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The Making of a Gentleman Scoundrel – Part Two: On Objectification and Being Used

So here’s the thing. I’m a good looking guy who has something of a knack for being charming. I know a lot of stuff about a lot of things, and I can break down complex ideas into digestible chunks. I’m a good listener, and have so much empathy that I often have to shut myself away from people to avoid being overtaken by their emotions. I’m also a member of the polyamory community, and because of certain things, I feel (to a lot of women) like a safe person to be around. Protip: Avoid the sex jokes until she makes them, and then only make as many as she does, that’ll help you look less like a creeper. I’m actually kind of shy though, and I have social anxiety issues. So I don’t actually approach and talk to people very well. Once we talk for a couple of minutes, I’m fine, and I can be relatively charming and fun to be around. I have been labeled as “Best Guy” by the Guy Grading Board. This can cause some problems.

See, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but (some) women have a tendency to complain that the Best Guys are either gay or taken. And here is a best guy who is one of those, but… not really? That takes a lot of the pressure off, because while I’m taken, I’m also available and the women with me always seem to be pretty well adjusted which means one of the best ones. Flexible morals will get you around the corner, as we used to say in Shanghai. As a result, I get flirted with a bit more than the average bear. It’s my own fault, I am a terrible flirt and more than a little bit of a coquette. Coquetter? No, that’s a dress maker. Coquet? That sounds like some kind of little pastry. My French is really, REALLY bad. This is why, when I flirt with beautiful Belgian women, we do it in English. I will get flirted with by a great many women, that’s my point.

AND, there are problems…

Problem #1 – Are we Flirting?
I never know when someone is trying to flirt with me. I’m very oblivious to that, as some women (and a couple of men) have found to their consternation. I only learned about some of it years later. Seriously, I once had a conversation with someone about a friend of hers. This friend had just gotten married and was going to be “mono forever and ever” now because that was working for her. I was expressing what a shame that was because, I’d never gotten to make out with her. As a result this friend of mine actually dropped her fork and stared at me for a good nine hours or so. It was at this point that my friend mentioned, casual like, that this mutual acquaintance had all but stripped to her skivvies and given me a lap dance to show her interest. Apparently, if I’d wanted to make out with her, all I would have had to do was reach out and touch her. I would like to maintain that my friend was exaggerating, but this wasn’t the first time I’d had this conversation. I’ve had a good talking to by many a woman, who informed me that for all my Poirot like perceptiveness, I could miss some pretty obvious hints. You’ve really got to tell me, more or less flat out “I’ve kinda got a crush on you” for me to get it.

The closest I’ve ever gotten to explaining this is having to express to a friend “I’m sorry, I just treat that as a person enjoying being around another person. I don’t take every giggle, or blush as a signal that she’s ready to take me to funky town.” to which my friend said “No, you wouldn’t, you’re not a creeper.” and as I said last time, I’ve at least got that going for me.

Problem #2 – I’m Just Not That Into You. Put Down That Baseball Bat.
I’ve got wide and extensive tastes when it comes to women, that’s been well documented. What hasn’t been well documented is that I actually have very specific tastes in women. I really have a couple of massive deal-breakers, but most of them are in the mind. You’ve got to have a mind, to begin with, you’ve got to know how to use it, and you have to be able to keep up with me. I don’t mind if you’re ahead of me, I don’t mind if you’re trailing a little behind, but try to keep up. Everything else is negotiable to some degree, so long and you’ve got the brains. Don’t be crazy is the other one. Big fan of intelligence and emotional stability.

You would be amazed how those two small requirements manage to weed people out though. And you would be how badly some women have taken it in the past. I’ve had crying, screaming, emotional blackmail, and on one memorable occasion someone actually got down on her hands and knees telling me that having sex with me was the only thing that could redeem her. We did not have sex, I hope she found redemption elsewhere. I’ve seen all the reactions, and none of them were “Oh, okay, can we still be friends though?” I have a theory for this though! If you were a good enough person for that to have been your reaction, I probably would have gone ahead and made out with you. My theory for the reactions to rejection is that women don’t usually do the asking, as a result, they never learn how to take rejection. And as I said, if they were able to have a decent reaction to rejection, I probably wouldn’t reject them. Make sense?

I have been hit on, and practically mauled, by a lot of creepers in my time. The only real defense I’ve ever found is to find another girl, and have her pretend to be a jealous girlfriend. Yeah, even though we’re all supposed to be poly, the creeper girls will usually get scared off by a particularly nasty stare from one of my girlfriends. Do we even have to go into all that’s wrong with that, or are you keeping up pretty well?

Problem #3 – Wait, How Can You Still Have Power?
So we’ve gotten past rejection, what about acceptance? Even that can turn sour for me. Now, I’m making it sound like the woman in question is coming up to me and be all like “You wanna fuck or what?” and I’m all like “BONEZONE!” and the truth is that it’s a lot more complicated than that. Sometimes though, it’s not much more complicated, but most the time it is. Because of the whole brains thing, we often talk afterwards. This is where it gets complicated, this is where it gets mucky.

So the make-out has begun, and she’s feeling a little… unsure? Okay, so she pulls away and says she wants to slow down or something. Not being a total asshole, I lean back, relax and say okay. This has lead to shock, uncertainty and in one instance, actual terror. My relaxed view towards not “gettin’ right to the fuckin’ now” actually made a girl think she was about to get gang raped or something. Like I was trying to lull her into a false sense of security or something. That was a buzzkill, and it killed that buzz completely.

I’ve pretty much always had the attitude that it can wait, we can wait, it’s fine. That’s a problem because there are women who want to know they’re desirable and the only socially acceptable way for them to get validation is to yank men’s chains. I get it, but I don’t play along. When some young thing sits up for a moment and says “You know, I could walk out that door right now.” My only reply is to shrug and say “So could I. It’s not an exclusive porthole and other people want to see me.” and I know that is supposed to be the wrong answer, but I can’t help it. That was a stupid thing for her to suddenly say and the only thing it did was to annoy her, but she’d already annoyed me with the crack. What that did for her though, was totally flip the scales. I was supposed to be so blinded with lust that she’d have the upper hand, and I refused to give it to her. I’m practical, and annoying, but cute enough that most people are willing to forgive that in order to get me to kiss them on the mouth.

I’ve been in this situation a couple of times as well, and it’s a huge turn off for me. So much so that I basically decided not to pursue a relationship with someone who probably would have been a good match. Simply because she wanted to play power flipping with me and of all the games that bore the shit out me, that one just pisses me off. I’ll tell you why too, because I generally do like aggressive and assertive women. This however, is not aggression or assertion, it’s play acting, it’s trying to passively win power by threatening to withhold something. I use it as an indicator of future behavior. Also, the situation flips from a behavior in the bedroom and a behavior out of the bedroom. If you want to be assertive, fine. Be assertive everywhere. Don’t play the shrinking submissive out in the main area and then try to tell me that “the pussy has the power”* in the bed room. It won’t impress me, it feels dishonest. If you’re really a sort of quietly shy girl looking for something romantic, we can play that game and it can be gentle and beautiful. If you’re really a take charge hell cat, we can play that tune as well and it can be rough and powerful and maybe one of us will see the face of Qetesh before we’re done. *real quote btw

Problem #4 – I am the Object! Coo-Coo-Ca-Coo

So, we’ve done “It” now right? So now everything is fine, right? Nope. This is where the objectification starts.

“I’ve never done anything like you before.” Says a young woman while another says, “But when something like you comes along, you’ve gotta grab it, right?”

Some…. thing? Grab it? I’ve had this more than once, although not always quite so on the nose. I did have someone tell me that I was a great adventure, but again, that’s a thing. I’ve been told “I greatly enjoyed having you.” and that left me feeling like I’d been had. Mind you, I pretty much knew what I was signing up for in those situations. Those women were not looking for some sort of long standing relationship built on the fact that we dug each other at a sci-fi con. However, it feels like I’ve been used when statements like that come along. The frankness of them is a little off putting as well. As if I’m getting “Well, now we know each other this well, I can drop and pretense of being a person.” and I know that’s deeply unfair since we’re talking about a small percentage of the women I’ve been with… but still. It happens, and it happens more than you’d like to think.

Again, if we might use a term we’re all familiar with, I was kind of a slutty guy when I was still young and beautiful enough to get away with it. That allows a certain, relaxed feel to any conversation with me. I have been known to drop the word pigfuckers into conversation as if it’s a normal, everyday word that no one should take any notice of. It’s not, it’s a weird word even for people who swear. People who think they’ve got the mouth of a sailor often stop for a moment because of my modifiers and expansions. And the fact that I will express the notion of someone being a pigfucker with the same gentle tone of voice that I was using to express that the sun was shiny and that snow is cold. Having a deadpan delivery mixed with rapid fire commentary makes people want to keep up. Unfortunately, that makes people speak in an unguarded way, and that leads to me being a thing and not a person.

I have, sometimes, ended up feeling like I was merely the vehicle to an adventure. I wasn’t even the adventure, but a step towards the idea of one. You’ve got to have a good looking boy with midnight black eyes and raven like locks in order to have that mysterious adventure you’ve always wanted. On more than one occasion, as I stated before, people have looked on me as an “in” for the world of polyamory. It wasn’t me, or my partners, or even our situation the person wanted, they just wanted “in” on this whole thing. And I’ve lead a couple of people in the right direction and I’ve lead a couple of people toward the door. Being used sucks, being smart enough to know you’re being used but wanting the emotional attention and letting it happen anyway sucks even more.

The point is, I do actually know something of what it’s like to be a woman. All I have to do is extrapolate these behaviors to extend to everyone and you’ve got it. I know all about being a woman! I’ve birthed ten babies and buried two of them, nothing you can’t tell me! Okay, you’ve also got the constant threat of violence, which is something I don’t need to worry about. Even if I didn’t know how to fight (more on that later) me and honey badger got something in common besides not caring. Few people will fight someone who looks like they don’t much care if they win or lose so long as they can take out an eye on their way down.

Now remember please, 95% of the women I’ve run into have been perfectly delightful human beings. We’re talking no more than a 5% creeper quotient here, which is more than guys get. We’re about 35% as far as I can tell. The 5% that I’ve dealt with though, had left a pretty large mark on my psyche, so I can’t imagine how bad it is when you multiply that percentage by seven. Okay, I can sort of imagine, because I’ve been around guys… but you know what I mean.

Besides, in the end, this isn’t even about the women. It’s about me. This is about how I came to be a certain kind of person, and it’s a step by step process. I’ve dealt with the negatives, soon I’ll deal with the positives, but I wanted to get this out of the way first.


January 10, 2014 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

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