I'll come up with something in a minute.

11 Things

The problem with writing a list like this, is that there are at least four of you here who have read everything interesting that I might put in this slot. beynd that, I could say that for the Mysterium Cosmographicum alone, Johannes Kepler will alays be a beautiful mad bastard in my book. So do I write about things that maybe some of you know, or do I endevore to come up with all new things that I’ve never told a one of you? Tricky.

I’ll try to balance.

1. I used to write a semi-regular set of lists called Five Things and it was alway the Something-Something Edition. As a result, many things about me are known. I try to adhere to the differnce between Personal and Private. You can ask me anything, and I’ll tell you about anything. Sex, drugs, rock n’ roll, research, books of the seventeenth century I’ve read. I will answer all those questions. HOWEVER! If you want dates, if you want places, if you want names, those are more or less off the table. Those are the limits. If I didn’t hold these rules, I probably couldn’t talk so frankly about Sex and Polyamory. The people who know I’m talking about them also know enough not to yell “HEY!” when their little so called secrets are semi-exposed.

So with all that being said, I’ve got ten more of these to fill out. (ou have no idea how tempting it was to make each point in that paragraph an item of it’s own)

2. I was born in the Second General US Army Hosptial in Landstuhl, which is located in the former West Germany. This has lead to a lifetime of me telling people behind counters that A) Army Bases are US soil and that B) Even if it weren’t, I’m born to two US citizens. When the questions have gotten too annoying I have had to lean on the idea. “Sorry, since we were stationed in West Germany while dad was a Captain in The US Army, single handedly defending everyone from the Commie Hoards on the other side of the wall(!) I’m not exactly aware what the adress they were claiming here in the US was at the time of my birth. Sorry aboput that, next time we’ll just let Ivan have Texas, shall we?” ProTip: If you can keep a straight face and say things like that in a flat, emotionless voice, people do not know what to do with you. As a result, 9 times out of 10, they’ll just stamp your card and let you go. On the tenth time, you have to get rough and then that judge starts going on about crimes against humanity again.

3. I once rolled a Suzuki Samurai in a soybean field. I was trying to avoid the dog. The Dog was fine. I also once grazed a deer, who hit her shoulder on my side mirror. She lived, and I got a facefull of glass. I also once yelled at a deer that he was blocking my way down the road and only noticed that there was a female near by after he fucked off. It was about that time that I did a quick calculation and realized that it was mating season. I don’t recomend my actions to everyone, only those who are totally unaffraid to the point of foolhardiness. I also once pet a wild skunk, but that was a fluke. I have, however, never petted a whale’s fluke.

4. I can cook most things, if asked. I’ve been cooking since I was about 4 or 5 and have honed my craft ever since. This isn’t going to be a long point.

5. I started learning Judo at about 9. I learned sword fighting about the same time. I can fight with knives, swords, staves, eskrima sticks, rapiers, katanas, bare hands, and on one memorable event, a resus monkey on a stick.

6. I have never actually slept wth a straight girl. Every woman I have ever had sex with was either identifying as bisexual, or at the very least bicurious at the time of our copulation. I have no explanation for this fact, it’s just an oddity of life. I personally have tried to trick every woman I’ve ever met to get into bed with me*, but so far only bisexuals have ever taken me up on the offer. (*This may not, in fact, be absolutely true) I like femme girls, I like androgonuys girls, and I like butch girls. Tall girls and short girls. I like kinky girls and vanilla girls. All girls have an equal chance of capturing my interest, but only girls who share a sexual proclivity return interest in me.

7. My first sexual experience was with two women, and has been documented in previous installments. I can’t find it right now, but the story is avaliable for those who are interested and have been properly vetted. This was the lead-in to early experiences with polyamory.

8. I was in a poly-relationship with two women for about 10 years. It ended about four years ago. It’s uncertian how I feel about entering into a new relationship, but as I often say “I’m interested in anyone who’s interesting”

9. I started the Jack Collier Stories as a Nanowrimo project. He’s now up to 7 stories and I have two more in mind. He’s meant to be a less epic, less competent spiritual brother to The Weirdo.

10. My tastes were formed in the 80s, and as a result I like girls in tight jeans and leather jackets. Also, they need to be capable. Simply put, Ace is the best companion. She’s everything I like in a woman.

11. On the other point, I cannot stand women who try the whole “Oh tee-hee, I don’t know how to do complicated stuff. If only a big, strong, sexy man could help me here.” thing. I can’t think of anything that will turn me off faster than pretending to be stupid (or actually being stupid) and trying to use that to entice me. That will never entice me.

November 14, 2013 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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