I'll come up with something in a minute.

On the subject of Polyamory and Fear

I’m not sure I’ve ever actually seen anyone talk about this in these terms, so I’m going to go ahead and say it. 97% or all people who are poly are completely bullshit scared at one point or another. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that the 97% is pants shittingly scared 82.7% of the time. Mind you, 93% of most normal people are paralyzing terrified 84.6% of the time as far as I can tell. Fear is just a big part of life.

We’re not talking about so-called normal people though, we’re talking Poly People. They enter the world of poly with hope, yes hope, but also with a whole lot of trepidation. Oh so much trepidation. I’ll be flat out honest, it’s a weird world filled with strange characters and bullshit terms that even people who live in the world don’t understand. It can look scary, and it often is.

There are only two kinds of people who enter the poly world without trepidation, people who were always basically poly and didn’t have a word for it, and people who have something deeply wrong with them. I have something deeply wrong with me. I leapt in fearlessly, with both eyes open, having viewed the terrain and calculating things in my head as I go. This has meant a lot of compensation, being cute, and fixing things later when mistakes are made. It also means listening to Prince. I’m not sure why that’s important, but it seem crucial to me.

The way everyone else does it, if they’re smart, is slowly and carefully looking at the area, being completely dogshit terrified. The fear is reasonable, it’s understandable, in some places it’s necessary. While people trying to pretend to be fearless say otherwise, those who actually live without the notion of fear realize that fear can keep you alive. Fear can keep you safe. Fear can keep you in out of the rain and maintain your position in society. This is where a manic pixie dream girl shows up and tells you that the only way to REALLY live is to abandon that fear, crank up some Prince and dance in the rain. Again, those notions are put together by someone who has the luxury of fear, pretending to understand the mind of someone who doesn’t have that luxury.

Lack of fear seems freeing, but Prince has released a lot of shitty albums as well as some of the best music ever recorded. There are reasons for fear, and quite often what looks like fear is actually good judgment.

Let us point out that Poly is nowhere near an acceptable norm. Yes, there are people working towards it, but it’ll be decades before the general public understands. Some of the people in the community aren’t helping either. Hell, I still have to deal with people saying, in their out loud voice no less, “Me, my primary, secondary and metamours practice ethical pansexual polyfidelity in order to form more serious relationships built on trust, complicated rules and Franklin day planners which is why ours is a much more realer relationship than say your mono-cis-hetro-normative lifestyle.” And that your honor is when the Red Mist descended and to be perfectly honest, I have no idea what actually happened after that. When I came to, I was covered in blood, leaning on a cliff at the top of the Rock of Gibraltar, explaining the cultural significance of the Batman TV show to one of the monkeys. I didn’t even know they had monkeys in Gibraltar, but there they were.

Yeah, that paragraph when in a weird direction really fast didn’t it? Strangely it turned into my testimony from that one time, when that one thing happened. You remember that one time? Yeah. Let’s move on. The point is, those Othering Terms exist to form a wall of protection. Sometimes, the only way to stop someone else from pigeon holing you, is to do it yourself before they get a chance. That too is the result of fear.

Fear can be a powerful motivator, or a powerful deterrent. Fear will keep you from moving to another location, but it will also keep you moving towards that location once you do start moving. That’s where the whole poly thing can come to a head. When fear and passion collide, you leap forward. Often you find yourself following a complete lunatic who knows no fear, but all the lyrics to Soul Sanctuary, and once you find a safe spot you stop again until the lunatic tears off again. The whole time, you are completely pants-shittingly terrified until you find a safe place. Every time there is movement, there is terror.

There are things to be afraid of, things can and do go wrong. Nervousness is just a sign of good, honest, horse sense. Of course, for those who decide to take the journey, there can be great rewards. And often the risk is far less of a risk than you think. Once you have distance between you and what you thought was danger, you find the tiger was just a kitten casting a big shadow. Granted, sometimes the danger is real and you should cower from it, but that’s true if you go for a normal, heterosexual, monogamous lifestyle as well. There is always danger on every journey, but with the right companions it can be greatly lessened. One way is to find someone who already knows the way through the dark part of the forest and has head butted a grue or two. Another way is to trust in each other, and face the terrors head on with pluck and courage.

Either way, I wish you luck. In my view, the dark isn’t really as dark as you think it is, and the bad will far outweigh the good. Educate yourself, learn all you can, be as honest as you can, and carry a lantern. It gets dark out there, and you’re likely to be eaten by a grue.

January 26, 2013 - Posted by | Uncategorized | ,


  1. I don’t know if I’m quite at the level of terrified you talk about, but I certainly operate with a constant hum of fear in the back recesses of my overactive mind. So many things to fear: being misunderstood, being exclusive, but mostly…being wrong.

    Comment by lovetimesinfinity | January 26, 2013 | Reply

    • I’m exaggerating slightly, it’s a sliding scale.

      Comment by greyweirdo | January 26, 2013 | Reply

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