I'll come up with something in a minute.


IMGP9949 by greyweirdo
IMGP9949, a photo by greyweirdo on Flickr.

February 12, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Rules? Where we’re going we don’t need rules.

I have clearly grown older.

Okay, so the other day I was looking around and came across a poly blog that just made me wince. A young woman who talked about her triad, which should be nothing to wince over. It was the presentation though, that got to me. I will paraphrase, but believe me when I say this was very much the tone. “I live with my boyfriend… and his other girlfriend. Yeah, we’re a poly-triad. That’s a thing! Can you handle that? Yeah, my boyfriend has another chick and I don’t even want to claw her eyes out. Did I just blow your mind?” And I sort of sat there, wishing I smoked.

See, if I smoked, I could pause, take a cigarette out of the pack and shake my head before lighting it. That is really the only acceptable response to that sort of thing. You can’t yell at them, because they’ve clearly not been doing this very long and it’s all new. They’re still in that defensive stage where the need to justify is a big deal. People are telling them all the time how wrong they are, how they’re breaking all the rules and need to grow up, and this is kind of the thing you come up with when you feel the need to defend your life from all sides. So I get it, so all I did was shake my head before lighting my non-existent cigarette. The only really cogent thought I had was “Oh Fancy, I hope I didn’t sound that douchey when I was at that stage.”And I was ready to step away and just smoke my imaginary cigarette, when I saw the link marked The Rules of Poly! and I hit the link.


Why did I do it? I knew there would be problems, I knew I would want to snark, and yet I did it anyway. What I stumbled upon was nearly a thing of beauty. Labyrinthine doesn’t even begin to describe these rules. Contradictory does though. I think they took every list of rules about polyamory and slapped them together into a super mega list without actually checking if things went together. And they were often worded in such a way that they were made out to be the immalleable and inarguable rules of poly and if you break one they will take you blazer bdage and not invite you to PolyFest 2013. No, I don’t have examples or links to show you. I don’t know exactly what happened. I hope I just closed the browser and watched some TV for a while. There’s been a monkey though, and it’s asking me about how Caesar Romero ultimately inspired both Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger. And of course he speaks with a sort of accent that makes it sound like he came from Gibraltar. Why do I keep ending up there?

Here is my point, and yes I do have one. Fuck rules.

Yes, that’s my point. The older I get, the more I can’t take rules, terms, props, symbols, or any of the other bullshit that gets connected to the poly community. I mean… rules?

Let me ask a question, just really quick.

If you have to write out a list of rules, are you trying to protect people from harm or control people? If you had to tell common sense things like “Wear a Condom” to your partner, why are you fucking them? No, really. Rules are for people who you can’t trust to do the right thing on their own. That’s why you’ve got rules at work, because your co-workers are idiots. Rules are a thing you put in place, with known consequences, for people who you think might break them. Rules are not for someone you trust with your heart. If you can’t trust someone to think about what they’re doing might affect you, maybe you shouldn’t be fucking them in the first place. If that sounds like I’m being harsh, well, I am!


Nothing I said there matter because of what I’m about to say next. Society says poly is wrong. Every romance book, every love song, every fucking movie (save five) says you cna’t love two people. In the end, you must choose, even if the choice hurts. If you really want to know how totally and completely geared towards monogamy the world is, ask yourself how any given movie, book, song, or instructions on the back of a box of toothpicks would be different if everyone was poly. Mono is The Big Rule here… and I’ve already said I don’t give a fuck.

If I have declared to 90% of the western world that I don’t care about their rule, why would anyone expect me to follow a “Be home by midnight” rule? You can’t have rules, there are no rules! You’re dealing with people who openly and callously break The Big Rule, why would a little one matter? And is the rule for me, or for you? We do get into the control issue here, and that becomes really dangerous.

How about this? How about we agree rules are silly? We’re adults, you don’t give an adult a set of rules, you make a series of agreements. I don’t go stick it in every girl that catches my fancy because some of them say no. Strange, but true. Also, I like Syd to at least meet people I might be intimate with. I don’t use condoms with people because Valen who was Minbari not born of Minbari brought down a platinum Franklin Day Planner with The Rules of Poly written on gold leaves. No, I do it because protection is a good thing and you should maybe use some. I think about my own needs, the needs of my partner or partners and I weigh how best to suit all involved. If someone wants me to have a STI test done because it gives them piece of mind, I’m okay with that. After 15 years of the same two partners, and no problems, I’ve got a pretty clear idea what we’re in for. If they say “I have a rule, everyone has to be tested.” my immediate thought is that it’s a shame and I was just starting to find them interesting.

Besides, Polyamory is the Calvinball of relationship styles anyway. The rules are always changing, and you really can’t use the same ones twice. Every situation is a little different, and when you bring more people in, they won’t always agree and the rules will become more and more troublesome. At that point, why have rules? To help the relationship, or to control people? If you need a written list of relationship by-laws, isn’t that one of the seven signs of a doomed relationship? Isn’t number four when the cat starts swearing at you?

SO! To recap…

1) You do things, or don’t do them, because you’re a decent human being. If you need rules, you’ll probably break them anyway.

2) If someone can’t respect your feelings, without a load of rules, maybe you shouldn’t be with them.

3) You should always question if the rules are for mutual benefit, or for one party to have control.

4) Valen was Minbari not born of Minbari.

And I will give a brass figlagee with bronze oak-leaf palm to the person that spots all the references in this post. Good night, and good luck.

February 12, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment



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IMGP6837 by greyweirdo
IMGP6837, a photo by greyweirdo on Flickr.

February 12, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment


IMGP5851 by greyweirdo
IMGP5851, a photo by greyweirdo on Flickr.

February 12, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment