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Polyamory Q&A: Question 11 (hints)

Is there something you just wish you did better?

You know something sweetheart, I’m glad you asked that question. As it turns out, there is something I wish I was better at.

I wish I were better at getting and interpreting hints as they’re being dropped.

See, there have been times in my life, when I wasn’t just the handsome, charming and debonair fellow you see before me. There was a time, long ago, when I was down right pretty. I say this with no ego or self aggrandizement, because it never did me a bit of good seeing as no one ever mentioned it to me until it was far, far too late to do anything about it. By the time the phrase “Too pretty for words” came along, I wasn’t anymore. Weight and age had laid upon me and I was no longer the heart wrenching beauty I once was. Sadly, this really was something I didn’t know I had until it was gone.

It seems, as I have been told later, that about 98.7% of all females fell into a maddening, lustful, unrequited, crush that was akin to the gravitational force of a black hole. Only, unlike those massive dead stars, you could escape because I had no idea of the powerful draw I possessed in those days. Evidently, when there were mass faintings, I just assumed that there was some kind of gas, or I didn’t notice them fainting, or I was busy talking to someone, or… something. I have been told that it was happening though, just as I left the room all the girls would collapse and fan themselves and make sighing noises AND THAT’S NOT FAIR!

Why they couldn’t have done it while I was in the room… I don’t know. I was not consulted on this; no one asked my opinion at the time, and if they had I would have suggested changes. Most the females I knew in High School that were candid enough to discuss this were lesbians and didn’t see the attraction because they weren’t into men. When my opinion was asked for later, upon someone revealing that she had carried a massive crush torch for me all through high school, I said that she could have done things differently. Actually, I remember swearing and saying that I never even had an inkling of an insinuation that she wanted me. I remember a string of profanity and vocabulary words spewing forth, because that’s sort of what I do sometimes.

You remember me talking about red socks a while ago? This girl claimed that she had worn the local equivalent of red socks around me for four years just hoping and praying I would notice. Now, we were friendly, but I have to tell you that I NEVER saw the myriad of signals she claims she was throwing my way. By the time she was telling me this, she had hooked up with a nice guy and I was with Syd and the word “Poly” wasn’t even a thing yet and, and, and… nothing. Nothing ever came of that because it was too late to do anything about it. However, that would not be the first time I would be so frustrated.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten no better at seeing hints and signs. The only thing that has changed is that I am now aware that such sings and hints exist. To some extent, this has made things easier, and to some extent this has made me paranoid. It’s laughable to be paranoid about ancient aliens helping the Freemasons to come over here and steal our cheese, because that’s an absurd thing to be concerned about. It is not, however, absurd to be paranoid about missing signals that you know exist and that you know you have a history of missing. See, when you have later been told that a girl talking about how she loves brown eyes and guys with long hair, directly to you – a brown eyed long haired guy, is supposed to be a hint that she’d like you to take her roughly and ravish her under the bleachers, well it makes you feel silly for not having ravished her. It makes you feel particularly silly when you spent three years thinking said girl was the seventh loveliest thing you’d ever seen and had often wondered how she’d look while being ravished under the bleachers. Sadly, I was only informed of this after ravishing, bleachers and long hair had all gone out of style. Also, said girl has since dropped to the fifteenth loveliest thing I’ve ever seen, but that’s more because I have seen so much more and less that her beauty has decreased. Also, I later learned that she was kind of a self centered jack-ass and counted myself as lucky not to get wound around her little finger like many another I knew.

Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, hints!

Now, I’ve learned a few other things about girls since then, and a few things about grown women as well. One of the things I’ve learned is that sometimes, when a girl says she likes your hair, all she’s saying is that she likes your hair. That’s one of the really hard things to deal with, at least for me. Men are easy, men think you’re pretty and they say “You shure is perty! You got a perty mouth. I bet you could squeal like a piggy.” and then you start to run with knives drawn, ready to kill. Women are more subtle and say things that could mean they’re just making pleasant conversation, or that they’re trying to lure your dumb ass into bed if you weren’t so damn dumb and could be lured into the place you clearly really want to go. AND! Sometimes, they’re trying to sound you out, see if you’d find them slutty for wanting to bang you like a screen door in a windstorm. So, sometimes it’s a come on, sometimes it’s not a come on, and sometimes it could lead to a come on if you answer the unasked question correctly.

Now, you throw polyamory into the mix. You have friends who know where you stand, and where they stand, and yet there are times when you think they’re flirting. But then, you think that they can’t possibly be flirting beyond telling a joke, because as far as you know they aren’t poly. OR ARE THEY? Because while you’re talking to them, and they seem to be flirting, they mention that they’ve thought about living in a group situation and that the idea sort of appeals to them. Then she mentions being bi and thinking your GF is cute and letting the rest sort of hang there. I’m making it sound like those all came in one sentence, which doesn’t do her or me any favors. Of course, by the time I’d worked out what her signals meant, I’d also worked out that there was a stability problem with her.

The other reason I find this frustrating is that in other circumstances, where no sexuality is involved, I can read 99.6% of all people like a large print book. Partly it’s that I’m a good listener, partly it’s that I’ve got enough empathy to understand where a person is coming from, and partly I have a conman’s knack for observing those tiny clues about a person that even they don’t know they’re doing. Probably, a big part of my problem with hints is that I’ve probably got this whole shyness/self-esteem issues going on. Yeah, I have a natural ability to decide that those hints aren’t what I might think they possibly could be. No, it must just be pleasant conversation, she’s just answering my question in a frank and unambiguous way because she feels comfortable with me and I talk in a fairly frank and straight forward manner most the time. Yeah, that’s it, that’s why she told me what she told me in a way that could be considered provocative and alluring, not because she’s trying to tell me that her bedroom is just upstairs and gosh I’ve got nice legs.

So yeah, I wish I was better at hints and clues. While we’re at it, I would also like to no longer be dyslexic and I would enjoy a cure of ADD if you’ve got one handy. I know the question wasn’t asked in a poly poll, but I’ve decided to drop it in here anyway.

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September 11, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | Leave a comment

Polyamory Q&A: Question 9 (b)

When I answered this the first time, I didn’t quite get what they were asking, or whatever. So, let’s answer it again.

When you’re in a relationship with two or more other people, how do you ensure you make time for the people you’re not sleeping with?

There are two ways to answer this. One, I can tell you about how most the people I want to hang out with are either Not Local* and I know them through the internet or have moved away to Not Local Land and I keep up with them as best I can. However, that’s sort of a weak answer and leaves people wondering why I don’t just make friends in the local area which is like asking a depressive why they don’t just cheer the fuck up or asking a man on a desert island why he doesn’t just eat the sand.

Let’s suppose people live local again, I deal with those people like anyone else I suppose. Remember, one of my central tenets for success is treating every relationship like its special and only separating friend from lover by remembering who I’m supposed to kiss on the mouth. As a result, I try to touch base with everyone on a regular basis, listen when they have problems and so on. It might take a little more energy, but the last time I had enough people local that I talked to, I managed. Of course, I could call people on the phone now that cell plans have made long distance charges more or less a thing of the past, but I don’t really like talking on the phone that much. Also, I don’t like bothering people.

Besides, I’ll be honest, people also have my number. That ended up causing problems for a while there, when I was about the only person calling anyone, suggesting things to do, making sure people got out behind their computers and did anything. So, yeah, that caused some issues as well.

Simple answer, effort. Not simple answer, there’s way more to that than we can cover in a short post like this.

*Not local means more than 20 minutes away by car. Considering how fast I drive, that’s some distance.

September 10, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | 3 Comments

Polyamory Q&A: Question 10

10. How do I know if poly is for me?

You don’t.

Yup, gonna be plain and simple at ya there. To give you just one example, you could be in a poly relationship for (let’s say) ten years and then suddenly decide during, the eleventh year, that this isn’t working anymore and you have to go. That has been known to happen on at least one occasion.

Conversely, you could live in a quite, button down, boring old peanut butter and jelly monogamous relationship for most of your life and then, suddenly BOOM(!) Cornchips! you meet someone so amazing you have to be with them, but you realize that you can’t be parted with your current partner and decide that instead of sneaking around and having affairs, you move them into the spare room and all live together as a little commune for the rest of your lives. That has also happened on at least one occasion.

You remember back at Question 4 I started making comparisons with food? Wasn’t that fun? Let’s do that again. Do you remember being a kid and not liking asparagus? And then, do you remember having it one day during your adulthood and saying to yourself “This ain’t so bad. Actually, I kind of like this.” That’s because tastes change over time, unless you still hate asparagus, but if you’re going to be obstinate and refuse to work with me by eating your vegetables, then I’m afraid there will be no pudding for you. Well, all of life is kind of like that. One day you realize that Pepsi is just too damn sweet, that lemons are too damn sour, and that living with only one lover it too damn limiting. Like wise, you can realize that asparagus is tasty, that you prefer more peas to a slice of pie, and that sharing your loved one with another person is actually kind of refreshing. Or, you might decide after three years that it’s not so awesome as you’d previously thought. This is going to sound like something you’d get if a 13 year old wrote a fortune cookie, but I know of no other way to say this… “You just never know.”

You might think it might not work, you might think you could never handle it, but you won’t know until you’ve tried it. You might think you’ll be a wiz at it, but that’s always someone’s thoughts pre-smashing the car into a lamp post because they have no idea how to drive and just slammed their foot on the gas. Either way, you just don’t know until you’ve given a whirl and seen how you reacted. Each person is different, and each group is different, but until you’ve been there, you simply will not know.

Now, sure, you can look for some of the factors that are listed in other places around the internet, but you didn’t ask about factors, you asked how you know and I’ve gotta tell ya, you never know. Of course, you might be gay, or a secret kitten hater, or a Doors Fan and not know that either. I know, it sounds sort of mealy mouthed and wishy washy, but it’s all I’ve got for you.

September 3, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | Leave a comment

Polyamory Q&A: Questions 8 & 9

8. How long have you been living in a polyamorous relationship?

15 years? Maybe? I’ve been with Syd longer than that, but about 15 years for the poly part I think. See this post for more details.

Okay, that was a really, really short answer. Let’s just throw the answer to question #9 in this post as well.

9. When you’re in a relationship with two or more other people, how do you ensure you make time for the people you’re not sleeping with?

Careful planning and precision execution. I personally spent time with each of them doing different things. Syd likes outdoorsy stuff and the magic of nature, Holly didn’t. Hol liked Museums and Syd will tag along, but she can’t get enthusiastic about them. Holy and I did most the shopping together, Syd and I slept in the same bed when I was sleeping at the same time she was. I never really had a problem, I never had a complaint from either of them that I wasn’t spending enough time with either one. Of course we were three fairly introverted people, so spending time apart was as important as being together.

I don’t know, I never saw it as a chore, rather just something that happened. I suppose you could say it’s a bit like knowing how to steer a little boat down a river, after a while you know where the dead tree is and how to avoid it. You don’t even need to see it, you just know it’s there and to go around.

September 2, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Sometimes I am very not nice about polyamory.

I’ve decided I don’t like the term “metamour” which is your poly lover’s other lover.

It’s too cute, too hipster, too “this is totally a legit lifestyle and to prove it we’ll throw out terms to freak the squares” hypocrisy.

I’ve been Poly for well over a decade, and I’d never heard it before last week. I suspect that’s the point. You’ve got to find a way to show that not only are you in a weird, freaky relationship style, but you’re in so deep you’ve named every cog and spring individually.

“Oh, metamour? It’s a really obscure term, you’ve probably never heard of it.”

Well sweetie, I knew polyamory when it was still a shitty garage band with only three members and went under the names “Free Love” and “Open Relationship” before forming the party you just Johnny-Came-Lately to, so kindly stop making the rest of us look bad. I’m trying to show these people we’re not all freaks and assholes.

There is a time and place for all opinions, and mine is that this word needs to be drowned in the toilet after being told that it forgot to flush.

September 1, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Polyamory Q&A: Questions 6 and 7

6. What’s your ideal relationship plan?
Hard to say, I want more than I’ve got now, that’s for sure. I would like at least one more person, maybe two, who knows. My plan is one where everyone is happy. If everyone is in love with each other, that would be best. A semi-closed triangle or square? Yeah, that sounds okay. Now, don’t get on me about fairness, or about what other people in the relationship might want, that wasn’t the question. The question was about MY ideal and MY ideal has a small group of lovers, each of whom I can form connections with on different levels with semi-regular intervals of group sex.

I just want all the little empty cracks in my heart to be filled. I learned long ago that one person wasn’t going to excite all my interests, so I needed more than one. Also, group sex is a lot of fun, I’m not going to lie to you. Three ways rock and I’m assuming four ways rock even more.

7. Would you like two co-primaries, a staggered hierarchy (primary, secondary, tertiary), or a partner and a host of casual fuckmuppets?

