love her and to an extent I love her husband and I care deeply about them both. I can’t imagine that being a bad thing. She didn’t penalize me, she didn’t even consciously “Put” me there, that’s just where I ended up.

I did however once have a woman explain that she had to “Friendzone” a guy. This surprised me, as she and I always refer to each other as friends. Now… spoiler alert, she had slept with me before and did so again soon after this conversation and the whole time referred to me as Her Friend. so I was surprised to hear that “Friend Zone” didn’t come with a side of sex for the poor bastard. She explained that she had sort of intended to sleep with him, but he went on this hateful rant about what a bitch his ex was and it totally turned her off him forever and ever. And that’s the other part of that, I am friends with a great many women, and I’ve had sex with more than a few of them. Unless there was an ongoing, committed relationship, all those women called me their friend. So yeah, even in the friendzone, there is sex.

The problem is, if you approach with desperation, with bitterness, with the attitude on your face… they’ll know and they won’t want to be with you. Maybe they don’t want to be with you anyway, but you don’t want to poison the well as it were. Okay, this one woman doesn’t want to date you. Maybe that’s because she’s with someone right now, maybe it’s because she doesn’t have those feelings for you, maybe it’s just not the right time. If you react badly, if you throw a tantrum, they’ll talk to other people about it. Even if you throw a tantrum outside that one woman’s sight, other women will see it. The network is strong. The network includes all types and genders. There is no escape from The Network. Fear the network. The only thing worse that labeling yourself a Nice Guy is for The Network to label you.

AND THEN THERE’S THIS!

Even if “Nice Guy” wasn’t being used by everyone but Nice Guys to mean “dickhead”, is that all you have going for you? That you’re nice? Really? Because where I come from, that’s like saying “I have a pulse and metabolize sugars in my liver” or “I am a person” No matter what, you’ve got to have more game than that you are “nice” by whatever we mean by that. Nice is a baseline, nice is expected, nice don’t even get you through the door. You need some skills. Probably more than video games, although maybe not. If you can avoid calling a girl a Fake Geek because she’s better than you at Medal of Duty: Call of Honor, you might be in with a chance. Look at me. Yes, I’m pretty, but there is so much more. I write bad novels, I take amazing photographs, I sing, I dance, I know more about the history of film making than is good for me, and I write truly atrocious poetry. Result? I still strike out seven times out of ten. Some people just ain’t into me, but I have a fairly decent reputation and I know how to self-congratulate in a way that is sort of endearing and appropriately lamp shaded.

Point is, grow the fuck up, be an actual man, and quit pretending that Nice ever was enough for anybody.

Thank you and goodnight.

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