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Etiquette (pt 4)

When sacrificing a virgin to your dark gods in exchange for unholy powers, always remember the young lady in question may not be familiar with all aspects of the ritual. If you’ve had the girl retrieved from a nearby village the moment of blood shed may in fact be the first she’s hearing of the while thing. You need to always be patient and understand that any screams for help are only as a result of her lack of understanding for your mad need for power.

Never shout at the virgin or make her feel that her reluctance to give up her life is in anyway causing you the slightest bit of difficulty. Just because you’re going to rip out her heart and rape her corpse, that’s no reason to cease being anything but a gentleman.

January 23, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment

Etiquette (pt 3)

When the Atomic War strikes and Armageddon is upon us, rules of etiquette and decorum still apply.

While it is important not to allow your personal bomb shelter to become over-crowded by waves of your panicking neighbors who came less prepared, one should remember not to allow the situation to get away from oneself. Brandishing a weapon might become necessary at some point, but even the lethal force is rarely considered polite. Never start with the shotgun, simply explain that the shelter only holds so many and there simply is not longer any room.

Never resort of vulgarity. Screaming “Back off motherfucker, or I’ll spray you all over the landscape” rarely makes anything better and never earns us any friends. Instead a simple ”If required, I will shoot you… motherfucker” spoken in a calm and steady voice will be sufficient in most circumstances.

January 21, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment

Etiquette (pt 2)

When at a dinner party, it is considered highly gauche if one uses the fish fork to eviscerate the host’s brother. A good host should provide a Brother Killing Knife, which in a properly kept household should have a red handle and a narrow razor sharp blade. One should not make a scene, simply pick up the knife, walk behind the brother, grab his forehead, pressing the back of his head against either the chair or yourself, and cut his throat with a single swift stroke before stabbing him in the chest just to make sure. Press the head down after cutting the throat to avoid excess blood spray and make sure to leave the knife in the chest to avoid an even large mess.

After the dinner is over, it is generally considered a requirement to remove the body for your host and offering to pay for any cleaning which inevitably will have to be performed.

January 20, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment