Guys, you can go away for a moment or two, I need to talk to the ladies here. Yeah, we’re going to talk about feelings and braiding hair and shit.
Okay, no guy read past the word talk so we should be alone now. Ladies, I need something from you. I need to you ask men out. I read yet another thing today about a young woman being annoyed because men are afraid to ask her out because she’s smart or pretty or whatever and it pissed me off.
Listen, you know that cute guy in accounting? The quiet one who always seems to be reading and has nice clothes and you’re sure he’s not gay because you’ve heard him talk about girls and stuff? No, not the guy in the third cube, he is gay. No, I’m talking about the really cute guy in the fifth cube down. Yeah, that one. He’s cute, but has some self-esteem issues and when he sees someone like you, he thinks he’s not good enough. He gets all tongue tied and he doesn’t know how damn cute he is and he thinks you’re more interested in that total douche who works in IT.
Now, you might think there are a lot of solutions to this problem, but you’re wrong. Yes, you are. Sweetie… sweetie, you’re a woman and thus, you are totally on the wrong track. No, listen. I’m only telling you this because I love you and you know I’m looking out for you. No, instead of all the things you’re thinking of, just go ask him out. Yes, some guys get put off by a woman being forward, but the thing is, he’s not one of them. That douche in IT, he’d be put off by a girl being forward, but who cares? He’s a douche. The cute guy in accounting? He’d not only find it a relief, but he’s also likely to find it a turn on.
If you see something you want, go out there and get it. There are a lot of guys who don’t know when a girl likes them, and they’d be very glad to have the girl tell them. Seriously, I am a good-looking guy, and I could never tell if a chick liked me in high school. She’d have to send a note that said “Do you like me? Check yes or no. please pick yes, please, please, please, for the love of god!!!!” Even then, I’d be unsure if she had a thing for me or was just trying to poll the room for guys who thought she was pretty. I would have welcomed the girl who just up and asked me out. That would have taken so much stress out of my day.
So you see, I’m telling you from experience the cute guy in accounting would totally go for you asking him out. Quit waiting for him to see what a great catch is in front of him and go catch him before that bitch in marketing does. Don’t play dumb. You know which bitch in marketing I’m referring to, the one with the tight skirts and the low cut top. Yeah, that one. Stupid bitch, always strutting around telling everyone she’s a size five when you know damn well she’s a nine.
While I’m on the subject!
Go demand that stores stop putting things in sizes and tell them to start putting things in inches. Seriously! I could never imagine putting up with clothes shopping the way you girls do. My waist is thirty-eight inches and my inseam is twenty-nine inches. I don’t even have to go to the store! I can tell Syd two numbers and know for a fact when she comes home the pants will fit. We get our neck and shoulders measured in inches and BAM(!) a shirt that fits every single time. If I had to deal with this “I’m a size six at store A and a size eight at store B.” bullshit I would scream “FUCK IT!” and go around in a bed sheet and so would most the men I know. Men don’t like shopping and we will keep wearing a shirt that is really literally just a few bits of fabric that give the holes definition than go shopping for a new shirt. This is why stores don’t fuck around with men. We don’t write blog posts about how unfair the fashion industry is. We don’t complain about the way society treats us. Nope, we throw tantrums and threaten to go naked. No one wants to see an overweight 45-year-old accountant go naked, so they make men’s clothes as easy to buy as possible. They know we won’t put up with a lot of bullshit, they know we’ll either go somewhere else or skip the process all together, so they don’t fuck around with us.
If you would simply demand it, put your foot down and threaten to scream until their eardrums burst, they’d start giving you sizes in inches. Yes, it will be hard for the first few months to realize that you can’t bullshit your dress size, but think how much better you’ll feel knowing no one else can either. Not only that, think how much better you’ll feel knowing that the pants you buy will always fit. Think how nice it would be to know the legs won’t be too long or too short. Knowing that you don’t have to take three different pairs of the same pants into the dressing room to see which one fits. It would be so much easier for everyone.
If you would all just demand it, or even if just a large enough minority demanded it, then it would happen. If you don’t like those spandex jeans, don’t buy them. Demand someone make good, comfy mom-jeans. People want to make fun of your mom-jeans? Tell them to fuck off. You can’t quite threaten to go naked, too many people would try to take you up on that, but you can tell them to fuck off. You can scream and kick and make a fuss. You can be a pest and actively make their life hell until they give you what you want. Quit being so passive and do something about it.
Stop waiting for some man to dismantle the patriarchy for you, it’s not going to happen!
This applies to pretty much everything. I know women talk because they want an understanding, but men talk to resolve a problem. While women are explaining how something makes them feel and try to get the other person to empathize, some man is banging his shoe on the counter while threatening to burn down the entire store. How does that work out for us? I can walk into a store, throw two numbers at a clerk, get a pair of pants that fit and be out of the store within three minutes. How long does it take for you to buy a pair of pants?
Revolt sisters! Quit standing around. Make some noise, let the boys know you like them, let the stores know you’re sick of their shit.
And seriously… look, I’ll even give you some hints about the cute guy in accounting. He likes classic hard sci-fi (he really likes Philip K. Dick), fantasy (Mercedes Lackey), folk music (Christine Lavin), he thinks the best Dr. Who was Tom Baker and he’s allergic to eggs. If that’s not enough information for you to go ask the poor guy out, then I can’t help you girlfriend. I’ll just say that bitch from marketing just broke up with the douche from IT and is looking for a rebound. If you don’t get him, she will.