I am made very uncomfortable by the idea of the hierarchical layout. I just can’t get into that vibe much. I don’t like putting one person above another. Some people, that’s totally for them, but not so much for me. Of course, as things currently stand, who knows what the situation will be the next time someone shows up at our door?

That being said, I could see the advantage to casual fuckmuppetry, but I could also see the downsides. I’m fairly fluid mentally, so I could have a friend, and be sort of a lover, but still technically be a friendship, I suppose. I’d already have deep feelings for them, if we were going that far, so it wouldn’t be that big a shift. Maybe? I’ve never had a fuckmuppet before, so I can’t say.

August 31, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

Polyamory Q&A: Question 5

5. Lately I’ve been wondering about poly relationships over the long term. Relationships I thought were going to last didn’t. How long can a poly relationship really last?

How long can any relationship last? Long term can be tough, you add extra people and the toughness of long term grows exponentially. Take a simple three way relationship. A has an individual relation ship with B. A also has an individual relationship with C. C and B have an individual relationship with each other. But wait, there’s more! Then there is the relationship between A, B and C as a unit. Then you have how A feels about B and C in their relationship, how B feels about A and C and how C feels about B and A. Even if B and C aren’t actually involved, by dint of them both seeing A, they are still in a relationship of some variety. Now if C has an outside relationship, then the math gets even harder and I’m no good at math. There are a lot of variables, a lot of relationships, and all of them have to work for a poly relationship to work. When things break down then things fall apart. All that being said, I know some poly people who were together longer than Syd, Holly and I and as far as I know they still are together. It can work, but things have to be properly functioning.

I’ll say it like this, and then say no more. It’ll last as long as it lasts, try to enjoy the ride. When it ends, you’ll have your memories. It will end, because everything ends. People die, things change, end comes. You will one day have to meet the Sky Bunny and talk to the Great Pixie and everything will end. What is certain, and how long have you really got? Only Fancy knows, and she ain’t telling.

August 31, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Polyamory Q&A: Question 4

4. Let’s go back to this Different People for Different Reasons thing…

That’s not a question, but okay. I like ice cream, you dig that? I also like Salt and Vinegar potato chips, you dig that? Okay, when I’m in the mood for ice cream, I go to the freezer and get some ice cream. When I want something salty and sour, I go to the pantry for the S&V chips, right? Okay! Now… Girlfriend #1 is a freezer and Girlfriend #2 is a pantry… and I just realized I am never getting laid every again… ever… too many fucking ellipses in this paragraph… I don’t care… I happen to like them and I think they give a nice Baroque feel to a… pation paragraph.

Sorry, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, right, food.

Sometimes the flavors mesh, ice cream and fresh berries go quite nicely together and make eating a delight. If you pour some hot caramel over them, and some whipped cream, and a couple of cute little cherries… then you’ll have to wash the bed sheets because that shit will get sticky. POINT IS! Flavors can mesh, and sometimes they can’t, but you can enjoy each as an individual thing and enjoying one does not detract from your enjoyment of the other. You can still love fresh strawberries, even if you also love ice cream. I don’t see the point in never eating a cherry again, just because I like strawberries a little more and I really don’t see the point of never having salt and vinegar chips again because I like strawberries as well.

Each person brings something new to the table, like a love of Shakespeare or in some cases, acid jazz. Syd likes outdoorsy stuff and the magic of nature, Holly didn’t. Hol liked Museums and Syd will tag along, but she can’t get enthusiastic about them. Syd likes video games and books with dragons on the cover, other girls like grunge music or cooking shows. I’m over simplifying, for the sake of making a model, but this could go on all night if I let it, but I won’t let it. The point is that I don’t need my one lover to be all things to me. I can have my other lover be the other things that the first lover is not. One can be gentle and understanding, the other can be frank and honest. It makes a good balance when it works, and you can build up a feedback loop of extra love that gets stored in little Coptic jars that have sexual positions on them instead of animal heads.

August 29, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | Leave a comment

Poly Questions: Behind the scenes

So, I wasn’t exactly asked, but an eyebrow was raised. Why am I writing essays on polyamory after not talking about it for such a long time? Did I meet someone? Am I gearing myself up to re-enter the market? Well, no, it’s not that. There’s another reason.

After the break-up, I kind of felt I had no right to talk about it. I’d been in successful, working relationship for a long time. Ours was the relationship that many people were pinning their dreams to. This was the one they knew about that was lasting and working, and I felt that people depended on me to tell them about how we were doing and what tips they might take away. Having things not work, and spin out and explode like that, the old ego took a hit.

Now, even though it’s just the two of us, we still define ourselves as a poly household. We’re just a poly house with only two members, because finding another person is hard when your shy and introverted and don’t have money to hit the clubs or fly to Wales and pick out a nice red haired girl right off the farm. Because I like the accent, that’s why Wales. Point is we’re still part of the community, as much as we ever were anyway. I’m not much of a group joiner and neither is Syd, so it becomes hard. Still though, poly people.

As a poly person, I still read some poly websites and look at some boards now and then. This is where these posts come in. Every time I see someone write some FAQ or answer questions from the audience, they always do it in a way that sounds… how do I put this? Very college liberal. They use technical terms, or they try to be very understanding about everyone’s feelings, or they talk like they’ve got degrees in behavioral psychology, or they talk in grand and lofty terms… none of them every actually talk like an honest to Fancy human. I almost never get these sense that these people have actually scrapped their knees or had anything ever happen to them. There is a calm, detached dishonesty to the whole thing. Like, they’re so interested in “can’t we all be rational” that they forget this is all about fucking.

What I found lacking was a distinct sense of honest to goodness “This is my story” sort of things. Now, it’s entirely possible I wasn’t looking in the right places. If I were more into being a community member, perhaps members of the online community could point me to the things I’ve been saying are missing, but that would require dealing with the sort of people who hang out in online communities, you know?

So I took some questions that I thought had unsuitable answers and then asked you, the audience, to suggest more questions to be answered. And I have diligently set about answering those questions as best and as honestly as I can. No extensive use of technical terms, no trying to reach a better field of understanding through pop-psych bullshit, just good old natural down home wisdom. Well, down home wisdom mixed with a startling intellect and an extensive understanding of history and how to use the word fuckmonkeys, but yeah. I wanted to see if I could cut through the bullshit and give you something honest.

I think I’ve managed pretty well. If I may toot my own horn a bit, I think The Tale of Kitty is one of the best explanations for how the basic mechanics of polyamory works that I’ve ever written. I’m really quite proud of that one. Either way, I’m enjoying the process and hey, writing again! That’s not a bad thing, right? Right? Hope so, I’ve got a few more questions to go. You can still ask your questions today! Either in this post, or in the comments section right here.

August 29, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Polyamory Q&A: Question 3 (The tale of Kitty)

3. You say you love your friends, but if you get physical, doesn’t that make them just a fuck buddy?

No, and that phrasing things like that is going to get you killed someday. Terms like “fuck buddy” or “friends with benefits” tend to be used by people who want sex, but don’t want to/aren’t able to commit to a relationship. The way I feel towards certain friends is the exact opposite of that. I have a strong, committed feeling towards them, but can’t interact on a physical level for one reason or another. If I graduate to physical connection with a friend, there has already been an emotional connection. Love (for a given value of love) already exists, feelings have already taken root.

Let me tell you the story of a friend of mine, one that exemplifies what I mean. I have a friend that we shall call Kitty. It’s not her name, but I don’t want to use her name and I won’t use her first initial because that has always annoyed me. Why just do an initial when you can assign a completely new name? So this is Kitty, but she’s not a world weary whore with a heart of gold & a nose for trouble, so you can kindly get THAT image out of your mind thank you very much. Kitty is very dear to me, and while I’m not entirely sure she’d like to be the subject of a post like this, the things I’m going to say in this post at least shouldn’t be a surprise to her, so that’s something. Most of you won’t get within a mile of guessing who she is anyway, so she shouldn’t flip out in the comments and demand to know why I wrote about her. She should just sit tight and remember that no one else knows who she is. Syd knows, she knows, I knows, that’s probably the extent of it. If one or two other people know… well, that’s life. None of this is actually news anyway. And if she gets annoyed at me, well, I’ve lived a long a fruitful life.

I first met Kitty online, through a mutual friend. She liked a turn of phrase I used so much that she decided to read more of my stuff and we commenced to talking. About two months after we met online, we met in person. I was already getting to know her, and like her quite a bit, before I met her. When I did meet her… words like “Wow!” and “My goodness” are hardly sufficient. She was smart, beautiful, vivacious, quick witted, opinionated on numerous subjects, boisterous, and her voice was just a bit like music. I was enchanted, practically to the point of intimidation. These are just first impressions you understand. First meetings at an evening get together. Still, I was smitten and quite hard. I quickly developed quite a little crush on her. I still have that crush actually, I keep it in a box and take it out on lonely afternoons to admire it.

Now, I didn’t reveal this crush right away (though I suspect it was obvious to some) for several reasons. One, I’m shy. Yes, actually, I am. When it comes to important things, I lock up and get cold feet. Those of you frustrated as to why I’m still unpublished, ungalleried and… unmagazined? What do you do with photos? Anyway, I lack confidence and it’s hard to borrow a cup sometimes. It’s sort of sad really, because Kitty was single and kind of frustrated about it when I met her. I could have made an approach I suppose, but shyness got in the way. So did Holly now I think of it. Hol was insanely jealous of Kitty, rarely admitted her humanity, said she wasn’t cute but rather “Loud and obnoxious” and thought she was going to steal me away from her and Syd at any moment. I always had to be very, VERY careful about how I associated with Kitty because Holly constantly thought I was going to run off with her, which is ironic when you think about how that relationship ended, but never mind that now.

The other reason I didn’t hit on Kitty was that… well… approaching people who aren’t poly is kinda hard when you are. How to you feel them out on the idea? How do you express that you’d like them to enter a field that for most traditional people, would already be considered quiet crowded? I never know where to start, and while people can be accepting, the only people who have been really enthusiastic about the idea were judged to be unacceptable for reason of being “fucking psycho” which is a technical term. By the time I got to a place where I thought I could approach her, and explain how I was feeling, someone else had moved in and she was so incredibly head over heels for that guy that I could only really feel glad that someone I was falling in love with would be happy in a relationship. Okay, yes, I did feel some disappointment, but mostly just glad she’d found someone.

Now here’s the thing, I was perfectly happy to take up my place in the friend’s zone, not as a “One day he’ll dump her and then I can swoop in” but in a “I am her friend, that will do nicely” way. If we were friends, I could still talk to her and we could still be together, just together in a different way. Doesn’t mean I didn’t still look at the line of her jaw with admiration and attraction, but I didn’t have to make a big deal out of it. I was still deeply crushin’ on her, but I was content with my status. Actually, since I’m pretty sure she was not crushin’ on me, it was probably for the best. I’m sure she has some affection for me, particularly at this late date, but I’m also fairly sure that my bones where never in contention for jumping as far as she was concerned. She liked me, but she wasn’t into me, you know?

Now there are other things that went on during that period, and when she was having a bad day I would always try offer up my shoulder to her, but that’s what I do. I’ll admit, I offered it to her with far less reservation than I did most the people who got to explain their problems to me. And it’s not like I was looking for some reward. Being around her, just knowing I helped, was reward enough, you know? I had little interest, but to expand her joy and decrease her sorrow, but that’s how it is when someone is my favorite. I mean, yes, I am talking about my favorite girl that I never dated here. Someone who was only second to Syd and Hol in my affections. Now, I suppose she’s second only to Syd, although it’s kind of a far second.

Years passed, and things changed and what had been a great big crush dwindled into a minor crush and is now small enough to fit in a small box and be taken out on rainy days. I still love her though, still feel great affection for her. It still kills me when she expresses that she’s worried about her future, because I can see the fear at the edges of her words, and I don’t want her to be afraid of anything. I care deeply about her, and I want her to be happy, unburdened and unafraid. That may never really come to pass, except in rare moments, but it’s what I want for her. I have reveled to her the extent of my attraction, and that I’m still not going to try and move in on her, she seems okay with it. I suspect I was telling her stuff she’s known for years. She’s a smart cookie after all, that was one of the things that attracted me to her.

Now, if you were viewing that from the outside, what would you call that? Is it okay with you if I call it love? Not romantic love perhaps, not hot and sweaty love, certainly not the love where we swap spit and other bodily fluids, but a variety in which I care very much about a person. Yeah, the situation between us never grew to physical intimacy, but we have an emotional connection never the less.

Now if that relationship were to suddenly progress to intimacy, I think I would have to grab the tire thumper and use it on the person who called Kitty my “fuck buddy” until they were nothing more than a twisted memory.

August 28, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | Leave a comment